Community› The Bump Message Boards› Blended Families
Blended Families
New Discussion

A different kind of adoption question

HisChamaoleGirlHisChamaoleGirl member
in Blended Families

DH and I are going through some IF issues and of adoption has been brought up. We are not officially at that point, but it is always included in our doctor's pamphlets.

 This made me think of our blended family situation. BM has already made it clear to SS8 that if we were to have a baby "he or she would only be your HALF sibling bc SM isnt your mom."

If we did get to the point of adopting then I can imagine what she would say then.

Does anyone have any experience in this area and what did you do? TIA

BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012

BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

image 

Report Reply to Post

Re: A different kind of adoption question

  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member

    I can't speak from an adoption standpoint, but I can tell you that BM has been badmouthing this pregnancy with K from the moment she found out about it.  K is 6 (almost 7) and BM has been emotionally manipulating her the entire time.  It started with, "Jo having a baby isn't good news and you shouldn't be excited", to, "Once the baby is born your father and Jo won't want you around anymore", and "That baby isn't going to be your real sister because that isn't your real family."  It's been hard on K and has caused her some pain, but we can't force BM to shut the hell up.

    All you can really do (and what we've been doing) is just keep reminding kids that they are loved, wanted, and that each new addition to the family is another person who loves and cares about them.  We can't control what is said at someone else's house, but we can control how we handle them in our own homes.  If SS expresses concern about the adoptive brother or sister not really being his sibling, just remind him that families come in all shapes, sizes and structures.  I know it will be harder with your SS due to the distance, but encourage a relationship between the siblings as much as possible.  Get SS a "big brother" shirt when/if the adoption goes through, refer to him as big brother to the baby and refer to the baby as "your little brother/sister" when talking with SS. 

    In regards to the title "half-sibling" I might be the minority on this board but I loathe that title.  I was raised to believe that you don't "half-ass" family, and therefore a sibling is a sibling - not half a sibling, not a step sibling.  With little kids, I think the term "half" makes them feel disconnected (which is clearly what your BM wants).  My kids don't refer to DC's son as their half-brother, he's their brother.  The kids and K don't refer to each other as step-brother/sister, just brother and sister.  This baby is their sister.  Adults are far more concerned with assigning these titles then the kids seem to be.  If kids were left to their own devices, they would probably never think to call someone a half-sibling or step-sibling.

    image

    Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools



    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • krhee102011krhee102011
    I agree with Jo. I have "step" and "half" sisters. But I never call them that because regardless they are still my SISTERS. I always call my "step" sons just my sons and I talk all the time about their future brother. I think just emphasize that families come in all shapes and sizes and it's all about loving one another. You can't control what other people say but you can control what goes on in your own home.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • twister22twister22 member

    Too bad you cannot just make BM shut the heck up. What a peach. I would tell SS that to you all, family is family, and you don't put titles in front of sibling, whether it be step, half, or adopted.

    I would also ask the adoption board this question, as there may be someone with a similar situation.

    T&P's your way for growing your family :). 

    image
    Report Reply
  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    I just wanted to make a comment about the "halfsibling" comment. My parents were married for 50 years, all my friends growing up had parents that were together with no kids from previous marriages either. I grew up in the suburbs in NJ too so it is statistically surprising. My point is that until I was with DH I had no experience with blended families and no vested interest in the wording. I have no issue using the words half or step to describe relationships, I would never say halfsibling to my kids or SD unless my kids ever asked for technical explanation of the relationship.. I do call my SD my stepdaughter because she was 11 when I met her and I was 26, I also looked young and she looked older and people thought we were sisters an no offense to any teen Moms because I know of at least one excellent one on here but I did not want that judgment when people ask and honestly SD had an involved BM when I met her.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
    Report Reply
  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member

    imageLittlejen22:
    I just wanted to make a comment about the "halfsibling" comment. My parents were married for 50 years, all my friends growing up had parents that were together with no kids from previous marriages either. I grew up in the suburbs in NJ too so it is statistically surprising. My point is that until I was with DH I had no experience with blended families and no vested interest in the wording. I have no issue using the words half or step to describe relationships, I would never say halfsibling to my kids or SD unless my kids ever asked for technical explanation of the relationship.. I do call my SD my stepdaughter because she was 11 when I met her and I was 26, I also looked young and she looked older and people thought we were sisters an no offense to any teen Moms because I know of at least one excellent one on here but I did not want that judgment when people ask and honestly SD had an involved BM when I met her.

    I feel like maybe I should clarify my earlier statement.  I loathe the terms "half" and "step" when they're forced on the kids in the situation.  If the child isn't using those terms on their own, I think it's really crappy of the bio-parents to constantly tell them that their new siblings aren't "fully" their siblings.  I too come from an intact family so I never really dealt with these terms growing up.  When I hear adults explain the relations to other adults and use the term "step" it doesn't really bother me as much.  For example: when my daughter refers to K as her sister and the girls look nothing alike (look at the Halloween photo if you want to verify, seriously they're complete opposites) I might say to the other mom/dad/teacher that K is my husband's daughter.  But I never find the term "half" to be appropriate.  Ever.  It just sounds like you're saying, "Well he/she is only your half-sibling, so they really aren't your sibling".  If someone asks about my kids' brother I might clarify and say their brother is DC's son, but I never refer to him as their half-brother.

    Regarding the bolded:  I was a team mom and my son is huge.  I mean seriously, he's 13 and is 6"3.  People have always thought I'm his sister and it's incredibly annoying.  Even now at 30 and big and preggo people will make a comment about him becoming an uncle.  So I understand wanting to clear that up  Smile

    image

    Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools



    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"