It's a doosy

luvboston · November 2012

So my mother is very supportive and with this last loss I think it put her a little over the edge but one thing that is bugging me is that when she says how many losses I have had she says 7 instead of 6 because she takes the failed IVF with DS as a loss. And it does not make sense to me since they never implanted. It has become a thing with us and we actually had a little spat about it when I was in the emergency room the other day in front of the doctor. I don't really want to say anything to her because she is so supportive but it puts me ill at ease. Would you just let it be?

NMscubagirl · November 2012

Hey dear. So I have never actually been pregnant or had a true loss so take this with a grain of salt. I know that a failed IVF is not a "loss" in the traditional sense, but there certainly is a loss involved. For me, there were live little embryos transferred into my uterus and they failed to thrive there. They were growing when placed into my body, so even though they didn't implant, I feel a sense of a loss. Again, I have never had a m/c and don't want to offend anyone who has. I think it is nice of her to acknowledge the IVF failure, but if you are uncomfortable with her calling it a loss, then I think you have the right to talk to her about it. Just keep in mind that she is coming from a place of compassion, not an attempt to belittle your true losses, or to increase that number painfully. Good luck.

Roxie5739 · November 2012

Sorry you are dealing with this, I have no advice, I think Scoobs says it best

katt3233 · November 2012

NMscubagirl:
Hey dear. So I have never actually been pregnant or had a true loss so take this with a grain of salt. I know that a failed IVF is not a "loss" in the traditional sense, but there certainly is a loss involved. For me, there were live little embryos transferred into my uterus and they failed to thrive there. They were growing when placed into my body, so even though they didn't implant, I feel a sense of a loss. Again, I have never had a m/c and don't want to offend anyone who has. I think it is nice of her to acknowledge the IVF failure, but if you are uncomfortable with her calling it a loss, then I think you have the right to talk to her about it. Just keep in mind that she is coming from a place of compassion, not an attempt to belittle your true losses, or to increase that number painfully. Good luck.nbsp;

I think this pretty much sums up my feelings. I don't count my IVF failure as a loss, however it does add in to the heartache of the journey and getting that BFN hurt just about as much as the other losses did. I agree with NM, I think your mom is trying to be sympathetic and the good intention is there. It's definitely worth a heart to heart conversation, at least to clear the air. Hugs!!!

Mrs.McIrish · November 2012

People outside of this situation mis-use IF terminology all the time. You can either explain the difference or just ignore it since she is coming froma place off"good". Like Mitzi, I have never been pregnant. An embryo has never implanted in my ute but I have a stack of photos showing they existed. Each one was a loss to me. It's all how you want to characterize it (that being said I answer the question for a doctor have you ever been pg as no)

BeeBee08 · November 2012

I agree with the prior posts, but if it bothers you, then you should tell her. At this point in our journeys, preserving our own feelings and sanity is the number one priority. We don't need anything else adding to our grief. Just let her know how you feel...it doesn't mean you don't appreciate her support.

Aegis2005 · November 2012

YGPM

luvboston · November 2012

NMscubagirl:
Hey dear. So I have never actually been pregnant or had a true loss so take this with a grain of salt. I know that a failed IVF is not a "loss" in the traditional sense, but there certainly is a loss involved. For me, there were live little embryos transferred into my uterus and they failed to thrive there. They were growing when placed into my body, so even though they didn't implant, I feel a sense of a loss. Again, I have never had a m/c and don't want to offend anyone who has. I think it is nice of her to acknowledge the IVF failure, but if you are uncomfortable with her calling it a loss, then I think you have the right to talk to her about it. Just keep in mind that she is coming from a place of compassion, not an attempt to belittle your true losses, or to increase that number painfully. Good luck.

Thanks for your thoughts, I too felt the IVF failure was a loss but a different kind.

ThereBeDragons · November 2012

In the specific case of discussing with your doctor how many prior losses you have had, failed transfers do not count. Only pregnancies which resulted in a positive pregnancy test or beta are losses in the medical sense. And it is important to specify as these losses can be medically relevant.

Ive transferred 9 embryos. I've had two confirmed pregnancy losses. I count the c/p from my first IVF in my head- but as it wasn't confirmed with a positive test (beta of 3.6 at 2 weeks post transfer) it's not medically relevant. I count my lost embryos in their own way but they are only medically relevant when the doc asks how many embryos we've transferred.

Its fine for your mom to count the failed cycle, but its not medically relevant when asked how many losses you've had. You can explain it that way to her. It's not that they don't count- it's that the doctor is asking for details of confirmed pregnancies only.

AmCheri · November 2012

Sorry you're having to deal with this. It's clearly upsetting to you and so I think it's important to have another talk with your Mom. There doesn't need to be a reason that you ask her to stop counting the BFN as a loss other than that it upsets you. I personally don't think that getting into a discussion about medical terminology or relevance would be helpful. She's your Mom and she only needs to understand how this makes you feel. I suspect that she's trying in perhaps a misguided way to recognize the significance of a BFN and the fact that it was difficult for you. You might want to approach it that way -- Mom, I know you care and you're only trying to be supportive, but it's really hard for me when you refer to our BFN as a loss. -- That sort of thing. Whatever you do, do talk to her again and don't let it linger. Hugs.

glueck · November 2012

Gosh- thats a tough one. Like many others on the board, I've never actually been pregnant, so I cannot even begin to fathom the enormity of the loss of a pregnancy. I have only ever had once decent embryo from IVF and I mourned that loss heavily. Its not really the same though- definitely a different kind of loss. Your mom is trying so hard, and she will likely never understand the details of your journey the way you do. If you think she has the capacity to understand, then a gentle conversation would definitely be in order. If there is no chance that she can wrap her head around it, give her a hug and thank he for being such a loving mom.

Sending you lots of support

joules12 · November 2012

Hey luvboston --

Trying to catch up on the board since I haven't been around much lately and things are picking up around here. Just wanted to say that I'm so sorry that you're dealing with another loss -- terribly unfair! Big (((hugs))) headed your way!

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