mediation follow up....

lvnlife3184 · October 2012

for anyone who has read my previous posts about mediation between my DH and BM about holidays and babysitting (his father and my father watching the children after school hours...BM not agreeing to it even though it is free childcare...)

DH is dropping off paperwork this morning for a holiday schedule to go into place that was spoken about at mediation...babysitting deal didn't go exactly how we wanted it but starting next summer his dad is allowed to pick the children up on DH's week to pay for a babysitter so its better than nothing.

But yesterday we got word from his attorney that all the other stupid crap, even this babysitting ordeal she's trying to fight, really he can do what he wants still and she can't dictate to him what he does on his days of custody. But she CAN file in court about it and he needs to just pick his battles wisely. He's as smart as he can be about it but she obviously picks every battle possible.

Whats everyones thought about this though...I am due mid-late December with our LO and kids will be on Christmas break at that time. By the time they go back to school i will be recovered (hopefully as long as everything goes ok...) and i told DH that i would like the children to come home to us on our custody days after school and not to a babysitter. This would save everybody money obviously with having free childcare and it would let my SC come home and have that time with their little brother instead of the evening only when we are rushing them around to practices or doing whatever normally. we have not gone to her with this option yet...but in the past for whatever reason, BM insists they always go to this babysitter (its a family friend of hers...but the house is filthy, she feeds them junk food, her husband smokes in the house...i've had my rants previously about this...) and she honestly spent her money on her attorney to make sure mediation happened and she could refuse the free childcare from a grandfather and stepgrandfather and that she can keep paying this other lady. Any BM's out there have feedback about what you would say as far as stepmom keeping the kids after school while on maternity leave? like i said, by the time they are done with break i will be able to drive and be picking them up and if it is not myself it'll be their grandfather bringing them to me. any stepmoms, i always love your input too. i'm just curious to see with BM says when DH approaches her about it. Last time he approached her about the grandfathers taking over with free childcare she didn't say a word and just went straight to her attorney.

Ilumine · October 2012

Unless the Court Order gives either BF or BM right of first refusal, you can do whatever you want on YOUR time.

Now, are those afternoons after school YOUR visitation days? If so then have at it. If they are HER days, dont rock that boat.

HOWEVER, just because you have gone to mediation, that doesnt mean you actually have to AGREE TO anything in Mediation.

Personally, I would fight to include myself and DH's immediate family (ie parents and siblings) in the allowable side of the Right of First Refusal. HOWEVER, I would never allow my Exs new wife's family to be allowed to watch my kids without their father around. I DO NOT KNOW THEM.

Now, I cannot remember your custody/visitation. But unless your a true 50/50, the whole babysitter thing is not actually as SIMPLE as you claim it to be.

While that other woman is BMs friend, she is still running a business. Having the kids in and out of her home means her income is in and out. That literally cuts her income in half. That is not fair to her business - which is why it is hard to find daycares with flexible schedules like that to begin with and if you do, their costs are higher.

Now, if you want to force the issue regarding the smoking in the house? Have at it. You would have a better time getting a judge agree to that. Because all BM will need to do is say "I will lose this daycare slot if I take them out like this" And she would more than likely win.

Now, if you were to become a SAHM and offer afterschool daycare from now on......

Hopeforthebest · October 2012

Ilumine:

Unless the Court Order gives either BF or BM right of first refusal, you can do whatever you want on YOUR time.

Now, are those afternoons after school YOUR visitation days? If so then have at it. If they are HER days, dont rock that boat.

HOWEVER, just because you have gone to mediation, that doesnt mean you actually have to AGREE TO anything in Mediation.

Personally, I would fight to include myself and DH's immediate family (ie parents and siblings) in the allowable side of the Right of First Refusal. HOWEVER, I would never allow my Exs new wife's family to be allowed to watch my kids without their father around. I DO NOT KNOW THEM.

Now, I cannot remember your custody/visitation. But unless your a true 50/50, the whole babysitter thing is not actually as SIMPLE as you claim it to be.

While that other woman is BMs friend, she is still running a business. Having the kids in and out of her home means her income is in and out. That literally cuts her income in half. That is not fair to her business - which is why it is hard to find daycares with flexible schedules like that to begin with and if you do, their costs are higher.

Now, if you want to force the issue regarding the smoking in the house? Have at it. You would have a better time getting a judge agree to that. Because all BM will need to do is say "I will lose this daycare slot if I take them out like this" And she would more than likely win.

Now, if you were to become a SAHM and offer afterschool daycare from now on......

I am kind of surprised to see you say this. If one parent's judgement is okay (deciding on a babysitter/daycare) the other parent's should be equally as well. Unless obviously your EX is BSC and has a bad history.

kimmygirl77 · October 2012

Why do you have to say anything to your BM? If it is your DH's time, just pick them up from school. She can not dictate what you do on YOUR time. Unless she has First Right of Refusal, I don't see a problem. Sounds to me, that you try to let her know your plans, keep her in the loop, and then it ends up a big fight because she does not agree. So, I would not say anything. Just tell the kids that you will be picking them up from school and wait at X spot. Then BM can get pissed and file in court and by the time you see a judge you have been picking up the kids for 2 months.

