Long, adopted related struggles.
Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting here, and I will try and make this short but it involves a lot of backstory..
So my DH had a daughter eight years ago when he was only 19 years old. Him and the BM had an on-again, off-again relationship and she was only 17 years old. DH decided to give up his rights, but (from my understanding) you have 48 hours to change your mind after signing rights away, and the next day DH decided he had made a mistake and went to courthouse to try and fight it.
BM met him outside and told him that as long as he didn't fight it, he could see the baby whenever he wanted..DH agreed, and unfortunately BM did not uphold her end of the bagain and DH was only allowed to see the baby one time when she was three weeks old, and then not again until she was six years old.
(BM tells me that DH did not try and contact her to see baby, DH tells me that he repeadtedly tried to contact her but she changed her contact information)
Fast forward to now, I will call baby "B".
BM got married a few years after B was born and her husband adopted B and has raised B from the get go, B knows that she is adopted, and also has been told that DH is her "biological father" although when BM and AF (adopted father) first explained who DH was to B, they said he was a man who she "shared her blood with" and later told her DH was her biological father.
DH has been in contact with BM for the past, probably, 5 years, and has gotten updates on how B is doing and we would see pictures of B on facebook, two years ago B's adopted father reached out to us and told us we could meet B. We were beyond exstatic. At the time that we met her B still only knew that DH was the man she "shared blood with" and not that he was her biological father.
The meeting went well and BM and AF agreed that we could see B once a year unless she asked to see us more, and in that case we could see her as soon as she asked.
We saw her again six months later after they asked B if she wanted to meet us at Christmas to open presents, and she said yes.
At the Christmas meeting DH and I were pregnant with our first child, to the meeting also went very well and B was told that we were expecting a baby. She seemed excited but BM and AF would not tell her that the baby would be her half sister, and she is too young to make the connection on her own.
We had our DD four months ago, about a month after having our DD we got to meet with B again (so this was our third meeting, and at this point she had been told that DH was her biological father, but not that DD was her half sister) the meeting went awesome, her AF wasn't there, but during the course of our meeting she asked multpitle times if she could see us again. But after the meeting, her BM and AF will no longer contact us, or retun any of our text messages/emails/phone calls, and have completely fallen through on their end of the agreement that if B asked to see us, she can.
We, and especially DH, are just so upset that we were beginning to establish this relationship with her, and BM and AF have always said that as soon as she asked to see us again, they would allow it, and now she is asking, and they cut out all contact with us. I know AF is really struggling with the issue and is scared that B will "love DH more than him" but, I just feel so sorry for DH, because it is like it is happening all over again for him, after she was born he wasn't allowed to see her, and now he was beginning to establish a relationship with her, and now it seems like they aren't going to allow it.
I would think for B's sake it would be easiest if her Biological father was a steady part of her life and not someone who showed up and then disappeared, but unfortunately there is nothing legally we can do about it.
I'm sorry this is getting so long, but I was hoping if there are any people who have been adopted on this board, maybe they can give me and DH some insight from your perspective, and how you felt about wanting to know your biological family.
And maybe if there is anything we can say to them that would help persuade them to tell B that DD is her biological half sister, because we feel that she deserves to know that...
Anyone have any insight?
Re: Long, adopted related struggles.
I would think for B's sake it would be easiest if her Biological father was a steady part of her life and not someone who showed up and then disappeared, but unfortunately there is nothing legally we can do about it.
There isn't? I would contact a lawyer and see if your DH has any visitation rights he can put in place. He may have signed over rights to parent, but he may still be eligible to set up a visitation schedule. But a lawyer in your state would know the laws best.
If I were in your shoes I would try the tactic of reassuring the AF. Have your DH write the adoptive father and explain that he in no way wants to replace him, that B will always love him and he's her Daddy no matter what. It sounds to me (and I could be wrong) that this whole thing is going south b/c of the AF's insecurities. Try play to his insecurities, build him up, reassure him and see what happens.
Major ((hugs)) to you too b/c this is a really difficult situation.
TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
SA February 2011: Normal
RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI
Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption
Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
Court trip October 2012
Home November 24 2012!
Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues:
Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count
Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???
Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013
We definitely do try our best to have a mindset of "What's best for B" that's why it is so hard right now because she asked to see him, and then he never shows up, so we are afraid she thinks he flaked out on her, when in reality, we are doing everything we can to try and make that happen.
We also do a TON of reasuring to AF, including handwritten thank you notes everytime we get to see B and DH has told him, on more than one occasion how thankful he is to to AF for stepping up and becoming a Dad to B when DH couldn't.
Also, AF mentioned to DH when I was pregnant that he was concerned once DD was born that DH would just forget about B, so we have been extra sensitive to that and try our hardest to show them that, that would never happen, but they won't even return our texts..and our texts are not mean or aggresive in any way, usually they are along the lines of,
"Hey AF! Just wondering how school is going for B and if she is looking forward to halloween? Hope your having a great week! -DH" and still we get no response..and we are scared to keep texting/emailing them because we don't want to push them away, but we are also scared to give them space because we don't want AF to say, "See I told you that you would forget about B after your DD was born!"
The whole situation is really hard, plus AF told BM that he wishes he had never let DH meet with B when she was six, and had never started this, he said that he can't wait for the day when B realizes that DH "didn't want her" so she can finally realize that he isn't this great guy.
AF really struggles with the fact that when DH and I meet with them, that DH is just fun, and plays with B, and we usually bring a litle craft or gift for B as well, wheread AF has to discipline B and be the "bad guy" he doesn't think it is fair that all DH gets to do is play with B. It's like AF wants B to realize that DH gave her up so that B doesn't like DH..the whole situation is hard. Especially the part about them not telling B that DD is her half-sister. Ugh..but thanks for letting me vent, not very many other people understand what we are going through, we do see a counselor about it, but don't get in to see her very often due to our schedules. So thank you!
Could you contact BM and say no more gifts. no more crafts..just time..I do understand the point of AF being the tough one and your DH being the "fun" one..Maybe just time together..a lunch or a snack at the park or at their house? with her toys and her stuff?
Hugs for your continued effort! Hang in there. It is an adjustment for all
I'm sorry this is getting so long, but I was hoping if there are any people who have been adopted on this board, maybe they can give me and DH some insight from your perspective, and how you felt about wanting to know your biological family.
There wasn't a single day that went by that I didn't wonder what my biological family looked like, what family background they were, who I looked like, and why they gave me away. It was an emotional roller-coaster. I had no photos of them, I wasn't allowed to know their names, I didn't know a single thing about them. It was a longing I had for many years and in part it helped form who I am today. When I turned 18, I accessed my adoption records but of course they still didn't tell me much. Even my adoptive parents names were censored...which I found laughable. As if I didn't know their names! lol. I eventually had to hire a private investigator. Would it have been better to know who they were as a child? I'm not really sure....I mean I wanted to - but I can't say if it would have really helped my development or hindered it. The one piece of advice I have for you is this - write down everything. Take photos of everything. Any communication you have with her birthmom, save it. Write the child letters about how you and DH feel about not being part of her life, and save them for her. Keep a diary for her, just like she's right there and your talking to her. One day when she comes looking (and she will) she will need that reassurance of how much she meant/means to your family. It will truly help her come to terms with her life. I know it helped me more than anything to see how much my biodad wanted to keep me and fought to do so. He saved a lot of things and kept them for me. In those days it wasn't up to the man, the woman had total control over the adoption process, especially if they were not married and his name wasn't on the birth certificate.