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Update

andpro01andpro01
in Blended Families

I posted a few weeks ago about my SS, who lost his mom in a car accident.  I thought I'd post a quick update on how its going.

We made it through the services (although fairly full of drama, which thankfully, my SS wasn't aware of) and have started to settle into a new routine at our house.  My SS seems to be adjusting pretty well and I think he really likes his new school.  Apparently, the lunch is better (which I guess is pretty important!) and he gets a locker. 

He does seem to be okay for the most part, although it worries me that he doesn't really talk about his mom at all.  We did have a talk at dinner last night about it and we reiterated to him that if he wants to talk about anything, including his mom, that we are here to listen.  It just seems like he's trying not to think about it and I know at some point, he's really going to have to face his feelings about what happened.

One of his mom's friends (they were very close and she has a DD about the same age as SS) had a get-together last weekend and SS went.  Now she wants to do something with him again this weekend.  I have mixed emotions about it.  We do have things going on, as well, and even before the accident, SS would not have spent every weekend with this lady (since we split custody).  We, of course, want to encourage SS to keep up these relationships, but don't feel it needs to be an every weekend sort of thing. 

Anyway, we're all still figuring it out, but it seems things are settling down a little bit.

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Re: Update

  • cole2144cole2144 member
    I would just say we have plans as a family but that she could take him some other time.
    No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.
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  • andpro01andpro01

    I agree about the therapy.  We're looking into it.  Although, the school counselor mentioned she has a grief program that she does with kids that have experienced a loss, too, which is nice. 

    We're also trying to figure out the best time to get this started.  We didn't want to force him to go too soon.  We haven't talked about it with him and I could see him really pushing back on it.  I really don't think he's going to want to go.

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  • 10-4LilBuddy10-4LilBuddy member
    imageandpro01:

    I agree about the therapy.  We're looking into it.  Although, the school counselor mentioned she has a grief program that she does with kids that have experienced a loss, too, which is nice. 

    We're also trying to figure out the best time to get this started.  We didn't want to force him to go too soon.  We haven't talked about it with him and I could see him really pushing back on it.  I really don't think he's going to want to go.

    We had some initial hesistation with SD8 going to a therapist.  We positioned it as just someone else to talk to.  It has taken her about a month to really get comfortable.  Maybe you can phrase it that way?  Our therapist specializes in children and really lets her determine the pace as they build trust.  Good luck.

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  • ballmomballmom member
    How old is he? We lost my late-DH when the kids were 14 & 7. My then 7 yr old handled it much differently then my then 14 yr old. She went on as nothing happened where the 14 yr old had a lot of grief to work thru. My advice is to watch for any signs that concerns you. There is not one right or wrong way to handle grief and children seem to handle it so much differently.
    ~Amy
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    imageandpro01:

    I agree about the therapy.  We're looking into it.  Although, the school counselor mentioned she has a grief program that she does with kids that have experienced a loss, too, which is nice. 

    We're also trying to figure out the best time to get this started.  We didn't want to force him to go too soon.  We haven't talked about it with him and I could see him really pushing back on it.  I really don't think he's going to want to go.

    Depending on his age, I think a group setting with his peers might be good for him as well.  I know in Jr High a friend of mine had her father pass away and she felt really alone, like no one else understood what she was going through.  Maybe check with your city and see if one is offered.

    As for when the "best time" is, I don't really think there is a best time.  Grief has a funny way of getting buried and then reappearing later on.  Maybe start counseling based on the change in living situations (as a transition) and then the counselor can address the loss of BM when he/she sees fit?

    I am so deeply sorry for SS's loss, and I will continue to keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.  I cannot imagine the pain SS is feeling and the impact this ordeal has had on your family.

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  • twister22twister22 member
    imagejobalchak:
    imageandpro01:

    I agree about the therapy.  We're looking into it.  Although, the school counselor mentioned she has a grief program that she does with kids that have experienced a loss, too, which is nice. 

    We're also trying to figure out the best time to get this started.  We didn't want to force him to go too soon.  We haven't talked about it with him and I could see him really pushing back on it.  I really don't think he's going to want to go.

    Depending on his age, I think a group setting with his peers might be good for him as well.  I know in Jr High a friend of mine had her father pass away and she felt really alone, like no one else understood what she was going through.  Maybe check with your city and see if one is offered.

    As for when the "best time" is, I don't really think there is a best time.  Grief has a funny way of getting buried and then reappearing later on.  Maybe start counseling based on the change in living situations (as a transition) and then the counselor can address the loss of BM when he/she sees fit?

    I am so deeply sorry for SS's loss, and I will continue to keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.  I cannot imagine the pain SS is feeling and the impact this ordeal has had on your family.

    All of this. I want to specifically agree with the bold - we have a good family friend where the husband/dad died, and the DD was about 10 I believe when it happened. She was in a grief group for preteens who had lost a parent, and she benefited TREMENDOUSLY from that. She doesn't attend the group anymore, but she still hangs out with the kids from the session she was in weekly or EOW. 

    Your SS and family are in our T&P's, and I hope things continue to go smoothly.

    Also, I agree with PP's that you don't have to let BM's friend take SS this weekend - just let her know that you already have plans and SS looks forward to hanging out with them soon. Are SS and that little girl close? I would make sure SS actually wants to hang out with them, because it is possible that the friend really misses BM and seeing SS gives her that connection. Just a thought. 

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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member

    A close friend of mine lost her H in a motorcycle crash.  They had a 7 year old daughter at the time.  She seemed totally fine for weeks.  Then all of a sudden it was like the bottom just fell out.

    Her mom got her into counseling, and it's helped a lot.  She still has her days, but now she's a happy, well-adjusted kid.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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