Upset about upcoming shower...

artroyer · October 2012

My shower is 11/11. I knew that there would be some people who wouldn't be able to make it because they were going out of town for the long weekend. Unfortunately it seems like A LOT can't make it. I'm pretty bummed about it, because obviously I invited them because they're important to me and I wanted to celebrate with them.

Anyways, there is one friend who I am actually mad at about not coming. She is one of my closest friends and never told me herself that she wasn't coming. She called my mom with her No rsvp, but didn't tell my mom why (everyone else gave a reason). I didn't think too much of it until another good friend told me that this girl wasn't coming but wouldn't give her a reason as to why either. So tonight I texted the friend just innocently asking if she was coming. She responded "I can't." I wrote back and said that's too bad and i wish she could be there. Then she finally told me her excuse.

Apparently the weekend after my shower her and her bf are in a parade, and they need her to play the jingle bells. Apparently she needs to practice during the time of my shower. I didn't even know how to respond... It sounds so freaking rediculous and I'm so upset. Am I over-reacting or does this really sound DUMB? What would you do?

GraceyandTroy · October 2012

Sorry, that stinks. Yes, I agree that the excuse she told you is dumb. But, I also think it sounds fake. If I were you, I would leave it alone. She obviously doesn't want to go and doesn't want to talk about why. So, you have to just let it lie.

Btw, is you by chance having any infertility or ttc issues? I know that when I was going through that, it was really hard for me to go to baby related parties, but I also didn't always way to talk about it. It's just a random thought.

I hope you won't let it ruin your friendship with her. You already told her you are disappointed and that you wished she could make it. There isn't much else you can do.

FreyaWin2382 · October 2012

GraceyandTroy:
Sorry, that stinks. Yes, I agree that the excuse she told you is dumb. But, I also think it sounds fake. If I were you, I would leave it alone. She obviously doesn't want to go and doesn't want to talk about why. So, you have to just let it lie.
Btw, is you by chance having any infertility or ttc issues? I know that when I was going through that, it was really hard for me to go to baby related parties, but I also didn't always way to talk about it. It's just a random thought.
I hope you won't let it ruin your friendship with her. You already told her you are disappointed and that you wished she could make it. There isn't much else you can do.

I agree with all of this. The bottom line is that, whatever validity the reason has to you or not, your friend is not coming. I would shrug it off and let it go....truly, a baby shower is not worth ruining a friendship over.

tdoyen · October 2012

You're not crazy, but you shoudl try to re-frame the way you are thinking about it so you can have a good time and not be miserable. I have told a few people that it is more important to me that they come and spend time with me and the baby after he arrives than at my shower. Before I got pregnant, I really wasn't all that interested in showers and was happy to give a gift and spend time with them later. She just may not get this whole thing OR she may be avoiding it due to fertility issues like someone else suggested. Brush it off. Even if there are only 5 or 8 people there, they will be there for you and the little one celebrating you and making you feel loved. Think happy thoughts about the ones who will be there versus the ones who can't make it. I am sure it will be great!

artroyer · October 2012

Thanks ladies. No fertility issues getting married next year and waiting to try until then and she just went to another friend's shower 2 weeks ago. Ever since she started dating this guy it's been all about him. I'm super bummed that she's being so lame, but Iwwon't let it ruin my shower... there are a lot of people coming to celebrate : I won't let it ruin our friendship, but I will probably avoid her until I get over it...

nbalkin · October 2012

We are in very similar situations. My close friend said she probably won't make it because her family is in town and its her teenage nephews bday and her family is doing something for him that day, even though he will be in town for at least 3 days and she could celebrate with him amd still come to my shower.
And to make matters worse, DH's family is angry at him over something petty and his mom and both sisters have refused to come to the shower.
As another friend told me, those who love you will be there and you just can't let it get you down!!