I do agree that you might have to pay for daycare. You have to pay for the spot. Regardless if the kids go or not. It is the same if your child were sick. You still have to pay for that day.

I have been in your shoes. It was always a fight just to have a conversation with BM. So we stopped saying what we planned to do in our home. It made things a lot easier. If she goes to court and tells a judge that she is mad because you are picking them up on DH's time, I am sure the judge will throw it out for be ridiculous. Look into having her pay your attorney's fees for wasting everyone's time with her frivolous filings.

odear · October 2012

Hopeforthebest:
Ilumine:

Unless the Court Order gives either BF or BM right of first refusal, you can do whatever you want on YOUR time.

Now, are those afternoons after school YOUR visitation days? If so then have at it. If they are HER days, dont rock that boat.

HOWEVER, just because you have gone to mediation, that doesnt mean you actually have to AGREE TO anything in Mediation.

Personally, I would fight to include myself and DH's immediate family (ie parents and siblings) in the allowable side of the Right of First Refusal. HOWEVER, I would never allow my Exs new wife's family to be allowed to watch my kids without their father around. I DO NOT KNOW THEM.

Now, I cannot remember your custody/visitation. But unless your a true 50/50, the whole babysitter thing is not actually as SIMPLE as you claim it to be.

While that other woman is BMs friend, she is still running a business. Having the kids in and out of her home means her income is in and out. That literally cuts her income in half. That is not fair to her business - which is why it is hard to find daycares with flexible schedules like that to begin with and if you do, their costs are higher.

Now, if you want to force the issue regarding the smoking in the house? Have at it. You would have a better time getting a judge agree to that. Because all BM will need to do is say "I will lose this daycare slot if I take them out like this" And she would more than likely win.

Now, if you were to become a SAHM and offer afterschool daycare from now on......

I am kind of surprised to see you say this. If one parent's judgement is okay (deciding on a babysitter/daycare) the other parent's should be equally as well. Unless obviously your EX is BSC and has a bad history.

I agree here. So when does "your time, your decisions" come into play and when does it not? When you may potentially not agree?

I am a little shocked here, as well as offended that per what was posted above we should not have been able to leave SD for a night with my mom and grandma while we were on vacation in Chicago without explicit OK from BM?

SD spent time with her grandma and great grandma (yes, they are her grandparents, not step grandparents) while DH and I went to a wedding. We did not need BM's permission to do that, just as BM would not need ours to do the same thing.

lvnlife3184 · October 2012

I guess i should mention this "babysitter" they use...is NOT a business by any means. i doubt she'd pass any kind of qualifications.....the house literally is filthy. the childrens socks are black on the bottoms from her house. i've been inside before, it smells like smoke, the place is a huge mess, sh*t everywhere. just hoosiers...plain and simple. but theres no business and all pay is cash under the table. its extra money to this lady. nothing is turned into taxes.

It is definitely a battle everytime we try to keep BM in the loop and make sure we are all on the same page. she refuses to let DH have control of the children on HIS time. There is the right of refusal in their papers but on his custody days...she's working full time as an RN on 12 hour shifts...she's not even home when they leave for school or get home from school. she gets home 30 minutes before their bedtime actually so unelss she planned to leave work and drive 30 minutes back home to pick the kids up herself....i don't see a problem with myself, their stepmom, picking them up from school instead on days they are with their dad. this is our viewpoint at least. SD has already told me she wants to come home after school while i'm on maternity leave and not go to the babysitter. SS is too young to know what maternity leave is and whats actually going on half the time. Hes only in preschool.

She claims to not know my family. She has met my brother and sister in law and their daughter. her parents and older sister know my parents both well enough that they speak when they see each other. She was raised in a house directly nextdoor to my grandparents. The house she grew up in her mom was raised in as well which was next to my mother while she grew up (my grandparents house like i said). spent their childhood growing up nextdoor and her father lived down the street also. so they were all childhood friends. my dad knows her dad very well from a long time ago also and they get along just fine. She's just finding reasons to deny this idea we think. its just frustrating because the children love my parents like they are blood relatives to them. my SD calls my mom and dad gradnparents. she hasn't started calling them any type of grandparent name but considers them a set of grandparents still. they attend church on our weekends with my father and BM knows this. BM knows that my parents have babysat before and continue to do this too. its just this after school care she's holding onto. only thing she can hold on to i think.

i just hope she does not put up a fight about the kids coming home after school while i'm home on maternity leave. there should be no reason they can't come home and be with me while both of their parents are at work. BM wouldn't even be off work until 7:30 in the evenings on those days they are in dads custody and dad is home WELL before that time anyway.

lvnlife3184 · October 2012

And custody arrangement is terrible....its not equally 50/50....its not anything. the papers don't even state a custodial parent. Just joint parenting agreement. (so much for that huh??) Its monthly she sends us her work schedule and we work off of that. DH usually has custody 47%-50% every month. the schedule is NEVER the same except for saturday and sundays she works. There have even been times in the past on days she claims she's working, he sees her out driving during the day or something. So we know she lies too. about all kinds of things. we catch her in the act of lying often.

