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Blended Families
Phantomgirl
member
Jobalchak
Phantomgirl
member
My husband and I had my daughter write letters to family members asking them to contribute to her FL trip in lieu of Christmas gifts.
My jaw hit the floor when I read this.
Gifts are just that -gifts! They should never be 'expected'.
I'm shocked.
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Re: Jobalchak
My SD did that to every one (though for her it was to go towards her new car). She even said something along the lines of "using what I usually get for Christmas and my birthday as a guidline, I should make enough for the downpayment".
She was SHOCKED when, instead of the $25 to $75 dollar gifts she usually got, she only got $5-$10 OR in my parents' and grandmother's case', nothing (that was also because she had never once thanked them - either by letter, phone call or email - for any gifts she had recieved from them.
DH and I said NOTHING to anyone but her and her BM (only because BM called us to explain that it was HER idea). Even BM's family were offended and did not "contribute" to the car fund.
Which is what DH and I were trying to explain to her.
I think it would depend on the delivery. In Llumine's SD's case, that would be horribly offensive.
However, if the child wrote about how hard they had been working with their team to qualify for this great trip and said that they don't expect anything for a present, but if anyone wanted to know what they wanted the most in the world, it was to help go on this trip, I wouldn't be offended. It's the same as writing a Christmas list. It's a suggestion, not a demand. Of course, the child would also have to have a good record of appreciating gifts and thanking people.
(a mostly lurker with some time on her hands today)
This (gift giving/receiving behavior) comes up a lot on the wedding and pregnancy boards, considering showers are thrown. I agree that the purist would say what Jobal's DD did breached all rules of etiquette. However, I do think in some families, this is OK. In my family, this would be much appreciated, and perfectly fine, and no one's jaw would hit the ground.
I agree that I would not give someone the advice to do this in their family since you can't assume another family would view this well, but I can't say what Jobal did within her microcosm is wrong.
I do agree with PP that asking for $ for a trip you had to work hard for (vs a car payment), and making sure that the kid properly thanked everyone, esp. in this case, is key. To me, the thanking everyone is a rule of etiquette that should never be breached in any case. I just think the assumptions of gifts can vary from family to family. I took what Jobal had to say as: this is what we did, and it worked for us. I think it's up to the OP to know how to apply that information their own family.
I would be relieved to contribute to something a child worked hard for versus wasting money on a toy.
Now note I say child...in the case me ruined by Illumine I think any child old enough/responsible enough to drive needs to take that fundraising up with their parents
Phantom I'm sorry you're so offended by my daughter writing letters asking for help with her trip, but that was actually a suggestion that was given to me on this board back in July/August when I mentioned DC not contributing at all. And no one in the family was offended as you seem to be. In fact, everyone contributed significantly more than what they would have spent on Christmas gifts because they knew how hard she worked to earn the spot to FL. All the gifts went into an account and she handwrote Thank You cards to each and every person who contributed, as well as to the business we got to help sponsor.
I'm sorry that this seems deplorable to you, but our family generally pulls together when someone needs help with something, and we do it without judgement. We can't all meet up to your high standards apparently.
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I guess not.
I think doing this is totally fine. I know that I personally would rather give a gift that I know someone wants/needs. I am always that person that asks people what they want for birthdays or Christmas and I always buy off a registry. Now I would probably be caught off guard if someone that I normally do not give a gift to send me a letter and I'd probably think WTF...
My DD was saving up her money to buy a new Mac laptop and for her birthday and Christmas when asked what she wanted, she said money to put towards it. No one seemed to mind and she ended up saving close to $1,000 to put towards it..
I would rather give a gift that someone wants also. There are several people that I will ask for suggestions and gratefully receive the replies.
However if I received an unsolicited letter requesting a gift , my gift would come in the form of a valuable life lesson. No one owes you anything!
I'm shocked that anyone thought it was appropriate to call someone out on this particular decision in it's own separate post.
Unless you received a letter from Jo's daughter asking you for money, why do you care?
Well I'm sorry that you would treat your family this way. It must be lonely up there on your high horse Phantom.
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Because clearly the self-righteous don't necessarily have class.
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This! I would be happy to help a member of my family member who needed something if I could.
And I'm afraid you seem to be breaking your own rules of etiquette here.
full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
married since 2011
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HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
Bloodwork: normal
2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
New RE appt 8/14/12
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10/20/12 graduated!!!
EDD 6/7/12
Team PINK!!
Well Wendi it seems I missed a lot during the summer.
It appears I missed the boat on when this was a post worthy topic, originally posted by Jobal.
