This is F'd up.
H just came to me with a proposal.
He played it real casual like and said if we do joint custody, and because I make more money than him that I could end up paying him child support. (Ha! Whatever. Like he's really going to do the 50/50 thing.) He asks me, "You don't want that do you?"
I ask him what he's getting at. He says that he wanted to know if he gave me full and complete custody, and he just send me money on regular basis, would I promise not to screw him over as far as DD is concerned and not keep DD from him?
I looked at him like he was NUTS.
I said, "I don't think so. If you don't pay me like you say you will, I have absolutely no financial recourse." He says he wouldn't do that to me. again, I look at him like he's nuts.
I say, "What if she finds out? I don't like secrets. How do you think she would feel if she ever found out you signed over your rights?" He says she'd only find out from me. What. EVER. He's the one with the big mouth. And I did I mention I don't like secrets?
WTH.
Seriously?
He said he trusted me. Well bub. Maybe you shouldn't. Because I then wouldn't have to turn my child over to you for visitation if you moved to Texas. I could protect my child completely from your BSC daughter, your son, your mother, your brothers, your uncle, your friends...
And I would. I would have complete and total say. But no money.
But that's not the thing that gets me. I keep thinking who in the hell in their right mind would give up custody of their child??? Maybe that's my answer. Maybe I SHOULD take him up on it.
My god.
If I needed yet another excuse to divorce him, I guess I got one huh?
Re: This is F'd up.
I'm confused.
He wants joint custody and child support?
Or he wants to sign away his parental rights, but still pay child support and have visitation?
Or he wants you to have full legal custody, while he pays child support and has visitation?
And does your jurisdiction even allow parents to sign away rights without a stepparent ready to adopt the child?
His reasoning by the way is that he doesn't want to get screwed by the courts again and from what he understands - from his dumbass friends and not a lawyer - that he could really get f'd in this deal.
I am so mad right now.
It's making me wonder who the bigger idiot is. Me for believing him about his past situations with his older kids, or him for thinking this was such a smart idea.
WTH.
And here's the big joke. My lawyer says that given his history more than like he will never do 50/50 which would mean I could easily get out of paying him, and if we do primary, he wouldn't pay more than $350/month. Maybe less. AND...if I ever wanted to be kind hearted, I could always forgive him his debt at some point.
I don't plan on sharing this infor with H. I need to think this one over. I want to refuse his offer but I'm seriously wondering if I should. I mean if you are willing to give up your rites for any reason...maybe you really shouldn't have any.
Essentially he does not want to be legally obligated by the courts to pay CS, but he wants me to give him visitation, and he would in turn give me money on a regular basis as if he paid child support.
EDIT: He want's his "freedom" in other words, and I think he might be heading to Texas, so it wouldn't be joint, and he's scared he will be asked to pay more than he can afford.
I don't know if the courts would allow it. I'm thinking not. And more than likely he would have to abandon DD for a period of time before they would give up rites.
I'll have to check.
I think I'll have to agree with you on that... What a flipping loser. He wants to just "trust" you? Really? He is BSC. I have more feelings on this matter, but just cannot find the words...
Oh so like an "under the table" child support and visitation agreement? It kind of sounds like he thinks you're going to keep DD from him, and he only wants to pay c/s if he gets visitation. Like a pay-to-play set up. Shady all around.
I don't know what I'd do in that situation. Sorry.
Good luck!
I guess it depends on a lot but if the state will not allow it then fight for CS, your DD deserves it even if you save it all for college. Then he will have no sob story to tell her about how you kept them apart.
Man I am mad for you.
Do everything by the books, walk away from this with clean hands. DO NOT lie to your DD for him.
I also NEVER bought his bs excuse as to why he had no contact with his eldest kids. Nor was I ever surprised that his next two were so f**ked up.
You know that his 'mentioning' 50/50 and you paying him is a threat right?
What a SOB.
Get you and DD out of there and do not look back.
I am so terribly sorry that you are dealing with this, never lose sight of the great person and mother you are. Be proud of yourself for not settling for this life for you or DD.
I'll preface what I'm about to say with the fact that it is my knee jerk reaction.....if the courts allow it, let him.
Then you can do exactly what you want in regards to keeping your daughter from EVER being exposed to any of those dysfunctional ass hats.
What a MF'r!!!!!
I don't know if I'm more mad for you or sad.......but in a case like this with OBVIOUS drug issues with his relatives, I'd do whatever it takes to prevent EVER taking a chance DD was near that shizz. At this point I'm not sure it is healthy for her to be around the mental shizz that apparently has infected ALL of them. UGH!
Hugs to you and you are a strong lady. I hope things get settled for you soon.I know this much stress for this long is not healthy for anyone.