And in mediation she said she has to approve who watches the kids after school. She almost wouldn't approve of DH's dad watching them. their paternal grandfather!! she's seriouly nutty i think. just forgets about the children and common sense and only worries about her need of control. worries me for the kids and everyones future in dealing with her over things that should be easy to handle...

Ilumine · October 2012

Hopeforthebest:
Ilumine:

Unless the Court Order gives either BF or BM right of first refusal, you can do whatever you want on YOUR time.

Now, are those afternoons after school YOUR visitation days? If so then have at it. If they are HER days, dont rock that boat.

HOWEVER, just because you have gone to mediation, that doesnt mean you actually have to AGREE TO anything in Mediation.

Personally, I would fight to include myself and DH's immediate family (ie parents and siblings) in the allowable side of the Right of First Refusal. HOWEVER, I would never allow my Exs new wife's family to be allowed to watch my kids without their father around. I DO NOT KNOW THEM.

Now, I cannot remember your custody/visitation. But unless your a true 50/50, the whole babysitter thing is not actually as SIMPLE as you claim it to be.

While that other woman is BMs friend, she is still running a business. Having the kids in and out of her home means her income is in and out. That literally cuts her income in half. That is not fair to her business - which is why it is hard to find daycares with flexible schedules like that to begin with and if you do, their costs are higher.

Now, if you want to force the issue regarding the smoking in the house? Have at it. You would have a better time getting a judge agree to that. Because all BM will need to do is say "I will lose this daycare slot if I take them out like this" And she would more than likely win.

Now, if you were to become a SAHM and offer afterschool daycare from now on......
I am kind of surprised to see you say this. If one parent's judgement is okay (deciding on a babysitter/daycare) the other parent's should be equally as well. Unless obviously your EX is BSC and has a bad history.

So I am to take my ex husbands word that his new wife's parents are good and decent people? That his relationship with his wife wouldt cloud his judgement?

Personally, I would also put up a huge ass stink if my Ex thought it was ok to put our child in a non-licensed daycare as well. While licensure does not mean 100% safe, it is better than no oversight at all. It also means that those people have at least had some safety training, health care training, won't be smoking in the home, etc.

Ar least with my DH, I know my MIL and SILs' abilities, but how would I be able to prove those credentials with m y ExH's Wife's Father?

And no, I would not be offended if DHs BM questioned my parents like this - and I don't particularly care for her.

As for my judgement in sitters, every sitter I have ever left DD with, to include SS has been required to have passed and be current with the Red Cross CPR and First Aid courses. SSs has lapsed and will not be sitting for Monkey until he goes through the refresher courses, with DH and I

Ilumine · October 2012

I see where it seems insulting. Becuase it implies that your families are somehow not trustworthy or unsafe, etc. and that can even trickle down to you, as their offspring. I get that.

But in the end, my child's safety is my number one concern. And unless my DH were to satisfy my concerns, I would not be happy with DH handing her over to someone I did not know or at least vette.

Nor does this mean that I would immediately put up a stink and deny visitation out of hand, but I do beleive I have a right get more information on these people, do a background check and if my kids come back with some questionable information, say no the next time.

And I did this with my DH and MIL while we were in ME this summer. He wanted to go out to dinner with MIL and leave Monkey with MILs 2nd cousin. I didn't know this person from Adam and DH hadn't seen her in 30 odd years. All we had was MIls word. NOPE.

Hopeforthebest · October 2012

Ilumine:

I see where it seems insulting. Becuase it implies that your families are somehow not trustworthy or unsafe, etc. and that can even trickle down to you, as their offspring. I get that.

But in the end, my child's safety is my number one concern. And unless my DH were to satisfy my concerns, I would not be happy with DH handing her over to someone I did not know or at least vette.

Nor does this mean that I would immediately put up a stink and deny visitation out of hand, but I do beleive I have a right get more information on these people, do a background check and if my kids come back with some questionable information, say no the next time.

And I did this with my DH and MIL while we were in ME this summer. He wanted to go out to dinner with MIL and leave Monkey with MILs 2nd cousin. I didn't know this person from Adam and DH hadn't seen her in 30 odd years. All we had was MIls word. NOPE.

Respectfully, you are wrong on this one..in my opinion. YES it is your job as a mother to protect your child. JUST as much as it is your EX's job as a father to protect his child.

What you seem to be saying is that YOUR judgement outweighs his. I disagree (respectfully). Unless there is a history of him making bad decisions for your child you don't have the final say so during his time with the kid. As a lawyer once said.."There is great parenting and there is o.k. parenting".

lvnlife3184 · October 2012

I agree with both of you guys on this topic (Hope and Illumine).

At some point she has to stop and think though...he is their father and would not put them in harms way just to save a dollar. Plus he is a police officer. Safety is number 1 in his book always. (plus i looked it up and 1 block away from this babysitters house is a registered sex offender...)

