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Blended Families
CFjo2010
member
Maybe I'm wrong for not wanting to fight.
CFjo2010
member
This morning when I took my daughter to school, we stopped by K?s classroom so my daughter could ask about volunteering during lunch. K wasn?t there yet (which I knew) and the teacher asked if I could stay and talk for a moment. How is it that even as an adult, having a teacher ask to "talk" still gets me nervous? I sent my daughter on her way and stayed. Turns out the teacher has serious concerns about K?s frequent tardiness and absences. According to the teacher K is late to school nearly every day, except for Fridays (which is when my husband and/or I take the girls to school). She said she already spoke to BM and I told her that my husband would be volunteering on Friday and she could discuss with him in more detail.
I?m not surprised, not even a little. Gma?s house is on my way to the freeway and every morning I see what time BM is leaving to take K to school, which is about 5 minutes before school starts and it?s a 10-15 minute drive. There are several mornings when I don?t pass BM at all, which means they?re leaving even later. The other moms have made comments to me about it when I?m dropping off my daughter or picking the girls up. The teacher and other parents have asked me why BM doesn?t just have me bring K to school since it?s on my way, and I know a few of them have said it to BM as well. The whole situation is frustrating.
I don?t know that it?s enough to go back to Court with, but now my husband is furious and wants to go back as soon as we get the first report card showing all the tardies and absences. We?ll have that report card within the next month or so, and I really don?t want to deal with the stress and hostility involved with going back to Court. K?s grades/schoolwork isn?t being negatively impacted and I don?t really know what a Judge would say about this. Obviously if K?s grades were a problem or if she was falling behind I would completely be on board with going back to Court. But right now I just feel like, "Eh. Let?s wait it out". I?m due in just a matter of weeks and I?ll have a newborn to be worrying about, and I don?t feel like going back to Court right now is going to accomplish anything other than stress everyone out and cost us thousands of $$ in attorney fees. BM will probably get a slap on the wrist and a warning about the tardies and then we would still have to come back to Court later when she doesn?t comply. I just wish BM would get her act together and get K to school on time so that this wouldn?t be an issue at all.
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Re: Maybe I'm wrong for not wanting to fight.
What would your DH ask for in court? Full custody?
I think so. Or else just have it in the CO that we're responsible for getting K to school each morning, I'm not sure. The tardies/absences are just another line to the growing list of concerns my husband has. K is only in 1st grade so it's not too big of an issue, except that the absences and tardies have significantly increased now that she's no longer in the afternoon kinder class and my husband is wondering how long it's going to go on.
And truthfully, if BM were to ask me to pick up K on my way to take R to school, I would totally do it. My husband has asked me if I would mind and I said it wasn't a problem. He offered it to BM and she verbally gave him the finger.
Edit: to clarify, my husband offered BM a trade of sorts, it wasn't approached as "Hey you suck and can't seem to get our daughter to school on time". It was offered that I would take the girls to school and she would pick them up, that way we're not both driving both ways. This didn't sit well with me since BM is always late picking up K from school on her days (Mondays and Wednesdays), but I was willing to go along with it if she agreed.
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I am jumping in and I dont know the back ground but...even if you were to stop and pick up K on your way, would her mother have her ready on time? I am doubting it would be a simple stop, get K, leave. You'd most likely be waiting.........
I made this exact point to my husband. K would have to be ready when I got there because I am not going to make my own daughter late. I think the source of the tardiness is BM's routine. She's not a morning person and is chronically late for everything. I have a feeling Gma is the one waking up K and getting her ready (based on things K has said to us), but then BM has to get up and take K to school since Gma has 2 kids of her own to get to school. Since we think it's Gma getting K up and ready, it would probably work out for me to swing by and grab K. Who knows though.
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I'll mention this to my husband. I doubt it will work with our BM, but it's definitely worth a shot. BM has been admonished and warned by the Court for several things, but even after she fails to comply she's just issued yet another "warning". But having a letter written is definitely a good start.
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Would you really want to deal with BM every morning? I think I would lose the will to live if I had to do that!!
Also don't put it in writing that you are responsible for getting K to school. If you are sick or away BM will use it against you.
And no I don't blame you for not wanting to fight!!!
What does your school say about tardies? Our school district has a tardy policy where the parents can be fined for the child being excessively tardy.
This may be something where the school can step in and tell her this is what the rules are and you need to follow them. Parents are not allowed to bring children to the classroom after the tardy bell rings, but must check them in through the office. If the school is concerned with the tardies, then there must be a process in place to address them. What if she was from a non-blended family where there wasn't another set of parents to tell? What would they do then?
