Nay Sayers...

kbates85 · October 2012

Maybe it's just my friends and family but I'm so tired of all the negativity people about attempting a natural birth. I have not told anyone other then my parents and my husband's parents about our birth plans which is at birth center with a midwife. Most everyone believes that I'm still under the care of an OB and will deliver at a hospital. I have found that if I even mention that I don't plan on getting an epidural I have literally been laughed at. My friend actually laughed out loud. My little sister (who's 22 and has been pregnant) said "you'll never be able to do that". She then proceeded to tell me that my baby was "going to be huge and rip my vagina" (yes I realize that can happen). Even people I hardly know, if I say one word about going med-free they tell me I'm crazy, laugh, ect. I haven't even told these people that I don't plan on delivering at a hospital.

I realize that I'm a FTM and sometimes things don't go as planned and there's always a chance I won't get the birth that I'm hoping for. I just don't understand why people think it's OK to say these things to a pregnant women. I have never and would never tell any of my friends they're "crazy" for have a hospital birth with an epi.

Is it really crazy for me to think I can do this as a FTM???

Sorry for the rant. Just had to get that off my chest because I don't have anyone to really talk to about in IRL other them my mom. Thank you for letting me.

alanap · October 2012

I can relate. Many of my family members and friends were naysayers when I was pregnant with DD. I was happy to prove them wrong. Which I did!

And you will too! Of course you can do it as a FTM. Our bodies are made to do it and there is a ton of proof that it is doable from all of the other ladies on this board.

silkyhorse · October 2012

You can definitely prove them wrong - and you will be so proud to bring that baby boy into the world in such a healthy, natural way!

vintagejjane · October 2012

I had quite a few people be negative to the point where when someone would ask where I was delivering I'd just reply with, "Oh, in town!" After I finally had my home birth, I'm not going to lie, it felt great to actually say, "Oh yeah, I went natural. It wasn't that bad. I loved my birth at home!" It gets hard listening to negative comments, especially when you get really close to the end!

daniellelea1985 · October 2012

I've been getting nay sayers too and I just reply to them.... My twin sister went natural TWICE and she's SUCH a wimp. If she can do it... I got this!

plus her 3rd was breech and had to have a c/s at the hospital...worst experience ever. Took her much much longer to recover and heal.

That tends to shut them up.

jadestpierre · October 2012

I get the exact same thing. I think my mantra during labor will be, "I will prove them all wrong." People mean well. They don't even realize how negative they are being, they are just afraid of anything different from the mainstream. It's just sad that the mainstream is so unnatural. Hospitals and interventions are there for the small percentage of women who actually need them, but even normal, healthy women are subjected to unnecessary medical intervention sometimes causing more harm than good. When people ask me about how I plan to birth, I just politely say, "I'd rather not talk about it." Even when you say, "I don't want to hear any horror stories." They reply with how horrible their birth was.

nosoup4u · October 2012

You're not crazy to plan for a med-free birth! Just ignore the comments and don't bring up your plans unless you know someone is supportive. Good luck, you'll be fine!

shibby00 · October 2012

Don't listen to them. What other advice is there?

JohnaDouglas · October 2012

I'm going through the same thing. I've had people laugh at me and tell me I'm crazy about ten different ways. It just makes me want a natural birth more. I'm a FTM and going to a birth center too, I just don't tell people anymore just so I don't have to worry about punching them. You can definitely do it, just don't listen to them.

MrsJelly · October 2012

Hi,

I am a FTM too, and plan a med-free birth...although I am delivering in a hospital (just due to the rural area I live in). Lots of random people just laugh at me when I say I plan a med-free birth and the "oh you say that now! Just wait until you have a 9 pound baby ripping you in half" comments begin! *oh gee thanks that's helpful!*

However, I am lucky that I have lots of support in my med-free wishes, my DH is very on board with the health benefits to baby, my SIL had 4 med-free midwife & home deliveries, my sister had 6 babies and only 1 needed meds due to complications and my mother had all 5 of us naturally! I also have many close friends who are all natural mamma's as well! My point? -- YOU CAN DO IT! --

It's a mind set. If you mentally prepare, and don't have visions of rainbows and lollipops & are realistic about the fact that it is going to be painful and mentally focus you can totally do it!! Of course there are factors that can make medication or intervention necessary and there is nothing wrong with that. But I just keep telling myself this: I am a woman. I was made for this. My body can do way more than myself or others give it credit for!

