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CFjo2010
member
Seriously? Vent and insight please
CFjo2010
member
After K got ready for school this morning, she came in my bedroom for me to do her hair. She's wearing jeans that are clearly too small on her and a shirt that is getting too short. I just bought this little girl several pairs of jeans and long-sleeved shirts last week. Plus, she's wearing shoes that I know are too small and in fact, I had put them in the Goodwill box last week. I left K in my bathroom brushing out her hair and went to talk to my husband (in another room). I asked him to see if he could get K to change or at least find out why she's insisting on wearing clothes that don't fit.
We both go back into the bathroom and he starts talking to K while I'm doing her hair. He asks why she doesn't want to wear the new clothes we just got and she says, "I do". So he asks her why she's not wearing them and is wearing clothes that are too small and she says, "Because I get in trouble if I don't wear Mommy's clothes back to Grandma's". Seriously? Seriously?! I refused to say anything about it because I'm just done fighting this crap. At the end of the day she's not my daughter and even though I don't agree with what BM is doing, it's not my responsibility to intervene. It's my husband's job.
I hate letting K go to school dressed like that, especially since my daughter is always wearing clothes and shoes that fit properly and are free of holes. So this morning my husband actually stepped up and asked K to change. He had her change out of the shoes because they're too small (at least a full size small), and the jeans (when K took them off she had a red mark around her hips from them already). He let her keep the shirt on, which is fine. The shoes went back into the Goodwill box and the jeans joined them. I haven't seen those jeans in months so I asked K where she found them, figuring they were in my daughter's drawer by mistake or hiding in a toy bin. She tells me that BM sent them in the backpack yesterday. Um, huh?
Mostly right now I'm just venting. But I would also like some insight on whether or not we handled this appropriately. Was it wrong of my husband to have K change and potentially get her "in trouble" later? Should my husband address this with BM or just let it go? I hate the idea of having K stuck in the middle of her mother's power struggle, but I also don't want to make K "play along" and wear things that are going to hurt her. Thoughts?
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Re: Seriously? Vent and insight please
To the bolded: Ha!! No. BM will continue to send K to school wearing them. This is the exact reason why we no longer hand the clothes to BM and tell her they no longer fit. Instead of taking them to Goodwill herself or giving them to someone who can wear them, she has K continue to wear them. There was a fight about a year ago over a pair of shoes. We told BM they no longer fit and she said she wanted them back to give to a friend (her daughter is a year younger than K). No problem, we put them in a bag along with clothes that we had previously bought that were now too small as well. K showed up to school wearing the shoes and crying that her feet hurt. When I got her home there were blisters on her toes and on the back of her ankle because the shoes were too tight. They went in the Goodwill box and when BM asked for the shoes back we told her we got rid of them. She started yelling at us for not giving them back to her.
Again, if BM intended on giving the clothes/shoes to someone else we would definitely give them to her. But we feel like all she's doing is making K suffer so that she can continue to maintain her "woe-is-me" image, and that's not fair to K. Especially when K has an entire wardrobe here of clothes and shoes that are clean and fit properly.
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I think you did the right thing. I would have DH send a text to BM or something to let her know that he made SD change out of the clothes.
Next time, I might send them back to BM just so she's not in a snit that you threw out her clothes, but then you risk BM putting them back on SD.
Kids do grow quickly. SS has grown an inch and a half in the past 3 months! I made him give me back a pair of pants we bought for back to school because they are too short already. It's a constant battle.
dh needs to confront bm and tell her that HE asked her to change so sd doesnt get in trouble. when BM starts flipping he needs to just say: send her with/in clothes that fit and we have no problem returning them to you
BM does this all the time but it's not a power struggle for her it just because she is too broke to go buy clothes. We know she makes good money because they have to show them to the courts every few years and we saw last years W-2. She makes almost 6 figures and SD still never has anything that fits correctly and is clean. BM sent SD to school a few weeks ago in a pair of leggings that were a size too small that were too short also (navy blue), a shirt that barely came to the top of the pants (several faded black with bleach spots), gray socks with holes in both toes and hot pink shoes that don't tie (required to wear shoes that tie to practice tying shoes at school) and were a half size too small. I felt so bad for SD. I always carry back up clothes in my car because there is no telling how SD will come and I may have to go in public and I just can't do that to her.
Personally, dressing your child like that is a poor reflection on the parent and I would think less of BM in your situation. I would just send her in clothes that fit, with maybe "dad's house" on the tags so there is no confusion later and then send BM a text saying that "the clothes you sent for K are too small and hurting her. We have added them to the donation pile we take on Saturday's. Please return the clothes she is wearing to our house." If it were me and BM had done it several times I would even add, the sizes she is wearing are comfortable for K, you might go through her clothes and get rid of anything smaller so we don't have this problem again" but I'm annoyed with our BM pulling this crap over and over again.
