Horrible News 3 days before DD (LONG)

akem1984 · October 2012

So, my LO is due Nov. 1st and I?m very excited about her birth. My OB is scheduling an induction to begin on Wednesday and I should deliver on Thursday. Anywho, I feel horrible because I believe that my marriage is over and everything hit home this weekend. My husband and I have been married 2 years and it has been rough. One of the hardest things for me to get over was his emotional connection with women from his past. I do know that he has never physically cheated on me but emotionally cheating is still hard. It hit the fan in January 2011 to the point where I almost got divorced, but I forgave him.

Fast forward to Friday night. I was checking our cell phone records and noticed a new number where he had been texting. Yeah, I know some may say when you go and start looking for stuff then you will find it. Well, my thoughts on that is before you began looking something already was wrong. Anyway, I confronted my husband the next evening. I wasn?t ugly nor did I raise my voice. After acting like he didn?t know what I was referring to, I left it alone; however, when he came back to the master bedroom where I was, I had to ask again. And he was very upset and began hollering at me and told me to stop going through his stuff. It was very intense.

He says this is a friend who is a health care professional in another state that he wanted to reach out to because of recent health problems. He deleted all of their text messages, which in my opinion means that he was hiding something. I have a few guy friends, but they have all meet or spoken with my husband and we have even attended some of their weddings. I have nothing to hide. My husband has had recent health problems and I have been right by his side making sure that he is okay even at 9 months pregnant.

Given his past I just feel like he should have said something about reaching out to this woman, which leads me to believe it?s more than he?s saying. I didn?t know what to do. So about 20 minutes after our argument yesterday, which was about 12:45 a.m. I decided to leave the house and get fresh air. Before I left, he told me he wants a DIVORCE and to put him on CHILD SUPPORT. I feel like no woman should have hear that less than a week before giving birth. Then this morning he told me that we should have never gotten married. I lost it before and after he said that. I don?t have any nice words for him. He has made my life miserable and even a joyous time like this he has attempted to make it horrible.

I?m very very hurt. I?m hurt to the point to where I don?t want him to be in the room with me while I deliver. I don?t want any comfort from him. I just want him out of my life. I?m not na?ve. I was a very strong, independent, educated, and career-driven woman before I met him. I just can?t believe I?m going through this days before giving birth. It proves he doesn?t love me the way a true loving husband should. I just needed to express myself. I don?t have anyone that I can share this with. I?m so embarrassed that this is what my life has become.

abfromva2 · October 2012

I am sorry you are going through that. I think you need to do whatever you need to protect yourself emotionally right now. It really sucks he is doing that right before you deliver. As much as I don't think now is the time to make big decisions it does sound like he broke your trust and I would feel the same as you if I was in your shoes.

angielayne926 · October 2012

I am so sorry you're having to deal with this days before you deliver. I hope that you can make the decsion that works best for you and your LO.

CandaceLeigh · October 2012

This really stinks. I'm sorry you're going through this. My suggestion is that you let yourself and DH cool down before revisiting the conversation. I would actually suggest tabling the conversation for a few weeks. You need to get through the delivery and those first two weeks home before you make big decisions. You do need support while in L&D, but it needs to be someone you feel safe with. Is your mother or a sister or a close friend available to help you through labor? No woman should labor alone.

All of that being said, I do think you and DH have some things to work through whether the marriage lasts or not. However, if you think there's any chance of this marriage continuing, you need to think about how he can be involved in the birth of his child and do so in a way that you are comfortable with. If your marriage continues and you ban him from the premesis, he may never forgive you. I know you may feel that all of this is decided in your head, but I've seen several couples fight like this, do irrepairable damage with words and actions, and then once the baby is here, they sweep everything under the rug and pretend that things are fine and happy again. In reality, they're on the "baby high' and haven't resolved anything.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I'll be praying for you over the next couple of days and particularly during your induction.

kayteebayb · October 2012

What awful timing. I'm so sorry you are going through this. In these situations it is usually best to trust your instincts, and the fact that he became so defensive (and given his past) means yours are probably correct. Just remember that this is not YOUR fault. Do you have family or close friends that you can reach out to? Maybe they can stay with you after the birth?

