Preemies

You women are all so positive

I really admire how all of you on this board are so positive about your babies and the challenges that confront them. I cannot say the same for myself.

I thought I was doing better on Zoloft but spending time with my friend's healthy, happy FT baby has me in a funk. I hate to admit this but I kept thinking about the difference between my friend's chubby smiley little guy and my always fussing high needs baby I cannot seem to comfort. My LO is seeing a pedi GI but so far her reflux is still making her miserable.

Does anyone have suggestions on how not to compare and be more positive about being a preemie parent?
TTC since 3-08 IVF # 1 Dec 2011 BFP DD born at 31 weeks 6-24-12

FET #1 Dec 2013 BFN

FET # 2 Feb 2014 BFN

No more frosties

IVF #2. September 2014

PGD yielded 2 perfect 5d blasts

SET November 9, 2014
Nov 23, 2014. Another BFN

Not sure where to go from here.

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Re: You women are all so positive

  • I have to be honest, there are days that I still get in a funk.  I am fortunate that none of my friends have babies around the same age as mine that I am around.  A bunch of my friends had babies but they haven't been together and so I haven't been able to compare them. Today when I took E for therapy for his flat spot we were in the same room as a baby that was 4 days older than him. The baby was clearly bigger and I kept having to remind myself that even though E is younger he is still doing great.  That woman had a full term baby (we talked which is how I know his age) and still has trouble.  I just have to keep counting my blessings and remembering that we struggled when he was first born and there may be hurdles ahead of us but there are mothers out there who have troubles I cannot even imagine.  

     Also try not to be too hard on yourself. If Zoloft isn't doing it for you, try something else. There are a lot of medications out there that can help and you shouldn't settle for one that isn't working.  Are you going to see anyone? Maybe talking to someone about everything and how you feel would help. But also, that is what we are here for.  We all have good days and bad but we get through them together.  That's why I adore this board. I can vent and be sad or frustrated and the ladies don't tell me to "get over it" like the other post or think that I'm being dramatic.  HUGS and YOU ARE DOING AN AWESOME JOB MAMA!  

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    Our little hippo was as impatient as mom!

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  • This is probably a little flame worthy, so I apologize in advance.  But what makes me focus on the positives is that fact that it could be worse.  Other people have it worse.  Other people have no babies.  You have to be thankful for what you have. 

    It's so easy to be plagued by feelings of anger or jealousy or even sadness when you are around full term babies.  But you need something to snap you back to reality, and realizing that I am a lucky one helps to snap me back.

    I hope you find something that works for you soon.  Hugs.

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  • Hang in there mama! First off in regards to the meds, like pp suggested maybe get the dosage changed or try a new med. I don't know your circumstances but I have been on Zoloft and my personal experience was I was doing really good on it and then my anxiety was coming back dr uped it slightly and told me it takes a good 68 full weeks to really work into your system and feel the optimial effects.
    As to being positive, we all have our days where we need to throw ourselves a pitty party every now and than! It's good and healthy to get those emotions out. And for what it's worth my good friend had a baby ft shortly after I had dd. The first few months have been HORRIBLE for them, her DS is very high needs due to extreme reflux issues as well. I don't know from personal experience but just through what she shares that it is very very hard for her to handle and brings up a lot of issues. She finally made the decision to stop BFing and put him on nutramigen and they are finially seeing the light, he's becoming a new baby! Just know that you are not alone, and sometimes it's so easy to compare our LO's but everyone has their struggles being a mommy, it's just some people openly share their struggles or fears or worries and others hide it. With these forums and FB being a wonderful source of comfort, knowledge and resources there is also the downside. It's so easy to make posts that seems like you have the perfect child, job, marriage, family ect. And it's only human nature to share the good and not the bad and frustrating parts of life. It's hard enough being a mom let alone being a preemie mom!
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  • I am sorry you are down. My twins are 14 months and we are still dealing with a lot of my son's medical issues (has a trach due to severe respiratory issues from his prematurity). I often feel down and have a hard time seeing people with their healthy babies doing things we haven't been able to do with our babies. However, I will say that it has gotten somewhat easier over time and I am sure as time goes on it will get even better. I have also always tried to stay positive by just remembering how thankful I am that my babies are here with us today and for how far they have come. We know some families aren't always so lucky. Hang in there! This board has helped me a ton just knowing there are other women who are here to listen and support me and understand what I have been through! Xoxo
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  • I have to focus on the positive.  For me, I was very lucky to notice that my dude wasn't moving *as much*.  It was a total fluke that I'd been on vacation the week before *** really hit the fan.  If I hadn't been, I am not sure I would have noticed.  The day I was escorted to hospital bedrest I went to m regular OB appt and things were "perfect".  Later that day I went to the peri, just to do a more detailed ultrasound based on my stint in L&D for reduced movement 2 days before.  The perinatologist was very clear.  One week was how much more time our guy had.  If I'd waited one more week, I would have had a still birth. 

