Reason for Adopting

Blsd4given · October 2012

"Adoption shouldn't be about a person's desire to be a parent."

I've seen this stated several times now... And I'm not sure that I understand.

My desire to be a parent is what motivates me to want to adopt. If I didn't want to be a parent, I wouldn't TTC or adopt. I want to raise a child in a Christ-centered house and to give them a good life. I'm not adopting to fulfill some vision of an ideal child and family. The route I'm taking to adoption blows that ideal out of the water anyway - waiting children from foster care. Kids from foster care have a lot of trauma in their past... And I want to help make that better.

I didn't grow up around adoption or fostering... or with a built-in desire to save the parentless children... or always knowing that I would adopt someday. My exposure to adoption prior to my pursuit of it is non-existant.

Am I going to adopt any child even if they don't fit with our family? Of course not. Obviously the best interest of the child and our family is what matters.

I'm envious at times of those that just always knew they would adopt. But that just wasn't me. Does that make my pursuit of adoption less worthy and somehow tainted? Does that mean I shouldn't adopt? Why does that make me somehow a lesser person and potential parent? I don't see why it does....

Maybe I just don't understand the intent behind the statement...??

Please understand... I'm not trying to be combative at all. And if this post came off that way, please accept my sincerest apologies.

smithpaint · October 2012

I am not sure who you feel is judging you. I may have missed a previous post. Sorry that you feel that way. I think there are many reasons that people choose to adopt. Some have always known they would adopt. Others adopt because of infertility. We all have different reasons. I don't think there is anything wrong with your reasons whatsoever, and I'm sorry if there are people that do.

Allie-Jo · October 2012

I hadn't ever heard that...hmm.

When we started this process, our agency made it very clear that people have MANY reasons for wanting to adopt, some similar to others, but some are entirely their own. Whatever the reasons that compell you to adopt, you need to be honest about that, and work through them.

For me, we have dealt with IF for 3 years now. We were told IF is a very common reason to adopt, but that you have to get it through your head that ADOPTION WONT FIX IF, and the depression that IF causes is still something you have to deal with. I will still always have to deal with the disappointment of not being able to build my family with the same ease as other people (and someday my own children might have), and I can't expect adoption to fix that. But my desire to be a parent is what got me to the point of wanting to deal with the fact that IF is going to be a part of me and that I just have to build my family other ways.

To me, the desire to be a parent should be one of the biggest reasons to adopt. If you are adopting to fix IF or make yourself feel like a good person for "adopting a needy child" you could be in for a rude awakening.

julandjo · October 2012

Blsd4given:
"Adoption shouldn't be about a person's desire to be a parent."

Uh, what? Where did you read this quote? On the surface it looks ridiculous, because that's exactly what adoption SHOULD be about (from the adoptive parents' side). IMO it should never be about wanting to "save" a child - the savior complex is not a healthy parenting role! But looking at that quote from another perspective, it might mean something more like this: adoption isn't about finding a child for a family, it's about finding a family for a child. Adoption should always be approached from the perspective of what is best for the child. That comes first, and what is best for the birth family and the adoptive family is secondary to that.

raecheleblue1 · October 2012

I think the decision to adopt is a very personal one and one that people come to from a variety of reasons, none of which should be judged by anyone who hasn't walked in their shoes.

Blsd4given · October 2012

julandjo:
Blsd4given:
"Adoption shouldn't be about a person's desire to be a parent."
Uh, what? Where did you read this quote? On the surface it looks ridiculous, because that's exactly what adoption SHOULD be about (from the adoptive parents' side). IMO it should never be about wanting to "save" a child - the savior complex is not a healthy parenting role! But looking at that quote from another perspective, it might mean something more like this: adoption isn't about finding a child for a family, it's about finding a family for a child. Adoption should always be approached from the perspective of what is best for the child. That comes first, and what is best for the birth family and the adoptive family is secondary to that.

It wasn't a direct quote from anyone. Just my summing of how I interpret similar comments. But I think you're right. I just misunderstood what the comments try to convey.

Blsd4given · October 2012

smithpaint:
I am not sure who you feel is judging you. I may have missed a previous post. Sorry that you feel that way.

Noone is judging me specifically, as far as I know. Although, the comment makes me feel a little judged to some degree. My journey to adoption is a direct result of an inability to conceive - and a desire to be a parent.

Allie-Jo:
For me, we have dealt with IF for 3 years now. We were told IF is a very common reason to adopt, but that you have to get it through your head that ADOPTION WONT FIX IF, and the depression that IF causes is still something you have to deal with. I will still always have to deal with the disappointment of not being able to build my family with the same ease as other people (and someday my own children might have), and I can't expect adoption to fix that. But my desire to be a parent is what got me to the point of wanting to deal with the fact that IF is going to be a part of me and that I just have to build my family other ways.