He even stated out loud in mediation that she never once asked to meet his father in law or questioned DH about anything...just turned her nose up to it in general. My parents both have said they would sit with her and meet and talk to her and even invite her in their home to see it is clean, safe, a normal household. they have an almost 3 year old granddaughter also. They aren't new to this child thing. they raised 2 on their own, have one granddaughter and a grandson on the way (which has turned BM quite bitter since that news hit this past spring...)

I can't say i'm really "offended" by her because this is just how she is. we knew she'd make a stink about it but we didn't know it'd cost hundreds of dollars. I know she knows my family is just fine for the kids, she just doesn't want the kids to have more/other family or like anyone but her own. my MIL has told me in the past when DH and BM were still married....she only really wanted her family involved. His family never felt comfortable going to their home or around her and her family because they ignored them and didn't care to make them feel like family.

anyway....

if you have a joint parenting agreement....at what point does that actually work if nobody works to make it work???? one of them is always telling the other NO to something they want to do on THEIR time?? DH wouldn't question her as a mother and as to who she left them with as a babysitter cause he knows she wouldn't put them in danger. he has never asked her who she uses for babysitters and has always worked with her with this after school babysitter because its a cheap way and the children know her. We just would like to take advantage of free childcare through FAMILY who the kids are obviously comfortable with (like i said this other babysitter only watches my 2 SC and its extra cash under the table to her.) and DH even told BM he would tell her of the 2 days per week they would be getting the kids after school, he would make her aware of who it was on what day so she would always know who was picking them up from school. but again afterward, they would be going to our home. where the children live. where their own bedrooms and toys and things are.

lvnlife3184 · October 2012

MelRC117:
Hopeforthebest:
Ilumine:

Personally, I would fight to include myself and DH's immediate family (ie parents and siblings) in the allowable side of the Right of First Refusal. HOWEVER, I would never allow my Exs new wife's family to be allowed to watch my kids without their father around. I DO NOT KNOW THEM.

I am kind of surprised to see you say this. If one parent's judgement is okay (deciding on a babysitter/daycare) the other parent's should be equally as well. Unless obviously your EX is BSC and has a bad history.

I agree with Ilumine on this. I would not want my child going to my DH's new wife's father for care. I don't know them and especially not on my time. I think its only fair that she gets to pick her own care on her days. If she doesn't want your FIL's and your dad's free service then so be it. I can kind of see where she is coming from if it's on her days...I would probably be spiteful and would not want his family having time with my child on my days and my DC's SM's family. I'm not saying she picked the daycare center that I would, but I can see why I would personally not like what you are proposing for care.

this is only for the 2 days a week they are with DH. on her custody days....she takes them and picks them up from school because she's off all day being a nurse. its the 2 days a week she works...they are in dads custody and she has nothing to do with picking them up or dropping them off anywhere. the babysitting/daycare is ONLY on dads custody days.

its very confusing in our situation and i'll be hoenst....it took me a while to figure it all out. i think honestly i didn't have it all figured out until i was living with DH and SC. Its only because there is no real set schedule for the kids. she makes her work schedule monthly and we work off of it. its confusing for everyone involved...

lvnlife3184 · October 2012

I'm almost starting to feel like we are a little off topic...everyone has mixed feelings over the grandfathers babysitting after school hours....and everybody has very different situations so its very hard to talk about some things...

but i did question how everyone felt about my maternity leave and the kids coming home after school to me? BM has dropped SC off to me and picked them up from me alone without BD because he was working (gets called out being a police offcier at times...in detective unit right now). so its not like she doesn't know me or trust me already. but we just see her throwing a fit possibly and i wanted others opinions on what they would think or do or say...

her work schedule is very sparatic (because she schedules it that way) but i do nothing but make sure i'm available to be ther for those kids when their parents can't be. i sure hope she wouldn't try to deny those weeks of the kids coming straight home from school and being with me and their new little brother instead of going to this older ladies home and sitting there while they have to wait for dad to get off work.

lvnlife3184 · October 2012

side note...

This is NOT only over money. we want the kids to be able to come HOME after school and change out of their uniforms, be comfortable, have a snack from our home (which would be something somewhat healthy....last time i stepped inside at the babysitters my 4.5 SS was eating alone out of a large doritos bag....this was at like 3:45 - 4:00. a small snack is fine but really? giving a full doritos bag to a 4 year old probably isn't the best thing.)

anyway...the kids have after school practices and things. soccer most recently. this winter their activities change. SD has gymnastics starting next week on tuesdays and thursdays. looking at our schedule coming up according to BM's work schedule we have the children for about 90% of those nights when we will be rushing around to pick them up from the babysitter get them home, change her clothes, feed her and get her to gymnastics right away. would be nice if they were already home with a grandpa and changed and grandpas could be getting something ready to eat for us.

i hate rushing the kids around so much and shoving food down their throats. i know it happens time to time. but if it can be avoided...why not right?

twister22 · October 2012

Ilumine:
Unless the Court Order gives either BF or BM right of first refusal, you can do whatever you want on YOUR time.