BM used to play a bit of this game with us as well. We've lost coats that go to her house and never make it back. BM will do transition with the kids without raincoats in a downpour or winter coats during January. Its sad and frustrating.
PP's gave you good advice on dealing with BM. One way to keep K from playing along is to set guidelines for clothes that don't ever change and are fair for both girls. Clothes that don't meet the rules have to be put in the goodwill box (or go back to BM's, saved for the weekend only, whatever). Here are some of the ones from our house:
Dresses/skirts have to cover your butt when you bend over (or they have to wear leggings, not tights)
Jeans/pants have to be big enough you can put your hands in your pockets, and do up the fly without help
Any piece of clothing with a hole can't be worn to school (includes socks, underwear, etc)
Clothes have to be weather-appropriate
Your DH defo should call BM and just say 'hey the cloths you sent are to small so I had her change'.
Very sad for your SD to have to deal with the anxiey of the whole situation. So much for the innocence of childhood.
From the background on her BM, confronting BM (as you and PP have suggested) won't do much. BM has already shown that she doesn't care that SD gets hurt from her emotional manipulation.
If you do confront BM, I'd make it in writing just to be safe.
Yeah, given your previous posts, I didn't really think she had a good reason to want them back other than spite. In our CO (and I think the state standard too, not sure), all "personal effects" must be returned to the other house after each visit. So I guess that's where I'm coming from; I'd give the clothes back to be on the safe side.
Unfortunately it seems that SD's life isn't going to improve unless/until you guys get custody. I feel really bad for her, but there's not much else you can do to control BM's actions. It just sucks. I'm sorry.
Thankfully there's nothing in the CO regarding personal effects. K is here 40% of the time, so there is really no need to "pack" clothes for her. She has a full wardrobe here of clothes that fit properly. BM has been told in the past that if she doesn't want "her" clothes here, then don't send K here wearing them. I don't keep track of what clothing we've purchased that K wears to BM's because quite frankly, I have better things to do with my time then keep a log of what we've bought vs what BM bought (Not directed to anyone on this board, just repeating what I've told BM in the past). I'm not playing the clothes game with her, especially when it's regarding clothes that no longer fit.
My husband has been put on notice that any clothing in this house that is clearly too small or has holes is going to Goodwill or in the trash. This goes for K's clothes, my daughter's clothes and my son's clothes. If he chooses to play BM's games, then he needs to come across these clothes before I see them. It just doesn't seem fair to keep making K suffer so that BM can portray whatever image it is that she's trying to accomplish.
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Hopefully now that we've gotten rid of the shoes that don't fit there will no longer be a problem. But if BM manages to come up with another pair of shoes that are way too small, then we may have to look into what you've suggested. Dear Lord, can you imagine that discussion with her teacher? "Excuse me, can we leave extra shoes here since K's mother refuses to let her wear shoes that actually fit?"
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Jo, I don't mean this as an attack at all, but it seems like you bring up "What will the teachers/other moms think?" a lot. Do you really care that much? I mean I understand that it can be a bit embarrassing, but since you are active and present at the school I would think most people could figure out that these things are not your fault. In fact, I think the teachers have shown that they are concerned and want to help do what's best for SD. Unless the other moms end up as a witness in court, their thoughts and opinions about your family affairs don't really matter. I hope that didn't come off as snarky.
No, I understand what you're saying. My concern and what I want to avoid is bad-mouthing BM to the teacher or other parents. My husband and I know she's bad-mouthing us every chance she gets, and we don't want to be like her. We've tried really hard to let our actions speak for us, but when we have to actually discuss things we try and keep it neutral if possible.
And to the extent that I do care what people think: the comparisons of how my children are "treated" as opposed to how K is "treated". Since my daughter and K go to school together, it's very obvious that my daughter is dressed a certain way and K is dressed quite differently. I don't want people believing the garbage BM says and I would hate if one of the other kids ever made a comment to K.
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Yeah, I understand it's hard to be honest and not to badmouth BM at times. I find the phrase "Unfortunately, that is not within my control" to be very helpful in that situation. lol.
BM is BSC. I would have DH send BM an email (so it is in writing) explaining what SD said, and explaining why he feels it is inappropriate for K to wear clothes that are too little (the shoes give her blisters, the pants leave marks on her hips, etc.) Document all of this.