SO doesn't want me to get an epidural... — The Bump
March 2013 Moms

SO doesn't want me to get an epidural...

To all you mother's and soon to be's who have had an unmedicated birth, kudos to you ladies! I however would prefer medication and my SO is not a fan of this idea.  After he found out that it's given through the spine and heard the risks involved he was completely against it.  He wants me go to natural and I feel the complete opposite.  At 3 months I was put on high blood pressure meds and I feel that if given the option to try a vaginal birth that having pain management would make this more possible.  Thoughts? TIA ladies
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Re: SO doesn't want me to get an epidural...

  • I would definitely try to have a med free birth but really, you SO shouldn't have much a say in it when it boils down to it.  - unless he has squeezed a watermelon out of his vagina before.

  • Normally I am all about respecting Dh's wishes.... but this is where I draw the line. You're the one going through the pain so it is 100% your decision what kind of pain relief you want during delivery.

    And I have certaintly heard of cases where women with blood pressure and heart issues are encouraged to have an epidural to try and keep their issues under control.

    Do what YOU want in this situation.

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  • I can understand that he has reservations, but it is ultimately your decision. Maybe you can have him sit down with your OB/midwife and have him/her explain to your SO the process so he can feel more comfortable. 

    You have to do what you feel is best for you to have as stress free of a labor as possible. Good luck!  

  • When your SO is the one giving birth, he can make that decision. I'm sure if he had to push a watermelon thru his peen hole he wouldn't want to feel it. If my DH told me he didn't want me to have an epidural I'd tell him to shut his pie hole and make me a snack.

    In all seriousness,  epidurals are given safely everyday. Do what you are comfortable with. You will find just as much anti-epidural evidence as pro-epidural. My biggest fear in pregnancy/parenthood is how the heck I'm going to get this baby out of me. Everything else I can do. Good luck!

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  • Explain to him that you will try your best to go drug free (and really try). But ultimately if you can't take the pain, you are getting an epidural period.
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  • imageKatK421:

    When your SO is the one giving birth, he can make that decision. I'm sure if he had to push a watermelon thru his peen hole he wouldn't want to feel it. If my DH told me he didn't want me to have an epidural I'd tell him to shut his pie hole and make me a snack.

    In all seriousness,  epidurals are given safely everyday. Do what you are comfortable with. You will find just as much anti-epidural evidence as pro-epidural. My biggest fear in pregnancy/parenthood is how the heck I'm going to get this baby out of me. Everything else I can do. Good luck!

    LOL

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  • imageKatK421:

    When your SO is the one giving birth, he can make that decision. I'm sure if he had to push a watermelon thru his peen hole he wouldn't want to feel it. If my DH told me he didn't want me to have an epidural I'd tell him to shut his pie hole and make me a snack.

    Pretty sure these are the exact words I used to MH!  Then I reminded him of how b!tchy I am when I'm in pain, and that for the sake of our marriage and my criminal record, I was getting an epidural.  As soon as he spouts a vagina, we could re-open the discussion. 

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  • Your husband is ridiculous.  It's your body, and ultimately, your choice whether or not to have an epidural.  Do what's right for you, and don't let his fears affect your decision.  

    Unless he offers to carry and birth the baby, in which case, he can start to call the shots! 

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  • While I agree 100% that it is your body and your choice to make, I would caution you to not dismiss his concerns entirely.  Listen to what he has to say and try to see things from his perspective - even if you don't agree with it.  Sometimes people just want to be heard - know what I mean?  I think that in this whole crazy pregnancy and birth process, Dads feel like they have very little to contribute to things and it seems like it could backfire if you approach this combatively.  At least hear what he has to say and really listen to his concerns and don't dismiss it out of hand.  

    After hearing him out, validate his opinion and let him know that you appreciate his perspective but that in this situation, it really does have to be your choice. Perhaps there are other things he feels strongly about that you can compromise on so he doesn't feel powerless or like his opinion is less important?  It could be a really interesting conversation!

