For all the new and old mom's

IRR · October 2012

I know all of us can't wait to adopt and as the time comes closer for our EM to deliver I am starting to get weepy again that I am "taking her child". A bunch of you have just adopted in the last 8 weeks, were you really sad about taking your child? I just spoke to my EM today and she asked me if it was ok for her to hold the baby after she delivers. OMG, this is her child until she signs any forms, of course it is ok, but of course now I am getting sad again for the child's loss. Does this feeling go away, or is it always there in the back of your mind?

MagickalNarwhal · October 2012

I adopted 8.5 months ago and it's still always in the back of my mind. I've made peace with it, but it's still there. My son's birthmom was a bit distant recently and I went into a bit of a spiral that she regretted her decision, missed her son, and wished she hadn't placed or that she'd chosen another family.

I had to separate the fact that there will be sadness for her around the adoption vs. the idea that I was "taking her child". A lot of what we did on our adoption path centered around me havin the maximum amount of confidence that the decision was made soundly, the placement was ethical and that the first parents were as empowered and supported as possible. That was the only was that I could move forward and make peace with it.

SweetieBelle04 · October 2012

I know I don't post super often and I'm not a new mom, but this touched me. I honestly did not expect to feel sad about our adoption at all. We met the birth parents ahead of time, and we were confident that they were confident in their decision. They were happy with their adoption plan, so I didn't think it would be sad on either side.

When we left DD's birth mother's room with DD for the last time after everything had been signed and we were getting discharged, I cried like a baby. I was just so sad about DD's loss, if that makes sense. I hadn't thought about things from her perspective until I was her mom - it's amazing how quickly you can become protective of your children. Anyway, the feeling is definitely not very strong now, but I don't think it will go away ever. DD will always have the loss of her birth parents, and I will always feel sad that she suffered that loss. I hope it won't be a big part of our lives, but it will always be there.

Dr.Loretta · October 2012

We never really had that feeling. Maybe due to the circumstances of DD's birth, or the fact that BM had her in the hospital with her for 3 days without us. And we saw DD's BM when DD was 3 months old--BM was totally freaked out about what to do with a squirmy newborn.

I think it also helped that her BM has been super positive about the whole experience from the get-go.

jenbabe · October 2012

I always thought bringing our baby home after so many years would be such a happy time but I cried almost the entire 4 hour drive. I couldn't believe how bad I felt about taking BM's baby, I just wanted to turn around and give him back. But she had always been confident in her decision and I knew she wanted us to take him. It has mostly gone away now that he feels like my baby, I know he'll always be hers too but we're constantly reassured that she wants him to be ours.

dholsapp · October 2012

Even though we haven't brought our LO home yet, but he is due tomorrow, I have started to feel this sadness also. Our EM has always been very confident in her decision also, but it still makes me sad to think that one day when she gets older she is going to regret her choice. There is a quote I LOVE, that maybe you all have heard before that I actually had turned into key chains, one for EM and one for myself, to let her know that even though DH and I will be parenting, she is still a part of this with us.

He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine, and so together, we are motherhood. ~desha wood

IRR · October 2012

dholsapp:
Even though we haven't brought our LO home yet, but he is due tomorrow, I have started to feel this sadness also.

OMG good luck.

crene84 · October 2012

I didn't struggle with this as much as most other APs seem to. Yes, I care very much about our BM and will always be grateful to her, but I think she was just so confident in her decision and never wavered. She acted so "business-like" about it, never showing any real emotions, plus we had such little time to get to know her so we didn't form a huge bond over months of waiting. I do wonder how she is doing every day, if she ever did have any "secret" doubts, but for the most part, she just seemed so happy/relieved to get on with her life.

dfissori · October 2012

I'm so glad you posted this and I was able to see everyone's answers. I've never heard anyone else say this before and it's how I felt. I still get a choked up when I think about it. I adore our daughter's birth mother because she is such an amazing person and it was so hard for me to think that the best day of my life would be the worst day of hers. Our birth mother was very confident in her decision and quite happy for us so it was a great situation. However, no matter how good things went I know it was heartbreaking for her and I wanted to spare her every bit of pain I could. She helped me realize that knowing her baby would be loved and happy would be what helped her heal.

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