MIL-Long vent...Just needed to clear my head.

bridetobe6808 · November 2012

Issue #1: Pretty sure I didn't ask you to come stay with us for a week!! My MIL was in Florida visiting her sister and decided she was going to stay with us for a week because we had LO's birthday party on Saturday. On a typical week, LO is in daycare on Mon and Tues. Well, since MIL is in town, I asked daycare if they could switch her days to Thursday and Friday this week so MIL could spend time with her grandchild. Well, apparently, I should not have assumed MIL wanted to spend time with her grandbaby. She was almost put off by the fact I switched LO's daycare schedule...I was kind of shocked by this because she is the one who always said she would come stay with us if we ever have crazy scheduling issues or need extra help over a certain time frame. We can't really afford full time daycare, so we do 2 days, husband watches her 1 day and my parents watch her 2 days. This is what works for us, so this is what we do. The fact that we had MIL here allowed us to switch our days and not use my parents this week. Forget the fact that MIL used to RUN A DAYCARE out of her home. What happened to loving kids? What happened to wanting a grandchild so badly?! I don't know..I don't get it.

Issue#2: MIL lives in NC and does not work. She stays at home, reads and smokes cigarettes all day long. She comes to my house, sits on her butt and complains of needing to get home because she has so much to do, "Like getting my hair done." What!? That is what you are busy with? Seriously? I can't take it.

Issue #3: She smokes cigarettes. We are not talking a pack a day, but enough to drive me crazy. The smell of cigarette smoke really affects me. My nose gets clogged up and my eyes get itchy. After she smokes, she does wash her hands, but I can still smell the smoke from when she opens the door to come inside. She wants to hold my daughter but I don't want her to because she has the smell on her clothes. Last night she wanted to rock her to sleep but I wouldn't let her because she smelled too smokey. I just said, "Oh, I'm just going to give her her bottle and get her to sleep quickly." I'm sure she was upset, but I don't care. I have to protect my daughter. What do others do when they have someone in their lives who smokes? Do you put your foot down? Does it not bother you? DH doesn't say anything, he doesn't seem to think it is a problem. So of course, I am the big fat meenie head.

Issue #4: MIL makes my husband lazy. When she comes into town he slacks on all of his responsibilities. I am 99% sure she is telling him that he does SO much what with watching is daughter 1 day a week and 1 morning a week. He is just so busy and so he shouldn't have to do anything except watch LO on his day off. He shouldn't have to help with laundry or dishes. I NEED HELP!! I have a full time job where I am gone 10 hours a day. My husband also works full time but we work opposite schedules He'll typically work 2-11 and he is off 2 days in the middle of the week. Usually the pumpkin is in daycare one of those days and he is with her one full day. I don't expect anything to get done around the house when he is watching her, but when his mom is there "helping" you would think he could maybe start a load of laundry or help by taking down some of her party decorations? Anything helps. MIL thinks I should have no problem doing everything around the house + work a full time job + take care of the baby. WTH? She was SAHM when her kids were growing up...guess she feels times have changed.

Issue #5: She has a problem with the way I do things with my daughter right down to the way I part her hair. I am tired of the unsolicited advice. I can't defend myself or say anything to her because no matter what I say she uses it against me.

Issue #6: She buys our daughter lots of stuff (clothes, shoes, toys, etc..) Financially, we do appreciate everything she does. This however should NOT give her the right to treat me the way she does. It is not a pass to walk all over me or call the shots when you come and stay at MY house.

Sorry. I know this was a book, but I just needed to get it off my chest. I just feel like I am at my wits end with this woman. She was not this crazy before DH and I got married. I really had no idea what I was in for. Sometimes my husband sticks up for me, but this trip, I feel like he has been influenced by her and has not stuck up for me at all. I know he loves me and he loves his mom, I just don't know that there will ever be peace between all 3 of us. Lord, please help me with this difficult woman.

amr1218 · November 2012

Sometimes it feels good just to vent and have someone say that you are completely justified in your reaction. Personally, my feathers get ruffled very quickly when it comes to DD and in-laws - so I can empathize.

I would guess that if you put some time and physical distance between you and you MIL, things will be more tolerable. Essentially, 'This too shall pass'.