  • imageluvsdogs2:
    imageKatK421:

    When your SO is the one giving birth, he can make that decision. I'm sure if he had to push a watermelon thru his peen hole he wouldn't want to feel it. If my DH told me he didn't want me to have an epidural I'd tell him to shut his pie hole and make me a snack.

    Pretty sure these are the exact words I used to MH!  Then I reminded him of how b!tchy I am when I'm in pain, and that for the sake of our marriage and my criminal record, I was getting an epidural.  As soon as he spouts a vagina, we could re-open the discussion. 

     Both of these. ROFL.

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  • If it's what you want, then you should do it. Tell him to do a pain free birth! lol
  • imagerm2013:
    imageluvsdogs2:
    imageKatK421:

    When your SO is the one giving birth, he can make that decision. I'm sure if he had to push a watermelon thru his peen hole he wouldn't want to feel it. If my DH told me he didn't want me to have an epidural I'd tell him to shut his pie hole and make me a snack.

    Pretty sure these are the exact words I used to MH!  Then I reminded him of how b!tchy I am when I'm in pain, and that for the sake of our marriage and my criminal record, I was getting an epidural.  As soon as he spouts a vagina, we could re-open the discussion. 

     Both of these. ROFL.

    Agreed! I can't stop laughing!

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  • TY for the responses ladies.  His main concern is since it has to do with the spine that the anastesioligist (sp) will slip and there will be paralysis.  I assured him it's performed safely every day and he is still adiment and is concerned about the risks.  He does want me to be comfortable he is just afraid of the potential risks and doesn't see  it as a reasonable trade off.  I have thought about trying to go unmedicated before my SO voiced his fears so I may still try, we'll see. Thanks again everyone.
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  • imagemab87:
    imagerm2013:
    imageluvsdogs2:
    imageKatK421:

    When your SO is the one giving birth, he can make that decision. I'm sure if he had to push a watermelon thru his peen hole he wouldn't want to feel it. If my DH told me he didn't want me to have an epidural I'd tell him to shut his pie hole and make me a snack.

    Pretty sure these are the exact words I used to MH!  Then I reminded him of how b!tchy I am when I'm in pain, and that for the sake of our marriage and my criminal record, I was getting an epidural.  As soon as he spouts a vagina, we could re-open the discussion. 

     Both of these. ROFL.

    Agreed! I can't stop laughing!

    Lol, this is pretty much how I feel. While there are risks, women get epidurals all the time and are fine. This is ultimately your decision.


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  • imageamberdanielle68845:
    TY for the responses ladies.  His main concern is since it has to do with the spine that the anastesioligist (sp) will slip and there will be paralysis.  I assured him it's performed safely every day and he is still adiment and is concerned about the risks.  He does want me to be comfortable he is just afraid of the potential risks and doesn't see  it as a reasonable trade off.  I have thought about trying to go unmedicated before my SO voiced his fears so I may still try, we'll see. Thanks again everyone.

    The percent of people who have had these issues you state is incredibly small.  I think he needs a reality check on the likelihood of that actually happening which is virtually zero.  You could have a med free birth and have some other major problem too, there are simply no guarantees.  You could also end up in a csection... there's simply no way to know.  

    I went med free last time and it was painful.  In fact so much so that I think my husband would prefer that I get an epidural this time because seeing someone you love in that much pain is very very hard to deal with.  I don't know what I am going to do yet, I may do it but we'll just see.  Whatever I do decide to do, it won't be his choice, it will be mine. 

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  • imageamberdanielle68845:
    TY for the responses ladies.  His main concern is since it has to do with the spine that the anastesioligist (sp) will slip and there will be paralysis.  I assured him it's performed safely every day and he is still adiment and is concerned about the risks.  He does want me to be comfortable he is just afraid of the potential risks and doesn't see  it as a reasonable trade off.  I have thought about trying to go unmedicated before my SO voiced his fears so I may still try, we'll see. Thanks again everyone.

