BF to FF, upset

ahleesha · October 2012

As I type I am pumping while my mil is feeding Liam his first formula bottle. I am upset about the whole thing because I swore he would never have formula. I am finishing my last year of school and start work again in November. I knew bfing would be hard but I didn't know it was going to be THIS hard.

I have dealt with my supply constantly dropping and dedicated the time and effort to picking it back up. This has happened four times already. The most recent was a week and a half ago when I ended up in the hospital with food poisoning and dehydration because I couldn't keep fluids in. since I was sick I missed feedings and pump sessions and now my freezer stash is almost wiped out with only 5 oz frozen. Since then I have tried power pumping, milkmaid tea, fenugreek, lactation cookies, countless ounces of water, etc. I just feel like all of this effort is wasted now and it kills me.

The problem that I have had with bfing all along is that I have always been told that is helps create a strong bond between mom and baby. Well I feel as though it has been doing the opposite. I dread when it comes time to feed him because since I started school he prefers the bottle and this makes feeding extremely difficult because he expects the flow of the bottle. I have no time to pump at home except when mil can come over to entertain Liam so my stash is constantly being pulled from but never replenished. Liam wants about 7 oz a feeding and I only pump about 4.

Fast forward to today and I am a mess. I feel like all my efforts to build my supply, even though they aren't helping, are completely wasted. I had to have my mil feed him the formula bottle because I started crying as I prepared it. This just isn't how I thought it would be and I feel hopeless. My next effort is to rent a hospital grade pump for a month and see if that has any effect but I am worried that it's a hopeless cause. Sorry this is long. If you made it through, thank you for letting me vent.

DeniseRN · October 2012

I can totally empathize!! DS2 is refusing to nurse since I went back to work and I hate that spend my time home w him pumping like a mad woman to keep up.

ahleesha · October 2012

DeniseRN:
I can totally empathize!! DS2 is refusing to nurse since I went back to work and I hate that spend my time home w him pumping like a mad woman to keep up.

Yeah it feels like if I am not attempting to feed him then I am attached to the pump and vice versa. I just want to enjoy time with him and not feel like I am wishing the day away because I am exhausted from trying to keep up.

ahleesha · October 2012

PaddyB:
I am sorry you are having so many problems and that BF is making you feel this way.nbsp;
Remember that you are trying your best.nbsp; That is all you can do.
Good luck!

Thank you, I appreciate it!

surprise3rd · October 2012

I totally get it too. I had to pump and dump for 10 days while a took an antibiotic that I couldn't nurse on. I remember the last time I nursed her before I started the medicine I just cried and cried. I was so sad. I pumped and dumped for 10 days, but my supply took a huge hit, and like you my LO was so used to a bottle nipple after the ten days that when I tried to get her back on the breast she was so mad and frustrated she would cry and flail. So then I tried to pump and put it in a bottle, but working and having two other kids just made the double committment....pumping time and feeding time virtually impossible. I have adjusted now, it has been about 2 weeks of Formula only, but I definately understand your sadness:( Hang in there Mama!

APendola · October 2012

<<Hugs>>

I feel for you. When DD was only a week old, I had to give her formula due to supply issues and it broke my heart. Combined with all the postnatal hormones - I just cried and cried when she wouldn't nurse, when I pumped, and when I gave her formula.

Now she is nursing better and her preference for the bottle has disappeared. She prefers nursing now.

I met with an LC, rented a hospital grade pump, and I went on medication to increase my supply. I never thought I would go through all that! I felt like all of it would never work, but it did eventually and I'm happy I stuck with it.

TMNTgirl · October 2012

I am sorry you are having such a rough time. But just know that having a happy momma is more important to your LO than only getting BM.

Have you tried just mixing formula and breast milk in a bottle? It might make you feel better getting a bit of BM in each feeding. That's what my mom does sometimes when I don't have enough milk saved up.

As long as your baby is being fed she will be healthy and just fine. And please don't beat yourself up about it. You've tried so hard and been through so much. You are doing great!

ahleesha · October 2012

Thank you so much for all the kind words. I am grateful to have this board to come to and get advice from, you ladies are amazing. He is napping now and while I am still upset over the formula I am realizing that I nees to do what is best for both of us. I will probably try the half and half method for as long as I can or if some miracle occurs and my supply comes back he will get bm. I wanted to wait until his four month appointment to discuss it with his pedi before going to formula but I couldn't handle anymore today and it was what I felt I needed to do. Just wish the guilt would fade.

ThePinkSuperhero · October 2012

You've worked really hard and given your baby several months of EBF. You should feel proud of that!

ashleynaka · October 2012

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I would be totally crushed too! I don't have a huge supply, but just enough to get us through each day, so I can relate to your dedication to try to build a stash. I had to supplement in the first few weeks and I felt so defeated b/c I too swore I would EBF. I hope it gets better for you, but don't beat yourself up if you have to FF.

brennarobbie · October 2012

I"m so sorry, love. That really stinks. Sounds like you have been an amazing mommy not giving up on BF'ing! Plenty of my friends do both - nurse when they're home and FF when they're at work. I can only imagine your frustration...I have it in my mind too that I'm bound and determined to BF. My supply has not been super either...I currently have only 8 oz in the freezer and I have to get up at the crack of dawn to pump and then again several times at work just to get enough for him to have the next day while I'm gone.

I can tell you that the hospital grade pump was wonderful for me - it's not a better pump...it just pumps differently. It literally feels and sounds different. For me, it was a little more efficient, and I had a little success power pumping with it while I rented it all last week. I plan to try again the week of Thanksgiving when I have 5 days off in a row and lots of family around to help with little man.

Don't be so hard on yourself - you are doing the best you can with what you've got, and that means you are a great mommy!! Hugs are coming your way. )

bumpuser1509193 · October 2012

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about! You are doing a great job!!!! All that matters at the end of the day is that LO is healthy.

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