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Blended Families
Feeling Like a Stepchild
Hi there,
This is one of my first posts on this forum. : I'm 32 and my boyfriend and I are expecting our first child together on May 20. I am over the moon with happiness as I've been waiting to have a child at just the right time.
My boyfriend has a 17month old son from a previous relationship. He's been in an emotional custody battle with the child's mother over the past year in which she prevented him from seeing his son and he missed out on a lot of holidays and other important moments with him. They finally worked out a visitation agreement and he now has regular visits with him, which I am very happy about.
My boyfriend is so in love with his son and can't stop talking about him, which I think is adorable. However, it hurts a little because he doesn't seem as eager or excited to talk about our baby on the way and when I bring up the subject, he often switches the subject back to his son.
I realize he probably isn't doing this intentionally and will probably be more talkative about our child once we get later into our pregnancy, but with pregnancy hormones and everything, it has me feeling a bit hurt and lonely that I don't have anyone really to share my excitement with.
I'm hesitant to say anything to him because I'm sure he'll just tell me I'm being hormonal, and I also don't want it to seem like I'm not interested in or don't love his son, because I do.
Also, another thing that has been bothering me is he talks to and texts the child's mother for almost an hour multiple times throughout the day daily. I understand that they need to coordinate the visits and discuss matters about their son, and that my boyfriend also likes to hear his son's voice over the phone he can't really speak yet, but the frequency and length of their conversations bothers me, especially since I know they had a painful breakup that he never fully recovered from.
I've talked to him about this and he reassures me that nothing inappropriate is going on and that they are simply discussing their son, but I still worry. The loneliness and stress of the "whatif" of the situation is weighing on me and I don't want to be stressed out.
Thoughts on how to handle the situation? Any advice would be appreciated and apologies for the long post.
This is one of my first posts on this forum. : I'm 32 and my boyfriend and I are expecting our first child together on May 20. I am over the moon with happiness as I've been waiting to have a child at just the right time.
My boyfriend has a 17month old son from a previous relationship. He's been in an emotional custody battle with the child's mother over the past year in which she prevented him from seeing his son and he missed out on a lot of holidays and other important moments with him. They finally worked out a visitation agreement and he now has regular visits with him, which I am very happy about.
My boyfriend is so in love with his son and can't stop talking about him, which I think is adorable. However, it hurts a little because he doesn't seem as eager or excited to talk about our baby on the way and when I bring up the subject, he often switches the subject back to his son.
I realize he probably isn't doing this intentionally and will probably be more talkative about our child once we get later into our pregnancy, but with pregnancy hormones and everything, it has me feeling a bit hurt and lonely that I don't have anyone really to share my excitement with.
I'm hesitant to say anything to him because I'm sure he'll just tell me I'm being hormonal, and I also don't want it to seem like I'm not interested in or don't love his son, because I do.
Also, another thing that has been bothering me is he talks to and texts the child's mother for almost an hour multiple times throughout the day daily. I understand that they need to coordinate the visits and discuss matters about their son, and that my boyfriend also likes to hear his son's voice over the phone he can't really speak yet, but the frequency and length of their conversations bothers me, especially since I know they had a painful breakup that he never fully recovered from.
I've talked to him about this and he reassures me that nothing inappropriate is going on and that they are simply discussing their son, but I still worry. The loneliness and stress of the "whatif" of the situation is weighing on me and I don't want to be stressed out.
Thoughts on how to handle the situation? Any advice would be appreciated and apologies for the long post.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Feeling Like a Stepchild
I think your BF talks more about his DS because his DS is actually HERE. There's only so much you can say about a baby you haven't met yet, ykwim? I am sure what's your LO is here your BF will have a lot to say.
And your BF spending hours a day talking to BM is very excessive, and that would bother me too. He shouldn't need to spend a ton of time coordinating visits - he has a CO and that should outline when his visits are and how PU/DO's work. And if he wants to hear his son's voice, he should skype with him so they can see each other too - that might engage his DS more.
You are right. He may be a bit overwhelmed. He is excited, but the PG wasn't exactly planned. We have been together for a year with no plans to marry just yet.
Agreed.
Just to caution you......I agree an unborn baby isn't that 'exciting,' TBH when I was PG, I didn't even find it that exciting.....but also a baby that's here doesn't give someone as much to talk about as a toddler does. A toddler is active, engages with you, etc......I feel FI isn't 100% as talkative about the baby as he would be about his 16yo. It's different for me because this is my first and everything is new.
i just don't want things to be less than perfect when you're dealing with pp hormones and you thinking he doesn't love your LO.
He spends all that time talking to her because he wants to, not because he has to.
OP your SO is still emotionally involved with his ex and not ready to be in an committed relationship with anyone else. He wants the time and freedom to establish a relationship with his ex, be it friendship, co parenting or whatever they decide on, and with his son.
Only when he establishes that and is comfortable with it will he be ready to move on.
Sucks for you because you are PG with his child.
Don't get caught up in having to 'love' his child. Right now you need somewhere you can talk/vent about the stresses of being in a relaionship with someone who is not quite ready to be in a relationship, while pregnant.
However, if you interfere with or put any constraints on what he is doing he will ultimately resent you for it.
Tough spot to be in.
Best of luck, and I hope it works out for you.
Your BF is very excited to have his son here. You are excited to be pg. Its OK that you are both excited about two different things.
My DH had a very extended period without his boys. When he was re-establishing himself within their lives, he and XW attempted to co-parent. He spent a great deal of time talking to her. It was very distressing for me. I was just GF and not overly secure in our relationship and now I had two unknown kids to deal with.
FF several years. We have full custody. BM has done a full step out. No one talks to her. We are expecting our own baby together. We rarely talk about the baby (probably under 5 minutes each week). I'm due in June. Nothing exciting is happening with the baby that we can see/feel. And we have two kids that take all of our time.
full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
married since 2011
TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
Bloodwork: normal
2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
New RE appt 8/14/12
IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
Beta #1 BFP! 97
Beta #2 234
Beta #3 4937
ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
10/20/12 graduated!!!
EDD 6/7/12
Team PINK!!
Yesterday, I overheard some of my boyfriend and his son's mother's conversation over the phone. Another related issue we have is he proposed having her work with and for him again they used to work at a gym as personal trainers as a personal trainer in his company as a means of helping her reenter the workforce since she is currently a stayathome mom with no skills or education. While I am sympathetic to her situation, I am not comfortable with them working together so closely and have told him so, however, when I heard him on the phone yesterday, he was talking as if he still was going to move forward with working with her.
I spoke with him about it and we had a huge fight. He claims he is merely trying to help her become financially sufficient and that their lengthy conversations are necessary because it helps him understand his son's needs better and his hope is that if he stays friendly with her, he can eventually get longer visits with his son. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong and that I am being hormonal and insecure. However, he has agreed to not to work with her and limit their conversations, but I am afraid he will be resentful and the fact that he doesn't see what he is doing wrong disturbs me.