Riddle me this

becasmeca · October 2012

Bo was born..Every week my MIL would call and check up on him and sometimes she would ask to take him for a few hours.

At 9.5 months we move into the basement. NOT ONCE did she ask to take Bo for a few hours or sit and play with him...read to him.. nada. WAIT! One friday she told me she was taking him swimming with her girlfriend, but then her girl friend backed out so she did too.. Sorry Bo! It sent me through the roof.

Before we moved out she told me she wanted to have one day with Bo a week.. Okay? So if before we took over the basement you only spent a few hours a week with him...then we lived here and you never spent any time with him alone.. now you want a day? Okay; my H and I have agreed to never deny them a relationship with Bowen...but we will not be pushing for it either.

So she wants Tuesday... well I take Bo to book babies on Tuesday mornings and MIL works.. so look who wants to have Bo for "the day", but it will be only a few hours...Is this as confusing to anyone other than me?

I feel like I want to scream. It is my job to protect Bo.. and I feel like the patterns of their grandparent-grandson relationship is ambivalent. I do not want Bo to be a 2 hour fix for them so she can say she is in his life. But I do not want to keep him from her either. To me, the proof is in the pudding. we were there for 18.5 weeks and NOT ONCE did she spend any alone time with him. WHY NOW? and what do I do?

Marion&Kit · October 2012

I'm not sure what relationship you had with your grandparents, but that's....pretty normal for my family. I was very close with my Grandma, but she never babysat or spent alone time with us, we just went to visit once a week for a few hours.

vnstacie · October 2012

Growing up we spent every Sunday at my grandmothers house, but we also spent the night at her house on occasion.

Do you think that MIL would maybe go for a lunch date? Start easy like a public place and go from there.

becasmeca · October 2012

Marion&Kit:
I'm not sure what relationship you had with your grandparents, but that's....pretty normal for my family. I was very close with my Grandma, but she never babysat or spent alone time with us, we just went to visit once a week for a few hours.

Thank you for bringing me back to earth.

I did not have grandparents which could be why I am having a hard time with this.

Ms5586 · October 2012

It really does depend on the family dynamic, and to what level of involvement they want. My grandma was about an hour away, and we would visit every other week or so for the day, sometimes staying overnight, but she didn't babysit me. My paternal grandma would babysit us when my parents went away (weekends away, not just for a date night).

DH grew up living about 200 yards from his grandparents, and they did everything under the sun, it was like having a second house.

I do think it's odd that while you were living there she didn't take any special time with Bo, but at least she's attempting. Maybe she was trying to give you as much space and autonomy as possible while you were there?

covertxxamour · October 2012

For me, this doesn't seem normal. But like MK said, I guess it depends on how you were with your family. My brother, cousins and I would spend every single weekend at my maternal grandparents house. Friday night through Sunday afternoon she would have a house full of kids. My parents take M overnight every chance they get. My in laws on the other hand see Her maybe once every two weeks, and she's never been alone with them. They would rather be at the bar. I figure oh well.

becasmeca · October 2012

Ms5586:

Maybe she was trying to give you as much space and autonomy as possible while you were there?

This is exactly what I thought! Like she did not want to step on my toes.. Their perception is that we are too protective of Bo and never let him out of our sight. When really they never ask to have him out of our sight! I feel like it is a double edge sword here; I want Bo to have a relationship...but I do not want them to be the here today gone tomorrow type of people they have been to me towards him.. does this make sense?

solsburyhill · October 2012

Hmmm,

I'm trying really hard lately to accept people for who they are and not judge them, no matter how differently they do things from me. And if I find myself heading down a path of hateful thoughts, I say a prayer instead.

It's your job to protect Bo, but does he need protection from 2 hours with his Grandma? She loves him and wants to spend time with him. It's not the way you think she should spend time with him, but its the way she is choosing to live out grandmotherhood.

So here's what you do:

1. stop analyzing her actions from while you were living with her - that's in the past, move on. Plus you can't control her actions so all you do is drive yourself crazy trying to figure out WHY she does things that way.

2. let her take him and you spend those 2 hours doing something for you like exercising, reading a book, meditating, something positive for yourself.

becasmeca · October 2012

solsburyhill:
Hmmm,
I'm trying really hard lately to accept people for who they are and not judge them, no matter how differently they do things from me.nbsp; And if I find myself heading down a path of hateful thoughts, I say a prayer instead.
It's your job to protect Bo, but does he need protection from 2 hours with his Grandma?nbsp; She loves him and wants to spend time with him.nbsp; It's not the way you think she should spend time with him, but its the way she is choosing to live out grandmotherhood.nbsp;
So here's what you do:
1. stop analyzing her actions from while you were living with her that's in the past, move on.nbsp; Plus you can't control her actions so all you do is drive yourself crazy trying to figure out WHY she does things that way.
2. let her take him and you spend those 2 hours doing something for you like exercising, reading a book, meditating, something positive for yourself.