Surround yourself with the positive people - as for the nay sayers I started just giving them all the facts on the benefits of going med free for the baby and nursing and all that and it seems to stop the negative comments.

You can do it! So can I

runrinserepeat · October 2012

You're not crazy to think you can do it. Plenty of FTMs go natural. I did. Try not to let them bother you.

annabelle.27 · October 2012

In their defence, I think in our society where a truly natural birth is virtually unknown to the public, where most women accept that you go to the hospital and be hooked up to machines and lie in bed on your back and get the meds when they come around and are poorly supported by an unknown OB who shows up in your room in surgical garb at the last minute just to catch your baby, they weren't prepared for the pain and didn't know how to cope. I think from their point of view, they are trying to warn you about the pain so you will be prepared. I think, from their point of view, they are being helpful by providing you with an idea of what to expect so you aren't blindsided, and not just trying to be negative or share horror stories. In their shoes, they probably couldn't do it medfree, as that is largely something that has been erased from our experience as women. I can't help but think that most people think we are delusional, planning to go through it med-free when we don't have to, with no idea of what they experienced.

That being said, of course you can do it medfree. Despite what you are surrounded by, more women do it medfree than do it with drugs- they just aren't all in urban and suburban America. If you factor in all the mothers in the history of the world, the medicated births would just be a drop in the bucket. Your body can do this. You just need support, education about natural pain relieving techniques that work with your body to make it easier, and determination. Don't lie on your back in bed. Get up and move around. Make sure your support person knows how to help you. Work with your midwives so that you are in a comfortable place emotionally and physically.

At the end of the day, it really all comes down to your mindset. With my first baby, it was painful, sure, but it never got unbearable until it was decided I needed a csection after a couple hours of pushing. The time between making that decision and actually getting the csection was hell, and the only thing that changed from one contraction to the next is that I knew I was getting a csection and so the pain I was going through was pointless. It was horrible after that, and I imagine if your birth plan was to get an epidural, every contraction before that epidural would feel that way. When you have an "I can do this and I am working with my body" mindset, it really is much more tolerable.

Sometimes we need a lot of support to stay in that mindset though. As another example of positive mindset and support, I have said many times my entire second labour was hell. I had a two hour labour, and we weren't expecting things to be that fast. I had no support in labour, as my husband was packing our son up to go to grandma's pretty much the entire time I was in pre-pushing labour. I was in transition, alone, with no understanding of why it was so painful right with the first contractions because I had no idea I was minutes away from pushing. I think if our midwife could have been there immediately and told me how far along I was and my husband could have supported me emotionally through that it would have been better, but as I was I could not maintain the "I can do this" mindset alone. But I still did it, it just sucked.

phew, that was longer than I intended. Bottom line: you can do it. Doing it with emotional support and education on how to work with your body will make it much more bearable. Good luck!

3GirlsMama · October 2012

Stand your ground! We are made to do this! Don't worry what they think, and don't allow anyone to be part of your birth experience who doesn't fully support your decision. It's amazing the lack of education about natural birth in our society, I'm running into it with my OB! At my last appt I asked about the hospital facilities, if there would at least be a shower or tub to labor in, and he had to stop to think about it! He said he couldn't remember the last time someone used it in labor...no wonder he's all for epidurals! It's OK, though, I know I can do this, and so can you!

Mrandies35865 · October 2012

It's not just you. I work at a hospital around many other medical professionals and they have all point blank told me that a natural labor isn't gonna happen. In fact, I had an anesthesiologist tell me that i even though i am planning natural labor in the hospital that I should still be touching my toes every day "to make his job easier when he gives the epidural". It's upsetting to feel like everyone is rooting against me for something that SHOULD be the expected normal circumstances. This doctor then decided to tell me how it's so unlikely that anyone actually follow through with natural labor and that the epidural is actually "safer" for the baby because the baby gets more oxygen...

Why would an epidural be safer for my baby and for me when my body was designed to do this naturally with NO medication?

