What's your SO's family culture like?

kelly321 · November 2012

In particular for those of you married to someone of a different nationality, but also for anyone who feels like their SO's family has a different mindset -- what are they like? How do they differ from what you're used to? Do you find it easy to get along with them despite any differences or are there conflicts that result?

kelly321 · November 2012

DH's family is extremely conservative, which isn't a big deal for me usually except on one matter. His mom belongs to the post-war Western German generation in which the women stayed at home to exclusively watch the children. In the generations before that the women stayed home but had to do all of the household chores like washing, cooking, etc, by hand (before washing machines and vacuum cleaners) in addition to keeping an eye on the kids, and now in this generation it can be difficult to be a one-income family (but not nearly as hard as it is in the States). She went to college to find a husband (self-admitted) and quit before she was half-way done when she was married and pregnant with DH, her oldest son.

Although my mom was a non-traditional student and got her BA when she was pregnant with me at 34, my parents both have BAs and worked full-time - a big difference to how DH grew up.

So the fact that 2 of her DILs either got or are working on their PhDs and are working after having children is a sore point with MIL and causes tension. Before we were even TTC, she once flat-out told me - absolutely unsolicited in a conversation that was about something else - that if I chose to work before our children were 3 years old that "the family" would not understand and would not support me in any way. Awesome.

I'm just curious as to how many others find this kind of SAHM-or-else mentality (or other conflict issues) with their ILs.

bugabean · November 2012

It's the complete opposite here. Not just my ILs, but pretty much all Danes don't understand why anyone would SAH. I've been told, repeatedly, I did things backwards by having kids before finding a job and taking advantage of the maternity leave. I wouldn't say that people are hostile about it, but they just don't get it. "What do you do all day?" "Why don't you want a real job?" kind of stuff. They aren't trying to be insulting, but?.

The biggest difference between my family culture and DH's is that my family values independence, and his doesn't. That's oversimplifying a bit, but? my parents were always encouraging us to do things ourselves, to work out our own problems, and repeating mantras about being able to do anything you can put your mind to. (To a fault, IMO. Sometimes it's ok to admit you need help, yk?) The ILs are always trying to do things for us, and get confused if we actually want to do things ourselves. I once asked FIL to show DH how to fix some plumbing that he was doing for us, in case we needed it done again. FIL said, "why? you can just call me again." Again, to a fault. Help is great, but what if you're on vacation when we need help? What if you die one day, as humans are wont to do? What if DH just likes learning stuff because it's a good thing to do? *boggle*

MouseInLux · November 2012

DH's parents are the same age as my grandparents. They still value old wives tales and have imparted that on DH...it can be annoying! They love that DH and I like cooking and baking etc and how we raise DD. I think the big thing is the old thing...they don't think they can learn anything new..email is scary, trying to get E to nap while they are there is scary.

PittPurple · November 2012

We are all American, but our families are very, very different. I grew up in a very liberal Jewish family with lots of talking about recycling and vegetarianism and that sort of thing. My parents divorced when I was 18 and my mom is currently dating a woman. There's lots of religion and singing and artsy things and my parents are both pretty odd people.

DH's family are pretty traditional. His mom's Catholic and grew up in a very Catholic family. They are much better off financially than my family and value 'stuff' - big houses, big TVs, that sort of thing.

Our families really hated us dating at the beginning. My family because of religion and DH's family because of just how different I was to what they are used to and I guess what they pictured for their son. We've been together over 12 years now and everything is mostly fine but I imagine we're going to find a whole lot of other differences now that we'll (B'H) have a baby soon. DH's mom already thinks I'm totally insane for wanting to cloth diaper for example.

AmericanInOz · November 2012

my ILs are very conservative, don't drink much, very 'proper'. FIL is British and MIL is South African

VERY different to my family, who likes to have 'scotch o' clock' lol

We get on fine though, they're just different is all. Only thing I find VERY different is Christmas. At my parents house we each open gifts and just go for it - always stopping inbetween to go thank people, but you know - just opening at your own pace at the same time as everyone else. Where at their house we all sit in a circle and open one at a time and read everyone's card before moving on. It's nice - just so different from what I'm used to!

I've known them for so many years now though (12 I guess) that I feel comfortable just being myself around them, loudness and all

they trust me that I read a lot and am confident in the way we parent dd and rarely say anything, which I do appreciate!

stever · November 2012

My IL's a verrryyy middle England. They're lovely and we get along really well but they're very conservative and from the country.

angelacarmen · November 2012

My family and my ILs are all Canadian, but I grew up on a ranch and my DH is from the city so the cultures are totally different. My ILs are very well travelled, retired early and are always on the go. My parents have moved once; from the ranch I grew up on to a bigger ranch that they are on now. The first time either of my parents was on a plane was to come and visit me here. Neither of them really likes to travel and can't understand why I do or why my ILs do. My family is very rural, family-first, conservative to the point of closed minded, whereas my ILs are very social and open people who love to make new friends. I'm the black sheep in my family and actually relate better to my ILs, which I know is strange. My parents are horrified that we didn't move back to Canada to have LO whereas my ILs are trying to fit visits to us in between all of their other travels. It's a bizarre situation, but thankfully neither set are close enough to us (hopefully) to have much influence on how we parent. They will have their opinions, I'm sure, but at least they won't be hovering over and criticising all the time.

What's your SO's family culture like?

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