Email vs written letters

emme022 · October 2012

I am typing this on my phone since we lost power so I apologize if it is a little messed up. When my SO and his ex divorced they had agreed to correspond about anything they needed to through email. She even made an email address specifically for that purpose. Now that some issues have come up she is refusing to answer any emails and hands him handwritten letters when he picks up/drops off there daughter. I was just wondering if this would be problematic if he ever needed to show proof of anything in court. Also in one of her letters she claims there daughter always screams and cries when her father picks her up and this is his fault because he is uncivil to BM. This is untrue and he tried to not talk to BM at all in front of LO since BM tends to start yelling at him and etc. He is worried about her claiming this since she lives with her parents so always has someone to "back up" her story whereas he is alone. He was wondering if he should start having someone go with him to drop offs/pick ups. I figured I would ask opinions here. Thanks

twister22 · October 2012

Does the CO say that they NEED to communicate via email, or that it is the "preferred method?" I would have DH send BM and email stating "BM, Recently you have been handing me letters at pick up, but our CO clearly states that email is the method of communication we should be using. Please start following this. Thanks, BD"

I would definitely start having someone go with DH, and maybe even someone who isn't a relative and isn't you, that way they don't have a bias as BM's parents do.

emme022 · October 2012

He had thought communicating through email was in the CO but we have both now looked through it and can't find it in there. I have a feeling that will be one of the things that needs to be added in when they have to go back to revise the CO in 2 years. He has asked both in letters and email that she please start communicating through email since that is what they agreed to. She wrote a letter back saying she has no access to Internet at her home and no access to a car to go to the librara lie she is telling because she does not want to share the driving which is in the CO. In the same letter she then states how she was angry when she woke up the other morning and saw one of his emails. Pick up is at 9am so no idea how she saw the email that morning if she claims to have no email access. She also has a smartphone so it seems she's lying but he can't prove it.

The problem with him having someone come with him for pick up/drop off is that his whole family lives out of state and he doesn't really have someone who can go with him 3 days a week at 9am so I'm kind of the only option.

Ilumine · October 2012

What I would do is scan and email her letters with your responses right on back to her.

Then do summary e-mails with any oral communications.

And always begin your communication with e-mail, then if you HAVE to call her (do not write her letters), then follow up with the summary e-mails.

Schrodinger · October 2012

emcmac87:
I am typing this on my phone since we lost power so I apologize if it is a little messed up. When my SO and his ex divorced they had agreed to correspond about anything they needed to through email. She even made an email address specifically for that purpose. Now that some issues have come up she is refusing to answer any emails and hands him handwritten letters when he picks up/drops off there daughter. I was just wondering if this would be problematic if he ever needed to show proof of anything in court. Also in one of her letters she claims there daughter always screams and cries when her father picks her up and this is his fault because he is uncivil to BM. This is untrue and he tried to not talk to BM at all in front of LO since BM tends to start yelling at him and etc. He is worried about her claiming this since she lives with her parents so always has someone to "back up" her story whereas he is alone. He was wondering if he should start having someone go with him to drop offs/pick ups. I figured I would ask opinions here. Thanks

Yes, you need to figure out communication with the next CO revision. I actually think that her handwritten notes would probably come in handy, since its far easier to claim that an email was modified after sending/printing than a written note. The harder part is if she claims that she gave you a note and didn't, it would be hard to prove what communication was or wasn't given. I would CYA by emailing her back when she gives you a note: "Dear BM, this email is to document that on *** day you communicated to us that *** was going to happen." At least then you have a record of every communication. This also works for phone calls.

As for the bold, I think that yes, if things are particularly hostile that witnesses are a good thing. We had a problem this year with false accusations by BM against DH and were able to use that to get transitions moved to public locations. If someone can't be there to witness, try getting transitions moved so that they don't occur at someone's house. It really will protect both BM and YH in case something happens during transition.

emme022 · October 2012

He has been doing something like that with the letters. When she writes him a letter he responds by emailing her and states the date of her letter and then ends the letter saying and since you have not been responding to my emails as we had agreed I will also give you this in writing. Then he writes out exactly what the email said and ends the letter with I also emailed you this as that is how we agreed to communicate. I think it's interesting she has admitted to reading his emails but will not respond to them

twister22 · October 2012

Ilumine:
What I would do is scan and email her letters with your responses right on back to her.

Then do summary e-mails with any oral communications.

And always begin your communication with e-mail, then if you HAVE to call her (do not write her letters), then follow up with the summary e-mails.

Brilliant.

emme022 · October 2012

Unfortunately we do not have a scanner or printer at the moment which makes things harder. When he needs one he uses my parents but there 30 min away so kinda far to print something. He's thinking from now on instead of typing something and emailing it and then handwriting the whole thing he will just give her a letter that says I emailed you on whatever date.

He is pretty sure he is going to have me go with him to pick up/drop off now also since besides what I mentioned she wrote in her letter she has also threatened to call the police and accuse him of kidnapping and refused 3 times to tell him when there daughters 2 year appt is which is in Nov. All of which she then denies or twists in writing.

emme022 · October 2012

I found out after writing this that there is a scanner app for iPhone and I just got an iPhone this month so we might try that. Unfortunately at the moment we have cut out all unnecessary expenises, my parents pay for my phone do they can keep in touch, and still have trouble affording the basics so buying a scanner isn't really an option

lvnlife3184 · October 2012

are you able to go with him when he picks up his daughter? i ALWAYS go with DH when he picks up his kids because of BM lashing out. Last Jan or Feb though we had a biting incident. BM bit him...she was going nuts over something very dumb...

After that he then told her she will no longer be coming to our house and never stepping foot on our property and he will not be stepping foot on hers either. We meet at a convenient store thats between houses in the parking lot and the kids hop out and switch vehicles there.

DH had offered the police station as a meeting point but she did not agree to that. Guess the whole police report being written up against her domestic battery and the fact that DH is a police officer in our town made her uneasy about it.

And if I am alone to pick the kids up for DH, I always have someone with me so she can't lash out at me over anything or try making plans or changing plans through me without a witness. She's just not trustworthy and if you're dealing with someone like that, a witness is always best.

CFjo2010 · October 2012

Obviously every State is a bit different, but I know that my husband and I generally go together to do pick-ups or drop-offs and we both answer the door together when BM comes to pick-up K at our house. I've been called as a witness numerous times and have prepared countless declarations in response to BM's bogus claims. The Judge took my testimony and declarations and considered them even though I'm the spouse. If there isn't anyone else who can go with him to pick-up/drop-off then you should go. Document what time you get to the house, what BM is wearing when you arrive, and make note of any neighbors that are outside when the exchange is happening, etc. Another great thing that my husband had to do a few times was have someone on the phone. He would call his mother or brother and have them on speaker when he would do the exchange. That way they could hear everything that was happening.

As for the letter vs email issue: as long as the communication is in writing, it holds up. Same as text messages. So she doesn't want to use the email, ok. As Illumine said, after any and all handwritten communications or verbal communications send a summary email regarding what was discussed. Keep copies of very letter BM hands to him. Keep all texts sent and received. Take a screen shot of the texts or take an actual photo. Also document when she fails to respond to emails or texts.

emme022 · October 2012

SO is going to email BM tomorrow and let her know that from now on he will have someone with him for all pick ups/drop offs. We are both semi afraid she will call the cops when he shows up with someone with him but I don't think there is really anything the cops could do? Or atleast I hope not. Guess we will see what happens, I'm semi nervous though.

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