I really don't think this is your fight. It's terrible that it is happening and your SD is caught in this, but I think this is between BM and the school. You and DH have done everything you can and until BM gets her act together or sees consequences, then no amount of calls from you will change her actions. I know it's terrible to sit and watch it happen, but you can't step in every time BM makes poor decisions.
Now, if you decide to pursue full custody and this pattern continues, despite your suggestions and the school's enforcement, then it can only make your case stronger. However, it isn't strong enough to be the only piece of evidence (which I think it isn't).
No, I do not want to deal with BM every morning. I don't want to deal with her ever, period. But I agree with my husband that being late to school 4 out of 5 days a week is unacceptable. I guess I would really need to think about if getting K to school on time each day is really worth dealing with BM every morning. I know this sounds terrible, but I'm not sure how "worth it" it would really be. I already have to deal with BM Tuesday, Thursday and Friday afternoon as well as the 1st, 3rd and 5th Sundays of the month and it's annoying as all get out. I love K, but I also love what little is left of my sanity....
I get what you're saying about if I can't get K to school it biting us later, we would definitely need to appoint a back-up if necessary. Thankfully I know of at least 3 people who could help with transportation if needed. There would probably have to be some sort of clause regarding notice if I'm sick and can't get her personally. Again, I wish BM would get her act together and start doing a better job of raising K. That little girl deserves better.
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Children have to be checked into the office when they're tardy. The biggest discplinary action I think will be taken is that K will lose her transfer. BM has K on a transfer to go to this school (and then I got a CO to transfer my daughter there so the girls would be together) and one of the ways to lose the transfer is excessive tardies/absences. That's one of our concerns. If K loses the transfer, I'm not willing to transfer my daughter again to keep the girls together. My mindset is that my daughter shouldn't have to keep getting moved around and disrupted just because BM can't get her act together resulting in K losing the transfer.
And you're right, this isn't the only piece of evidence; it's just another building block. Maybe this makes me an evil SM but I think the most damning thing will be for K to lose the transfer, and then have my husband go in for a change of custody. I agree that K shouldn't have to suffer for BM's behavior, but maybe things have to completely unravel before going back to Court. At least then he can say, "Your Honor, this is what has happened since the last time we were here and now it genuinely is to the detriment of K's education" and then pile up all the other building blocks (living situation, sleeping arrangements, etc.).
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What is the school's policy? Can they say she is truant for being late?
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can K take the bus? that way its not on you, and gma can help get her out the door on time without dealing with BM's tardiness?
if SD didn't take the bus to school every morning I have no doubt she would be late. 9 times out of 10 BM rolls out of bed in PJ's still to bring her to the bus
I think this would be smart. Make sure your case against BM is extremely strong. When the progress report comes out showing the excessive number of tardy's, I would have your lawyer send BM a letter. Then, after the next report comes out, I am sure there will be no improvement, and then you can decide if you want to send another letter or file in the court. It wouldn't surprise me if K's grades are suffering as well due to the poor attendance.
Your H needs to talk with the school - NOW - about the issue. See what they are willing to do.
You should be concerned about keeping the children together. Your H should work with the school to make sure the girls stay in the same school.
I would ask them about their truancy policy. I know our school is very strict on absences and tardiness and after only a few incidents of unexcused school absences, they notify a truancy officer. CPS can be involved if the child is missing a lot of school.
I would wait to go to court until the school takes action. Hopefully with your husband's involvement he can prevent your SD from losing her transfer and instead put the heat on BM through CPS or another agency.
My husband talked to the school as well as the teacher this morning. He's been put on notice that K can very well lose her transfer based on the excessive tardies. If the tardies and absences continue, her transfer renewal will be denied (this gets submitted in February I believe). She won't be kicked out of school, she just won't be able to attend in the Fall. I asked him to hold off on any Court stuff until K either loses the transfer or until the end of the school year. I mentioned the suggestion of having the attorney send a letter and he seemed receptive to that. Unfortunately though, there isn't much my husband can do other than wait. We have our days pursuant to the CO to get K to and/or from school and we can't force BM to accept help or allow us to get K to school additional days. So the ball is basically in her court and she needs to be the one to step up and make changes.
If in February BM is notified that K's transfer isn't being renewed due to the excessive tardies/absences, that will still afford my husband enough time to file paperwork with the Court and have an order made that K attend that school on top of whatever custody issue he has addressed. That way, the school district can't revoke the transfer. I know that sounds shady and deceptive, but the school district can't overrule a CO and I really want the girls to stay together and I'm not moving my daughter again.
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