To me, the desire to be a parent should be one of the biggest reasons to adopt. If you are adopting to fix IF or make yourself feel like a good person for "adopting a needy child" you could be in for a rude awakening.

I agree with this completely.

Spooko:
OP, if you're referring to the post I'm thinking of, I think you misconstrued what was said. In the closed adoption post, there was this:

toothpastechica:

I do hope that in every adoption the priority is the child...and that adopting is not JUST to fulfill a parents need to be a parent (although I realize that is part of it, and thats not bad).

That's the only thing even similar to this that I can think of that's come up recently.

That is the post that prompted my question. But I've heard similar statements before. I think I just misunderstood what the comments were trying to convey. I think julandjo's interpretation was more likely correct.

DaisyZH · October 2012

That's an interesting quote, in some books I've read (I can't for the life of me keep them straight anymore as to what came from which book) they caution that your desire to adopt should be motivated by your desire to parent, because as a PP said it is very unhealthy to come to adoption to "save" a child.

I think we all have different reasons and paths to adoption, some people know from when they are very young and some people come to it after IF or seeing/reading something about adoption or any other number of reasons.

I'm not familiar with the thread that is being referenced, I'll have to check it out but OP I love your description of why you want to adopt and the type of parent/home you want to be. I think you will be an amazing parent.

Junebride007 · October 2012

There is a quote in our foster application that says fostering or adoption doesn't heal infertility it does however heal childlessness. I HATE that my house is quiet. I hate that I have empty beds and empty rooms. There are children out there in my community that need beds and love. I want to be that family for that child or children. However, I will always have PCOS until they find a cure.

Foster1Mom · October 2012

It always seems like they think people with IF are so sad and broken and adoption will fix all of that. I really do not think this is true. We have IF but honestly I never mourned not having bio kids. I really do not feel a loss or this drive that a family has to be built from blood. We only did 1 fertility treatment because it just was not important that our family was built bio.

I do not think adoption will cure people from the IF pain. I am sure it lessens it for some but if you are one that HAS to carry a baby and give birth adoption is not going to take that away.

Now that we are FP people keep telling us "go make a baby" My eyes bug out of my head. The LAST thing I want to be pregnant. I am too old for that mess...LOL Not really but that is how I feel and the desire is just not there to carry a baby.

silliestbunny · October 2012

I know this idea is ciculated in the Christian orphan movement. The idea they want to convey is Christians are called to take care of widows and orphans.... so it is something that God has asked Christians to do.

I don't necessarily think it's the best campaign to serve children but that's debatable.

CaptainSerious · October 2012

I have heard adoption professionals say that the purpose of adoption should not be to find children for parents but instead to find families/homes for parentless children.

It sounds like a subtle difference, or even an argument of semantics, at first, but I think it's an important distinction, especially in terms of international adoption. What it means is that the number one priority of placing officials/social workers must be to find families that are best suited to the children in care, and to match them appropriately. This came into play a lot when we were adopting, as the Peruvian authorities felt that American families were less able to provide the types of environment they wanted to see "their children" raised in than than many of the other international families approved. It didn't matter how long a family was approved, how open they were, or anything else about how perfectly suited a specific family was, all that mattered is that the Peruvian authorities felt that it was better for the children to be placed with a family that might be more culturally similar to Peruvians. The idea is that the people making matches should place all their emphasis on finding the perfect family/home for the children who need families rather than finding children/expectant mothers for people wishing to parent

This is also important in the world of international adoptions to ensure that it's about the children in care, and not about finding babies/children to supply the multitude of prospective parents wishing to adopt. The minute it turns into the second, you start to run the risk of child trafficking.

mommytoconnor · November 2012

Shame on those who posted that. That is precisely the reason to adopt. We adoptive parents aren't trying to save the world, we want to be parents. That's what adoption is. I mean come on people. If not, I would like to know what adoption should be about. I think most of us adoptive parents here would feel a little irritated by that statement.

mommytoconnor · November 2012

Shame on those who posted that. That is precisely the reason to adopt. We adoptive parents aren't trying to save the world, we want to be parents. That's what adoption is. I mean come on people. If not, I would like to know what adoption should be about. I think most of us adoptive parents here would feel a little irritated by that statement.

hoopduck · November 2012

I hope you all don't mind me posting here, I find myself lurking here quite a bit as an adoptee. My parents adopted my brother and I because our Mother had ovarian cancer and no longer had the ability to have children biologically. They wanted us very badly, and that love and understanding in their hearts helped carry us through to adulthood. Don't let anyone dictate to you why you should/shouldn't adopt, if you are willing to love that child unconditionally than that's all that should matter. *hugs*

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