Tell him that you want him to have a good relationship with DD (which is true). Then tell him if that is how he wants to go about things he needs to go to the court and ask for it. At the very least get him on record as saying that's what he wants.
Then I hope you nail him to the wall.
I agree with Phantom, the BS about going for 50/50 was a threat, and you should take it as such. He is not going to let this go smoothly unless he gets his way. Which sounds like it is right out the door and not being responsible to your DC anymore.
I'd take him up on it AND never let him see DD. But that's me.
If he wants to play like that, so can you.
I don't know his track record on support payments for his other kids in the past, but CS would not be the major motivating factor for me in this particular case. I'm not suggesting you withhold DD from him either.
A) He's filed bankruptcy already, what does he have left to put liens on.
C) If he moves back to TX with his "family" the whole multi state enforcement/jursidictional battle is costly (I know as do others here) .No guarantee you would get CS.
I think you should def.do things by the book to protect yourself, but if it were me I stand by my initial statement...I'd "LET" him walkaway.
That gives you 100% control of who your DD is EVER around. Then you dictate the terms of visitation because he has no rights. I don't want him to never see her again, I just don't want his crazy family (SD w/threats from past or SS with drug issues) ever having to "babysit" for him or have any access to her with their mental,drug,etc issues. Who knows the untold strays he will hook up with down the road.
We got into a mini argument about it this morning. I asked him who suggested to him to give up his rites. He said no one. He claimed to have talked to a lawyer friend in Texas ?who knows?. I suggested that he not talk to me about it, but to consult a lawyer because the whole thing angers me and I?m not going to keep this a secret from DD, and I?m not going to leave myself in a financial bind if he chooses to not share in expenses.
He said again, ?Well I just wanted to find a way to beat the system. I?m not going to get screwed again by the courts.?
What the F ever.
So I told him, ?Don?t worry. You won?t. I?m not going to go for a ton of money that I?ll never see.? He starts in about how he won?t screw me over and how he?s a good dad, and he wants to be there for DD, but he doesn?t want me to pay him if we do joint, and how he wants to be in control over what he pays?
OMG. After 5 kids, and however many custody agreements, have you not learned a damn thing?
He made a remark that in Texas you could give up your rites. Well that?s Texas. We?re in Iowa and we are going by Iowa law. We went round and round about it and I finally said, ?Well what do you think is fair H? What do you WANT to pay each month??? He said he didn?t know. It would depend on what job he got. Well he doesn?t have one right now so I guess it makes this a pointless argument now doesn?t it??
I?m so disgusted right now. He is so concerned about being financially screwed, but apparently doesn?t realize, I was financially screwed taking care of him and everyone in his family. I?m done. I've been paying for 90% of everything in regards to DD anyway, so it's not going to affect me much if he pays or not.
I honestly do not expect to see much of any $$. Expect nothing, and you won't be disappointed.
I don?t care what he does, but I?m going to ask the going rate for our situation and his salary potential and leave it at that. I already know he?s going to high tail it back to Texas before the end of 2013. My dad thinks it will happen before this Christmas. If that?s the case, I will make damn sure he pays full expenses for DD?s travel down there. That will pretty much cinch her not having to go down there for his visitation. DD will more than likely not really know her father.
And that?s okay. I will do what it takes to fill the void and I have a wonderful supportive family who will fill the void as much as possible too. And maybe someday someone new will take the place of her daddy and step up and be the father she may need.
One thing?s for sure?she will NOT turn out like SD, SS, or any of the other deadbeat opportunists on that side. And if I?m lucky, she will never really know them either.
They don?t deserve to know her or the wonderful person I believe she will turn out to be.
Oh, and I did tell him how disgusted I was that he even suggested this. Regardless of his reason and intent - I can't even imagine giving up my rites for any reason.
It was lost on him.
But what can I expect from someone who was raised as a throw away child himself? There is no sense of proper parental or family responsibility and loyalty with any of them.
I can't force it on them and I'm not even going to bother to try and pound it into his head anymore.
This. Isn't this exactly what he did withhis other kids? I can't remember but I think it went something like this. Ugh, I'm glad you're leaving him. You and your DD will be so much better off.
j+k, we don't get along. I know that. I have no business reading this, but I do have to say, you've said you don't feel like DD would be safe in his house with the randoms and stepkids in and out.
Personally, this is the route BM took. She doesn't have to pay child support, and we get full custody. We jumped when she offered it.
As far as your concerns about this hurting DD: You cannot and will not be able to force a relationship with someone who does not want to parent. Whether or not the court grants him 50/50, or visitation, is NO guarantee that he will use his parenting time or be involved at all.
If you are truly concerned about DD's safety in his home, do it. There's no reason not to. You can still allow contact on your terms, visitation on your terms.
