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twinkl5379
member
Advice for helping my brother
twinkl5379
member
I posted a while back about my crazy sister-n-law and brother going through a divorce.
He left the house for a while, and she went nuts. Well, he's back home temporarily but knows he will leave again (he was staying with my parents but kept fighting w/my dad so went back home feeling like he had no choice).
They've just started going to a counselor, together & seperate, but it's helped ZERO.
The counselor told my brother that he needs to leave b/c he is a battered husband and that it's rare but does happen. She told him to hide money so he can plan to get out of there. She said that people like her don't change, and even if they did, it would take years and that the 2 of them living together is toxic. There are 4 kids involved.
He gets so depressed he can't even leave the house and ends up missing work. I suggested that he see a psychiatrist for medication.
I don't know what else to do, but I feel so bad for him and the kids.
He had filed for divorce (my dad gave him the money), and they had a court hearing. He had a witness for her dropping the kids off at my mom's house and driving away (the neighbor saw it all). But she ended up faxing my brother's attorney a letter saying he didn't need her services anymore in my brother's name. and told her attorney not to show, so the court date never happened.
The attorney is too busy now to take my bro's case, and she's pissed over the whole situation. My bro keeps asking for the money back (you pay up front and they work from that), but they haven't given it back to him yet so he can't get a new attorney. It's been months.
I'm just venting I guess. Any advice?
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Re: Advice for helping my brother
So between the faxing of the lawyer and the court date, your Brother never once contacted said lawyer to check in? Ever?
She faxed it on a Friday and the court date was on Monday morning. The witness showed up for court, sat there for hours. I'm not sure about all of the details, or when the attorney got the notice, how it all went down etc, but the attorney was not happy.
PS Illume - My brother and mom met with said attorney for hours before this court date. They were well-prepared.
Is it possible that your brother is lying to you about the attorney thing? Maybe he's embarrassed that he wanted to cancel?
Because what you've described sounds suuuuper shady.
I don't have any personal experience with this, but I think that you cannot save someone who doesn't want saving.
If he's willing to be helped, I would go there. I would get an attorney for him and pay the retainer. I would let the attorney get started filing whatever motions necessary for me to get my sibling and the kids the hell out of there. I'd take a couple weeks off work and be there for him, make sure he's going to a counselor, make sure the kids are all right, etc.
In short, I would do whatever I could.
My aunt's second husband beat her. I was a baby back then, so I don't remember it at all. But apparently she called in the middle of the night one night. My dad and my grandfather left right away and got her out. They had to hide her for a couple months. She never married or even dated again (she died in 2010).
Yes, it is shady, she is very shady. The last thing she did a couple of weeks ago is this:
My bro gets off work around 10 pm. He went out after work one night rather than going straight home (kids are asleep at that time and his wife is there with them). He agrees that he shoulldn't have done this b/c he knew she'd be mad. But at the same time he said he didn't care b/c he doesn't want to be with her.
Well, she was mad and took his keys, phone and wallet away that Friday morning. So he missed work that day and couldn't even call in. He had the kids the entire wknd without his phone (he used the 10 year old's), keys or wallet. She finally gave keys and wallet back on Monday so he could go to work. Phone is gone; she threw it into a field behind the house.
He chose not to fight her over it b/c he knew she gets crazy, and he said he's tired of having the police show up at their house, hates putting the kids through that. So he just lived with it. His plan was to get it back while she was sleeping even though she was in one of the kid's rooms w/a locked door. But the plan didn't work that wknd., and she finally gave them back.
I told him he shouldn't have gone out, but there's no excuse for her controlling him that way.
Thanks, Felles. No, he definetly wants out, but I think he feels trapped. He left and went to my parents' house. My dad at first thought he should leave, gave him the money for an attorney. Like your story, the last night he stayed at the house before leaving the first time - he called my parents saying that she was stabbing him in the head with a pen and had thrown a bottle of lotion across the room and hit him in the face. My parents went over there and got him.
But then she started sucking up to my dad, calling him all the time, saying she'd changed, etc. My dad kept hounding my bro. to go back. They got into a bad fight, and my bro left - going back home to live, not to be with her. (My dad is a little crazy for this, and he grew up in a violent household so I think he doesn't get it. He just wants him to be there for the kids - but my mom totally disagrees and won't even talk to this woman even though she randomly sends my mom ugly texts).
I'm hesitant to give him the money b/c he already owes me thousands of dollars, and I'm afraid it will just be wasted like this has been.
There are more details behind her sending the letter to his attorney, but essentially that's how coniving she is. And how she even got her attorney is really shady and still unclear, but just another example of how she is.
I dont think you understand whom we are calling Shady.
No Lawyer would accept a fax (in this day and age) without more communication/assurances.
And no lawyer is going to push off the client if HE/SHE (ie the lawyer) was played like that, without getting vocal confirmation. He/She just opened him/herself up to their OWN lawsuit and at least censure from the local Bar Association.
But let's say your brother got himself a crappy lawyer, then the next step for him to do IS call the State Bar Association and see what his options are for getting the money back from the lawyer's "mistake".
I have no advice for your brother other than to call the police and file domestic battery charges against this woman every time she throws something at him, stabs him, or hits him.
He should call the State Bar Association on his so-called lawyer. No decent attorney would accept a fax as a termination of contract.
My most important advice is for you. Distance yourself from this situation as much as you can. It doesn't sound like you are getting the whole truth from your brother AT ALL. Don't give him any more money. Don't listen to him tell you how he can't do anything about all of this. Because he can. He just needs to decide he's going to.
The lawyer didn't "accept" the letter. She showed up for court, but the other attorney and my sister-n-law didn't b/c she called it off somehow. I'm not sure of all the details, but that's why she was so pissed b/c her time was wasted.
The lawyer my bro got has a very good reputation in the area, and my bro knows her secretary personally. He thought she would be fantastic. My mom also met the attorney several times and really liked this woman. She had her stuff together. So I'm not sure why she won't return the money after almost 3 months. But you're right, my bro should call the State Bar association or at least let them know he plans to do that.
Yeah, this for sure. Your brother is either lying or... I don't know what. I really can't even think of an alternative. I imagine it's out of shame and depression for the terrible situation he's in.
So I change my answer. I would encourage your parents to try and gain some type of temporary custody of the kids. Their mother is abusive and sounds like a sociopath. Your brother is too depressed (or abused or something) to stand up to her. I don't think anyone can help him until he's ready to be helped.
This part didn't sit right with me either. Most divorce lawyers have "seen it all" and would know to not fall for that, I would think.
Sounds like my ex husband and one time when I decided I didn't care what he thought, I was going to go to my long time friend's wedding and deal with the consequences. Maybe he should have told her about it, but it doesn't sound like it's an all the time thing, and he should occasionally be able to do something she doesn't tell him to do.
Have you notice you KEEP glossing over the whole "lawyer issue". We have all told you that this is hinky. At least two of us have given you advice on how to handle the "issue" so your brother can get legal help and move on.
And instead of clarifying the remaining questions or acknowledging the suggestions, you focus on her bad actions and even your brother's.
We get it, she is crazy. We get it, your brother is a battered spouse. We get it, your family is all forms of (insert adjective for people who have no common sense).
Until your brother decides to do the right thing/actions/reactions there will be no change. Because we gave you the correct advice the first time you posted about this here and we have continued to provide you correct information.