Now, are those afternoons after school YOUR visitation days? If so then have at it. If they are HER days, dont rock that boat.

HOWEVER, just because you have gone to mediation, that doesnt mean you actually have to AGREE TO anything in Mediation.

Personally, I would fight to include myself and DH's immediate family (ie parents and siblings) in the allowable side of the Right of First Refusal. HOWEVER, I would never allow my Exs new wife's family to be allowed to watch my kids without their father around. I DO NOT KNOW THEM.

Now, I cannot remember your custody/visitation. But unless your a true 50/50, the whole babysitter thing is not actually as SIMPLE as you claim it to be.

While that other woman is BMs friend, she is still running a business. Having the kids in and out of her home means her income is in and out. That literally cuts her income in half. That is not fair to her business - which is why it is hard to find daycares with flexible schedules like that to begin with and if you do, their costs are higher.

Now, if you want to force the issue regarding the smoking in the house? Have at it. You would have a better time getting a judge agree to that. Because all BM will need to do is say "I will lose this daycare slot if I take them out like this" And she would more than likely win.

Now, if you were to become a SAHM and offer afterschool daycare from now on......

Illumine, I see where you're coming from in regards to the bold - to an extent. However, OP's DH is a police officer, they have shared parenting, and the proposed sitter is a relative to the SK's. If BM agreed to shared parenting, it in theory was because she trusted BD's judgment - BM needs to let go and let OP's DH make decisions for his kids during his time.

lvnlife3184 · October 2012

MelRC117:
lvnlife3184:
MelRC117:
Hopeforthebest:
Ilumine:

Personally, I would fight to include myself and DH's immediate family (ie parents and siblings) in the allowable side of the Right of First Refusal. HOWEVER, I would never allow my Exs new wife's family to be allowed to watch my kids without their father around. I DO NOT KNOW THEM.

I am kind of surprised to see you say this. If one parent's judgement is okay (deciding on a babysitter/daycare) the other parent's should be equally as well. Unless obviously your EX is BSC and has a bad history.

I agree with Ilumine on this. I would not want my child going to my DH's new wife's father for care. I don't know them and especially not on my time. I think its only fair that she gets to pick her own care on her days. If she doesn't want your FIL's and your dad's free service then so be it. I can kind of see where she is coming from if it's on her days...I would probably be spiteful and would not want his family having time with my child on my days and my DC's SM's family. I'm not saying she picked the daycare center that I would, but I can see why I would personally not like what you are proposing for care.

this is only for the 2 days a week they are with DH. on her custody days....she takes them and picks them up from school because she's off all day being a nurse. its the 2 days a week she works...they are in dads custody and she has nothing to do with picking them up or dropping them off anywhere. the babysitting/daycare is ONLY on dads custody days.

its very confusing in our situation and i'll be hoenst....it took me a while to figure it all out. i think honestly i didn't have it all figured out until i was living with DH and SC. Its only because there is no real set schedule for the kids. she makes her work schedule monthly and we work off of it. its confusing for everyone involved...

Okay, I totally misread your post then. If she doesn't want your dad or your DH's dad watching her child on your DH's days, then I would also say that DH put a kabosh (sp?) on her going to her current "center". I thought that one parent can't say no to who the other parent has caring for the child on the other parents' time? I honestly have no clue what First Right of Refusal really means since it isn't in DH's CO so my eyes kind of glaze over on this subject. I guess its time to Google.

The first right of refusal is just that if she were to be available during a time DH left the children with someone else (even myself as their stepmom i believe) she could say no she wants them with her. Which he can do the same to her. But like i previously posted...during DH's custody time, she's at work. if he has me or my parents watch the kids for a few hours while he's working or while him and I go out...she's literally 30 minutes away at work (in another state even), and gets home 30 minutes prior to their bedtime, and if she's working the next day, in the CO it states they are to stay in dads custody until she is off of work and NOT working the next day. so she really never has the chance to use that. He has never done that with her. Its normal for children to have babysitters. Grandparents or a young adult while moms and dads go do things whether it be for work or pleasure. Plus DH said he would never deny the kids time with her family. Thats their family. maybe not his, but its still theirs. If she were not working on those days and this was just a regular day DH had them and she were to be sitting at home, then yes i could understand her saying no. But all in all....this is her saying she wants HER babysitter to be used on DH's custodial days still. she's VERY controlling....and he's just tired of letting her bully him around and wnats to stand up for himself, his children and all of us involved. i feel like i've put blood, sweat and tears into this stepmom thing (tears for sure plenty of times.) and she has never once showed me an ounce of respect or thanked me for the things i've done. taking both kids to practices, activities, girl scouts, school stuff, because their mom is at work and dad got called out for work also. And she expects things from me also now i think because i've offered so much in the past. not to help her but to make things easy for the children. but she still wants to sit back and point fingers and tell DH what he can and cannot do on HIS time.

Ilumine · October 2012

Hopeforthebest:
Ilumine:

I see where it seems insulting. Becuase it implies that your families are somehow not trustworthy or unsafe, etc. and that can even trickle down to you, as their offspring. I get that.

