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Toddlers: 24 Months+
Foo572
member
Seeing dying relative
Foo572
member
I don't post on here often at all, but I am looking for a few opinions...
DH's uncle is in his last few days, and FIL is going to be checking in today to see if we can go visit. But FIL said that we probably shouldn't bring DS (2.5) because he isn't looking well at all... you can tell he's in his last few days. He is worried it will traumatize DS (not his word, but basically the point he was trying to make).
DH and I aren't too worried- DS has not seen uncle since he was a baby, so he's not going to know he looks different. DS does not know how people look before they die, we are thinking he'll just see him as a person who looks like that.
We are not sure how aware uncle is, but if he is at all, he would love to see DS. That would be the main reason DH and I would want him to go. If he's not with it, then I guess it wouldn't really matter.
Just wondering what you would do in our shoes...
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Re: Seeing dying relative
So sorry for what you are going through, I will keep your family in my prayers.
I don't know how close your son is to his great uncle, but I personally wouldn't bring my DS. My reasons would be, my DS is a little wild and would probably be a little crazy in the hospital, he isn't going to sit still in a room for a long time and he probably would get upset seeing everyone else upset. That being said, if it was his great-grandparent I would put all those things aside.
What type of environment is the uncle in? If he's in a "scary" hospital setting (i.e. lots of tubes, machines, etc.), I'd lean towards no- and likely the hospital would have a policy against young visitors. If he's in a senior center or at home, I would lean towards yes.
As you said, if DS hasn't seen the uncle when he was in good shape, he won't know that he looks "bad" and it might mean a lot to the uncle to see him before he passes.
If it were an older child who had a good memory of vibrant uncle, I might not want to scare them or leave them with the memory of the uncle in poor condition.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts... He is in a hospice and I'm not sure yet on any policies regarding young visitors, so thank you for bringing that up. I think FIL was just assuming his visual condition; he hasn't seen him within the last couple weeks.
I think I am leaning more towards not... I would just hate to get there and have uncle ask where DS is and that he would have liked to see him... We should be getting more answers on his current condition this afternoon which will make the decision a lot easier.
I think what makes it hard about this age is that your son will certainly see/sense something is wrong, but probably isn't old enough to ask questions and may walk away really scared and be unable to understand/express it.
DD is a pretty sensitive kid and I know she would be troubled by something like this, but at this age, I think it would be hard to prepare her or explain what is going on.
Sorry for what you are going through.
If he is in a hospice facility then I would assume it is a relatively home like environment and I would probably take my LO, unless uncle is not lucid, then I would not. I take sort of a different attitude on it, your LO is going to learn about this type of thing at some point and you have the opportunity to prepare ahead for it with someone who is not super close to him, you can try to break it down to basics, let him know ahead of time that uncle is very sick and probably tired and you want to say hello and then maybe have a plan where one of you takes LO out elsewhere after just a few minutes & you guys switch off if needed- if it is a hospice house or facility, they typically have gardens, sitting areas, living rooms, etc for families & many of them even have some child friendly areas for this reason.
In my mind, this person's life is about to end and if you truly think that seeing your son would be important to him before he dies and that he might ask & be disappointed if he is not there, then that would be a priority for me, personally. If it is not a big deal then that is another story. I am not saying your priority shouldn't be your son, but I think that the risk of him being 'scared' or nervous about a sickly person is in my book a lower priority than someone's last days & making them valuable & meaningful. Any 'trauma' to your son is likely to be minimal in this situation/environment, in my opinion. I might have an unpopular opinion on this though, I"m not sure. I guess I'd put myself in their place, if I were dying and people I would have loved to see before my last breath didn't come b/c it was hard to see me that way, it would be hard. I would understand in the case of kids, obviously, but I view death & sickness as a part of life and something kids do need to learn about, ideally in a gentle way, which from your description, this would be.
GL deciding, it is very personal, obviously.
This is an extremely personal decision. My FIL passed away almost 3 weeks ago. He was here at our home so DD (who is 2) saw him on a regular basis as he was fading. She was a bit rambunctious and we only allowed her to be in his room when she was quiet and for short bursts of time. My nephew who is almost 3 also saw him a few times, and was here with us when he passed. In our situation we knew how FIL felt about the kids being in there. He told us (while he was still lucid) as long as we and the kids were comfortable, that he would want them to be around because they were happy all the time and it made him feel at ease. At the very end, his last two days specifically, we only allowed DD to go in because she asked to kiss her "PopPop" and we didn't want to deny her that opportunity, our nephew asked the same thing later that day and we did the same with him. We didn't allow them to stay that day because we could tell his hearing was sensitive and he would wince when they started to talk loud.
Okay all that being said, I agree with what PP said about maybe taking him in for a few minutes and then taking him out to do other things. He may be nervous and he may be scared, you need to be prepared that that is a possibility. Hospice offers a huge library of books and coloring books for children his age to help them cope and understand what is happening. We've used some of their resources to help our kids understand and they've been invaluable to us. I'm sure if you asked they would be able to offer your son some of those tools to use while he's there or to take home for later.
I truly feel that this is a decision you and your husband need to make together. We had lots of people encourage us for having the kids around FIL and we had people criticize us too. You have to make the choice you feel is best for your family. Feel free to PM me if I can answer any questions for you.
This is actually why I feel it is a positive thing for the OP to consider taking him, it is controlled, gentle, you can prepare for it, etc. Unfortunately death and dying is something everyone will have to deal with at some point, though hopefully not much and not much early in life but you never know...and in my opinion, shielding too much can result in poor coping down the road. Just my .02 in favor of considering it, not saying she still should not make that decision based on her own circumstances and situation.
This is what I was thinking.