The other thing that kinda gets to me is that everyone tells me to "keep an open mind" and that I "won't feel that way during labor", as if I need to be talked down from crazy, wacky, unrealistic expectations! Yes, I am aware that during labor anything could happen, and things may not go as I am hoping, but for people to treat me like I am unreasonable and unknowing is actually fairly insulting to me. My mother had three all natural births. Why would we expect that our bodies "can't handle" natural labor, when just a generation ago it was the only option?

aylafsu88 · October 2012

You can do it! Giving birth is a natural thing and women did not always have pain medication. Our society has made women believe that it is impossible to give birth naturally and that the pain is unbearable. It is not. Many women have natural births and if you are prepared, the pain is not to bad. I got a lot of negative comments from family and friends when I told them I wanted a natural birth. Honestly, those comments made me even more determined to go natural, and I did. I love telling all of those negative people that I went natural and I will for our next as well. Turn those negative comments into more motivation to go natural!

clariknittist · October 2012

I totally identify with your frustration, OP - I am so sick of the outright derisive laughter you get from people, male or female. I am intentionally not very forthcoming about my opinions on it and try to keep the topic neutral, saying things like "I'm hoping to go natural, we'll see what happens." When really inside, I want to scream "Don't tell me what I can and cannot handle!!!" the second they react with some comment like "Just wait, you'll be begging for the epidural." In our natural birth class last weekend, the teacher said many kinds of pain are bad, but this is pain with a purpose. I feel like that distinction alone is going to make all the difference for me, since I already feel like I will do anything under the sun for my baby.

jinnymb · October 2012

People did this to me with my first and I let it get in my head. I remember as I was getting the epi with DS1 that I was thinking well no one else does it why should I bother. Then of course came the pitocin, etc.. and I was so mad that I gave in. I still had a great birth experience but I knew I could have done it.

I would stop sharing period. You know you can do it, people have done it since the human race began of course. With DS2 I would only talk about it with women who had done it or were in full support. That would be my advice.

For some reason with pregnancy and mothering everyone has an opinion. It seriously must be the most interesting aspect of life, because everyone loves to find a pregnant woman and talk to her about any and everything about giving birth, lol. I try to stop myself from doing it too!! At least I know to compliment a pregnant woman and wish her a quick and easy delivery and keep my opinion on her choices to myself!!

thetwistedwillow · October 2012

I'm super stoked that you're going this route as a FTM! So many of us are put through the birth ringer for the first birth or two (or three!) before we realize there HAS to be a better way, a different way. Why on earth would natural birth be harder on a FTM than a seasoned mom?

You can do this! If you know someone is going to be negative avoid them and don't talk about the birth. They officially lost the privilege of being "in the know" with your birth plans.

Surround yourself with positivity. Forget the naysayers. You were created to do this and you can do it. You're not crazy. I don't care if you're a FTM or a mom who is pregnant with her tenth. YOU CAN DO IT!

mattdk06 · October 2012

A lot of my friends have scoffed at my idea of a natural birth. The last 4 people I know who have done an epidural have ended up with emergency C's. Coincidence? Luckily, I have support from my immediate family and two close friends, who can serve as virtual doulas.

I found it much easier to arm myself with knowledge when pro-epi friends. I'm hoping to use their objections as motivation.

RMama2012 · October 2012

Ignore them! I gave vague answers about my plans because I didn't want to get into an argument with anyone about something I didn't have experience with.

I did it drug free as a first time mom in a hospital with an over 90% Epi rate. I will gladly do it again.

I didn't take classes, I didn't listen to music, I didn't dim the lights, I had no written birth plan. I just went into labor, breathed through my contractions without fighting them, and pushed out my baby. It was perfect.

StefandTodd · October 2012

You definitely CAN do it. And if for some reason, you choose in the moment not to, or you need something else medically, so?...you will do what is best for you and your baby. That's really all you need to tell people. I said a lot of "we'll see how it goes, but that's what I'm hoping for." And then I had a fantastic med-free birth. It's no one's business. Just don't listen to them, ignore them.

buttaflly227 · October 2012

I can TOTALLY relate! I'm not only getting that b.s but also b.s about not being able to cloth diaper and breastfeed. It just makes me mad because there are certain things I VALUE and everyone thinks I'll cop out on my plans just because that's what they would do because they have different values. Do I attack them for drugging themselves to deal with pain that women have withstood for thousands of years? No. Do I know that yes, maybe I WILL need to take that medicine which I resent? Yes but not without a fight lol.

