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June 2012 Moms
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Mil issues should I?

Starbear06Starbear06 member
in June 2012 Moms
Ask my husband to talk to her? We see mil once a week and every time I do something with DS like sit him up assisted or stand him up assisted, she'll criticize or say that he's too young and try to take him away from me. I know he's obviously not going to sit up or stand at 4 months hence the assistance on my part. Or the time when she criticized me with the way I was burping DS and takes him away from me. I want DS to have a wonderful relationship with his grandma especially since my mom passed away but when she does this to me every time I start to build resentment and get really defensive around her. The reason for the husband involvement is because of minor language barrier. We can communicate but not in a heart to heart type of conversation. But am I being too unreasonable for feeling this way? I want our relationship to be positive too but I think it's being affected by the way she always makes these comments to me like I don't know any better after taking care of him by myself for the past 4 months. I'm just not used to this type of criticism since my family does not do this. Need advice!
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Re: Mil issues should I?

  • laurenhankeylaurenhankey member
    Yes, I'd definitely ask my husband to talk to her about this.  There is absolutely nothing wrong or dangerous with what you're dong w/ your child.  If those things were dangerous then I could understand her stepping in.  Besides, this is YOUR and YOUR HUSBAND'S baby, not hers.  The longer you let it go the more resentment there will be.
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  • giggles0918giggles0918 member
    I absolutley would have him say something to her.  It's not going to go away unless something is said and it probably means more coming from him than you since it's his mom. My guess is it will get worse too unless you nip it now.
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  • SocialworkgirlSocialworkgirl member

    I definitely would have my husband talk to her (even if there was no language barrier). If my MIL tried to take DD away from me, it wouldn't be pretty! 

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  • violajackviolajack member
    If there's a language barrier, I'm guessing there may also be a cultural difference. I'm not saying it's okay for her to be taking LO away from you, but is she coming from a background where grandparents take a much more active role in raising grandchildren? I still think it's good to have a talk, so she can understand where you're coming from, but at the same time, it may be a more productive talk if you can understand where she's coming from. For most of us it's absolutely not okay for her to take LO away from you, but perhaps from her background, it's perfectly acceptable for grandparents to "teach" the new parents in that way and she thinks she's really being helpful. Perhaps there's a way for you to help her understand that while you want a good relationship, you're not comfortable with the level of interference in your parenting.
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  • Starbear06Starbear06 member
    imageviolajack:
    If there's a language barrier, I'm guessing there may also be a cultural difference. I'm not saying it's okay for her to be taking LO away from you, but is she coming from a background where grandparents take a much more active role in raising grandchildren? I still think it's good to have a talk, so she can understand where you're coming from, but at the same time, it may be a more productive talk if you can understand where she's coming from. For most of us it's absolutely not okay for her to take LO away from you, but perhaps from her background, it's perfectly acceptable for grandparents to "teach" the new parents in that way and she thinks she's really being helpful. Perhaps there's a way for you to help her understand that while you want a good relationship, you're not comfortable with the level of interference in your parenting.

    Yes, she has two other grandsons that she practically raised and still do. I absolutely will not allow that to happen to our family. I want her to have the grandma role and not mom role that she's used to with her other grandchildren. H knows how passionate I feel about that and also helps that we live an hour away. But I feel H should still say something so she can tone it down and then I wouldn't feel so resentful hanging out with her. And defensive too...I'm always defensive and weary what I do with my own child when she's around! That can't be right???
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  • kk2bkdkk2bkd

    imageviolajack:
    If there's a language barrier, I'm guessing there may also be a cultural difference. I'm not saying it's okay for her to be taking LO away from you, but is she coming from a background where grandparents take a much more active role in raising grandchildren? I still think it's good to have a talk, so she can understand where you're coming from, but at the same time, it may be a more productive talk if you can understand where she's coming from. For most of us it's absolutely not okay for her to take LO away from you, but perhaps from her background, it's perfectly acceptable for grandparents to "teach" the new parents in that way and she thinks she's really being helpful. Perhaps there's a way for you to help her understand that while you want a good relationship, you're not comfortable with the level of interference in your parenting.

    All of this! Well said violajack! I think there is a positive way to have this conversation so that it doesn't have a negative impact on your relationship. I would do it as soon as possible though, the longer it goes on the worse it will get. GL!

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  • mylittlesunshinemylittlesunshine member

    I think YOU should have that conversation with your MIL. While it might be DH's mother, this is an issue YOU are having. Eventually you are going to have to stick up for how you want things done with your child. If you want her to respect your boundaries, maybe show her a little respect and go to her directly yourself. Sometimes it sends a stronger message hearing it from the person who is directly having an issue. When talking to her be firm, yet polite.

    You are right in that you shouldn't feel defensive and weary when you are around your own child. Maybe the next time you are helping him sit and she goes to grab for him say "MIL he is doing just fine how he is" or "MIL, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't grab him from me".

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  • giraffe54giraffe54
    If your MIL is criticizing your parenting over small things (i.e., not over truly harmful things like abuse, etc.), and has 'practically raised' her other grandkids, it sounds to me like she is trying to parent your child as well. The question is, do you want MIL as a co-parent, or do you want her to be a grandmother. Letting her make you feel bad about your parenting without standing up for yourself and having her takeover makes her a co-parent. If you want your LO to have a wonderful grandmother-grandchild relationship then you need to make her be a grandmother. In other words, do not let her co-parent. Shut her down. Yes, your DH should be the one to do it. Even if it is a cultural thing (which I sometimes think is dubious), why is it that you need to bow down to her culture instead of her respecting your culture when grandparents do not co-parent. People always seem to think that being a doormat is the only way to be respectful. Is that what you want for your LO in life? To always give in to people who make her feel bad about her convictions and beliefs in order to not rock the boat? If not, then set an example. Say 'no' whenever she over steps the boundaries. Tell her that if she doesn't respect your parenting wishes 100%, she can no longer visit with you and LO. It's simple. And yes, make your husband talk to her since (I'm assuming) you and your husband have similar parenting styles. She's disrespecting his parenting beliefs, too. 
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