But if you find that it is building true resentment that could permanently impact your relationship with MIL or DH, perhaps you should consider telling them how you feel. It is always wise to pick your battles, but you are definitely entitled to you opinions and should be respected in your home.

shaw · November 2012

MIL's can be such pills! I think one of the biggest problems is that people don't understand how much responsibiliby women have. When we were kids most mothers stayed home. It was much easier to get grocery shopping done, laudnry sorted, cleaning taken care of, bills payed, playdate scheduled...etc. Now we work full time and take on all of that on top of everything. However, if you try uttering once ounce of that to a MIL...you get a nasty look and a comment of "Well I liked being a mom." Or, " I didn't think that was difficult at all" Well of course you didin't...you weren't out of the house 10 hours a day! I have tired really hard to just smile and say mean things about my MIL to myself. I make sure to remind my H that none of the women in his family work or worked....ever....so our situation is MUCH different. I also try to politely stand up for myself with my MIL. Sometimes she starts talking again while I am talking and I just talk a little bit louder!?!??! What can you do!? My Mom smokes too. I have told here to wash her hands and wear a jacket of some sort when she is outside smoking so that LO isn't directly touching the smoke clothing. That is just another tough situation.

magnoliablossom00 · November 2012

I do not mean for this to come across snarky or rude in any way. However, these problems sound like they are stemming from you and DH not standing up for your family. If you don't want MIL to hold LO after smoking, then say so. If she doesn't like it, oh well- it's what is best for your daughter. My brother smoked when LO was born, and I told him that he had to wash his hands and either take off his over-shirt (he had another on underneath) /jacket or lay a light blanket over his shoulder before holding her. He completely understood. Why? B/c he loves her and wanted to keep her healthy. It's really not a big deal. Everyone knows smoking is terrible for you and contains TONS of chemicals. If MIL wants to deny that putting your LO around the smoke is bad for her, then she doesn't have to hold her. Simple as that!

As far as the other issues with help around the house, obviously that's between you and dh to work out. My dh and I have certain "jobs" that we do every night when LO goes to bed. I do the laundry and he loads and runs the dishwasher. Quick, easy, and saves us from fighting. Maybe having certain chores that are always yours or his will work for you guys.

If you don't like the way she underminds you, tell her. It doesn't have to be rude. Just say, "When you say xyz, it feels like you are trying send LO the opposite signal of what I'm saying. I am her mother and I am making the decisions on xyz." No biggie!

GL. I know ILs can be really hard to deal with. I just believe in standing up for your family and being honest.

Ariana2O11 · November 2012

sounds like she's forgotten what it's like to work, run a household, and have a kid. Stupid, old lady! (hope that made you feel a tiny bit better Stick out tongue )

bridetobe6808 · November 2012

Ariana2O11:
sounds like she's forgotten what it's like to work, run a household, and have a kid. Stupid, old lady! (hope that made you feel a tiny bit better )

A tiny bit. I just wish she'd stop being such a grump and start being a decent human being. It sucks because we tend to do a lot of holidays with his family because they come in from out of town. They always get a condo on the beach at Christmas time and they will be here for Thanksgiving this year also. I want it to be a nice break for me and good family time, but unfortunately because of her it is more stressful than a normal work week.

Ariana2O11 · November 2012

That sucks. I'm really sorry you have her as a MIL.

laurakaz13 · November 2012

I will only comment on two of your vents. Smoking is not okay and I would not allow her to hold your child if she smells like smoke. Period.

And secondly, MIL doesn't "make your DH lazy." He does that all by himself. He's an adult. Talk to him and tell him to act like one when she's visiting.

TooShy2 · November 2012

So sorry you are having such a hard time with your MIL. I have a few of the same issues (#5 and #6) and actually just had a huge fight with her this evening. I am way too tired and too emotional to write much at the moment, but one thing I am realizing is that keeping all my anger and resentment to myself probably wasn't a good thing and maybe if I had spoken up earlier we wouldn't have gotten to the point of having a really nasty argument. Vent here, but think about actually saying something out loud too. GL.

tmwishful · November 2012

The smoking would bother me the most. The rest is typical MIL stuff and human annoyances in general. Adopt a no-smoking rule around the child and your problems will reduce. Blame your pediatrician as recommending no smoking around the child because pollutants can linger on clothing and hair.

JamieKays · November 2012

My own mother smokes as well as my brother. They have a 20 minute rule about holding/touching my daughter after they have smoked. I laid it out there up front and accepted NO excuses. When she was a newborn, they were not allowed to hold her without a burp rag or blanket covering their shoulders (on top of the 20 minute rule).

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MIL-Long vent...Just needed to clear my head.

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