Extra shower hostess (kind of long)
SingleMom31
member
My shower was this past Saturday, and it was quite lovely - 10 ladies attended and we had a good time. I had hostess presents for my four hostesses (nice bottles of their favorite wines) and got all of my thank you notes done on Sunday. All around, Miss Manners (and my former finishing school teachers) should be proud.
Last night though, I got an email from my mom telling me that my sister had paid for 1/4 of my shower (she was not one of the hostesses) and that I needed to thank her more amply than I did. After deciding that there was no non-tacky way of finding out what happened, I just called my BFF (the "main" hostess), explained that my crazy mother was at it again, and asked what happened. Thankfully, she's been my best friend for 19 years, so she wasn't offended.
Apparently, the four hostesses had planned to split the costs in thirds between her, my stepmom, and my aunt/cousin. After the other guests had left (my sister was waiting for me to finish talking to someone else), they were discretely settling up and my sister involved herself and insisted on paying 1/4 of it. To avoid making a scene and having me overhear this whole conversation, my BFF accepted because she didn't know what else to do. My sister tends to be a little narcissistic and turn things into being about her, so I can see this happening.
My question now is what I should do. I'm annoyed that my sister would inject herself into something that didn't involve her (my BFF said that it was extremely awkward) and mad at my mother for involving me (it was a very lovely day without any drama, other than drama caused by my mom). But, now that I am involved, I feel like I should say something - apologies to the hostesses for my sister putting them in a weird spot, thanks to my sister for paying for it even if it wasn't necessary, etc. What do you ladies think?
Re: Extra shower hostess (kind of long)
I had a similar situation. I had 4 hostesses and brought hostess gifts. After the shower I handed them out my mom went on to tell me everyone and their mother who printed a decoration or brought a dessert. It was very odd because I wouldn't consider them "hosts" and I had no way of knowing about any of that ahead of time. It was like she thought I had some unlimited supply of host gifts.
It seems your sister offered after the fact and wasn't really seeking recognition, especially since you didn't even hear this from her. Maybe she was complaining after the fact to your mom but it seems more like your mom just saying something. I think if you feel like you have to say something I wouldn't make it too formal just mention to your sis "hey mom said you ended up contributing to the shower I really appreciate it" although I still wouldn't really consider her a "host" more like she gave a gift.
So awkward. I'm sorry you are in this situation! When I think of someone hosting a party, I think of both in terms of actually planning it, preparing food, decorations, etc, and the financial aspect of contributing to the party - and quite frankly, I give the former more credit than the latter in most cases. It's easy to write a check; planning an event takes a lot of time and effort.
Presumably, since your sister appears to have put them on the spot, she wasn't involved in any of the leg work of the shower, she just gave a financial contribution? Not to minimize that, but since she didn't really help plan, I don't think you necessarily owe her the same type of thank you. Like pp's suggested, maybe just take her to lunch, or maybe just write her a nice thank you note and give her a small gift card to Starbucks or somewhere she likes. But, I also don't think this is something you would want to affect your relationship with your sister in the long run so if her feelings will be hurt, you could get her a nice bottle of wine, like you did for everyone else. But, do not be guilted into some type of more "ample" gift than you got for the ladies who actually planned and hosted your shower.
As for apologizing on her behalf to your friend, I'm sure your friend understands the situation and is not expecting an apology. What I would do, however, is make it very clear to your mother that you had no idea your sister "contributed" (I would not call her a hostess) to the shower and had you known that at the time of the shower, you, of course, would have come prepared with a gift for her as well.
I'd drop your hostess friend a note and just reiterate how much fun you had at your shower and how much you appreciate her efforts, and that you're sorry it was awkward with your sister.
If you really feel inclined to do something for your sister, maybe you could send her a small bouquet of flowers with a note that thanks her for helping with the shower. To be perfectly honest, though, I don't think she really needs one. I think you could just call her up and let her know that your mom said she helped out and you wanted to let her know you appreciate her efforts.
I really hope your sister isn't expecting a gift. A shower is a gift that should be given with no expectations. I've hosted or co-hosted many showers and never received (or expected!) a hostess gift, and I'd really feel better knowing the parents to be are using the money to stock up for their little one.
Problem solved!
On a side note, I didn't realize you were due to close to me. How are you feeling?
Single mom high-five!
I'm a bit confused. If you already had 4 hostesses why would your sister pay 1/4? Wouldn't her portion be 1/5th? So...did one of the hostesses not contribute monetarily?
I read your last post and I think the email should be enough.
"Hey sis, I wanted to call you and thank you because a little birdie told me you paid for a chunk of my shower. You know you didn't have to do that. I appreciate it, though. I just wanted to thank you even though you weren't officially a hostess."
This gets Mom off your back, expresses gratitude for your sister's contribution to the shower, but doesn't reward her narcissistic behavior. It also reminds here that being a hostess is more than writing a check as you scamper out the door.