Blended Families
lb1212
member
Ugh...Parenting Styles
lb1212
member
I'm barely three months into my blended family so we're still in the adjustment period. After a difficult weekend, DH and I are trying to compromise on some household chores for the kids - DS turns 11 on Thurs. and SD is 8 - almost 9, They were asked to clean their rooms Saturday. SD tossed everything either under her bed or in a clothes trunk. Just glancing in her room, it looked clean. Not-so-DS is full of pre-teen attitude and we ended up fighting. DH just sort of stared at me the whole time. DH is going to work on backing me up, but wants help in clueing in when I need/want back up. So now I have to a) teach SD how to clean b) deal with pre-teen attitude AND c) teach DH how to back me up.
Any tips?
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Re: Ugh...Parenting Styles
DH should be handling this not you.
he should be telling the kids what chores to do and seeing that they are completed.
he's the dad your the SM, sorry but the kids aren't going to listen to you about this and certainly not this soon into the BF situation. over time once the chores are established yes you can be the one to remind them but you being the one to handle from day one is a recipe for them to resent you.
Been there.....
In the beginning Husband would talk to the kids about what their responsibilities were and was expected of them in a family meeting of sorts.
For example, I do laundry on Saturdays and your laundry has to be in the laundry room in the sorted bins in order for it to be done by me. If its not there than and you need clothes after you do it yourseves
Your bedrooms should be cleaned once a week, hang up your clothes, dust etc...
They are also responsible for cleaning the basement and their bathroom. So one kid picks each room to do.
And if they have friends coming over they are required to ensure that the area they plan on entertaining in is clean (before and after).
He took care of all the harassing to get things done, how it should be cleaned etc...
But with teens an pre-teens, they need constant reminders. 3 years later and we are still reminding them
They need to be on the same page as far as expectations for the kids go.
A) I would do this for both SD & DS so it doesn't look like there's preferential treatment and everyone has the same expectations. Make a chart for both kids with how you & DH define a clean room, i.e.:
1) Clean clothes must be hung up in the closet or folded in the dresser.
2) Dirty clothes must be in the hamper.
3) Books and toys must be on the bookshelves.
4) Etc.
With things clear, if and when SD (or DS) says "but my room IS clean!" you can respond with "Not to our expectations, please go make it right." It sounds like SD has grown up thus far with her way of cleaning being appropriate, so it will probably be beneficial to help her the first several times, helping less and less until she does it 100% on her own.
B& C) I think with DS's preteen attitude, that it is best for you, as his BM to play "bad guy" instead of expecting DH, your DS's SF, to fill that role too. At DS's age he may resent SF for a multitude of reasons, and I think his parenting coming mostly from you at this point would be best. As you guys become more comfortable in your blended family and more time has passed, then I would think it will be more acceptable for DH to play more of a parenting role. In the situation you described, I would simply have DH stay away from the situation versus standing there saying nothing.
I'm sorry, but I disagree with this, especially the bolded. She is an adult, it's her house too, and ANY child who lives or stays there for any period of time should be expected to respect that.
OP, get on the same page with your H about what a clean room is, about what other chores are expected, etc... and set up clear consequences if they aren't completed. Then, no arguing, it's just "I'm sorry, but your room is not cleaned the way we expect it to be cleaned, therefore you lose your tv/internet priveleges for x days." Be consistent!
I like what PP said about making a list of what makes a room clean.