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Blended Families
fellesferie
member
Am I wrong? re: Christmas
fellesferie
member
Background--My CO is pretty vague. XH is entitled to "fair and reasonable" time with DS. The only holidays addressed are Christmas and Thanksgiving, and all it says is that I get evens and he gets odds (or vice versa.. I don't know).
Since XH is long distance, we don't really follow the CO. XH sees DS 5-6 times per year, and it's just kind of whenever he can. We negotiate on dates sometimes, but I have never said no if he's asked for time with DS.
This is XH's year for Thanksgiving. But for whatever reason, he can't make it and would rather have time at Christmas. I offered Dec 27 until Jan 4 (the day before DS is due back at school).
He countered with Dec 26-Dec 30. He's not insisting--he's asking. The last few years, we've all been pretty cordial.
The issue for us is that we feel like we have almost no family time around Christmas. DS's gone for the entire week of Christmas on the years he's with XH. And the last few years--on our years--we've done the kiddo exchange on Dec 26. Which is why this year I proposed Dec 27. I thought it would be nice to have one more day to recover and for DS to get to play with his new stuff.
Should I agree to Dec 26? Do I have a valid point or am I just being selfish?
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Re: Am I wrong? re: Christmas
You are not being selfish felles, I totally get wanting more 'chill time' with DS.
BUT seeing as you will have him for Thanksgiving and Christmas day, I think the 26th IS a compromise.
Also if ExH returns him on 30th you will still have him for a week before he goes back to school. 7 full days!
Yea sorry the more I think about it, if its important to ExH then you should agree. I mean its actually less time than you offered.
BUT ask if its important, it may not be.
I didn't really think about it like this. He probably wouldn't have asked if it wasn't important.
He sees DS so little that I hate the idea of taking anything away. But this exchange thing just sucks for us. DH and I were talking the other night about how it feels like it's been 3-4 years since we've felt like we really had Christmas time w/ DS.
Maybe I'll agree to the date this year but add that for future years I'd like to discuss us having an extra day or two on our years.
XH works for an international company, and I'm pretty sure he gets the entire week of Christmas off. So I think that's why he always wants to fit it in before New Years.
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Yeah...
I think he's trying to avoid using vacation time. It's possible he doesn't have any left this year. I have no idea. Ever since we split, he's been extremely private and secretive about his life.
I'm sorry, I know that wasn't the point of your post, it just jumped out at me and made me shake my head.
I can say from personal experience that doing exchanges on the 26th is rough. Even though we have K 40% of the time, it's hard the day after Christmas. My husband's CO has Christmas set up as the 24th @ 5pm through the 26th @ noon. It's a pain. K doesn't want to leave our house that early on the 26th, and she doesn't want to get picked up from Gma's that early. My kiddos don't want to get out of jammies (although neither do I) and have no desire to leave the house. We've started calling it the "Christmas hangover". There's just so much excitement and chaos on Christmas Day, people need the day after to recuperate. I can understand you not wanting to have DS leave that day.
I agree with PP, offer BD the 27th and see what he says. If he can't budge at all then maybe try and arrange the exchange time on the 26th for around dinnertime to allow you the day with DS. I'm just still baffled that he would willingly turn down time with his son. I guess it makes sense if it's an issue with work, but he has more than a month to give notice of needing extra time. If he's out of vacation time, what about sick time? I mean really, he only sees his son 5 or 6 times a year. I'm trying not to side-eye his request, but I'm finding it difficult.
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I know. I know. I'm just kind of sick of it. When it's not our year, I get 0 time the entire week of Christmas. When it is, I get 24-48 hours depending on the actual day of the week Christmas falls on.
The reason he'd only get 4 days is that's all he wants. He's turning down Thanksgiving, and he's turning down the week after Christmas. Whatever reasons he has, he's not sharing.
It's not a huge deal unless I decide I want to worry. Then I start worrying about setting a precedent and what happens if things ever go bad again. <sigh>
Thanks for all the feedback and the opinions. I really appreciate it!
I'm with this. The way I see it, that I get Jake so much more, I tend to be flexible with dates when I can, even if they are written out in our CO.
I would just give him the days he wants.
I don't think you owe him the 26th. You offered him Thanksgiving and the full week after Christmas - he is CHOOSING not to take the full time. Yes, DS would benefit from more time with his dad, but you not allowing visitation on ONE DAY is not what is making the biggest difference here - it's your ex's choices!
Maybe xh has a good reason for wanting the earlier dates, but for all you know he has a hot date for NYE and wants a "child free" evening and is willing to give up several days for an adult-only night.
I would ask - you are complaining about not having a lot of "family time" for the holidays - - but won't Dec 31-Jan 4th be "family time?" Or is your H working during the last half of the holiday?
Yes, MH will be working those days.
Really?! She's getting DS all Thanksgiving because BD IS WILLINGLY GIVING THAT UP. BD is CHOOSING to forfeit that visit. Felles offered 8 days, and he says he only wants 4 but he wants it to start the day after Christmas. I definitely understand you wanting DS to have some time to recuperate after Christmas and to have a little bit of time to play with his new toys. I would counter-offer with it starting on the 27th. I don't think you should have to bend over backwards for BD. When he gets Christmas, he gets several days after Christmas. You are asking for ONE day after Christmas.