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Desperate for some advice

littlebeansmamalittlebeansmama
in Dads & Dads-to-be

I need some advice from a man's point of view.

My DH and I have a 2 year old and I am 25 weeks pregnant with our second child.

Two weeks ago, we had a huge fight that almost ended in a separation/divorce.

We talked for several hours a day for a week straight and finally, he agreed to give our marriage some time so that we could try to work on our issues.

Fast forward to this past Saturday, he left for a conference in Vegas. Kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me when he left, texted me when he got there, all fine.

The rest of the trip has been NO phone calls whatsoever and just these sort of "polite" texts. No "I love you", no emotion whatsoever.

I've tried calling him twice and he hasn't answered. He texted me a few hours after I called him yesterday and basically said he was busy and what did I need.

I know he probably is busy but I can't help but think he MUST be cheating on me while he is out there. He's never given me any reason to think that he would do that but I can't help thinking that maybe he decided to do it this time and that's why he hasn't been contacting me except for these polite texts.

Any thoughts? I know there's nothing I can do about it if he is, I just don't know why he would when we just agreed to work on our issues and our marriage.

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Re: Desperate for some advice

  • ColtsdadColtsdad member

    Perhaps he is using the conference as a way to kind of separate himself from the situation, maybe clear his head?  It is Vegas, maybe he's just treating it as an escape.

    If he's never given you any indication that he would do that to you, I wouldn't necessarily assume that it is automatically what he's doing.  He could be very busy.  Conferences often have the guys/participants doing things together after the daily work stuff is done, so he may just be busy.

    If he was sincere in wanting to work on your marriage, I doubt he'd turn right around and blow everything up by cheating on you.  When he comes back, simply address how you feel about the lack of calls and the tone of the texts... without jumping straight to "did you cheat on me?", if the answers lead you there, or have a great deal of ambiguity perhaps then push the issue.

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  • beafatherbeafather
    Only he would know for sure, but I would give him the benefit of the doubt. There is a real good chance he is just enjoying the free time alone to process everything so when he returns, you all can keep working on things.
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  • RockyTopVolsRockyTopVols member

    Sounds like you have some trust issues. I would work on those.

    Work conference usually include a lot more than just the 8-5 conference. It is usually a time to go out for drinks and some R&R not only with coworkers but contacts in your industry. You make some good professional/business connections. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

    The worst thing you can do is keep reeling in the line. You have to let some slack out of it or it will break. It will end up pushing him away I promise you that.

    It sounds like this has been an ongoing issue that finally came to a head. Have you guys considered some sort of counseling to get to the root of the problem? He sounds unhappy and you sound like you don't trust him. Just from an outside looking in perspective. 

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  • littlebeansmamalittlebeansmama

    Thanks, guys, I appreciate your comments and insight. We definitely need some counseling, this trip was just kind of bad timing so soon after the blow up. I've been in counseling on my own for the past 3 months to work on some of my own issues that I believe have been affecting our marriage and relationship for a long time.

    This poor man has put up with a lot from me and I'm frankly surprised that he wants to continue to work on things with me. It would be easy and totally justifiable for him to walk away at this point.

    I do need to give him the benefit of the doubt that he meant what he said when he said he wanted to work on things and not push him too hard. He's never, ever given me a reason not to trust him, I think I'm just feeling insecure about the current state of our relationship since it's kind of shaky.

    Thanks again.

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  • beafatherbeafather
    Your middle paragraph on this response might be a GREAT thing to talk with him about, with the same tone that you wrote. It seems open and honest, and you are looking at what YOU need to do to fix things.
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  • WulfgarWulfgar member

    When I went to a conference a few years ago they had me so busy that I didn't even have time to communicate much with my now wife.  It helps that my conference was a bunch of mechanical engineers with few women and it was at the Dallas airport hotel.

     

    Also, when my co-workers have gone to trade shows they would entertain potential clients until late in the evening and not have much time for anything else but sleep since they had to get up early to be at the show to work the booth and meet with other clients.

     

    I would wait until he gets home and continue to keep the dialogue open and civil.

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  • ladyjenna13ladyjenna13 member

    Men who cheat are not very smart about it as they are cheating.  Also, men who cheat have always been cheaters, so I doubt he is cheating on you in Vegas if he has never provided you with cause to believe that he is cheating in the first place.  There are two kinds of men, loyal men and cheaters. Loyal men do not all of a sudden engage in the act of cheating.

    I have been to conferences where I was busy from 8 in the morning until midnight.  Depending on what was going on with the home life, it was very possible that I would not talk to my wife for a day or two.  Texts are only as good as your current perceptions of your relationship are. It only makes sense to be paranoid when you guys are going through a rough patch, and a text comes through that does not read how we might want it to read.

    Now, I do know this.  If he is not cheating, and you keep pulling that card out on him, it will not come to a good conclusion for you.

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  • DavidStampsDavidStamps member
    imageColtsdad:

    Perhaps he is using the conference as a way to kind of separate himself from the situation, maybe clear his head?  It is Vegas, maybe he's just treating it as an escape.

    If he's never given you any indication that he would do that to you, I wouldn't necessarily assume that it is automatically what he's doing.  He could be very busy.  Conferences often have the guys/participants doing things together after the daily work stuff is done, so he may just be busy.

    If he was sincere in wanting to work on your marriage, I doubt he'd turn right around and blow everything up by cheating on you.  When he comes back, simply address how you feel about the lack of calls and the tone of the texts... without jumping straight to "did you cheat on me?", if the answers lead you there, or have a great deal of ambiguity perhaps then push the issue.

    All of this...

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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