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Natural Birth
vlevitt
member
Not so sure DH is on board
vlevitt
member
Hey all,
lim a FTM and really hoping for a med-free hospital birth. Our M/W group is awesome and also provides free doula services. They, and the hospital I'll be delivering at are also committed to med-free as much as possible. The thing is, I don't think DH iis as into it as me.
I have a lot of reasons for wanting med-free and feel really committed to it, but I'm afraid his lack of commitment will undo my resolve. He and I wil obviously talk about it more, and I plan to talk to the doula about it as we'll so she can manage some of that stuff during labour. Did any of you encounter similar situations with your SO's or family?
I haven't mentioned it to too many people (my wanting to go med-free) but the response so far has been underwhelming (eg. you'll be screaming for meds." and snorts of laughter)to say the least.
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Re: Not so sure DH is on board
My DH says he is on board, but I think he definitely has his doubts. He is a doctor and has delivered a lot of babies, and he is always saying (in a sort of know it all tone, I might add) how "trust me, women start climbing the walls in pain and wishing they had just had the epidural, so we'll just see how it goes...". I have been more firm on how this is really important to me though, and he seems to be more supportive and not saying things like that quite as much anymore. Hopefully some childbirth classes will get him more prepared for it, since I doubt he has ever given it that much thought.
On the other hand, my mom and his mom are really supportive, as neither of them had epidurals. So that helps!
Have you discussed the pros and cons of medications with him. Does he realize it isn't just about the pain?
My DH got more on board when we took a class and he understood the pros and cons, risks and benefits of the various interventions. When he realized there was actually a purpose to birthing without medication.
Yeah, this. I think it's important that he understand why this is the path you're choosing.
Also, maybe you'll be surprised about how he acts during labor. I think you should definitely discuss with him why you need him to be on board and that you're really going to need his help through this process.
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Also a FTM planning a natural birth with midwives in a hospital...
My husband is on board in the sense that he understands how passionate I am about this issue and let me make the decision (my body, etc.), but he *definitely* does not share my passion. While he gets my reasons and understands the potential side effects of interventions, he tends to think I always want to do things the hardest way possible... and he sees a med-free birth as another example of that.
The thing that is most making me feel okay about the experience, even knowing that he is not 100% committed, is having a doula. My husband will be helpful during labor, but will also probably be freaking out when he sees me in pain... so having a doula who can provide me with a lot of labor support and can allow him to take breaks I think will be worthwhile.
I'm going to be a little tough.
Your husband needs to nut up. He's not pushing a baby out his willy and he won't be experiencing any discomfort during the birth of your child. It is not his right to voice doubt or hesitation about whether or not you want to take drugs during delivery. If he were concerned about medical procedures (i.e. if you disagree about when and induction is warranted, the validity of an episiotomy vs. tearing.) then I think you need to talk to him about your views and take his into consideration as well.
In my opinion a husbands place, with regard to pain management, during labor and birth is to love and support you. To provide you with the knowledge that they are there for you no matter what and will support and fight for your choices even if they wouldn't make the same ones.
I got lucky and have a husband that was very encouraging. He told me during my first pregnancy that he would also choose to go without drugs but that he couldn't understand why anyone else would make that choice. After talking about it he understood that we share a desire to experience things, that we share a similar feeling that medical interventions and altering our experience through artificial means causes us greater anxiety than pain. We found a lot of shared views from discussing labor/birth. That's not the case for everyone but that doesn't eliminate your husbands responsibility to respect you and support you.
Yes - after watching The Business of Being Born, my SO was totally on board. In fact, he said it should be required viewing for fathers so they can understand what is happening when the decision to introduce interventions is made.
I would say if you still have doubts as you get closer, a doula might be your best bet.
Hi all, thanks for your advice. I'll def try to get a copy if the business of being born and find some time to talk about my feelings about it beyond pain management.
thanks, Mama's!
My DH is definitely one of those guys that'll say "yeah, she wants to go med-free. I don't know why. If I were in that situation, I'd just say 'knock me out and wake me up when there's a baby' ". And that's not to be mean to my DH or anything, it's just how he feels and he'll never know what it's like to be carrying that baby and wanting the best possible birth for him.
I explained why it was important to me and he said that he'd support my choice and he did, never even once asking me if i wanted pain meds or the epi during labor.
Sometimes, I'm hilarious.
Now that he saw that birth (as well as our fourth born natural at a birth center a year ago) he is 100% changed. He doesn't understand how anyone can want to give birth in a hospital or that they don't research this stuff. He's a huge supporter of natural birth.
Looks like you're down to the wire. The Business of Being Born may not be something FUN for a dude to watch but I put it on after our first natural birth (third baby; first two were epi-births) and my husband kind of wandered over and started watching and was just floored by the stats.
Education and knowledge are POWER. Give him good, solid information. What it boils down to, though, is your health and baby's health. If your heart is telling you natural birth is the way then do it.
Watch The Business of Being Born together. DH didn't want me going to a hospital after watching that movie let alone having medical interventions that go with the typical medicated labor. He probably just doesn't want to see you in pain and has it in his head that birth is a problem to fix or like most doctors a disease that needs a medical cure. You have pregnancy, not a pathology. He needs to read a few books himself and learn about the slippery slope one can slide down if they aren't educated. You don't have much time, if you have Netflix I'd stream that movie to watch tonight!
Good books to read: Ricky Lake's Your Best Birth, & Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.