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Am I being a crazy BM?

SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
in Blended Families
XH wants to take the kids to Florida for a week over April break and take them to Disney. His parents have a condo week to exchange and they want to buy the plane tickets for Christmas..... I'll mention that I loath his family, and I'm afraid that may be clouding my judgement here.

We have 50/50 custody with no mention of school breaks in the CO. We are pretty flexible on working with eachothers schedules, but right now I have the kids Sunday after work through Thursday drop off at daycare/school.......

I don't want to let them go. It's a long plane ride from Maine. They will be very far away if something were to happen. They have never been on a plane before, and DD is only 2 years old. She's never been away from me that long or that far.....
Am I being unreasonable?
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Re: Am I being a crazy BM?

  • fellesferiefellesferie member

    You have 50/50, so I think your 2-year-old will be okay. If she was less used to being with her dad, I think your concern would be more understandable.

    I think that it's reasonable to not want them to go. But I think it would be unreasonable to say no for the reasons you've listed. You need to consider what's best for the kids.


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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    And also, I can't technically stop him from going can I? If he decided to only go for the 3 to 4 days that are his parenting time? We have shared rights and responsibilities, and we have to agree on schools, religion, ect. Would that include agreeing on plane trips across the country?.... We have a good relationship and I don't want to rock the boat, but I'm just so uncomfortable with this. DS age 5, and I feel like its fine with him I'm more comfortable, but DD is 2 and I feel like she's too young. I just think of her being scared on the plane and wanting me and I'm not there, or getting sick and I'm so far away. she has ear problems and tubes and I worry her ears will hurt.
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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    imagefellesferie:
    You have 50/50, so I think your 2yearold will be okay. If she was less used to being with her dad, I think your concern would be more understandable.I think that it's reasonable to not want them to go. But I think it would be unreasonable to say no for the reasons you've listed. You need to consider what's best for the kids.
    I do feel like they would have fun. DD loves Mickey Mouse. I have to admit a big part of me just wants to say eff you your family doesn't get to share that special experience with my kids while I'm thousands of miles away. They are awful vindictive people and I hate them being around my babies... Their dad is a good dad though, and I know he deserves to get to do stuff like this with them. I will probably end up agreeing to it. I just hate giving up time and special memories with my kids : He has so much more money than me and his family does too. They can do things w them that I never will be able to do. I love them, and will of course inevitably put them first. I'm just having a mental head fit right now. Divorce sucks balls.
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  • fellesferiefellesferie member

    Honestly? I think there is no good way for you to stop him from going. 

    If he decides to go for his parenting time, then definitely not.

    Look, it's hard. I'm a BM and my XH is long distance. During his parenting time, DS is at least eight hours away. Sometimes he's all the way across the country. I get anxious and sad every time I have to say goodbye. But I hide it because it isn't fair to either DS or XH.

    If your DD gets sick, your XH will care for her. If she needs a doctor, there are great doctors in Orlando (I know--it's where I grew up). I can even recommend one if you want. 

    My DS has tubes and has flown several times. He said his ears didn't hurt at all. I've also flown w/ my DD (when she was 2) and she did great. Loved every minute of it. 

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  • cole2144cole2144 member
    I think you are being unreasonable and if you ever go back to court try explaining how it was in your child`s best interest not go on a trip to Disney with her dad and good luck getting him to agree to you ever taking her. He is her father.
    No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.
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  • lvnlife3184lvnlife3184 member

    I don't know you or your children or your XH, but I'm sure thinking about your children being scared, you will think they will yearn for you but if they're dad is with them they will go to him for comfort. I'm a SM and my DH has his children practically 50/50 and his son who was 2.5 when i came into their lives was just as attached to his daddy as he was with his mommy. And he still is and its been almost 3 years. They have never said they want mommy while with us when something is bothering them. Like the previous poster said, if you have 50/50 custody, they are used to being with their dad when things pop up and are able to rely on him for comfort. And if you have a good relationship with him, i'd try to keep that. We don't have a good realationship with BM in our situation and vacations in their CO are only something that occurs in the summertime when off of school. we havent came across any problems with taking them on a vacation and DH has never had any problems giving the OK to her either. But DH has been very easy going in the past with letting BM take them on mini long weekend vacations during long weekends when they are off school through the rest of the year.

    *Because he knows the kids would want to go. Never thought of himself first before making that decision.*

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  • lvnlife3184lvnlife3184 member

    and you aren't being a crazy BM!! you are having normal thoughts and feelings and if you were crazy, you would be telling him NO automatically and being a crazy about it without any consideration.

    So even though you are having the thoughts, it doens't make you crazy. Only if you act upon them! Wink

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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member
    I think you are being unreasonable especially because you have 50/50. Someone else mentioned not being able to leave the state without permission. I would think those things would need to be in the CO otherwise they do not apply because a parent has a right to travel with their child. Our CO (both mine and DH's) allows all travel except out of the country without the other parent's permission and even then we just have to give 30 days notice. I took my DD and SD to GA (halfway across the country from us) this summer for a week without my DH (as the SM to SD). So I definitely think you are unreasonable because this is the father.
    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    imagelvnlife3184:
    and you aren't being a crazy BM!! you are having normal thoughts and feelings and if you were crazy, you would be telling him NO automatically and being a crazy about it without any consideration.
    So even though you are having the thoughts, it doens't make you crazy. Only if you act upon them! [;]