But in the end, my child's safety is my number one concern. And unless my DH were to satisfy my concerns, I would not be happy with DH handing her over to someone I did not know or at least vette.

Nor does this mean that I would immediately put up a stink and deny visitation out of hand, but I do beleive I have a right get more information on these people, do a background check and if my kids come back with some questionable information, say no the next time.

And I did this with my DH and MIL while we were in ME this summer. He wanted to go out to dinner with MIL and leave Monkey with MILs 2nd cousin. I didn't know this person from Adam and DH hadn't seen her in 30 odd years. All we had was MIls word. NOPE.

Respectfully, you are wrong on this one..in my opinion. YES it is your job as a mother to protect your child. JUST as much as it is your EX's job as a father to protect his child.
What you seem to be saying is that YOUR judgement outweighs his. I disagree (respectfully). Unless there is a history of him making bad decisions for your child you don't have the final say so during his time with the kid. As a lawyer once said.."There is great parenting and there is o.k. parenting".

So let me ask you this? Did you do ANY background checks on the daycare you use? Do you NOT care that schools and churches do background checks on their employees - even the janitorial staff (Yes, I understand that no one is 100% safe, but ti does cut the percentages down)?

And do you know and trust EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOUR inlaws bring into their home?

The degree of seperation between the BFs family and his wife's family is that much greater. And guess what, as a Stepmother, I would have NOT PROBLEM with BM worrying about these same things. Nor would I be offended if her concerns were not fully satisfied and she asked that my parents were not to SSs babysitter.

Because I do feel that my judgement requiring certain actions/education/belief systems/etc do supercede my DH's at times. ANd I am married to him.

Ilumine · October 2012

twister22:
Ilumine:

Unless the Court Order gives either BF or BM right of first refusal, you can do whatever you want on YOUR time.

Now, are those afternoons after school YOUR visitation days? If so then have at it. If they are HER days, dont rock that boat.

HOWEVER, just because you have gone to mediation, that doesnt mean you actually have to AGREE TO anything in Mediation.

Personally, I would fight to include myself and DH's immediate family (ie parents and siblings) in the allowable side of the Right of First Refusal. HOWEVER, I would never allow my Exs new wife's family to be allowed to watch my kids without their father around. I DO NOT KNOW THEM.

Now, I cannot remember your custody/visitation. But unless your a true 50/50, the whole babysitter thing is not actually as SIMPLE as you claim it to be.

While that other woman is BMs friend, she is still running a business. Having the kids in and out of her home means her income is in and out. That literally cuts her income in half. That is not fair to her business - which is why it is hard to find daycares with flexible schedules like that to begin with and if you do, their costs are higher.

Now, if you want to force the issue regarding the smoking in the house? Have at it. You would have a better time getting a judge agree to that. Because all BM will need to do is say "I will lose this daycare slot if I take them out like this" And she would more than likely win.

Now, if you were to become a SAHM and offer afterschool daycare from now on......

Illumine, I see where you're coming from in regards to the bold - to an extent. However, OP's DH is a police officer, they have shared parenting, and the proposed sitter is a relative to the SK's. If BM agreed to shared parenting, it in theory was because she trusted BD's judgment - BM needs to let go and let OP's DH make decisions for his kids during his time.

I have no problem with BD's father watching the kids. NONE what soever and I was very clear on that with my post.

But they also want the OPs father to babysit children who are not his biological children. If the BM doesnt want THAT, isnt happy with THAT, I not only understand it, I agree with it.

Now, that does not mean (and I said this too) that I would dismiss it out of hand just because of the degree of sepearation, but unless my concerns were addressed, my requirements of safety met (the same damn requirements that I have with the schools and/or my own choices of sitters), then I would enact ROFR if I had it.

Sometimes HIS judgement isnt better.

And again, I AM A STEPMOTHER. SO this is not a BM replying but a STEPMOTHER too.

Hopeforthebest · October 2012

Ilumine:
Hopeforthebest:
Ilumine:

I see where it seems insulting. Becuase it implies that your families are somehow not trustworthy or unsafe, etc. and that can even trickle down to you, as their offspring. I get that.

But in the end, my child's safety is my number one concern. And unless my DH were to satisfy my concerns, I would not be happy with DH handing her over to someone I did not know or at least vette.

Nor does this mean that I would immediately put up a stink and deny visitation out of hand, but I do beleive I have a right get more information on these people, do a background check and if my kids come back with some questionable information, say no the next time.

And I did this with my DH and MIL while we were in ME this summer. He wanted to go out to dinner with MIL and leave Monkey with MILs 2nd cousin. I didn't know this person from Adam and DH hadn't seen her in 30 odd years. All we had was MIls word. NOPE.

Respectfully, you are wrong on this one..in my opinion. YES it is your job as a mother to protect your child. JUST as much as it is your EX's job as a father to protect his child.
What you seem to be saying is that YOUR judgement outweighs his. I disagree (respectfully). Unless there is a history of him making bad decisions for your child you don't have the final say so during his time with the kid. As a lawyer once said.."There is great parenting and there is o.k. parenting".

