In serious need of advice

leller00 · October 2012

Hello ladies! I am new here and I need some advice. So seven months ago I moved from my hometown where I have lived my entire life, to a small town almost 200 miles away. My fiance and I decided to move for a job (for him) that did not work out. I have not been able to make one single friend since we got here and the loneliness has become soul crushing. My fiance works 10 hours a day and is on call the rest of the time. I have an 11 year old son but he is with his dad for now except on weekends because we did not want to uproot him from school and wanted to get settled into our new lives, only to find out the schools here are terrible and this town is nothing more than a place to retire, truck stop on the way to Vegas, and meth junkie haven. I have tried to make new friends. I looked for clubs to join and other activities to join but the demographic is about 20-30 years my senior. I have tried other things as well including posting an add on craigslist only to be hit up by people looking for sex (no thanks). The other problem is that we are BARLEY making our bills and can't afford to go out and do things at all. My friends at home are not helpful either, move back they say, but we can't afford it no matter how much we would like to do just that. I tried to get a job here thinking that would help but I got pregnant right when we moved here and as soon as a prospective employer saw my growing belly I was shot down for one ridiculous reason or another, although prior to this pregnancy I have never been turned down for a job in my life. Although I have had children and nursed before I have signed up for every educational class the hospital out here offers, hoping to meet other moms but to my disappointment they were all girls of about 15-17. I'm not picky about who I make friends with but at 30 I just don't have a lot in common with a 15 year old girl. That's pretty much it. I don't know what to do anymore but sitting in this house all alone day after day is wearing on me and I am beginning to feel hopeless and increasingly depressed...

akating · October 2012

Try meetup.com. You can even start a group on there for moms 20-40. I met a lot of great ladies in Canada that way and we would get together once a week or once a month to chat and hang out (coffee shops etc). You need to get out of your comfort zone though and invite people over or out to do something. Make something up if you need to like "the dr says I need to walk more want to join me at the mall?" that might help you get closer to the girls at the hospital. Anyway I hope meetup.com works for you.

sekura · October 2012

How about doing some volunteer work? If the demographic is old, maybe at a nursing home? Sure, they won't be your age group, but you could still make friends, and it would at least get you out of the house.

StarrSquared · October 2012

I could have written this post. My daughter is 18 months though and not in school but still. My best friend moved to washington state a little over a year ago and she was the only friend i had in town. Everyone else, is either 30+ years my senior or has a stick so far up their ass i cant stand them. im only 22 but i too cannot relate to a young lady who is 15 and pregnant like so many of them here are. I have no advice, all i have is sympathy from where i am and a hug. *hug*

ReeceFamily · October 2012

I don't have any brilliant suggestions, just wanted to sympathize. Moving as an adult is really, really tough, especially if you are moving to a smaller town with more limited social opportunities. I moved around a lot in my 30s, and my observation is that it can take up to 2 years to meet people that you consider actual friends (versus just coworkers or acquaintences/neighbors). In the meanwhile, you do have to deal with loneliness. I guess I'd say try to remember that you aren't lonely because of anything you've done. You're trying...but you're limited by your circumstances, and there's only so much you can do. And... this is easier said than done (easier for introverts like me who love to read and do solitary things)...but try to embrace your solitude, and frame it as solitude rather than loneliness. It's something that gets easier over time, and it's a great life skill to have. Is there some activity or hobby you've always wanted to learn? Can you work on a fabulous garden, or start a dog-walking business? Learn to meditate? Take up long-distance running?

The friends will come in time...but it won't happen overnight. And they may be very different friendship than you've had in the past, so just be open to whatever comes along (one of my good friends in my previous city ended up being a male lawyer in his 50s, we took guitar lessons together...and I was a single working gal in my 30s!). Hang in there, and don't lose sight of who you are...you're still fabulous with fewer friends .

leller00 · October 2012

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you wonderful ladies, the advice and thoughts are sincerely appreciated!!! I took it all in and put it to use

. I actually found a small group of moms here in town on meetup.com, am trying to plan a get together with DF's married co worker, and am looking into some short term volunteer work. Looking at my situation in a different light and knowing there are others that have been/are in my shoes helps me to feel less alone as well. Thanks again!

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