    Haha, thank you. We haven't even been seperated for a year yet, we just finalized the divorce in March. I was a SAHM for almost four years. I went from having 100 control over their every meal, nap, bedtime, ect., to working full time and giving them up to their dad three days a week. It's such an adjustment, and DD is still so young. It's hard to imagine them being that far away from me for a week. I know I need to adjust and give in on things sometimes, especially if it will benefit the kids, but sometimes it just hurts. I used to be the biggest influence in their life and now we are splitting christmases and school vacations? Ugh, sometimes I just want to stomp my feet and be all "nooooo those are MY babies! You can't have them!"
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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    imagelvnlife3184:
    and you aren't being a crazy BM!! you are having normal thoughts and feelings and if you were crazy, you would be telling him NO automatically and being a crazy about it without any consideration.
    So even though you are having the thoughts, it doens't make you crazy. Only if you act upon them! [;]

    Haha, thank you. We haven't even been seperated for a year yet, we just finalized the divorce in March. I was a SAHM for almost four years. I went from having 100 control over their every meal, nap, bedtime, ect., to working full time and giving them up to their dad three days a week. It's such an adjustment, and DD is still so young. It's hard to imagine them being that far away from me for a week. I know I need to adjust and give in on things sometimes, especially if it will benefit the kids, but sometimes it just hurts. I used to be the biggest influence in their life and now we are splitting christmases and school vacations? Ugh, sometimes I just want to stomp my feet and be all "nooooo those are MY babies! You can't have them!"
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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member

    imageSimpleJane:
    imagefellesferie:
    You have 50/50, so I think your 2yearold will be okay. If she was less used to being with her dad, I think your concern would be more understandable.I think that it's reasonable to not want them to go. But I think it would be unreasonable to say no for the reasons you've listed. You need to consider what's best for the kids.
    I do feel like they would have fun. DD loves Mickey Mouse. I have to admit a big part of me just wants to say eff you your family doesn't get to share that special experience with my kids while I'm thousands of miles away. They are awful vindictive people and I hate them being around my babies... Their dad is a good dad though, and I know he deserves to get to do stuff like this with them. I will probably end up agreeing to it. I just hate giving up time and special memories with my kids : He has so much more money than me and his family does too. They can do things w them that I never will be able to do. I love them, and will of course inevitably put them first. I'm just having a mental head fit right now. Divorce sucks balls.

    I totally get this, but take this for comfort: your two and five year old will NOT remember this trip.  You can take them when they're older and really make those memories.

    You're not wrong for feeling the way you do.  I think you'll make the right choice for your kids.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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  • twister22twister22 member

    imageSimpleJane:
    imagefellesferie:
    You have 50/50, so I think your 2yearold will be okay. If she was less used to being with her dad, I think your concern would be more understandable.I think that it's reasonable to not want them to go. But I think it would be unreasonable to say no for the reasons you've listed. You need to consider what's best for the kids.
    I do feel like they would have fun. DD loves Mickey Mouse. I have to admit a big part of me just wants to say eff you your family doesn't get to share that special experience with my kids while I'm thousands of miles away. They are awful vindictive people and I hate them being around my babies... Their dad is a good dad though, and I know he deserves to get to do stuff like this with them. I will probably end up agreeing to it. I just hate giving up time and special memories with my kids : He has so much more money than me and his family does too. They can do things w them that I never will be able to do. I love them, and will of course inevitably put them first. I'm just having a mental head fit right now. Divorce sucks balls.

    I think you are being unreasonable, and this is coming from another BM.

    And to the bold - you need to get over that, and quickly. So what if BD has more money? Making memories with your kids isn't about how much money you spend, it's about the quality time spent with them. Growing up, I went on nice vacations with my family, but we also did a lot of low-key stuff. Some of my best memories growing up are from things we did at home, or low-cost, local things that we did.

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  • emme022emme022 member
    I agree that your not being crazy because being crazy would be flat out saying no without even considering it. My SO has 50/50 also and I would agree with previous posters that they should be comfortable enough with there dad to be ok being alone with him for that amount of time.

    I think the best thing you can do is try to think about the situation in reverse. If you wanted to take the kids for vacation somewhere for a week and your ex told you that you couldn't how would you feel? That might help you figure things out. Also check ur CO for what it says about taking the kids out of state. My SO's says that either parent is permitted to take the child out of the Commonwealth of Ma and that they need to give the other parent reasonable notice and let them know where they will be/how to reach them
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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    I called him and told him it was fine, with the understanding that I get all of February break, that I be able to talk to the kids at the end of each day, and that we talk to her pedi about the ear issues and any precautions we need to take.... He said that sounds fair.
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  • katie_cjkatie_cj member

    imageSimpleJane:
    I called him and told him it was fine, with the understanding that I get all of February break, that I be able to talk to the kids at the end of each day, and that we talk to her pedi about the ear issues and any precautions we need to take.... He said that sounds fair.

    I'm glad you made the right decision. I'm a BM too and I totally understand. If my ex was to ask the same, my knee jerk reaction would be no way I want DS away from me that long and that far. 

    However, I've learned to think things through rationally instead of emotionally and it makes a big difference.

     

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  • lvnlife3184lvnlife3184 member

    imageSimpleJane:
    I called him and told him it was fine, with the understanding that I get all of February break, that I be able to talk to the kids at the end of each day, and that we talk to her pedi about the ear issues and any precautions we need to take.... He said that sounds fair.

    I do have a suggestion. When you say you want to be able to talk to them at the end of each day, on our last vacation with DH's kids...BM called everyday in the middle of the evening. we'd be out getting ice cream, eating dinner, doing things...well because lets face it, we were on vacation! it was very annoying and bothered the kids at times even. So my suggestion would be to try to set up a time or let the kids call you before bedtime to tell you about their day so you aren't surprising them while they are in the middle of something.

    sounds like your relationship with their dad is fair enough that you both know better though than to try to bother the others during their time.

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