MIL advice...

provencalks · October 2012

My inlaws and I don't see eye to eye...

On quite a few occasions I have been hurt by my in-laws, mostly my MIL... I could go on and on about it, but lets just say even going to speak to someone about it didn't even work... We see them probably once a month, and as hard as it is to look at people who have hurt me so badly, I do my best for my husband...

Long story short, I cannot trust them, not at all. We just finished telling my parents that we're pregnant and I'm not going to tell my husband he has to wait until we're past the 1st trimester (that seems unfair), but I'm scared that, no matter how much we tell them not to, they're going to pass it around... I was a victim of a bad crime and was left hurt and embarassed... I thought due to the circumstances, they wouldn't tell people what happened... well, they told everyone... I'm affraid that is going to happen again...

What do I do when I can't trust my future children's grandparents?!

luckylindy · October 2012

Your in-laws sound a lot like mine. In our case, we just didn't tell them until later in the pregnancy and accepted the fact that they weren't going to listen to us.It really sucks and it's tough knowing I can't trust them, but, at least in our case, we are use to it.

So sorry this is happening.

Amberly1001 · October 2012

Don't tell them until you want everyone to know then. I know it doesn't seem fair since you already told your parents, but it sure isn't fair of them to go around telling everyone things that you don't want going around....best of luck to you, MIL's can be quite something...

provencalks · October 2012

That is true!... the last couple years have been very, very hard... I have gone out of my way, even sought help for how to deal with it all, and nothing works... they'll never change... I just hope knowing how big and important this news is to us, that they'll respect our wishes... BUT, then again, important personal information didn't matter to them before...

Maybe I need to speak with my husband again and go from there...

veronicamars747 · October 2012

Amberly1001:
Don't tell them until you want everyone to know then. I know it doesn't seem fair since you already told your parents, but it sure isn't fair of them to go around telling everyone things that you don't want going around

Yes

I totally agree. Same idea I'm planning to use at work with my boss.

Amberly1001 · October 2012

If you wait to tell them until you're more comfortable with other people knowing as well, do you think they'll have a way of finding out that your parents knew before they did? Would they get really upset? My parents knew weeks before we told my MIL/FIL, mostly just because we don't see them as much. They never asked or knew about my mom and dad knowing before they did!

lioness13 · October 2012

I think you are being fair based on her personality. You don't have to treat her the same as your parents. When people show you who they are, believe them! If you know she will tell, don't put yourself in that position. I hope your DH will support you. Good luck!

jlaOK · October 2012

Honestly, some people are just horrible about keeping secrets or respecting people when they ask not to tell. My dad blabbed about DS when we specifically asked he and my mom not to tell. The result, we aren't telling them until we are out of 1st tri. My IL's know and I don't feel bad about it.

TLiggy · October 2012

Don't tell them. You are not required to be "fair" to them. This is YOUR news!!! But if you absolutely must tell them, ASSERT YOURSELF. There are some people in this world who just don't respond to normal conversation and require a special form of more aggressive communication. Be firm. Tell them you would not like them to share your news until you're in the safe zone. Make it very clear that you're serious, and have your husband be clear with them as well. If they still don't keep it quiet, you have every right to not share a darn thing with them again, and a clear message from them that they have absolutely no respect for you. Personally, my husband is the oldest of a small family from a small town. He's extremely popular (used to host a TV show there!) and his family knows the entire town. My in-laws are sweet people and I love them, but I know better than to tell them until month three, and my husband thankfully agrees. Neither of us want to walk into a grocery store in his hometown and have to tell twenty different people that we've had a miscarriage. Best of luck to you.

lioness13 · October 2012

Just wanted to add that when I was pregnant the first time, I asked my mom not to tell anyone and she immediately texted my dad (they are divorced) and asked him "do you know about March 5th". I wanted to kill her! She never apologized, just said, "I didn't tell him! I just asked if he knew about March 5th". Now I am waiting to tell them both together because they will both be visiting me soon.

Britt8058 · October 2012

You should talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. I'm sure be will understand your reservations about telling her with the history you have with her.
I don't think it's unfair at all to not tell them when your parents already know. It was completely unfair of them to share with everyone whatever horrible thing happened to you. IMO, that negates any right they have to any of your personal information.

Wish82 · October 2012

I agree with a lot of what PPs have said. One thing to add: it might not be air for your parents to know and his to not, but it's not fair to have your secret told earlier than you like. You have to choose which is more fair and more important to you.

GraceInCA · October 2012

It's your news to tell, and "fair" is not a consideration. Don't tell them until you're ready for the world to know. Also, do not attempt to manage the situation. This is your husband's job since it is his parents. If they get upset that they didn't find out at the same time as your parents, it is his responsibility to tell them, "You guys can't be trusted with private information, as we've learned from past experience." Just do your best to stay out of it. Don't let them sucker you into a confrontation. Dodge, ditch, avoid. They'll give up and move on to their next victim.

TicaAngel00 · October 2012

Britt8058:
You should talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. I'm sure be will understand your reservations about telling her with the history you have with her. I don't think it's unfair at all to not tell them when your parents already know. It was completely unfair of them to share with everyone whatever horrible thing happened to you. IMO, that negates any right they have to any of your personal information.

What she said!

jmcgra06 · October 2012

My MIL's father passed away, so we told her about the BFP at 4 weeks - a day after I took the test! - to cheer her up. We asked her not to tell anyone because we hadn't even told my parents yet.

Well, at the funeral, everyone came up and started touching my hips which I thought was really weird. Then finally a third cousin came out and said "Congratulations on your pregnancy!!" I was so upset and embarrassed, because I haven't even been to the doctor or called my mom! She also lied and said she only told a friend who must have spread it, but the rest of the cousins said they heard it directly from her. I think sometimes people just get caught up in the excitement and don't realize who they can hurt...

I still want to say something to her because it really betrayed my trust, but I'm not sure it's worth the confrontation...

provencalks · November 2012

I cann't thank you all enough for the advice, I truly appreciate it!

Sadly, my husband is an only child... I think even if I do sit him down and tell him how difficult it would be for me to tell them so early, he would still want to tell them. I was so, so hurt by them in the past, and technically still in the present, and this just goes above everything else that has happened as more important. They have friends that bad mouth me, and it wouldn't surprise me if they do it as well, but I'm trying to not think that way...

I will sit my husband down and explain how hard it is for me to want to tell them when I know they won't be able to keep it quiet and how stressed I will be afterwards thinking about it... I don't need that happening, especially so early...

Thanks to you all!!

MIL advice...

Re: MIL advice...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards