Intimacy after m/c

2redtulips · October 2012

I had my d&c Friday, and docs have said no intercourse for two weeks. (Is it the same after a natural m/c??)

Anyway, DH is pushing for intimacy in other ways, and I am struggling with it. I am just sad, and it's hard to work up the energy for sexy time. I know it's important for us to stay connected as a couple, but I am having a hard time trying to figure out what to do. Or even what I need from DH.

Are any of you going through this challenge as well? Any advice?

nbcarlson · October 2012

I totally agree with Ramy.

My husband mentioned things a few times but we hadn't had sex in quite a while because I was so tired when I was pregnant and then I had the natural m/c and was bleeding for about a week. My dr. didn't tell us to wait he just said to use condoms. I think men just aren't affected in the same ways women are about things like this. I know when we first had sex I was sad after because I just related it to be pregnant and my m/c, but I know my DH wasn't thinking like that.

2redtulips · October 2012

I sent him an e-mail and told him how I was feeling, and said I hope we can talk more about this later.

Don't get me wrong - he has been wonderful and supportive. I do think, though, that men just process loss differently. I don't think he realized just how low and sad I was yesterday. It was all I could do to just survive. So, I made that clear in my e-mail that I am grieving and that I really need to feel safe and loved more than anything right now.

I knew this would be a hard process, and I can see that really honest communication is going to be key.

kmichln · October 2012

Like pp said on here. I think you should just talk with him about it and how you feel. I'm sure he will understand if you tell him you aren't ready right now. It took me a while to be ready after my first d&c. Sex was the furthest thing from my mind, but I don't think men think about it like we do. Just tell him how you feel.

cold0009 · October 2012

2redtulips:

I sent him an e-mail and told him how I was feeling, and said I hope we can talk more about this later.

Don't get me wrong - he has been wonderful and supportive. I do think, though, that men just process loss differently. I don't think he realized just how low and sad I was yesterday. It was all I could do to just survive. So, I made that clear in my e-mail that I am grieving and that I really need to feel safe and loved more than anything right now.

I knew this would be a hard process, and I can see that really honest communication is going to be key.

I am glad that you are being open about your feelings with him. I hope that things work themselves out. I know the pressure on intimacy is just another stress that is added to an already stressful situation.

CaliforniaDream87 · October 2012

After our loss, almost a year ago, it was hard to even think of intimacy. My DH was very sensitive and didn't even try to hold my hand unless I initiated. He understood what I was going through.

I'm sure your DH is supportive as well, but honestly, he needs to be a bit more understanding. If you aren't ready then you just aren't ready. Take those two weeks to rest both physically and emotionally. Good to know you two are going to talk about it. Communication is key!

HUGS
GL to you.

2redtulips · October 2012

For those of you who are further along, has this issue resolved itself?

Having a strong marriage is very important to me. I guess I am looking for reassurance that a m/c doesn't have to mean feeling less connected or close as a couple.

kmichln · October 2012

2redtulips:
For those of you who are further along, has this issue resolved itself?
Having a strong marriage is very important to me. I guess I am looking for reassurance that a m/c doesn't have to mean feeling less connected or close as a couple.

For us this is our second time around the block on m/c. I don't think that it has made us feel disconnected. I know this might sound weird, but I think we are closer. We both are suffering, I just show it more than he does. With this second loss, we both actually got to see an ultrasound of the baby together, granted it was the worst possible one to see because it showed the baby laying there without a heartbeat...but after that before they took me back to do the d&c he broke down and cried in front of me. We've been together 7 years and I've only seen him cry a couple of times, but when he does it is heart wrenching. He rubbed my stomach saying goodbye to our little one. I'll never forget his face. It's almost as haunting as the ultrasound. But in that moment I knew I wasn't alone in how I feel about our child and the loss of it. He holds me when I cry and has been doing a lot of things to let me know he cares too. M/c doesn't have to be something that tears a couple apart. As awful as a m/c is, the way you can assure yourself is that he is suffering too even if it's not the same or to extent that you are. You just have to remember that.

2redtulips · October 2012

kmichln:
As awful as a m/c is, the way you can assure yourself is that he is suffering too even if it's not the same or to extent that you are. You just have to remember that.

Yes, I can do that. He did cry a little when we were driving home from the d&c and he said it was hard to go from so excited to so low that quickly. He's not a cryer, either. So, he is feeling it as well - it's not just me.

He expressed frustration that I asked him for TLC in an e-mail from work - because I am not there for him to respond in a physical way to that request. He said he wanted to hold me until the darkness faded away. I responded that words also help me.

So, I do know that this experience will likely bring us closer together in the long run. I think verbalizing my sadness and admitting to it has been hard for me. Now that I have opened up that line of communication more, I hope that helps.

kmichln · October 2012

2redtulips:
kmichln:
As awful as a m/c is, the way you can assure yourself is that he is suffering too even if it's not the same or to extent that you are. You just have to remember that.
Yes, I can do that. He did cry a little when we were driving home from the d&c and he said it was hard to go from so excited to so low that quickly. He's not a cryer, either. So, he is feeling it as well - it's not just me.
He expressed frustration that I asked him for TLC in an e-mail from work - because I am not there for him to respond in a physical way to that request. He said he wanted to hold me until the darkness faded away. I responded that words also help me.
So, I do know that this experience will likely bring us closer together in the long run. I think verbalizing my sadness and admitting to it has been hard for me. Now that I have opened up that line of communication more, I hope that helps.

Talking about it is hard. It makes it more real and it's painful. When I keep myself preoccupied or busy or surrounded by people, where I don't have time to think I seem ok. Once I'm alone I'm a wreck. I know keeping it in isn't healthy even though it seems easier right now.

I'm glad you were able to open up to him. Writing the words seems to be easier for me than verbally saying how I feel right now. Maybe for a while that might be what you need too until you get to a place where you can talk about it.

When I experienced my first loss earlier this year it helped me to write about it like in a journal. I would write letters to my LO or just record how I felt. It helped me work through my feelings since I'd never experience such grief like that before. It was just something I did for myself that I didn't share with anyone. Maybe that would help you too, just for you or maybe to share with your DH to help better express yourself.

nicnique · October 2012

I am having a hard time with this too. I have not actually m/c yet. But I have no desire to have sex or be touched intimately. I feel bad bc I know it has been quite a while since we have head sex. He has been understanding and has not pushed the issue. Right now, the last thing I want to do is be intimate.
I am glad you were able to communicate your feelings with him.

2redtulips · October 2012

It helps to know I am not the only one who feels this way. Grief is a witch. It has knocked me to my knees in so many ways this week.

I want to remain close with DH, and he did hear me on this. He just held me for awhile this morning, and that was what I needed.

Intimacy after m/c

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