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December 2012 Moms
Strained Mother-Daughter Relationship
My mother and I's relationship seems to be getting worse and worse. I barely call her anymore and she calls me maybe once everyother week. I am just so frustrated with where our conversations go. She never, ever asks me how I am feeling or how anything is going with baby or shows interest in DD's life. Don't get me wrong, she loves DD and wants to watch her when DH and I have plans, but she just doesnt show interest in our life.
When I talk to her it is constantly about my younger brothers (they are 20 and 16) and what they are doing and how awesome they are. Or she goes on and on about herself. I sit on the phone in silence, just because this is EVERY CONVERSATION! She is in extreme debt and has made no effort to fix her situation by using her money wisely. Today she says "what are you getting your brothers for Christmas?". I said well, I was hoping we can end the gift buying for us siblings... I am going to have 2 kids now. Then proceeds to tell me that "going crazy" on my kids is dumb because they are little.
She makes me feel like I have to buy her and my brothers things because she cant afford them. It's been getting worse and worse. My brothers car was broken into and she talked me into putting his purchases to replace these things on my credit card. He has made one payment and no one has mentioned when I will receive the next.
I just feel like she is super selfish and I just can't talk to her about anything. When I mention anything about myself or what we did over the weekend, I can tell she is tuning me out and not listening. There is always a dead silence and I have to ask is she is still there.
I'm just venting and curious if anyone else has a strained relationship with there mother. My MIL has been wonderful. Always asks how I am doing, what I still need for DD and baby on they way.... How is the room coming along, etc...
I just wish my own mother cared as much as well.
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Re: Strained Mother-Daughter Relationship
hhmm... I never thought about it like that. It's true I am stable financially and in my marriage. I live pretty much a drama free life when it comes to that.
I know she is going through a ton of things financially, in her marriage, and with her younger kids... I guess I am more upset about her behavior about it all. It's all poor me with her.
But I will keep this in mind. Thanks!
I have a similar, but probably even worse relationship with my mother. She has made some extremely poor choices in her life and refuses to take any responsibility for where she has ended up. She is also extremely selfish and manipulative. No matter what is going on in our lives, she has to find a way to make it about her.
For example, my brother had a bad fall and suffered an extremely serious head injury last spring. He had to be life flighted from Mexico, where the accident happened, to San Diego or he likely would have died. The whole family went to be with him and my SIL at the hospital. The entire time, she complained that no one wanted to "hang out with her". Really lady? Your son is lying in a hospital and may not make it and you are worried about yourself? Anyway, my brothers and I tried to help her over and over again through the years, but it got to the point that we have all just pretty much washed our hands of her. We still talk to her, but it is very arms length. We refuse to let her take advantage of us anymore or to manipulate us the way it sounds like your mother is trying (even unintentionally) to manipulate you.
My advice is to talk to her and let her know how you feel. Like the PP said, she may not realize how she is treating you. I know my own mother still doesn't get it, no matter how many times we have tried to explain it to her. I would try to nip it in the bud now before things go too far and you really start to resent her.
I have/had a similar situation with my mother. I was always the "unwanted" child and my older sibling could do no wrong (despite the fact that she depends on my parents for everything- support financially and emotionally). I thought once I had kids it would be different- she never had any interest in my pregnancy and was only interested in our kids the first week of their lives (despite being very active with my sibling's child). She would only see them when her siblings (my aunts & uncles) came around to show them off. It got to the point where I had to end the relationship. It was hurtful to me growing up being ignore and wondering what was wrong with me, I certainly wasn't going to have my children go through that either. She never would interact with us and rarely interacted with our kids (again despite the fact that she's very active with my sibling and her child).
I am at peace with my decision (its been years since we've talked and she doesn't care about it). I've realized that the family I came from isn't as important as the family DH & I are creating. Grandparents are bonus not a requirement and frankly my kids are not missing out on any relationship with her.
