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Blended Families
Halloween
So this is my first official post but I've been "lurking" for a little while. Backstory... I just got married in August to a man with a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship. He had 50/50 the whole time we were dating/engaged but was granted full custody the week we were married because BM has very serious "issues." This was a hard adjustment for everyone involved and it was a LOT of change in one week. Went from having honeymoon newlywed life to full time SM. SD is in a much better environment with us, to say the least, so we are thankful we know she is safe. Now, obviously I have stepped into a motherly role. DH doesn't know how to do hair, buy girls outfits, etc. So I do the best I can to fulfill those needs but at the same time not replacing her actual mother which is very tough. Well, now I am 10 weeks pregnant and we are over the moon excited. BM is off her rocker though and on her weekly "supervised" visits, bad mouths me to SD constantly telling her that I am mean and not her mommy. This confuses SD and she asks me why mommy says I'm mean. Very sad. Well, we announced our pregnancy on Facebook on Sunday and I of course included SD. This sent BM over the edge and she verbally harassed me all day on Sunday calling me horrible, horrible names and telling me I was "disgusting for exploiting her daughter on Facebook." I was simply just trying to make her feel included as she is a major part of our family and will be my baby's big sister. Now it's Tuesday and Halloween is tomorrow. DH is feeling pressured into letting BM be involved trickortreating and also wants me to be there as well. I'm not sure what I should do as I don't feel like I should be subjecting myself to such stress so early in my pregnancy and don't want to be involved with such a crazy person who has such nasty things to say to me. Help!! I hope I can be accepted here as I feel alone with this stuff often.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Halloween
As for her bad mouthing you, if these are supervised visits this should not be allowed. Your h needs to make that clear with whoever is supervising. And he needs to support the development of a relationship with your SD. Her having another positive female role model in her life, one she can depend on and trust is invaluable and it doesn't mean you are replacing her mother. She is still a baby basically, and in the big picture you are lucky to be in her life so early. She won't really know any different. The relationship between you two really need to be strong before baby gets here. She is too young to fully understand that she isn't being replaced by a new baby and the poor kid has been through a lot already.
FB recently adjusted privacy settings so that many things are "public" again, and you have to go back in on your own and change it (two things I know for certain are profile pictures and any status updates from your phone or tablet or photos uploaded from your phone or tablet.) If you don't want BM seeing anything on your FB, make sure your settings are secure so everything is "friends" only, and check to make sure all your FB friends are people you actually know, and if they know BM make sure it's someone who wouldn't share things with her. You can go as far as to block BM and her family, and make yourself "unsearchable" in FB.
I see no issue with putting SD in the announcement photo. We announced on FB with a video of DS saying he would be a big brother.
It sounds like BM is upset that she went from 50/50 custody to supervised visits. She probably thought she could continue to get away with whatever she was doing, and this change obviously upsets her. It is good that you say you want to respect her role as SD's mother. Obviously, you will be playing a vital role in her life, but make sure DH is calling most of the shots, not you. It's one thing to pick out her clothes and do her hair, but let DH teach her things and decide important things for her.
In regards to BM bad-mouthing you during visits, just make sure you reinforce before and after the visits that you love her very much. Why is BM feeling the need to say you're not her mom? Are you having her call you mommy? If so, I understand why BM is upset. You're NOT her mom, and you shouldn't be having SD call you that. It is one thing if SD starts doing it on her own with NO encouragement from you or DH, but I'm guessing this is not the case. If you aren't having SD call you "Mommy" or "Mommy first-name," then disregard that. When SD comes home from a visit with BM and says to you "BM says that you're mean," you can respond "Do you think I'm mean," and SD will hopefully respond "No," and then you can simply say "I don't think so either. I love you and don't want to be mean to you. I like doing fun things with you and spending time with you."
For Halloween, if it's DH's time with SD and the new CO doesn't outline anything about including BM, then I wouldn't. At this point I wouldn't be doing join activities if BM cannot be amicable for the sake of SD.
Personally I think you need to stop worrying about others and start worrying about yourself.
Do what feels right for you. If you are not comfortable with Halloween then don't go. Stay home and take care of yourself and your baby (congrats!).
Let BM run her mouth all she wants. If you act in a kind and loving way to your SD she will see right through BMs bs. BM is essentially only hurting her relationship with her daughter.
Let DH step up and take on as much responsibility as he can. He needs to be the strong consistent parent in his DDs life. Support him, while loving your SD, and taking care of yourself and be a good female role model to SD.
If you dive in and take over you will burn out, as we woman have a tendancy to do!
Remember SM does not equal Martyr.
As a 'long term' SM I would say that if I could do it over again I would let DH be the parent and deal with BM. I would look after me and in turn not 'burn out'.
Good luck and welcome to the board.
Sit this one out and let them go. No use in upsetting yourself. Let dh have a separate conversation with Bm about how he expects her to treat you going forward and how you plan to show each other mutual respect as coparents.
Good luck with it all, sorry Bm is being a jackss
Block BM and her family members on FB. You don't need her creeping on your life that way.
DH needs to let BM and her mother know that if SD continues to come home telling him that her mother says you're mean then he's going to pursue a different supervisor for these visits.
Frankly, I don't understand why your DH is putting you in this position. If he wants his daughter to see her mom on Halloween then I totally agree with stopping at Grandma's house first, seeing Mom, taking pictures, and then coming back to pick you up and continuing your evening sans super-antagonistic BM.
Hi Julianna! I can see that it's hard to know how to respond to the BM when things get so twisted around. Being a step-parent can be quite a challenge. For some good advice, I'd encourage you to read through articles about Smart Stepparenting https://bit.ly/HHdZRy which I came across in my time with Focus on the Family. There's also an organization that might be helpful called Smart Stepfamiles https://www.smartstepfamilies.com/ that will be helpful as you navigate these challenges.
If you choose to go trick-or-treating together, I pray things go smoothly. Grace and peace to you.