I needed to hear this!!!
You are absolutely right. He does need to be protect from two hours. We are his main support system and I should let her be however she wants to be. Now if in 10 years Bowen notices the dichotomy between he and the other grandson then possible protection may be needed. For now. I will let her do her and spend what she wants with Bo!

I should add! She called this morning NOT to get Bo!
Haha she wanted him on Sunday when we have plans hmmmmm? No judgement here. I am just sayin!

I love what you said. Accept people for who thery are. I can do this with everyone else. It is just with MIL I have a hard time with.

solsburyhill · October 2012

becasmeca:
solsburyhill:
Hmmm, I'm trying really hard lately to accept people for who they are and not judge them, no matter how differently they do things from me.nbsp; And if I find myself heading down a path of hateful thoughts, I say a prayer instead. It's your job to protect Bo, but does he need protection from 2 hours with his Grandma?nbsp; She loves him and wants to spend time with him.nbsp; It's not the way you think she should spend time with him, but its the way she is choosing to live out grandmotherhood.nbsp; So here's what you do: 1. stop analyzing her actions from while you were living with her that's in the past, move on.nbsp; Plus you can't control her actions so all you do is drive yourself crazy trying to figure out WHY she does things that way. 2. let her take him and you spend those 2 hours doing something for you like exercising, reading a book, meditating, something positive for yourself.
I needed to hear this!!! You are absolutely right. He does need to be protect from two hours. We are his main support system and I should let her be however she wants to be. Now if in 10 years Bowen notices the dichotomy between he and the other grandson then possible protection may be needed. For now. I will let her do her and spend what she wants with Bo! I should add! She called this morning NOT to get Bo! Haha she wanted him on Sunday when we have plans hmmmmm? No judgement here. I am just sayin! I love what you said. Accept people for who thery are. I can do this with everyone else. It is just with MIL I have a hard time with.

I can't seem to accept my dad for who he is either so I understand : )

hoot179 · October 2012

I totally feel ya! I'm baffled by the relationship w my mil also. she b!tches about not seeing Owen but never comes to see him. we are expected to go there. she doesn't work...she is the one w free time. the worst part is, she takes my 2yo nephew a few times a week just because she wants to. good luck...try not to take it to heart.

becasmeca · October 2012

hoot179:
I totally feel ya! I'm baffled by the relationship w my mil also. she b!tches about not seeing Owen but never comes to see him. we are expected to go there. she doesn't work...she is the one w free time. the worst part is, she takes my 2yo nephew a few times a week just because she wants to. good luck...try not to take it to heart.

Wow. Same exact situation here. She works 2 to 4 hours a week and the other time she relaxes or helps my BIL with his 19 month son.
A friend asked what would "better" look like in this situation? Truthfully, I don't really want her as involved with Bo as she is with her other grandson. There is so much bad blood between the two of us wrapped in my passive smiles and appeasing behavior. I have never wanted to rock the boat! Now. I feel just confused with who she is as a person and grandmother.
This goes back to what solos and I were talking about not accepting our parental figures for who they are! They should be acting in completely different ways but do not! Hard to choke down!

Haha FAMILY PROBLEMS!

hoot179 · October 2012

becasmeca:
hoot179:
I totally feel ya! I'm baffled by the relationship w my mil also. she b!tches about not seeing Owen but never comes to see him. we are expected to go there. she doesn't work...she is the one w free time. the worst part is, she takes my 2yo nephew a few times a week just because she wants to. good luck...try not to take it to heart.
Wow. Same exact situation here. She works 2 to 4 hours a week and the other time she relaxes or helps my BIL with his 19 month son. A friend asked what would "better" look like in this situation? Truthfully, I don't really want her as involved with Bo as she is with her other grandson. There is so much bad blood between the two of us wrapped in my passive smiles and appeasing behavior. I have never wanted to rock the boat! Now. I feel just confused with who she is as a person and grandmother. This goes back to what solos and I were talking about not accepting our parental figures for who they are! They should be acting in completely different ways but do not! Hard to choke down! Haha FAMILY PROBLEMS!

its tough. I feel like she definitely has a "favorite", which may be petty of me. but I'm positive she has a favorite son...who happens to be that nephews father. i need to get over it. I try to think, LO will recognize this on his own someday. thank god H is in my corner, or else I might lose it.

