I feel like I am digressing.

Roxycc55 · October 2012

It's been four and a half months. And all of a sudden I feel like I'm back at the beginning. I know grief goes in waves but I just don't understand. I keep replaying not hearing her heartbeat. And seeing the ultrasound where she didn't have one. And waiting five days carrying her knowing she wasn't alive. And how surreal it feels that I should have a newborn soon. And how unfair the world is. And I can't stand anyone pregnant. Anyone. Even people I should be happy for. Or babies. Or the world. I just am so depressed and feeling like there's no point because the world is just always going to be unfair. And I just have to fake it to everyone besides my FI thank god for him. But even people close. They say things that cut me or that I want to snap about like my sister offering to give away her absolutely perfect two year old. Or just flucking everything. Ugh. I'm supposed to be doing better by now.
Sorry. Depressing rant over.

LLPtobe · October 2012

Big, squishy (((hugs)))!!! I'm so sorry honey. Grief isn't linear, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with or face.

SaraSchneider6 · October 2012

I am very sorry that you're feeling this way. It is incredibly hard to go through what we are all experiencing, just remember that you have a great support system, whether it be family, or the ladies here, to help you when you need it. T&P's

lindsayanne14 · October 2012

(((hugs))) sorry you are having a rough time! It can get like that at times, I personally try to ride out those difficult moments, the bad times are mixed in with some good times and hopefully, with time, the good moments will far out number the bad moments!

TLR813 · October 2012

I'm so sorry! I think it makes sense that you're feeling the way you are, coming up on an EDD. FX you get your rainbow baby soon!

((HUGS))

LAMCH1980 · October 2012

I'm so sorry Roxy. hugs Aside from the initial shock of the m/c, I personally found the approach of my EDD to be the most difficult time as well. It threw all those emotions right back in my face. Your feelings are completely understandable.

baby101010 · October 2012

Its normal to have good days and bad days... or even bad weeks...feeling lik eyou are regressing every so often is pretty normal...sorry you are going through this

Roxycc55 · October 2012

Thank you ladies. I always know I can count on you for support and to make me feel better. [Group Hugs]

katharine25 · October 2012

(((( HUGS ))))

It truly does come in waves. Some days are better than others, some weeks, etc Every time i see an NT Scan I have flashbacks and all the emotions come washing over me. Maybe because they mimic the immobility and cold - which is what I saw on that fateful day. We all have our triggers, and it's just impossible to avoid them completely.

For what it's worth, when I passed my EDD there was a shift. At that point I stopped thinking about "I should be this far along" and such, The reality that I didn't have a baby in my arms hit me and I came to some level of solace with the situation. But really, it got so much worse before it ever got better.

linzeeh80 · October 2012

Roxy, im so sorry you are having such a hard time. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I have been feeling the exact same way. I feel like I'm going backwards. Since our EDD, loss date and how far a long we were are so similar, it must be normal to feel this way at this point. Big hugs to you.

AmeliaKris · October 2012

I'm so sorry. I hope better days are coming your way. Hugs!

Roxycc55 · October 2012

linzeeh80:
Roxy, im so sorry you are having such a hard time. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. nbsp;I have been feeling the exact same way. I feel like I'm going backwards. Since our EDD, loss date and how far a long we were are so similar, it must be normal to feel this way at this point. Big hugs to you.nbsp;

Thanks linzeeh!! I appreciate the kind thoughts! I think of you often because of how similar our situations are too. Hugs back!

km_md · October 2012

I'm so sorry Roxy ((hugs)) It really sucks that you have to relive all of that pain again.

edenrivers · October 2012

Oh, Roxy, your post brought tears to my eyes. Giant hugs for you. I too have waves of just ... there are no words to describe it. Sadness. Pain. The hardest lesson to learn in life I think is that it is so damn unpredictable, and there's not anything to be done about it. I hope more time helps, and I hope you feel better.

RedPhoenix625 · October 2012

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I go through phases, and I think I've been where you are. I hope you're feeling a little better soon. I know it hurts like hell. (((HUGS)))

heather52904 · October 2012

(HUGS) I've been feeling this way lately too, and it's been about 4 months for me as well.

Jenibug05 · October 2012

Hugs hugs to you. I completely understand. Last night, I had a breakdown and just cried my heart out. I thought I was doing better too.

I think everyone has good days and bad. I think how we do can flucutate. Be easy on yourself. You're in my T& Ps. Huge, huge squishy hugs. I'm here if you want to PM me and we can vent and support each other.

I can't be around pg people either right now. Or babies/newborns... even if the kid is 1 years old I can't handle it. I recently had to hold a best friends baby and I broke down crying. It was too difficult, but I didn't feel like I could say no since it was my best friend. I learned it's okay to say no. A best friend especially will (should) understand.

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