CTA7 · October 2012

I'm sorry you are going through this, especially right now. He sounds like a total douche. Please do what you need to to take care of yourself -- find someone else to be with you for the L&D and help you out after the birth. He needs to grow up but its not your job to get him there, you'll have your hands full with one baby.

shutupanddance07 · October 2012

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. His behavior is embarrassing, but it has nothing to do with you. These are his issues, not yours. I'm sorry he's being such an asshat now while you need him. Is your family nearby to lend you some support while he's being a big ol mess? Maybe if not, someone could come in and help you out? Part of me wonders if maybe he's having some emotional issues due to his health problems and your pregnancy. Becoming a dad is scary, and having health problems is also a mess.

I went through something similar with my husband right before we got married. I found some messages in his phone by accident (he left his phone at home, a mutual friend called, I answered, and the message happened to be on the screen when I hung up), They were between him and his ex girlfriend. I lost it. We dealt with the issue, and he's never given me cause to worry about it again. I do occasionally struggle with trusting him, but his reaction has led me to believe that he really was sorry and wouldn't do it again. My husband cried and apologized, begged me not to leave, explained what happened and why, made efforts to make reparations, and voluntarily cut her out of his life. We're ok now, and while I used to check his phone regularly, I haven't looked at it in a long time. I'm hoping that this story gives you some perspective and maybe some hope that things might be ok.

I think you guys might benefit from counseling, but that doesn't help right now with your baby on the way. I hope you have someone nearby to be supportive, and I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this, which should be a happy time in your lives. If I was nearby, I'd find him and kick him in the goodies for you.

joliebebe · October 2012

I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe check out the single parents board for some further insight before taking any kind of plunge? You might find there are worse situations out there. Not belittling yours, but, you know.. the grass is always greener on the other side.

I would suggest, if DH is willing, some kind of counseling, whether it be marriage or indidvidual. And as other PPs said, maybe you two need some cool down time. To me, it seems kind of fishy, but I believe in giving people the benefit of a doubt. Try bringing it back up in a couple days and be very honest - him yelling at you hurt your feelings, him asking for a divorce hurt your feelings, etc. It may be he's stressed out or scared of impending parenthood, or whatever.

And lastly, this one is a tough pill to swallow.. unless your DH/BD causes undo stress on you, you shouldn't exclude him from your LO's birth. If you're so uncomfortable you don't want him in delivery, that's your choice, but he should be able to experience LO's birth too - I mean, LO is half his! It's easier to want to restrict their involvement when they hurt us, but believe me, your LO will appreciate you encouraging a relationship with his dad versus limiting it.

Anyway, I'm sad you're going through this, but you're strong and you'll survive. I'm positive you'll come out on top, even, and things will be better than before, whether that's with or without DH. Good luck, mama!

ACS26 · October 2012

I am so sorry. You don't deserve this. I hope you have a close friend or family member you can lean on right now. If I could make a suggestion, it would probably be a good idea to ask someone your close to to be near by when you're going to be induced. It sounds uncertain whether or not your husband is going to be a support to you during your labor.

Desmarie13 · October 2012

I am so sorry you are going through this! How terribly sad for you and your baby

You are better off knowing now that he is unhappy. If he waited until after lo was born he may want to try and make it work for the sake of your child. The best parents are happy parents, regardless of their marital status. I do know how tough this is, i was a single mother when i ha dmy DD. It was hard to know that my so did not want to be with me and be a family. Honestly it allowed me to grow as a parent and DD and i have an amazing connection. It also allowed me to open my heart to a wonderful man who does want a family and loves my DD as his own. I wish you the best! Focus on you and your lo, the health of you and your baby is what is most important right now. If his being in the room for the birth is going to distress you, do not allow him access. Imo you and him need to talk soon. He may have been angry and said things he didnt mean, but your relationship doesnt sound healthy at this point. If he does want to be with you, you guys may need to seek counseling. Clearly he does not feel that he can confide in you and that is something that should be worked out if you two are going to stay together. An emotional connection is very important in a relationship. Sending positive thoights for the best outcome for you and your family. ::hugs::

auburnbride2be · October 2012

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine. I do know that you need to trust your gut and try as tough as it is to focus on your baby. Don't be embarrased. You have no reason to be embarassed. Regardless of what happens with your marriage, you have a beautiful baby about to come into this world and that is something positive to focus on. Don't let him take this experience away from you. Don't let him win. Just remember how strong you are and how strong you have to be for your baby. It will all work out somehow.