becasmeca · October 2012

hoot179:
becasmeca:
hoot179:
I totally feel ya! I'm baffled by the relationship w my mil also. she b!tches about not seeing Owen but never comes to see him. we are expected to go there. she doesn't work...she is the one w free time. the worst part is, she takes my 2yo nephew a few times a week just because she wants to. good luck...try not to take it to heart.
Wow. Same exact situation here. She works 2 to 4 hours a week and the other time she relaxes or helps my BIL with his 19 month son. A friend asked what would "better" look like in this situation? Truthfully, I don't really want her as involved with Bo as she is with her other grandson. There is so much bad blood between the two of us wrapped in my passive smiles and appeasing behavior. I have never wanted to rock the boat! Now. I feel just confused with who she is as a person and grandmother. This goes back to what solos and I were talking about not accepting our parental figures for who they are! They should be acting in completely different ways but do not! Hard to choke down! Haha FAMILY PROBLEMS!
its tough. I feel like she definitely has a "favorite", which may be petty of me. but I'm positive she has a favorite son...who happens to be that nephews father. i need to get over it. I try to think, LO will recognize this on his own someday. thank god H is in my corner, or else I might lose it.

UGH! How are we just finding out about our similar inlaws today? Haha! My MIL has favorites too and neither of them are my H. He is the oldest and reports he has always been treated differently than his brothers. The one with the baby is the yongest and the middle one has a girlfriend with high social status sooooo that leaves my H and me kinda in the dust.

I hope Owen and Bo never have to see the IL situation like we do.. it sucks.

hoot179 · October 2012

becasmeca:
hoot179:
becasmeca:
hoot179:
I totally feel ya! I'm baffled by the relationship w my mil also. she b!tches about not seeing Owen but never comes to see him. we are expected to go there. she doesn't work...she is the one w free time. the worst part is, she takes my 2yo nephew a few times a week just because she wants to. good luck...try not to take it to heart.
Wow. Same exact situation here. She works 2 to 4 hours a week and the other time she relaxes or helps my BIL with his 19 month son. A friend asked what would "better" look like in this situation? Truthfully, I don't really want her as involved with Bo as she is with her other grandson. There is so much bad blood between the two of us wrapped in my passive smiles and appeasing behavior. I have never wanted to rock the boat! Now. I feel just confused with who she is as a person and grandmother. This goes back to what solos and I were talking about not accepting our parental figures for who they are! They should be acting in completely different ways but do not! Hard to choke down! Haha FAMILY PROBLEMS!
its tough. I feel like she definitely has a "favorite", which may be petty of me. but I'm positive she has a favorite son...who happens to be that nephews father. i need to get over it. I try to think, LO will recognize this on his own someday. thank god H is in my corner, or else I might lose it.

UGH! How are we just finding out about our similar inlaws today? Haha! My MIL has favorites too and neither of them are my H. He is the oldest and reports he has always been treated differently than his brothers. The one with the baby is the yongest and the middle one has a girlfriend with high social status sooooo that leaves my H and me kinda in the dust.

I hope Owen and Bo never have to see the IL situation like we do.. it sucks.

Yup, since H isn't favored, neither am I! we are in the same boat! glad i have someone to vent with. I vow to never put Owen in this situation - although H and I say we may keep him to ourselves forever!!! ha.

becasmeca · October 2012

Hoot! You can always come to me Big Smile

My H and I have been together for 10 years...As long as he or myself are doing something to make them look look they are very supportive and involved. If it is just an ordinary day they are not and if they are it is on their terms for what is best for them.

Today when she called I thought it was to arrange a time for Bo to come.. but it was to tell me she is not going to get Bowen because she is sewing some pajamas for her mom??????? Haha... so I asked if Saturday would work? She then told me they had a costume party to go to so that is a no.

Okay.... if you miss your grandson so bad, why can't you take him with you? Jesus take the wheel!!! I wouldn't want him to go with them. I know they will be drinking so it is a blessing BUT! nothing adds up. The words "I want to see Bo" or "We miss him" do not add up to their actions... When I miss someone I spend time with them.

hoot179 · October 2012

becasmeca:
Hoot! You can always come to me

My H and I have been together for 10 years...As long as he or myself are doing something to make them look look they are very supportive and involved. If it is just an ordinary day they are not and if they are it is on their terms for what is best for them.

Today when she called I thought it was to arrange a time for Bo to come.. but it was to tell me she is not going to get Bowen because she is sewing some pajamas for her mom??????? Haha... so I asked if Saturday would work? She then told me they had a costume party to go to so that is a no.