I can relate. My mom went off the deep end when I was 14 years old, when my parents were getting a divorce. My dad had moved out of state for work, and my mom wanted to relive her early 20's, and basically took off for a year - I can remember getting rides to/from cheerleading, food, and basic necessities were pretty tough for the first few years in highschool. I was always so sad that I was the only one without a mom at any of my activities. She's been relatively uninvolved in my life ever since. It used to tear me up, and I tried so hard to get her to be interested, I finally simply let go. After my 2nd son (age 30) I just didn't want to be disappointed anymore, I knew I couldn't rely on her, and I had finally gotten over it. I'm now 36, pregnant with my 3rd, and am at peace with our relationship. I just learned to rely on my In-laws, and I have a great dad. I'm actually much happier taking her for what she is - and having zero expectations. For example when I have this baby I'm not going to attempt to ask her for help, in fact it's so much easier without her. She came after my first 2, and was kind of a pain, I would just rather ask my MIL. She can visit the baby, but not for a month after she's born, when I am ready to deal with her along with my 3 kids.
I don't know if that is helpful, but I think just focusing on your own family is the way to go!
All very helpfulstatements/experiences. Mother-daughter relationships are so hard and have so many ups and downs. It is a total roller coaster.
I am just amazed at how difficult they are. I always thought things were supposed to be better as you got older and you were supposed to grow closer with your mother. I guess not in everyones case. : (
I haven't actually heard my mom's voice since my son's 1st bday party, on 8/25. We're not fighting, everything is fine, she has texted me twice to ask a random question here or there, and she continues to "like" my posts on FB and write glowing "Oh, i love him soooo much" comments re: pics of my son there. But she hasn't called or asked (via another media) how I feel. She has no idea when my last baby appts were, etc. She really believes in her heart she adores me, my son, my son-to-be, I'm sure...but in reality, she just cares too too much about herself. It sort of breaks my heart. And yes, I could call her, but I don't b/c a few years ago she and I went out to lunch for Mother's Day...it was such an awful, awful lunch, during which she just talked about herself so much with absolutely zero interest in me or my life...I came back home after, and started doing some research online into selfish mothers...and I came across this: https://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
I sat and read and cried and cried and cried...
Decided I'd just see if I never called her again, if she would ever EVER call me. And she has maybe called me 10 times total ever since (in years).
For my baby shower, she texted me 2 hours before it was to start and told me she was uncomfortable driving in the rain, so she wasn't going to make it. It was barely drizzling.
She DOTED on my son at his bday party, and my best friend's mother even commented how she seems to really be enjoying being a grandmother! But she hasn't called since, and Thursday will be 2 months. She has no idea what words my son is now saying, has never seen him walk...it's sad, really.
I could go on and on...but yeah, our relationship is pretty much like that of an acquaintance from high school...not a mother-daughter.
It's so nice that you have such a nice relationship with your MIL. I always tell my H how sad it is that given the relationship I have with my own mom that I can't have a better one at least with his mom, but she is pretty cold and awkward (she tries, and is much more involved with my son, and I love her for that...but she lacks the warmth to really form a close bond with ANYone who isn't her own daughter, I think). Anyway, I can relate. It's tough. And I wonder if some of the things in that website above might apply to you? If so, I have some additional resources. It sucks b/c if you think your mom is a narcissist, you basically have to accept that she'll never, ever change, which is hard. But it has also made it easier for me to not constantly try try try to get from her something she is wholey incapable of ever giving.
I completely see where you are coming from. I too learned I have to just focus on my little family and not be concerned with her crap. As a result, I have distanced myself from my mom too a bit. I just tell myself that at the end of the day it me, DH and DD and we are very, very happy. I need to continually remind myself of theis when I talk to her. Since my post resulted from a conversation with her this morning.
Good luck! and hugs to you.
Thanks for the link. I will be reading this today for sure. I was actually googling "strained mother-daughter" relationships before I posted this. So this is great.
I read a little about knowing you can't change her, but change how I deal and react to her.
Thank you!
I would be upset to so I definitely don't blame you. I think sometimes by being the responsible child things get put on you more than they should. I am definitely treated differently than my siblings and I think it's because I have not needed things from my parents as much.