    I was shaking like crazy when getting mine. Nerves, shock, emotional high... I was literally shaking and couldn't control it (labor related, NOT fear of the epidural or anything). Even then, the anesthesiologist was able to give me an epidural without any complications. Granted, I had a nurse hugging me to hold me as still as possible, but I was still shaking.

    Are you guys going to a birthing class? They should cover epidurals. Or I agree with others of getting your DH in to talk to the doctor. He can probably answer your husband's questions and ease his concerns better than you could.

    But, like others, I agree that it ultimately comes down to your decision (Though I also agree that you should acknowledge and consider your DH's concerns and thoughts). 

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  • I feel that if someone keeps banging the "what if!?!?!" drum, ridiculous things are going to start happening. You could choke when you eat your food. No more eating. You could crash your car and die. No more driving. You could strain too hard pooping and get a 'roid. No pooping.

    I feel pretty strongly that this is your call to make. Your body. Your pain. Your choice.

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  • It's your choice. Please educate yourself on the benefits of going natural vs the benefits of a medicated birth. Knowledge is power, for both of you.

  • Ultimately the decision is yours. I'm def gonna give my best shot at a med free birth, my decision not DHs, however if I change my mind so be it.

     

    You should ask him to speak with a man that has passed a kidney stone and ask him if he wished he could've had an epidural for the process!

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  • Your SO's concerns are extremely valid.  I would suggest you also do some research on alternative methods of pain management, like hypnobirthing.  Try it and you may not need meds.  That being said, this is 100% your choice.  It is your body and your birthing experience.  I imagine he's coming from a caring place wanting the very best for both you and the baby, but this decision should be yours.  
  • imagemacilittle:
    Your SO's concerns are extremely valid.  I would suggest you also do some research on alternative methods of pain management, like hypnobirthing.  Try it and you may not need meds.  That being said, this is 100% your choice.  It is your body and your birthing experience.  I imagine he's coming from a caring place wanting the very best for both you and the baby, but this decision should be yours.  

    This.  Word for word.

    An epidural is actually a fairly major medical procedures.  IMO, people don't research the procedure and risks as much as they should prior to birth.

    In the end it's your opinion, but I think it's wonderful that he's researching and giving solid and heartfelt advice.

    Neither route is wrong.  Go with your heart/gut.

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  • I would try to have a natural birth. And I disagree with pp's comments about it isn't his decision. Maybe he isn't giving birth, but this is still his child and you are still his wife. So listen to why he is against it and discuss all the options with him. If you do want a medicated birth, perhaps have your OB talk to him and give him all of the pros. 
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    In all seriousness, I would tell him that you understand where his concerns are but the idea of a painful birth puts you in a lot of stress and you stressed out is just as likely to cause complications. While this child is both of yours, the birth is where you are completely alone in the physical experience and these decisions should be yours. This really is completely your body, your choice.

  • imageSarahRae85:

    imageamberdanielle68845:
    TY for the responses ladies.  His main concern is since it has to do with the spine that the anastesioligist (sp) will slip and there will be paralysis.  I assured him it's performed safely every day and he is still adiment and is concerned about the risks.  He does want me to be comfortable he is just afraid of the potential risks and doesn't see  it as a reasonable trade off.  I have thought about trying to go unmedicated before my SO voiced his fears so I may still try, we'll see. Thanks again everyone.

    I was shaking like crazy when getting mine. Nerves, shock, emotional high... I was literally shaking and couldn't control it (labor related, NOT fear of the epidural or anything). Even then, the anesthesiologist was able to give me an epidural without any complications. Granted, I had a nurse hugging me to hold me as still as possible, but I was still shaking.

    Are you guys going to a birthing class? They should cover epidurals. Or I agree with others of getting your DH in to talk to the doctor. He can probably answer your husband's questions and ease his concerns better than you could.