143BabyCakes · October 2012

Not gonna' lie. This sucks. It sounds like there is a lot of built up stress, dishonesty, and resentment. Regardless of the final outcome, my advice is to seek counseling. For yourself first and foremost. If you can talk to your hubby about couples counseling try that too. Divorce is not an option to be flung around and decided on in the heat of the moment. I have been there. I actually handled the entire divorce process myself. If you guys stay together you still need to get back to being the strong, confident woman you were before and that is something you need to do for you and LO. If you don't stay together you are still bettering yourself. Divorce sucks but if you get yourself back through counseling you can't lose. If you are good with yourself, it will be easier to cultivate a friendship and be supportive of his relationship to LO.

Like PP said, table the conversation. Start making a list of solutions and present them to him in a calm, confident manner. Don't be embarrassed. Nobody volunteers to go through these things.

ZoeMay06 · October 2012

Lots of big hugs to you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially right now. Hopefully a large part of it is due to him feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and he just happens to be lashing out at you. Not an excuse by any means though, he is definitely acting like a jerk. As much as I would resist this myself, I agree that it may be best to revisit the situation in a few weeks and then open up the conversation again and seek counseling. You're about to go through a huge transition and things might feel different when you come out the other side. I also agree that it's best if he has the option to be there for the birth. Find someone else to support you if you feel that is best, but allow him to at least be there. If not, it might cause a lot of regret and resentment for both of you. Good luck mama, and hang in there.

Benav · October 2012

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. This should be an exciting time in your life... I would suggest maybe some counciling for the two of you? If you want it to be over though, do what is best for you and your little one that will soon be here. Hugs to you.

AnnieH32 · October 2012

So very sorry you are dealing with this at all, but especially when the focus should be on happier things. Lots of love.

bobbyme · October 2012

joliebebe:
I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe check out the single parents board for some further insight before taking any kind of plunge? You might find there are worse situations out there. Not belittling yours, but, you know.. the grass is always greener on the other side.

I would suggest, if DH is willing, some kind of counseling, whether it be marriage or indidvidual. And as other PPs said, maybe you two need some cool down time. To me, it seems kind of fishy, but I believe in giving people the benefit of a doubt. Try bringing it back up in a couple days and be very honest - him yelling at you hurt your feelings, him asking for a divorce hurt your feelings, etc. It may be he's stressed out or scared of impending parenthood, or whatever.

And lastly, this one is a tough pill to swallow.. unless your DH/BD causes undo stress on you, you shouldn't exclude him from your LO's birth. If you're so uncomfortable you don't want him in delivery, that's your choice, but he should be able to experience LO's birth too - I mean, LO is half his! It's easier to want to restrict their involvement when they hurt us, but believe me, your LO will appreciate you encouraging a relationship with his dad versus limiting it.

Anyway, I'm sad you're going through this, but you're strong and you'll survive. I'm positive you'll come out on top, even, and things will be better than before, whether that's with or without DH. Good luck, mama!

He told he wants a divorce, and to put him on child support, and you think she should allow him in the delivery room? She needs to do what is best for her at this time. She will have plenty of time to involve him after the delivery if they do end up separating, but if she wants her privacy, then she is entitled to it.

joliebebe · October 2012

bobbyme:
joliebebe:

I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe check out the single parents board for some further insight before taking any kind of plunge? You might find there are worse situations out there. Not belittling yours, but, you know.. the grass is always greener on the other side.

I would suggest, if DH is willing, some kind of counseling, whether it be marriage or indidvidual. And as other PPs said, maybe you two need some cool down time. To me, it seems kind of fishy, but I believe in giving people the benefit of a doubt. Try bringing it back up in a couple days and be very honest - him yelling at you hurt your feelings, him asking for a divorce hurt your feelings, etc. It may be he's stressed out or scared of impending parenthood, or whatever.

And lastly, this one is a tough pill to swallow.. unless your DH/BD causes undo stress on you, you shouldn't exclude him from your LO's birth. If you're so uncomfortable you don't want him in delivery, that's your choice, but he should be able to experience LO's birth too - I mean, LO is half his! It's easier to want to restrict their involvement when they hurt us, but believe me, your LO will appreciate you encouraging a relationship with his dad versus limiting it.

Anyway, I'm sad you're going through this, but you're strong and you'll survive. I'm positive you'll come out on top, even, and things will be better than before, whether that's with or without DH. Good luck, mama!