dlbrous · October 2012

I would try not to worry about it or let it get you down. It stinks but it's not the end of the world. I think it's good that she RSVP'ed and she did so pretty far ahead of time for that matter. That's polite of her and she really doesn't owe anyone an excuse. This is a busy time of year and people are going to have lots of obligations. Just my two cents.

goofyteacher · October 2012

While I think it stinks when people that you want to be there can't come, I don't think it's your decision on what is valid or not valid. Honestly, I don't think they owe you any kind of reasoning at to why they can't make it.

artroyer · October 2012

goofyteacher:
While I think it stinks when people that you want to be there can't come, I don't think it's your decision on what is valid or not valid.nbsp; Honestly, I don't think they owe you any kind of reasoning at to why they can't make it.

Like I said, I knew some people wouldn't be able to make it. I think I'm just taking it personally with her because I thought we were closer. I wouldn't miss her bridal shower for anything in the spring. Her commitment doesn't start until an hour and a half after my shower starts, so I guess if I were in that situation, I would try to make it for a little while. I'm just hurt, not trying to dictate validity.

Alexandra0223 · October 2012

goofyteacher:
While I think it stinks when people that you want to be there can't come, I don't think it's your decision on what is valid or not valid. Honestly, I don't think they owe you any kind of reasoning at to why they can't make it.

This.

SPK926 · October 2012

It's a shower. Honestly just let it go. Going to a baby shower isn't everyone's idea of fun and she honestly has something else going on. It's not your place to decide her schedule and if she can fit everything in in one day. She can't come, she told your mom that well in advance and that's all it is. Just let it go and don't hold a grudge or make it into anything more than it is.

Also, for future reference when someone is RSVPing and can't attend etiquette says no reason is needed to be given. She wasn't rude in the least not giving a reason. She was, on the other hand, very polite for actually RSVPing ahead of time.

nycitygirl1 · October 2012

The excuse she gave does sound really dumb and I know it's hard not to take it personally, but realize that baby showers are not for everyone. I tend not to be a big fan of them in general (which is also why I'm not having one) because I find them kind of boring and painful. I always send a gift though even if I don't attend.

If she doesn't have kids herself, this is probably the case -- I wouldn't take it as a commentary on your friendship but baby showers might not be her cup of tea. She probably also doesn't realize how important this event is to you and thinks lots of other people will be there.

TofuMama7 · October 2012

GraceyandTroy:

Sorry, that stinks. Yes, I agree that the excuse she told you is dumb. But, I also think it sounds fake. If I were you, I would leave it alone. She obviously doesn't want to go and doesn't want to talk about why. So, you have to just let it lie.

Btw, is you by chance having any infertility or ttc issues? I know that when I was going through that, it was really hard for me to go to baby related parties, but I also didn't always way to talk about it. It's just a random thought.

I hope you won't let it ruin your friendship with her. You already told her you are disappointed and that you wished she could make it. There isn't much else you can do.

This is exactly what I was thinking. While I never struggled with IF, one of my best friends did and while she was totally fine with baby-related things, her husband (who we're also close to) couldn't be around me when I was pregnant with my son because it was too upsetting for him so there was always some excuse why my friend would come without him (she told me the real reason).

ETA: I just read your response that she doesn't have IF problems, I'd say she probably just doesn't like baby showers. It stinks, but you're going to have to let it go.

brianabrad · November 2012

I'm sorry she is flaking out on you like that. I can also understand your hurt feelings about friends and family not attending the shower. My shower is 11/10 and I'm having the same concern about people coming. Right now, even some of my immediate family isn't planning to make the trip. I'm trying to rationalize that everyone is busy and its not personal but it feels kind of personal when its your shower and you wanted them there. Try to not worry and just enjoy your day.

clariknittist · November 2012

Try not to hold it against her...I don't mean this in a mean way, but it's easy to forget your shower isn't as important to other people as it is to you. It can feel really personal when people don't come for what seem like silly reasons, but try not to take it that way...and you will probably be so busy anyway, it will be hard to visit with everyone who is there enough as it is.

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