Advice needed... telling friend who has had a loss

snowgirl427 · October 2012

While it took DH and I years to get pregnant, none of that time included a loss. I'm ready to tell a close friend that we are pregnant, but want to be as sensitive as possible as she had a m/c in early June. I know that she will be happy for us since she knows how long we tried, but I also know it will be a little sad for her.

Any advice you ladies can give me in making this news as easy as possible for her would be much appreciated. I care deeply for her and want her to hear the news from me but as easily as possible.

Ana0927 · October 2012

When I got pregnant I called and told my friend who was trying for years with multiple losses. She knew we had been trying so getting pregnant wasn't a big surprise for her but I knew it would sting. I didn't want to tell her in person for many reasons. I knew she would need time to process it, get angry, cry whatever she needed to do in private. I eventually miscarried and when she got pregnant she called me as well and I am glad she did. While I was extremely happy for her, I am glad I had the private time to let it sink in.

RachelandEduardo · October 2012

I am dealing with this as well and I've been putting off the phone call for two weeks. I'm curous to hear what others have to say.

LaineyPaney · October 2012

I think just acknowledging her loss and explaining how you want to be sensitive to her feelings will mean a lot to her.

snowgirl427 · October 2012

OK... I did it. I let her know just very simply... and she was ECSTATIC. I will preface things with this.... she has known we have been trying for 3 years... She told me she was so excited and that it really made her so happy to know that this was happening for us. Interestingly, she then wanted to chat about if we had done anything different, taken any meds etc. I didn't sense any sadness from her (or none that she expressed). She is really a great person. I think it also helped that this is the first month they get to begin trying again... so positive thinking is definitely where she is now.

She did tell me that she was really really thankful I told her instead of finding out through the grapevine. (We are in different states so doing it face to face would have been impossible, but from PP - I think that is best anyway).

Thank you ladies for your advice!

HoolahZinger · October 2012

snowgirl427:
OK... I did it. I let her know just very simply... and she was ECSTATIC. I will preface things with this.... she has known we have been trying for 3 years... She told me she was so excited and that it really made her so happy to know that this was happening for us. Interestingly, she then wanted to chat about if we had done anything different, taken any meds etc. I didn't sense any sadness from her (or none that she expressed). She is really a great person. I think it also helped that this is the first month they get to begin trying again... so positive thinking is definitely where she is now.

She did tell me that she was really really thankful I told her instead of finding out through the grapevine. (We are in different states so doing it face to face would have been impossible, but from PP - I think that is best anyway).

Thank you ladies for your advice!

Way to be such an awesome friend with this sensitive issue! It really depends on the friend how the situation should be handled. Some would want to be told in person, some by an email...it really depends. But it's always nice to recognize their loss and be sensitive to how they may feel. Great job!

snowgirl427 · October 2012

PetraStonegirl:
RachelandEduardo:

I am dealing with this as well and I've been putting off the phone call for two weeks. I'm curous to hear what others have to say.

I'm getting to this late, so I know the OP already called and that the conversation went great, but she was lucky. I really suggest writing to your friend instead of calling. That way, if you happen to catch her on a bad day, she has time to grieve for herself in private, before having to show that she is happy for you.

When women have had losses, they cry or get mad/sad/upset when someone else, even someone they love, gets pregnant. It has nothing to do with the pregnant person, and everything to do with her being sad for herself, that she lost her baby and isn't pregnant.

So, a sensitive and compassionate email goes a very long ways. Tell her that you are there when she wants to and is ready to talk, and that you don't expect her to want to talk about your pregnancy and that's ok. Tell her you love her and are ok with however much and whatever kind of contact she wants to have with you.

It is good that both you and the OP care and thought to consult with people who have had losses before contacting your friends.

I should have been more clear. I actually emailed her to let her know. Only because of our schedules. I think it also takes some of the pressure off. I will say that she sent me a separate note last night, thanking me again for telling her. She said she was so happy for us, and that feeling that way made her feel so good.

Petra - Judging by your siggy you have experienced a lot and have always added a lot of value and thought with your responses. Very glad you are around and that things are going well!

kcw282 · October 2012

When I found out I was prego with my first, I had a really hard time deciding how I would tell my cousin. At the time, she had been through countless miscarriages, several IUIs, and at least 3 IVFs. And then found out it would be highly unlikely she would ever get pregnant and be able to carry a baby to term, and if she did it would be very dangerous to her and the baby because of her health issues. Anyway, I debated and debated on how to tell her. I called her sister and my aunt first to ask them what their thoughts were. They said just call her and let her know. I called her. It was very awkward. She was very short, and I could tell she was crying. The whole conversation lasted probably 3 minutes which is about what I expected. I knew she was going to need some time. Several hours later, she sent me a very long, sweet text telling me how excited she was for me.

Want a personalized experience?

Advice needed... telling friend who has had a loss

Re: Advice needed... telling friend who has had a loss

Choose Another Board

Search Boards