He told he wants a divorce, and to put him on child support, and you think she should allow him in the delivery room? She needs to do what is best for her at this time. She will have plenty of time to involve him after the delivery if they do end up separating, but if she wants her privacy, then she is entitled to it.

Apparently you can't read. I addressed that.

"If you're so uncomfortable you don't want him in delivery, that's your choice.."

Edit: Excuse me, I should have clarified my response for the simpletons. By "birth experience" I mean the whole shebang, not just the delivery. As in, the after birth part where people come to your room and "ohh" and "ahh" over LO.

ladybugsmum · October 2012

I am so sorry you have to go through this at what is supposed to be one of the most happiest times in your life. I went through something pretty similiar a few months back.

My SO and I hit a rough patch and I was too scared to say anything to him. I just continued spying on him and looking at his phone and basically tortured myself. Finally, I just couldn't do it anymore. I d end up confronting him and it turned out just the way yours did. A huge argument ollowed by the words, "we probably shouldn't be together anymore."

It took us awhile to repatch things but we learned to sit down and talk like normal people and not start screaming at each other off the rip. SO told me before when he would do that, it was because he was scared and under a lot of stress. This is our first baby as well and neither one of us really expected things would happen so fast.

Maybe you guys can also seek counseling like someone else mentioned? It really helps to just let things out. I don't know why, but when someone else was involved, I just felt safe and I could say whatever was on my chest. I agree with the others and think you guys should just cool down and see how things work out in a few days. But I don't think it's wise to not let him be in the room with you. What if things do end up working out? Do you really want to live with the fact you didn't let him in on that experience as well?

viking15 · October 2012

I really feel for you. I am sorry this has happened. I don't have anything new to say for advice. Counseling helped us, but only after my DH was ready. It was the third attempt and after 6 months of separation. It may take a few weeks to be able to get into a therapist even if you can get him to agree to it. I hope you are able to handle the stress. I know I was a mess when I went thru moments like these and I wasn't even pregnant, much less about to be induced. Good luck!

newtonk · October 2012

I'm SO sorry you are going through this, NO ONE deserves to feel the way you are feeling. Try to focus on the amazing joys you are about to experience with your LO. Like you said, before you met him, you were a strong, independent, educated, and career driven women....I imagine this is still you. A little digging can bring a lot to the surface when it comes to self discovery. You are probably a better woman/mom without him in your life. I?m sure it?s hard to see now, but I bet all of this is a blessing in disguise. Good luck to you.

akem1984 · October 2012

Counseling is not a bad option; however, he has been opposed to doing it. I have a therapist who could get me in ASAP. He doesn't want to owe up to his responsiblities and it is killing me.

I don't have any family that even cares about me. No relationship with mother or father. This has been my life ever since I graduated from HS. Both of them suffer from horrible mental health disorders. Through God's help I have not been affected by their issues thankfully.

However, I do have a friend who is willing to come with me. I understand what many of you ladies say about not letting him miss this moment. Nevertheless, it's very hard to imagine having a cold-blooded individual beside you attempting to support you when they don't care.

Ladies, thank you for your support. I have read every heartfelt post and I just want you all to know that you have made my day.

kissmii · October 2012

akem1984:
Counseling is not a bad option; however, he has been opposed to doing it. I have a therapist who could get me in ASAP. He doesn't want to owe up to his responsiblities and it is killing me.

I don't have any family that even cares about me. No relationship with mother or father. This has been my life ever since I graduated from HS. Both of them suffer from horrible mental health disorders. Through God's help I have not been affected by their issues thankfully.

However, I do have a friend who is willing to come with me. I understand what many of you ladies say about not letting him miss this moment. Nevertheless, it's very hard to imagine having a cold-blooded individual beside you attempting to support you when they don't care.

Ladies, thank you for your support. I have read every heartfelt post and I just want you all to know that you have made my day.

you don't have to have him there. i agree, i wouldn't want to force myself to be okay with him being there, when clearly, it is not. i'm glad you have a friend that you can be with but as for your (sorry) not-so-dearH, i still think you should let things between you cool down before making any final decisions. divorces aren't minor issues you just throw about, especially now. i don't know the whole story, so ultimately, it is up to you to assess the situation. don't ever think that you are anything less if he leaves, yet put into consideration the welfare of your child. IF there is the slightest possibility you can work things out and be happy, then you both should try and fix it. but whichever you choose to do, do it for your LO but don't use her/him to force your marriage together. goodluck! *hugs*

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