    It's much easier for me to be positive when I know how many stars had to align for my guy to live.

    Born at 31w3d due to severe IUGR & Placental Insufficiency--2lbs 3ounces
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  • It is human nature to compare and compete in every facet of life.  It is very difficult to not compare children.  Rationally I know not to compare my daughter to other children her age (adjusted or actual) but I still find myself doing it on occasion.  

     With that said I was admitted to the hospital at a very pre-viable stage.  We recognized and accepted (as much as you can "accept") the possibility of our daughter dying or with living with life long disabilities.  So while she has some delays and issues related to her prematurity I feel pretty darn lucky.  I say this not to diminish your feelings (they are very very valid)  but to emphasize that everyone's experience is different.  I ended up on the "lucky" side of a very desperate situation.  Others end up on the "unlucky" side of what they thought was healthy pregnancy.  

    mom to V; 25 weeker born at 1lb 7oz
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  • It's very hard not to compare, because like PP said it's human nature... But all babies are different and there is such a wide range of what is normal and okay. Whether full term or preemie, some are more fussy than others and it's not your fault or a result of anything you aren't providing. My husband was nicknamed "Cryin' Ryan" as a baby, while his older sister was  "Smiley Kyley." Both full term and healthy babies, just very different by nature, as all babies are! I'm sure your friend's little guy has his needy moments as well! 

    While I don't get in a funk from seeing/being around FT babies, I do still have occasional bouts of jealousy when it comes to pregnancy, especially late term pregnancy. But it has definitely gotten better with time. Like PP have said, one of the things that has gotten me through those jealous/emotional moments is that I do feel "lucky" in some ways. I only got to carry her for 29 weeks, but I still have her and I'm very grateful for that. I didn't think I'd ever get to have that experience at all. (My husband had not wanted children, and I had accepted that/was not ready to leave a happy relationship over it. I was on birth control when I conceived.) As much as I want it (and I want it so, so very badly!) I know that I may not get to have that experience again in my life, but I'm so glad that it happened at least once, even if it was cut short. I don't think I have ever felt more at peace and sure of what I wanted in my life than I did when I was pregnant and felt the baby kicking. I was so blissfully content, and I will never forget that feeling. The fact that DD ended up coming early does not take that away. It still happened, and I still have the memory of everything being right and perfect. And I still have everything that made it feel that way--the anticipation of caring for her and watching her grow up. All those things that made pregnancy feel "right and perfect" I still have, because I still have her, even though the reality is that there are so many ways she could have been taken away from me. Realizing that helps me to stay positive. It makes me appreciate what I have.

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  • I'm sorry that you are having much a tough time. Hugs You should know that all your feelings are valid.

    For me, I've always been a glass halffull kind of person. I am aware of the negative things ie, I'm not in denial but I choose not to ruminate in them. Instead, I choose to focus on the positives.

    I've decided not to focus about when Adalyn reaches milestones, rather I am focusing on the order of the milestones that she reaches. I love celebrating all the little things that other new parents may take for granted.

    This board has been a great help for me. The support and advice here is great. Sometimes, there are just some things that only preemie moms "get".
    TTC Since July 2008.
    Me: PCOS DH: Low everything (MFI)
    Clomid with TI x 3 2010 BFN
    Clomid+IUI+Ovidrel 2010 BFN
    IVF w/ICSI #1 2011
    9/8/11 Beta #1: 2082!! 9/19/11 Beta#2 34,689!! U/S 9/22/11 HR 127! 11/8/11 HR 150! 12/6/11 HR 136! 12/14/11 HR 139! Born at 26w2d on 2/4/2012! After 83 days in the NICU, Adalyn came home on 4/26/12!
    FET 1 3/2013 BFN
    FET 2 5/2013 BFN
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  • I wish I had some advice, but the truth is I've avoided spending time with friends who have ft babies. I have a hard time just seeing babies around DDs same age when I'm out running errands or at her appointments. It's so much easier to focus on her accomplishments and not compare when we stay in our own little bubble. Probably not the best way to handle things, but its what's right for me right now.
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