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Toddlers: 24 Months+
Child Psychologist for 3yo DS?
DS1 was with a nanny from 4 mo to almost 2 years old.
We wanted to get him some socialization and our nanny was moving out of state so we enrolled him in a top rate daycare. It took him 4 months to not cry when either my husband or I would drop him off. Then he would run to play and I had to track him down to give a hug/kiss before saying goodbye.
Now he's another year older and moved to the next classroom up. The room is twice as big (24 kids instead of 12) and there are 3 teachers and a much bigger yard with tons of kids. He's been in this new room for well over 2 months and some days are ok but most are bad. He has 2 very good buddies that he loves but it isn't enough to make a clean break.
His teachers say he's fine 5-10 minutes after leaving so I try and make the goodbye relatively fast and not linger. And when I pick him up, I have to bribe him with a treat that I have in the care because he's having fun.
I feel like he's struggling with some self esteem/abandonment issues and wonder if I should take him to a child psychologist.
Another example is we went to a birthday party at a tumbling place and the instructor had them stretch and be silly first. He was so shy and sucking his thumb and not wanting to participate.
Also at the pumpkin patch...we were the first ones there and there were jumpies and slides (stuff he loves) and he just didn't want to participate. It's not like anyone else was there yet, it was just us!
If I ask..."do you want to go to school or stay home" he always says stay home. We go anyway but why doesn't he want to go? I have no concern with abuse or anything like that.
Other noteworthy things is we moved in April, potty trained in May and we had another baby in July....so lots of changes.
His other friends at school seem to be so much more well adjusted and I'm wondering if I should try and figure out what's going on or if this is just his little personality coming through as a little 3 year old. I feel like he's trying to tell me something and I just don't know how to respond.
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Re: Child Psychologist for 3yo DS?
Sorry I left! Phone rang downstairs, then the baby woke!
No, no anxiety issues for me. I just want to make sure there isn't an underlying issue. I may re read my parenting book and see how I can word things to build confidence. It just seems strange that he takes SO long to adjust. 4 months on the toddler side and 2+ months on the preschool side seems way too long. And theres a mix...some kids have been there since infancy and some were with grandparents/nanny. He's just sensitive I guess.
I certainly don't want to jump the gun w/ the psychologist but I just want to make sure he's as adjusted as possible and look for a 2nd opinion. My husband is ok w/ the psychologist route. He thinks we just have to wait out these bad dropoffs.
It sounds pretty normal, but why are you asking him if he wants to go if his answer doesn't matter? If you're asking "do you want to go to school?", he says no, and you say "but we have to go" and you go anyway, you just told him that his preference doesn't matter. Sometimes it doesn't matter, but why ask in that case? It's not that you're giving him any control. At the least, I would drop the question, and only use those when he really does get a say in something.
We actually took our son for similar reasons and as recommended by our pedi...but I think he was a little more extreme than your son, he never wanted to go anywhere at all, including school, museum, pool, etc even though he had fun at all those places, he would resist going every time....he would cry at night that he wanted to go back to our apt (a temp apt that he hated, seriously was miserable there), he was sooooo easily frustrated when anything didnt go his way, he would meltdown way more than other kids, he would say really weird mean things when angry or frustrated, and we went on vacation and four days in he was refusing to go outside to the pool, to the beach, etc and begging us to go home, crying constantly...it was a miserable week and my mom was there and finally said something to me that she thought maybe we should talk to the dr about his behavior....
So we took him to the psychiatrist and basically he played w toys and answered some of her questions but she mostly talked to us about our concerns and observations, we had also moved states earlier in the year which meant new house, daycare, routine, etc. She gave him a diagnosis of anxiety related to an adjustment disorder so essentially a likely temporary anxiety due to all the change. She referred MH and I to a,psychologist for advice about how we could use strategies to help w his frustration and ours and she felt the things he was saying when angry were a good thing bc he was expressing emotions and a lot of kids that age cannot do that. However, she did plant the seed that some of his behaviors are things that kids w ADHD exhibit, so I don't know if that will play out or not, but we will keep it in mind in the future.
So, long story short, I am glad we went, it was very easy for all of us, and in fact he asks to go see her all the time bc she had fun toys in her office lol. Things have improved and I think it was and is really more a matter of time and maturity, and he just does not do well w transition and new things as easily as his sister or other kids.
Good luck!
groovygrl thanks for sharing your experience. I hope your son gets through this transition a bit easier!
I think I've relaxed a bit after speaking to one of his teachers today. She said he's fine a minute after I leave, he does it more with me than with my husband, and that there are other kids who have similar experiences. She's not worried about him at all and says he a totally normal/functioning kid.
Gosh it's hard being a parent! Thanks all
No psychologist needed. He is three. He is normal.
I also want to say that if the only real issue is the daycare drop off, I definitely wouldn't worry at all...some kids just do that for a long time, even if they've been going since they were babies. Once it crosses over into other areas of your life and becomes to the point like ours was where it seemed that doing anything at all was a huge ordeal, then I would call your dr & have a talk. Sounds like he is totally normal!
I'm a school social worker and private practice therapist. I would check with your pedi to see what they think. Maybe you and DH could consult with a counselor/ therapist (doesn't have to be a psychologist- counselors and social workers make great therapists too) about some parenting techniques that you could use to help make DS's transition a little easier. At that age, it's more parenting techniques that are effective than therapy for a kid unless there are severe behavioral issues.
Sounds pretty much like my son. He's slow to warm up to things, but once he gets comfortable he has a blast. I've always thought of it as part of his personality and n not necessarily a bad thing. He's cautious by nature and enjoys consistency. Unless these things are causing psychological harm and he is acting out in ways that harm himself or other people, I would just let him have his time to adjust and accept that your child may have a shy personality. My brother was this way growing up and I was the outgoing one. He always analyzes everything before he makes a choice and is cautious of new people, but he is a perfectly well-adjusted man with a great life. Also, kids can sense anxiety in their parents, so I think if you act like it's not a big deal and just keep calm and let him adjust to things slowly you will teach him that it is ok to take his time and there is no reason to feel stressed that he has to jump in immediately or feel bad about himself if he doesn't.
I struggle with that part sometimes because I am a total joiner so I think sometimes I pressure DS too much to do things when he would rather just watch until he decides if it is for him or not. GL!
Agreed.
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