So let me ask you this? Did you do ANY background checks on the daycare you use? Do you NOT care that schools and churches do background checks on their employees - even the janitorial staff (Yes, I understand that no one is 100% safe, but ti does cut the percentages down)?

And do you know and trust EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOUR inlaws bring into their home?

The degree of seperation between the BFs family and his wife's family is that much greater. And guess what, as a Stepmother, I would have NOT PROBLEM with BM worrying about these same things. Nor would I be offended if her concerns were not fully satisfied and she asked that my parents were not to SSs babysitter.

Because I do feel that my judgement requiring certain actions/education/belief systems/etc do supercede my DH's at times. ANd I am married to him.

That is where we fundamentally differ. I respect your opinion and am always in awe of your advice. THIS time, I genuinely believe you are wrong.

If there is not a right of first refusal and it is dad's time. DAD'S ability to choose and do all the things that make him feel confident that the daycare or provider is safe,secure, compentent,etc. are sufficient.

This is a control issue in my opinion and while I think it is smart to want and DO all the things you suggested regarding background checks,etc., it's not your call. Dad gets to make the decision and therefore if he is fine with the sitter during his time...case closed.

Littlejen22 · October 2012

If the babysitters house is that bad the. Document it and for for fullcustody or call CPS. Stop focusing ont eh word "free" because if you are saying it to BM I can promise that all she is hearing is that you only worry about cost. As far as maternity leave, I would worry that when your maternity leave is up she can lose her sitter as this woman is expecting the money, just taking a kid out and not paying is not how it works. If your reason is soley because her choice of child care is unsafe then fight for a safe alternative, that might be the grandfathers but you need to fight be because it is a good alternative not because it is cheap.

lvnlife3184 · October 2012

Ilumine:
twister22:
Ilumine:

Unless the Court Order gives either BF or BM right of first refusal, you can do whatever you want on YOUR time.

Now, are those afternoons after school YOUR visitation days? If so then have at it. If they are HER days, dont rock that boat.

HOWEVER, just because you have gone to mediation, that doesnt mean you actually have to AGREE TO anything in Mediation.

Personally, I would fight to include myself and DH's immediate family (ie parents and siblings) in the allowable side of the Right of First Refusal. HOWEVER, I would never allow my Exs new wife's family to be allowed to watch my kids without their father around. I DO NOT KNOW THEM.

Now, I cannot remember your custody/visitation. But unless your a true 50/50, the whole babysitter thing is not actually as SIMPLE as you claim it to be.

While that other woman is BMs friend, she is still running a business. Having the kids in and out of her home means her income is in and out. That literally cuts her income in half. That is not fair to her business - which is why it is hard to find daycares with flexible schedules like that to begin with and if you do, their costs are higher.

Now, if you want to force the issue regarding the smoking in the house? Have at it. You would have a better time getting a judge agree to that. Because all BM will need to do is say "I will lose this daycare slot if I take them out like this" And she would more than likely win.

Now, if you were to become a SAHM and offer afterschool daycare from now on......

Illumine, I see where you're coming from in regards to the bold - to an extent. However, OP's DH is a police officer, they have shared parenting, and the proposed sitter is a relative to the SK's. If BM agreed to shared parenting, it in theory was because she trusted BD's judgment - BM needs to let go and let OP's DH make decisions for his kids during his time.

I have no problem with BD's father watching the kids. NONE what soever and I was very clear on that with my post.

But they also want the OPs father to babysit children who are not his biological children. If the BM doesnt want THAT, isnt happy with THAT, I not only understand it, I agree with it.

Now, that does not mean (and I said this too) that I would dismiss it out of hand just because of the degree of sepearation, but unless my concerns were addressed, my requirements of safety met (the same damn requirements that I have with the schools and/or my own choices of sitters), then I would enact ROFR if I had it.

Sometimes HIS judgement isnt better.

And again, I AM A STEPMOTHER. SO this is not a BM replying but a STEPMOTHER too.

I get it....and I see it mostly as covering all your bases in a general motherly sense as BM and SM. Because any SM will say they care for their SC as if they are their true blood children. (I feel that way at least.)

And I want you to know I don't know you at all but respect your opinion because you are always truthful and in general...sensible. And its like you said...you would not dismiss it because of the degree of seperation, you'd dismiss it for other reasons possibly. But with no reason not to meet the childrens step grandfather besides "i don't want to"....what is there? Their house is cleaner then the current babysitter. They treat the children like their true grandchildren. the BM see's them at the childrens soccer games but refuses to speak to us while they are with us of course. She knows they care for the children and are involved in their lives. She knows they watch them and babysit them during other times on the weekends or weeknights. my SS actually said the other night he'd rather go to my mom and dads house than his sisters soccer game. (can't blame him) so we dropped him off there and he watched cowboy movies with my dad the whole time and didn't really want to leave when we picked him up. Whats the problem with the after school care?? Its literally 2 hours of the afternoon until their dad or myself were to get home.