    But, like others, I agree that it ultimately comes down to your decision (Though I also agree that you should acknowledge and consider your DH's concerns and thoughts). 

    All of this word for word. BTW, my nurse said that the reason for the uncontrollable shaking is the IV meds mixed with your adrenaline/nerves.

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  • I feel as though this is your decision. There are a gazillion risks for everything.... It doesn't mean those things usually happen.

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  • Ok, what of you need a c section? Thennnnn can you have an epidural??? Jezus.
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  • I agree with previous posters. Your body, your choice in how you deal with childbirth.
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  • It is ultimately your choice. I would listen to his side of it. Talk with your doctor. There are risks with everything but that doesn't mean that the benefits aren't there. DH wanted me to get an epidural after he saw how much pain I was in (and I might have left some finger nauil marks on his hand).
  • imageCloudBee:

    imagemacilittle:
    Your SO's concerns are extremely valid.  I would suggest you also do some research on alternative methods of pain management, like hypnobirthing.  Try it and you may not need meds.  That being said, this is 100% your choice.  It is your body and your birthing experience.  I imagine he's coming from a caring place wanting the very best for both you and the baby, but this decision should be yours.  

    This.  Word for word.

    An epidural is actually a fairly major medical procedures.  IMO, people don't research the procedure and risks as much as they should prior to birth.

    In the end it's your opinion, but I think it's wonderful that he's researching and giving solid and heartfelt advice.

    Neither route is wrong.  Go with your heart/gut.

    This completely- I think people assume getting an epidural is akin in risk level to getting an IV or something it really has a lot more risk associated with it. My SIL is a L&D nurse so I do hear often about issues that women have with epidurals (I've also had a handful of friends who have had epidurals and have said they strongly regret it after experiencing spinal headaches, uneven numbness, etc.) Even if the epi "works" its fairly common to have it only work on 1 side or not completely which can actually make things MORE complicated when it comes to feeling and knowing how to push. I think you should do what you feel comfortable with but I would also discuss with your DH what his concerns are and do your own research on the topic. FWIW I have had 2 babies unmedicated (including 1 induction) and it is not the horrific pain if you prepare for how to manage it- not saying its a breeze seeing that it is LABOR after all (hard work!) Also comparing it to how high of a pain tolerance you have is very difficult (not saying anyone is doing this) but its a completely different kind of pain than pain assoc. with an injury or accident or something- I dunno, just consider the different options.  

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  • imagewittyschaffy:

    While I agree 100% that it is your body and your choice to make, I would caution you to not dismiss his concerns entirely.  Listen to what he has to say and try to see things from his perspective - even if you don't agree with it.  Sometimes people just want to be heard - know what I mean?  I think that in this whole crazy pregnancy and birth process, Dads feel like they have very little to contribute to things and it seems like it could backfire if you approach this combatively.  At least hear what he has to say and really listen to his concerns and don't dismiss it out of hand.  

    After hearing him out, validate his opinion and let him know that you appreciate his perspective but that in this situation, it really does have to be your choice. Perhaps there are other things he feels strongly about that you can compromise on so he doesn't feel powerless or like his opinion is less important?  It could be a really interesting conversation!


    I agree entirely. You don't want him to feel like his opinion is unimportant. I think it is really important to allow the father to be involved and even if you feel like you need the epidural allowing him to voice his opinion and share how he feels will open up some great discussion and allow him to feel validated, whether or not you agree.
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  • If you can do it, more power to you- I wanted to but wasn't dilating due to scar tissue that had to be busted open so I had an epidural to allow progress. It isn't always a black and white decision. My DH didn't have an opinion, it was whatever I wanted however once I had the epidural he had a chance to eat, use the restroom and take a quick nap that he wouldn't have otherwise gotten. 

    My MIL on the other hand is a different story, if I have to hear about how she went natural with both boys, one being two weeks late, both with big heads and one ripped her front to back but she managed through the pain I will SCREAM! I'm glad it worked for her but don't demean my birth experience because I had an epidural.

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