Parenting after a Loss
pottermommy
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Does this make me a bad mommy if I follow thru with this? Be honest.
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WYYD: Taking away Halloween: Update in Responses.
pottermommy
member
Does this make me a bad mommy if I follow thru with this? Be honest.
Katelyn has been in trouble ALL week at school, this week and last week. Yesterday it got to the point where the teacher called, she got seperated from the group and a note was sent home.
This has been a battle all year long! I followed suggestions took her to a counselor, she's fine. I took her to the Dr, no ADHD no ADD no Asbhergers nothing is wrong. In fact she is advanced and overall a well balanced child. They called her precotious. Precotious my butt it isn't cute that she is being bad in school. Long and short of it, she won't shut up and disrupts everyone else in the room.
I don't think she should get to trick or treat. I am contemplating dressing Gabriel up, taking him to see famliy all dressed up and taking him out (it isn't fair to him or me or daddy to hae to miss his first one b/c of Katelyn) and not putting her costume on, not lettting her get candy or anything.
I just don't know what to do, she has really been looking forward to this but you can't beat her you know? I have no issue with a pop on the tush or anything, but there is only so much that it actually does, she doesn't care about getting rewards apparently and being grounded is apparently no big deal, even though the kid has no toys no tv no nothing in her room right now. I think taking away something that she has been looking forward to might get her attention. I don't reward bad behavior, candy and fun is a reward...
But I feel really guilty about it. Is this an acceptable punishment or is it going too far?
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Re: WYYD: Taking away Halloween: Update in Responses.
Have you already told her that it's a potential consequence? If not, it's kind of out of the blue and may confuse her.
Why is she acting out at school? Bored? Having a hard time adjusting to a new sibling? If she's bored because she's finishing her work early, then you can talk to the teacher about getting her a book or other quiet activity to do while she waits for the other children to finish. It has to be something she's interested in so it'll hold her attention and so if the teacher has to take it away (for her acting badly), she'll actually care about the consequence.
I think that if you already said to her "If you misbehave again, you're not going to be allowed to go Trick-or-Treating", then it's important that you follow through with that.. however, if that wasn't a verbalized consequence, I'm not sure how effective it would be. I think whatever consequences you say will happen if she isn't behaving, it's important that you do follow through..
Also -- I agree with PP -- talk with the teacher -- perhaps she's bored in class? If she is very bright and finishing her work too quickly, that would leave her with excess time to chat and disrupt others.
Good luck!!
I'm obviously not a mom yet, so I hope you don't mind my opinion here.
What is something that she would consider a punishment besides losing out on Halloween? Sometimes, finding out what is important to the child is helpful because then you can make consequences accordingly.
I work with children that have tremendous behavior problems, whether it be an organic reason (mental health), trauma, abuse, etc. The biggest thing I learned that I will take into my parenting is choices.
If Halloween is important to her, find something else that is too and make her choose. Giving her the choice to choose her consequence not only gives her a little power but it also teaches her that every behavior has a consequence, whether it's positive or negative. Children generally accept a consequence they choose even if it's one they are still upset about because they got to select from two options.
I personally, would only give her two options because at a young age anything more than that is too much to contemplate and can be overwhelming or not fully understood.
Good luck and I hope you are able to get to the bottom of her behavior issues. It could be something as simple as her being bored. She could also be getting a bit of the cold shoulder from her teacher because of her outspokenness, which is only resulting in her attention seeking. Just another idea.
I agree w/ pp's about if you've already said no trick or treating if she misbehaves then following through is key. However if that hasn't been broached, I would have a hard time taking that away... its a holiday of sorts... if she's "precocious" around Xmas, will you cancel Xmas? Its definitely tough. Could you allow her to go trick or treating, but tell her she isn't allowed to have her candy until she improves her behavior?
I also think talking to the teacher to see if you can add in some work to keep her busy or to help her focus. If you've already ruled out other possibilities, it sounds like she just needs something more to do. Maybe some advanced work? Or some non-disruptive task she could do in the classroom to keep her occupied? Unfortunately if the teacher is just dismissing her as a bad kid, that won't help the situation get any better - I'd work with her to try to find ways to curb this behaviour before it gets any worse.
Our resolution:
We decided to tak her ToTing but she is not allowed to have her candy. We also only went to the mall. We had intentions to go to our neighborhood her mawmaw's neighborhood nd the mall but b/c she wasn't allowed the candy and b/c of her behavior we went b/c it wasn't fair for G to miss out so we only went to the warm well lit mall so he could get his first experience. If she is good for the next week we will then work on earning candy back, but she has to be good that day in order to be allowed candy that afternoon. I also talked to her teacher, I requested that she not be put back in the group. If at the end of the semester she has learned to control her behavior in class than next semester we can retry the group. But for now until she proves she can have long standing good behaviour in class she is on an island...
On a side note, she came home today with a note stating that today she had exceptional behavior and that she even apologized to the teacher for being disrespectful. So we shall see how this goes
(((big hugs Momma))) I'm sure it's tough
Hopefully this will be the change she needed!