Young, pregnant, feel so alone.

I am 21 years old and in my third year of college. This previous summer I came home to stay with my mom for the last time and then I planned to be on my own. I was in Des Moines, a whole new area and did not know anyone, I met a guy (whos now the father of my baby) and things hit off pretty well and pretty quickly. After a few weeks we made the dumb careless decision to have sex. He's 18 and would just be entering college this year. after a few weeks of having a relationship, I just wasnt feeling it anymore. I knew he wanted to continue being with me and that he still had feelings for me, but to be honest, i was ready to go back to my university out of state and continue my old routine without a long distance relationship. NOT TO MENTION, having already had two years of college experience under my belt, i tried to explain to him that he was YOUNG and had no clue what the college experience would do to him.

He insisted we stay together, and him being as sweet and loving towards me, I agreed. Even though i was losing feelings for this guy. The last week I was cold and distant, and I turned away from any kind, thoughtful, or romantic gestures. He wasnt clueless. He knew something was up. I had already had the notion in my mind that when I returned to college, I would break it off. Two days before I was due to leave, I took a pregnancy test (AF was only two days late) and I was pregnant. I told him that night. He was scared ( but clueless) and calm and cool about the whole situation. NOW i felt i couldnt break up with him.

We talked about the baby everyday and I was struggling adjusting to this new lifestyle at school. I expressed my jealousy to him of how easy he had it and how I was depressed about this big scary change. He did not want to choose adoption and I sought help and guidance from a nearby pregnancy help center. After a while we decided on keeping the baby. I was still distant with him and didnt really appreciate his gestures or attempts to connect. I would deny phone calls and claim i was too busy. (STUPID I know) earlier this month, he informs me LITERALLY OUT OF NOWHERE that he doesnt know how he feels about me and he wants to be single. He says he is sorry and he still wants to be apart of the babies life but doesnt want to be with me. I am jealous, hurt, and scared, and most of all angry that these girls will be getting attention from him (that i realize i took for granted) and I am the one carrying his child. I felt thrown away and angry.

Naturally I immediately realize my wrong doings and sob on the phone with him over this break up (even though it was something I wanted in the first place). Later that night after accepting this and having a terrible night sobbing, throwing up and unable to concentrate, he contacts me and claims he doesnt know what hes doing. We agree that we can be together while he still goes out and participates in activities with his friends and what not. He is NEVER the same after this. I pour my heart and soul into the relationship now, and apoligize for all my wrong doings and he expresses his hurt from this summer. He just doesnt try like he used to and i can sense the distance. He has attention on other girls and partying which i understand is natural so I try to be understanding and give him space. Now i know how much i want to be with him. I am moving to des moines to be closer to my mom and family there, as well as him and his family. TECHINICALLY i am not single yet. HOWEVER I realize that despite my efforts this may not get better. I pray that it does. He seems colder and distant and that every attempt to be affectionate is slightly insincere. I choose to not fight with him and be very sweet and understanding. He has admitted that there is a change in our relationship and says he wants to try to get it back to the way it was. His enthusiasm for the baby and for me has diminished. I feel like he doesnt even want to talk about it. My choices have landed me in this terrible and frightening situation but i am giving my all for the baby. I know baby is more important than this relationship but despite my huge support system, this change in his behavior has led me to feel so alone. I regret every second i took him for granted and pushed him away. I am trying my best but he seems so uninterested in me. I am due to move there in december, and he is supposed to be driving here from Iowa for a doctors appointment. I hope him seeing the baby will help him realize how real this is. and perhaps our relationship will spark again after this long seperation of about three months. Ladies, I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best, we havent known eachother long but hopefully decreasing distance will make our relationship salvagable. Any thoughts comments, past experiences? words of encouragement are really needed. Im ashamed, scared and already feel oh so alone