I'm just realizing that the parenting community is not all that nice.

ridesbuttons · October 2012

Use it to fuel your fire.

[Deleted User] · October 2012

buttaflly227:
I can TOTALLY relate! I'm not only getting that b.s but also b.s about not being able to cloth diaper and breastfeed. It just makes me mad because there are certain things I VALUE and everyone thinks I'll cop out on my plans just because that's what they would do because they have different values. Do I attack them for drugging themselves to deal with pain that women have withstood for thousands of years? No. Do I know that yes, maybe I WILL need to take that medicine which I resent? Yes but not without a fight lol.
I'm just realizing that the parenting community is not all that nice.

Well, someone's slow on the uptake.

Also, OMG, get over it already! No one is judging you for your parenting choices (psst, you aren't a parent yet by the way). People are getting pissed because you are a judgmental asss who is going around saying that those who don't CD, EBF, and SAH don't have "values". Because, y'know, we're all "feminists"... Hmm

[Deleted User] · October 2012

justAphase:
MrsNorry:
buttaflly227:
I can TOTALLY relate! I'm not only getting that b.s but also b.s about not being able to cloth diaper and breastfeed. It just makes me mad because there are certain things I VALUE and everyone thinks I'll cop out on my plans just because that's what they would do because they have different values. Do I attack them for drugging themselves to deal with pain that women have withstood for thousands of years? No. Do I know that yes, maybe I WILL need to take that medicine which I resent? Yes but not without a fight lol.
I'm just realizing that the parenting community is not all that nice.
Well, someone's slow on the uptake.
Also, OMG, get over it already! No one is judging you for your parenting choices (psst, you aren't a parent yet by the way). People are getting pissed because you are a judgmental asss who is going around saying that those who don't CD, EBF, and SAH don't have "values". Because, y'know, we're all "feminists"...

Feminists are immoral, rude, working bishes. Not to mention, terrible mothers.
You can find them on the Parenting board.
ETA: in case anyone was wondering, obvs MsNorry, being a bra burning feminist youself, you already knew that

Well obviously I'm going to hell because I'm going back to work in December. And my kid is wearing Pampers right now. She's screwed!

Andrewsgal · October 2012

buttaflly227:
I can TOTALLY relate! I'm not only getting that b.s but also b.s about not being able to cloth diaper and breastfeed. It just makes me mad because there are certain things I VALUE and everyone thinks I'll cop out on my plans just because that's what they would do because they have different values. Do I attack them for drugging themselves to deal with pain that women have withstood for thousands of years? No. Do I know that yes, maybe I WILL need to take that medicine which I resent? Yes but not without a fight lol.
I'm just realizing that the parenting community is not all that nice.

Cding and bfing are not values they are parenting choices. You are getting flamed for telling other people who already have children that what they are doing is wrong.

[Deleted User] · October 2012

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Kitiara5512 · October 2012

AW sweetie ::pats head::

::farts, turns and walks away::

Mrs E in Oregon · November 2012

My favorite is, "There's no awards for going without drug." Like Im' a martyr for wanting to do the best I can to be as natural and present in the moment as I can be. If you deliver without an epi you are less likely to tear, need an episiotomy, and you definately won't be 1 in 5 who have horrible back pain because of the epi itself. You also are less likely to need forceps or that plunger thingy.

I was afraid of the backlash but I've actually talked to several people that couldn't talk about their homebirth like they wish they could or their waterbirth. I also have been surprised by my mother in law. When I first told her 3 years ago we intended to find a MW and do homebirths she balked. When we told her we were pregnant and actually had a midwife already she was very quite and didn't say anything. Now that my sister in law has had her baby she thinks she knows it all allover again but she's too tired to converse about my pregnancy.

aintmeamanatee · November 2012

I ran into the same thing during our first pregnancy. People would snicker, or tell me not to get my hopes up because they do not want me to be disappointed. We went to Hypnobirthing classes and the natural birthing community is extremely supportive. It is NOT crazy to think you can do this! I went natural in the hospital with my first. The nurse told me that she could "witness" childbirth like this more often. I was so proud.

I agree that you would never turn your nose at someone who plans on an epi, so why do we get such a hard time? I guess that natural childbirth is something that you really have to want, and for those that do not want natural childbirth its just not easy to understand.

Congrats and good luck natural birthing FTM!

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