AND I missed the memo about who I can call out and who I can't call out on a PUBLIC NOTICE BOARD.
I find it offensive and it is not something I would teach a child to do so I stated my opinion.
If you disagree, disagree, it wouldn't be the first time I've been in the minority and probably won't be the last.
But name calling - really Jobal???
I don't believe there was any name calling in this thread. I didn't see a single "b*tch" "c*nt" or "poopyhead." If you're counting "self-righteous" as name calling, I think you should take a bump break. I'm not saying that to be snarky. I just agree with PP that this call-out seems pretty out of character for you.
I don't see anything wrong with asking for money for a trip in lieu of presents.
Family members usually approach DH and I and ask what the kids want or need for Christmas. If one of them was wanting to go on a trip and needing money, that's what we would tell them.
Kali if I asked what they would like and they told me - no problem.
My issue is in teaching a child that it is OK to ask for gifts. I feel strongly that it is not OK. I feel that it instils a sense of entitlement in a child.
I totally get that I am in the minority. In fact my DH agrees with everyone else. He reminded me that we contributed to his nephews trip during the summer.
However, his nephew (15) called and asked if we needed any odd jobs done as he was saving to go away to camp. We had him stay for two night and he worked with DH and got paid for the work.
Again I accept that I am in the minority who most certaibly would not do this.
Maybe its a cultural thing because I also would never have a baby shower nor did I have a wedding registry.
Wow. Just wow. Really?
Phantom, there was no name-calling. I found your post to be incredibly self-righteous and I said so. I found your need to start an entirely new thread regarding this issue as opposed to addressing it in the post it originated in or by sending me a PM to be lacking in class and I said so. I really expected more from you, but apparently I hold you to a higher standard than you hold yourself. And I'm not the only one in this thread that has questioned the necessity of your "call-out".
In regards to the bolded: I apologize but I didn't realize we all needed your approval on what is "post worthy" and what is not. As you yourself stated, this is a public board and we all have posted several different things some BF related and some not. I don't recall anyone ever telling a member of this board that their post was "unworthy" and/or calling them out on it and we have had some doozies in the year+ that I've been here.
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You seem a little all over the place here Jobal.
Your first paragraph implies that I should not have posted about this. In fact if I have an opinion I shoud send a PM.
Your second paragraph states that anyone can post about any thing they want.
Which is it?
You also misread the bolded. I am saying if it was post worthy during the summer why is it not post worthy now? Did I miss the boat?
I would agree that this can be the case.
However, I never mentioned etiquette nor was I rude to anyone.
Again I will reiterate, I do not agree with having a child write a letter to people requesting gifts because I think it instils a sense of entitlement in a child. I believe that gifts are gifts and should not be 'expected'.
You started a thread to call Jobalchak out and you don`t think that is rude?
I accept that Jobal sees it as an attack. Also I accept now that it is in a sense an attack because after all it calls her parenting into question, which on one likes.
Had I been party to the original thread I would have been in the 'hell no' camp. At the time I started this I was not aware there had been a discussion on it previously. Not that it makes a difference.
BUT calling someone out on something you don't agree with is not rude. It is a fact of life on message boards. You post it and its open game.
As the old saying goes - its not all puppies and rainbows!
You are right, you do have a right to disagree but we also have a right to call you out on the fact that you`re rude.
You're the first poster to say I have any rights here so I'll take that
Lol
The individual call out aside, I will weigh in, in support of Phantom (which I would have stated in the summer post).
There is a HUGE difference between having a family member call the parents to see what the child wants (ie going off the list the child has already made for mom and dad) and soliciting others without request.
Christmas and Birthdays ARE different from Weddings and the subsequent showers. Just like fundraisers are different, though in different ways.
A gift is a gift is a gift. Merrimam-Webster- "something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation"
Any time you preemptively tell someone what you want/need, it no longer becomes voluntary. There are strings to be had, there is guilt to felt, and there could be lasting feelings of being strong-armed into giving something that the gift-giver does not approve of/want to give.
I am an amazing gift giver on a budget, due to purchasing things way in advance and thinking/making things outside of the box. were my niece to write me in November and tell me that instead of giving her a "gift", could I give her money, I would feel horrible because:
A) I may already have something
And I would feel horrid having to decide between those things ALL BECAUSE you allowed your child to put pressure on MY gift decisions.
This is why the parents WAIT until the family contacts them. Or at the very least, the parents can provide weak hints (still makes my skin crawl).
BTW - this is why you are not supposed to put gift registries in the invitations. Miss Manners and even The Knot is very clear on that, you wait till people ask you for your links.