like i said...i understand if it were during HER days of custody but its not. Its only during dads days. on HER days she does whatever she wants and doens't tell BD what she's doing with the kids. PLENTY of times we hear how they were picked up from school by their neighbor (who's daughter goes to the same school) and DH doesn't complain. Not his decision to do that. Its HER time. but now, on his days...she can tell him what to do still....

lvnlife3184 · October 2012

Littlejen22:
If the babysitters house is that bad the. Document it and for for fullcustody or call CPS. Stop focusing ont eh word "free" because if you are saying it to BM I can promise that all she is hearing is that you only worry about cost. As far as maternity leave, I would worry that when your maternity leave is up she can lose her sitter as this woman is expecting the money, just taking a kid out and not paying is not how it works. If your reason is soley because her choice of child care is unsafe then fight for a safe alternative, that might be the grandfathers but you need to fight be because it is a good alternative not because it is cheap.

this is not a "daycare" the children are in. Its just some older lady BM's family is friends with who watches only these 2 children and is paid cash under the table. there is no license, taxes filed, NOTHING legit about a "daycare" scenario here. Just the person they agreed upon watching the kids after school back when they divorced because she was the cheapest route and the kids know her.

In our opinion...its been long enough since their divorce, the kids are getting older, things change. there is no wording in the CO by the way, that states anything about babysitting except that the mother and father split charges 50/50. nothing states WHO will watch the kids and like i said earlier this is a "joint parenting agreement" they have. but again....if one of those parents is not willing to JOINT PARENT....how are things handled?

Sigir · October 2012

lvnlife3184:
. but again....if one of those parents is not willing to JOINT PARENT....how are things handled?

How are these things handled? Your dh takes his ex to court and the judge decides. That is how you handle joint parenting issues where the parties can not come to an agreement.

Most of the time, unless there is a compelling reason to do so, the judge does not like to change what the kids are used to and thriving in. So you would have to make a very compelling case, prove that these grandfathers can handle kids, and cross your fingers that you get a decent judge. The judge will probably be even less willing to change the daycare situation to a temporary one [your maternity leave] because you'll be preoccupied w a newborn and the kids will be disrupted twice [ once to change to being with you, and another change again when you go back to work ]. Court is the only way you will get what you want, and honestly I think your chances are pretty slim. Is it worth the legal fees you will have to wrack up? Only you can decide.

By the way, I'd lose the argument that there is a registered sex offender near by. That one really gets under my skin bc exh tried to use it against me when I moved. The judge could care less because, guess what? They're everywhere.

Mrs.McLovin · October 2012

Just because it is a paternal grandfather doesn't mean a whole lot either. I wouldn't leave a dog with my children's paternal grandfather, and I don't like dogs. I would put up a stink if I didn't think a grandfather was going to care for my kids properly and even more of a stink if it is a man I never met.

Littlejen22 · October 2012

Ilumine, I remember a post where Hind talked about this and wish I could quote her. Shr talked about how she did not like when Pinky went to her Dad's house but she has no say in what happens there. The only way to usually get around that is a right of first refusal or to have the CO written so that every sitter needs to be approved with a list of already approved sitters, this would go both ways so a lot of people would not want it and if the other parent has regularly good judgement I would assume most people do not have this type of CO obviously in cases like justJ it is needed. I would not be surprised of you requested this but most people do not have that legal option since the CO does not allow for it.

As for the OP, who pays for child care/babysitting? If the cost is split then both people should get a say even if that is sucky. But you guys should be fighting even harder than she is if her daycare is so crappy.

Littlejen22 · October 2012

He needs to spend the money, go to court and get a new CO completely.

lvnlife3184 · October 2012

Mrs.McLovin:

Just because it is a paternal grandfather doesn't mean a whole lot either. I wouldn't leave a dog with my children's paternal grandfather, and I don't like dogs. I would put up a stink if I didn't think a grandfather was going to care for my kids properly and even more of a stink if it is a man I never met.

well this grandfather worked just fine without a complaint from BM the day that DH took the kids to the babysitter and nobody was there because she went on vacation and the babysitter herself did not communicate this to DH nor did BM who also knew she was not going to be there.

Grandpa stepped in last second in the emergency and took the kids at their home and kept them all day and fed them and there was no problems. they stay at their grandma and grandpa's often. like most children....

its the whole control thing that BM is scared to lose. She wants to have the control during DH's time also and its ridiculous he has to spend so much money to have control over his own life.

wren444 · October 2012

I agree. New to these boards but my partner has 2 ex's and a child with each. I have lived through enough mediation and court to say it's well worth it to spend the money now to get a tight 50/50 court order rather than deal with the ongoing conflict if his ex is establishing pattern of picking petty battles, lying and random need to control.

This coming from someone who would choose to avoid court if at all possible: I have no official custody agreement with my son's father - we have always been able to work things out amicably and look at big picture of what's best for our son. We share everything as equally as we can and stretch to accommodate each other's requests. The contrast between my situation and my partner's situation is night and day.

Want a personalized experience?

mediation follow up....

Re: mediation follow up....

Choose Another Board

Search Boards