May 2013 Moms
Need Advice- TTC SIL & where to post?
I haven't told my SIL that I'm pregnant yet and I'm still beyond worried about it, and have been since the moment that I found out. I really would love to get advice about how to tell her from someone who has been there- she's older (around 40), been TTC for 4.5 years (since her wedding), has gone through multiple rounds of fertility treatments and in-vitro, and nothing has ever "stuck." She's the sister I never had and she means the world to me and I don't know how to tell her. She also knows (from our conversations in the past) that we weren't trying (and while I'd never mention that, there is no doubt in my mind that she would be thinking it). I considered posting this on one of the TTC boards but I don't know if that is appropriate, and the last thing I want is to hurt or offend any of those women, as I really feel for them (as I do my SIL). Any thoughts? I really really want to hear from people who have been there and what would have been/was helpful for them in such a situation, not just speculation or how someone else told someone who was TTC (no offense- I've just gotten plenty of that already and haven't found it to be helpful). It just tears me up that I'm going to have to tell her something that I know is going to be painful and I'm struggling with it everyday. I will be seeing her the weekend before Thanksgiving (our traditional Thanksgiving dinner) so the time is coming up on me quickly.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need Advice- TTC SIL & where to post?
As someone who has gone through multiple treatments herself, please tell her before someone else does, or before she over hears it through the grape vine. That is THE WORST.
Personally I would tell her something FACE TO FACE like "I just wanted to let you know I am PG, I know with everything you are going through this could be difficult for you. Please let me know if you would like info about my pregnancy or if you would like for us to not talk about it." Tell her she is the sister you never had, and that you care for her so much, and that it was difficult for you too to break the news.
Unfortunately, no matter what you say it will still hurt, and by no means is it your fault. Its just the "joys" of infertility.
Me(26)PCOS, Hypothyroidism & Incompetent Cervix DH(28)Azoospermia
4/11 Off BCPs -- Cycle 1-3 (6months) - No ovulation, Provera
Cycle 4-6 - Provera, Clomid 50mg, CD23BW - All BFN (HSG-all clear)
Dec 2011 DH S/A shows zero count - dx Azoo
TESE 4/13/12 - Sperm found!! 5 viles frozen
IVF ICSI #1- (Lupron protocol) 5R 2F 2dt- 2DP & 4CF - BFFN
IVF ICSI #2- (Antagonist protocol) Started stims 7/26
ER 8/8 11R 9F 3dt - 9BF & 7BF (+HPT 8dp3dt)TWINS! EDD 5/1/13
LAP Transabdominal Cerclage - 4/15/13 only possibility of carrying my children to term
IVF#3 - June 2013 - canceled.
IVF ICSI #3.2- (Antagonist Protocol) 7/26 start stims (same day, a year later from J & Z's stim start date!)
9/11/13 - U/S shows 1 baby HR 135bpm! EDD: 4/30/13
It's a BOY!!
2/9/14 - DX Gestational Diabetes
C-section scheduled for 4/7/14 (36w5d)
Colin Joseph - 1:07pm 6lbs 14oz - 8 days in the NICU
Everyone Welcome!
I totally get where you are coming from. I'm in the same situation with my cousin's wife, who was also my little sister in my sorority. She's been trying to conceive for a little over two years and just let me know about their problems a few weeks ago. As she explained what was going on with her, she talked about how upsetting it was to see everybody get pregnant...And I mean everybody! Little did I know that I was even pregnant at the time!
So now I'm faced with how to tell her. She said that she was warned by my uncle, before the last person called to tell her (my brother and his wife) that they were pregnant and that she and my cousin were so devastated, they didn't even answer the phone. Her best friend, who is also pregnant, sent her a text message and said, "I know that things are tough for you guys right now, so instead of calling I wanted to send you text to give you time to deal with this information and then you call me as soon as you are ready...but I really want you to know that I am pregnant." This seems inappropriate at best.
So...I'm also looking for a proper way to handle such a delicate situation.
Good luck with your SIL! Would love to hear how you decide to handle it!
My suggestion is to tell her and then don't bring it up again until she talks about it. If y'all are so close, she will be happy for you even thru her own disappointment.
Good luck!
Me(26)PCOS, Hypothyroidism & Incompetent Cervix DH(28)Azoospermia
4/11 Off BCPs -- Cycle 1-3 (6months) - No ovulation, Provera
Cycle 4-6 - Provera, Clomid 50mg, CD23BW - All BFN (HSG-all clear)
Dec 2011 DH S/A shows zero count - dx Azoo
TESE 4/13/12 - Sperm found!! 5 viles frozen
IVF ICSI #1- (Lupron protocol) 5R 2F 2dt- 2DP & 4CF - BFFN
IVF ICSI #2- (Antagonist protocol) Started stims 7/26
ER 8/8 11R 9F 3dt - 9BF & 7BF (+HPT 8dp3dt)TWINS! EDD 5/1/13
LAP Transabdominal Cerclage - 4/15/13 only possibility of carrying my children to term
IVF#3 - June 2013 - canceled.