My relationship with my mom has been strained as long as I can remember actually. She had my older brother and sister with her first husband, and then had me and my little brother with our father (husband #2) when she was 42 and 45, respectively. By the time that we were in grade school, her sister and a lot of her friends were retiring with an empty house -- I honestly think that she just didn't want to be a parent to pre-teens anymore at that point. So, despite being a SAHM, she didn't do anything "mom-ish." Everything was always hectic and a mess, because she wasn't interested in being organized when it came to our stuff and really didn't care to be involved. We lived in an active community and often parents would come watch various things, and she'd be the one that would show up (often late) and pick me up without getting out of the car. In a lot of ways, I was jealous of the other moms that were involved. My dad tried to pick up the slack, but working full time as the sole breadwinner, he couldn't always be both mom and dad.
When my parents divorced my freshman year of college, it got worse - She sat us down and told us all of the reasons that she filed, and more or less wanted us to pick sides. I don't blame her for wanting a divorce (my parents would fight all the time), but she didn't need to show us various emails that she'd printed off that were proof of an alledged affair (which to this day, I don't believe was anything more than two coworkers having lunch together periodically). I got stability in a very unhappy situation from my dad (as I had much of my life), and we're still a lot closer.
She continues to make (in my opinion) questionable decisions -- She went literally years without seeing my brother's children (her grandchildren). They lived with their mother and my brother was a mess, so it probably wasn't entirely her fault, but she could have visited them too since they were only 3 hours away. Not surprisingly, they don't feel any attachment towards her and only visit occasionally. She'll often comment about them and how ungrateful they are for not giving her more love and attention in her old age. She only sees me once a year at this point because that's all I'm willing to go home (if she's not going to make the effort, why should I use the bulk of my vacation time on her?), but then sends emails about how horribly she's doing and how she won't be around much longer, and that I should come to see her more. She'll also bring up how she really likes this and that of ours, and then will be quite sad when it's out of her budget ("I really like that desk, where did you get it?" "Pottery Barn." "How much was it?" "Um, it's still in the catelog, let me look.... $750." "Oh. I can't afford that. Sure would be nice in my house though..."). I think that it's her way of suggesting that we buy it for her, but we have our own expenses and saved for ours -- It's not like we've got huge savings accounts where I could just have one show up at her door step.
I'm often sad for our relationship -- I see my friends with their moms, or read about how some ladies on here are close enough that they want their moms there for the birth, and feel bad that I don't want her there at all (not just indifference, actually would hate to have her there). But, I've learned to feel better about it lately. It did bug me a little that she missed our baby shower on Saturday, but what can I do?
I guess I'm not much help, but wanted you to know that you're not alone.
I definitely agree with this statement. My relationship with my entire family is pretty unstable at times. We talked and whatnot now but there was a period of about three years I did not speak with my real dad at all for various reasons and I went through the same thing with my mom for about a year because of her behavior.
If it bothers you about how the conversations are and how she behaviors then just talk to her about it. I had to have that same type of conversation with both of my parents before they realized how I felt. I had to tell my parents what exactly I wanted from our relationship. I know for my dad it was hard for him to realize that I was an adult and not a kid so he did not know how to handle conversations with me anymore.
Not much advice to give, just wanted to say that I'm sorry about your relationship with your mom. DH has a really rocky relationship with his family, so I know how deeply it can affect your life and even your marriage.
On a side note, I would definitely stop with the money with them. There is no reason for you to pay for your brothers things and not your mom. You have your own family now and they shouldn't expect it. Also, I have two siblings as well and we swap names for Christmas gifts. My brother buys for dh, I buy for my sister, etc. That way we spend less money on gifts for us and can focus more on our children. I don't think that is unreasonable at all! Oh, we also only spend $20-25 max per adult. It still adds up b/c our family is getting larger, but it helps a lot too! GL
I to have a very very very very strained relationship with my mother.
Our family is whats important now. Sounds like she is being selfish to me. My mother hasnt even called me but 5 times my whole pregnancy . She only calls me for money even before I was expecting.
I didnt even invite her to my shower as she just stresses me out .
I think we need to concentrate on our new lives and move on ,hope they come around ...