If the court is involved, they set the terms, and they do NOT move quickly in cases of drug abuse, neglect, or violence in the home. ETA: DH was in this position. BM had been arrested for drug possession, but the court said we still had to send SSs there for overnight visits or face DH being put in jail for contempt. There is no worse feeling than kissing your kids goodbye and praying they will be okay for the next 48 hours.
I know you have your daughter's best interest at heart. I know you don't want her to grow up without a dad or feel abandoned. None of that is really up to you, though. If you take his deal and you continue in earnest to promote a relationship with phone calls, making cards for him, making DD available, you will have done all you can to provide her a father AND make sure she's always in a safe, stable home.
If you are truly concerned about DD's safety in his home, do it.nbsp; There's no reason not to.nbsp; You can still allow contact on your terms, visitation on your terms.
If the court is involved, they set the terms, and they do NOT move quickly in cases of drug abuse, neglect, or violence in the home.nbsp; ETA: DH was in this position.nbsp; BM had been arrested for drug possession, but the court said we still had to send SSs there for overnight visits or face DH being put in jail for contempt.nbsp; There is no worse feeling than kissing your kids goodbye and praying they will be okay for the next 48 hours.
I know you have your daughter's best interest at heart.nbsp; I know you don't want her to grow up without a dad or feel abandoned.nbsp; None of that is really up to you, though.nbsp; If you take his deal and you continue in earnest to promote a relationship with phone calls, making cards for him, making DD available, you will have done all you can to provide her a father AND make sure she's always in a safe, stable home.
This changed my opinion totally.
Take the deal because you will die a fking death the day you have to let her go to Texas.
Most States don't let a parent sign off on their rights without an adoption in place. This is because if the custodial parent ever becomes in a situation that they need help from the State/Federal governmnet the other parent can still be held responsible for supporting the child financially. If he signs off your DD will never be able to collect SS if something happens to him which is something to consider also.
I agree that I would hate to turn your child over to him for a visit but do you think once he leaves for TX he is really going to come up with the money for a plane ticket to beack to where you live or for her to go and visit him? His track record when it comes to parenting proves that he is out of the picture as soon as possible.
Chances are he will be a dead beat Dad and never pay anything. However wouldn't it be nice that when/if he gets a tax return garnished or a pay check garnished that you might get some money for a college account for your DD?
A decent atty will make sure that visits can happen with reasonable restrictions since he has a lot of history that will be taken into consideration.
ETA: I'm not anti signing off or for it for that matter. I think there is just a lot to consider before deciding. Someday he is going to give your DD the excuse that her Mom kept him from visiting. Someday there might be another child that he has with a Mom that tries to get him to visit her.
BFP #1 ended in MMC. Discovered Oct 2005 @10w5d, baby stopped growing around 6w. D&C.
BFP#2 Nov 2005. Baby's heart stopped @ 8w3d. D&C Jan 2006. Trisomy 18
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BFP #4 11/6/12. EDD 7/16/13~my birthday! No sac found @ 5w1d, betas not increasing. Natural m/c started 11/20/12.
BFP#5 11/9/13. EDD 7/21/14 Our beautiful rainbow born on his due date!!
Okay, let?s not make this into something it isn?t right now. And I stress ?right now?.
Is H an asshat for suggesting he sign over his rites? 100% YES. That?s a no brainer. But the fact remains, the courts aren?t going to allow it. H himself is not a danger to her. ?Right now?, I have no concerns about DD in H?s home. The only reason he suggested it is because of $$ - or his fear of being raked over the coals. Regardless of the things he has said, I know he wants to see DD and I know he is good with her. Where I have concerns about her safety is when he moves to Texas, or SS, SD or any other deadbeat opportunists want to take advantage and come live with him. I know H will never let his mom watch DD. But he wouldn?t even blink about SD or SS even tho he knows I am 100% against it.
In J&A?s case, the BM is a drug addict and has clearly given the courts good cause to agree to her giving up her rites. H has not. It?s the others in his life that I have concerns with and that is not enough for either H or I to ask the courts to agree to him signing over his rites. The only thing I can do is list them in the CO as people who can not have any contact without supervision. And even then, unless H enforces it ? it will be tough for me to enforce until they do something to harm her and I or H file a restraining order. And make no mistake ? I WILL do this without hesitation.
H may have landed a pretty good job too today, so things are looking promising. I know however, how things have gone historically and if they do again, H no longer has me as a safety net so if things turn for the worse again, he will move back to Texas.
If H gets this job, he won?t be able to do 50/50 because of the schedule. It won?t be joint. I?ll get primary custody. I know he is more likely to pay me CS if he stays here ? and I know he will keep to a typical EOW visitation with DD. If he doesn?t get this job, H will probably move back to Texas soon. I guess all I can do is wait until I need to worry about that.