IVF ICSI #3.2- (Antagonist Protocol) 7/26 start stims (same day, a year later from J & Z's stim start date!)
9/11/13 - U/S shows 1 baby HR 135bpm! EDD: 4/30/13
It's a BOY!!
2/9/14 - DX Gestational Diabetes
C-section scheduled for 4/7/14 (36w5d)
Colin Joseph - 1:07pm 6lbs 14oz - 8 days in the NICU
Everyone Welcome!
Petra- you really think that a note isn't a cop out? I guess I can't help but to feel like it is if I don't do it in person. I definitely want to give her time to absorb it and be upset about it, and I'd never be upset about her reaction to the news because I really do know how hard this has been for her. We are really close and I would worry that if I wrote her something instead of telling her in person it would be for selfish reasons, like I'm scared to see her. You know what I mean?
I was thinking that I would tell her at the end of our visit (we'd be there for the weekend) and then we would leave so that she could be alone with her husband. Would that make a difference? That way she wouldn't have to put up a brave face and hang out with us afterwards?
Thank you for your suggestions. I know that she'll still be hurting and I'm not offended or upset by that. And I definitely would never let her find out from anyone other than me- the only people that know is my family (mom's side) and not even everyone yet; I've blocked my facebook so that nobody can tag me or write on my wall until I've told her. I've also spread the word to the people that do know that nothing can be on facebook.
But that does raise another question I have- once I've told her, is it insensitive to post a facebook announcement? Or updates, etc. on facebook?
I suggest a phone call. Ask her to call you when she has a minute and make sure you find out if she is home or somewhere private.
Then just tell her. I have always been happy for friends and family who told me they were pregnant. But def do it before she finds out from someone else.
Just dont be upset if she doesnt give you the big jump up and down screaming congrats right away. Some people who have gone through what we have gone through need a little time to sort out their own feelings about it before they can really express how happy they are for you.
And lastly, dont feel bad about being pregnant. I had a few friends tell me they were so worried about how I would react and I was sad that their concern for my feelings may have ruined a little bit of their joy.
DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
I sent her a very kind email announcing our pregnancy but also explaining that I wanted her to know that I am thinking of her and her feelings.
I know an email may seem impersonal but I didn't want to put her on the spot in a face to face conversation. I wanted to allow her the space to react as needed.
It was truly one of the hardest but most important emails I've ever written. She matters a whole lot to me and i wanted to tell her before others. I received the most heartwarming email back from her telling me that she appreciated that I thought of her feelings. She was very congratulatory too.
EDD 1/31/13, MC May 17. EDD 3/31/13, MC July 26. I miss you so much already my angel loves
You have been given some great advice! I just wanted to share some on my stories...
1. Finding out with a phone call: My best friend called me when she was 5 weeks pregnant to let me know she was expecting. I was happy for her but more scared than anything because I MC early on. My side of the conversation was something like "Oh that is so exciting! I have to go now."
2. Finding out through text: A very good friend who texts me all the time (It's really the only way we communicate) texted me to tell me she was pregnant the day she took her test. There were some extenuating circumstances so I was frankly pissed she was pregnant. She was let me vent to her about her situation and that helped me in many to deal with what I was feeling. (I know I sound like a horrible friend for not just being happy for her but I couldn't in good conscience congratulate a bad mom on being a mom again. Terribly selfish, I know.)
3. Finding out through FB: The WORST way to find out that a close friend is pregnant for a TTTC person... Its no big deal if there are not that close with you but two(!) of my very good friends from college have done this to me and it is not fun. I was at work when I saw it and just bawled my eyes out. As for FB updates. Yes, please post as normal. If it bothers her she will hide your posts.
As for the advice you have been given... I think it depends on who SHE is in how you tell her. For me, a note would really hurt my feelings but so would being told in person yet expected to not show how I really feel. You have talked with her, so you have probably heard how she has felt in the past when other people tell her they are pregnant and you know what personality she has. Do what you know she would appreciate. I always loved it when people got me involved in their pregnancy because it helped ease the pain of my own loss. I think that is wise to ask her about whether she wants to hear about it or not, or just wait until she asks you about it.
However you decide to tell her, be prepared to not get an uber excited congratulations. But also don't let it ruin the joys of pregnancy for you! Be excited about your pregnancy and she will be as well even if its not right away. I think its great that you are being as careful as possible to protect her feelings and I'm sure she will too