1st grader - dealing with bad language and private parts
dpdw
member
I'm dealing with 2 unrelated issues with my 1st grade son.
1) He learned the f-word in school in KINDERGARTEN from a classmate. Over the past 6 months we've been trying to explain that is is never acceptable to say and we've made some progress, but I'm wondering if anyone else has had success in explaining WHY certain words (or this particular word) are so bad. My only response to "Why" has been "It just is". Also, what would you think is an appropriate response from the classroom teacher if she hears it or sees it written by a 1st grade student.
2) DS is just not getting that his private parts are private and I don't know of any other way to explain it, other than "these are your private parts and no one else should see them." Can anyone recommend an age-appropriate book that might explain WHY he needs to keep them private? We haven't discussed the birds and the bees yet.
Thanks
Re: 1st grader - dealing with bad language and private parts
1) For any words that DS says that is offensive, I tell him other people don't want to hear it and it can hurt other people's feelings. I tell him it's not nice and not allowed and I don't ever want to hear you say it or get a report that you've said it. So far, that has worked for us. He has not come across any swear words, but I plan to use the same approach.
2) We tell our kids their privates are private and other people don't want to see them. I find by telling him what other people want/don't want helps more than what he 'should' do or not do. We have also gone over touching with DS. He knows that body parts covered by his bathing suit are not to be viewed by other people.
Hope you find something that helps!
First of all, I think the two things are totally related. They're related because they both involve experimentation with "naughty" words and behaviors -- and these things are really exciting to kids this age. Little boys use toilet talk and bad words to show off for each other. The "naughtier" the word, and the more you make a big deal of it, the more powerful and tempting it is for them.
I think you're handling this in a counter-productive way, because you are making these things seem even more forbidden and naughty than they already are. And you're looking at this as though some other "bad" kindergartner introduced your kid to this. Trust me, they ALL find out about bad words and language; it's what they do with it that matters. Your kid is no better or worse than the kid who introduced him to it.
My son and his buddies went through a "bad words and nasty talk" phase when they were in first grade. Not so much the F word, but calling each other "fart face" and "poopy breath" and similar stuff. When this kind of nasty talk spilled over into our home, I didn't try to say "don't ever say those words." I can't enforce that. Instead, I said, "I don't like that kind of talk in my home. You can talk that way with your friends in private if you want to. But that talk is not for home and not for school, got it?"
And I think you can deal with the private parts thing without ever crossing a line into the birds and the bees. Experimenting with showing these parts is already being fueled by the fact that they have a fascinating connection to sex that kids this age are just starting to become aware of. So giving a non-answer or explaining their explicit connection to sex will fuel his enthusiasm for this "naughty" activity. What you want to emphasize is their connection to pee and poop. Those parts are private for the same reason there's a door on the bathroom -- because no one wants to see or smell another person's pee and poop or be reminded of their pee and poop by seeing the parts that make them.
Be consistent and firm, but keep it oriented on manners and what's appropriate for polite conversation. That way you don't add more fuel to the fire. I had to have this conversation with my son more than once, but his friends' fascination with toilet talk gradually cooled off. Do they still call each other fart-face in private? Probably. Do they have the self-control at age 8 to keep it on the down-low? Yes, because none of the moms are hearing it now.
As for the teacher's reaction, I'm sure the school has a game plan for dealing with this problem. Let the teacher handle it at school, and reinforce at home as necessary.
All excellent advice! Thanks so much.