Okay.... if you miss your grandson so bad, why can't you take him with you? Jesus take the wheel!!! I wouldn't want him to go with them. I know they will be drinking so it is a blessing BUT! nothing adds up. The words "I want to see Bo" or "We miss him" do not add up to their actions... When I miss someone I spend time with them.

do you sometimes feel like since you have been together for ten years, she may still look at you like the teen you were when you met? this is how i feel. we just celebrated our eleventh anniversary, i was 16 when we started dating. I think she looks at me like a child, instead of the adult/mother/wife that I am! I think we have the same mil! Haha.

becasmeca · October 2012

hoot179:
becasmeca:
Hoot! You can always come to me

My H and I have been together for 10 years...As long as he or myself are doing something to make them look look they are very supportive and involved. If it is just an ordinary day they are not and if they are it is on their terms for what is best for them.

Today when she called I thought it was to arrange a time for Bo to come.. but it was to tell me she is not going to get Bowen because she is sewing some pajamas for her mom??????? Haha... so I asked if Saturday would work? She then told me they had a costume party to go to so that is a no.

Okay.... if you miss your grandson so bad, why can't you take him with you? Jesus take the wheel!!! I wouldn't want him to go with them. I know they will be drinking so it is a blessing BUT! nothing adds up. The words "I want to see Bo" or "We miss him" do not add up to their actions... When I miss someone I spend time with them.

do you sometimes feel like since you have been together for ten years, she may still look at you like the teen you were when you met? this is how i feel. we just celebrated our eleventh anniversary, i was 16 when we started dating. I think she looks at me like a child, instead of the adult/mother/wife that I am! I think we have the same mil! Haha.

Of course she does!!! And did your mil every "bully" you? I did not have a good home life and I think I cleaved to my H's family because I thought they were the perfect family!!! Fast forward to our freshmen year in college where I feel she bullied me and tried to turn my then boyfriend against me and against my family ::which was already a nightmare::: nothing has gotten better because now I just agree to everything she says and let her be "precious"! I smile, laugh, and will do whatever is easiest for her! Example: my entire wedding!!!!
But with Bowen I will not do this!!! That is why for re first 9.5 months she was a two hour a week grandmother. It hurts in so many ways.
Thank you so much for talking about this!

becasmeca · October 2012

hoot179:
becasmeca:
Hoot! You can always come to me

My H and I have been together for 10 years...As long as he or myself are doing something to make them look look they are very supportive and involved. If it is just an ordinary day they are not and if they are it is on their terms for what is best for them.

Today when she called I thought it was to arrange a time for Bo to come.. but it was to tell me she is not going to get Bowen because she is sewing some pajamas for her mom??????? Haha... so I asked if Saturday would work? She then told me they had a costume party to go to so that is a no.

Okay.... if you miss your grandson so bad, why can't you take him with you? Jesus take the wheel!!! I wouldn't want him to go with them. I know they will be drinking so it is a blessing BUT! nothing adds up. The words "I want to see Bo" or "We miss him" do not add up to their actions... When I miss someone I spend time with them.

do you sometimes feel like since you have been together for ten years, she may still look at you like the teen you were when you met? this is how i feel. we just celebrated our eleventh anniversary, i was 16 when we started dating. I think she looks at me like a child, instead of the adult/mother/wife that I am! I think we have the same mil! Haha.

Of course she does!!! And did your mil every "bully" you? I did not have a good home life and I think I cleaved to my H's family because I thought they were the perfect family!!! Fast forward to our freshmen year in college where I feel she bullied me and tried to turn my then boyfriend against me and against my family ::which was already a nightmare::: nothing has gotten better because now I just agree to everything she says and let her be "precious"! I smile, laugh, and will do whatever is easiest for her! Example: my entire wedding!!!!
But with Bowen I will not do this!!! That is why for re first 9.5 months she was a two hour a week grandmother. It hurts in so many ways.
Thank you so much for talking about this!

hoot179 · October 2012

becasmeca:
hoot179:
becasmeca:
Hoot! You can always come to me

My H and I have been together for 10 years...As long as he or myself are doing something to make them look look they are very supportive and involved. If it is just an ordinary day they are not and if they are it is on their terms for what is best for them.

Today when she called I thought it was to arrange a time for Bo to come.. but it was to tell me she is not going to get Bowen because she is sewing some pajamas for her mom??????? Haha... so I asked if Saturday would work? She then told me they had a costume party to go to so that is a no.

Okay.... if you miss your grandson so bad, why can't you take him with you? Jesus take the wheel!!! I wouldn't want him to go with them. I know they will be drinking so it is a blessing BUT! nothing adds up. The words "I want to see Bo" or "We miss him" do not add up to their actions... When I miss someone I spend time with them.
do you sometimes feel like since you have been together for ten years, she may still look at you like the teen you were when you met? this is how i feel. we just celebrated our eleventh anniversary, i was 16 when we started dating. I think she looks at me like a child, instead of the adult/mother/wife that I am! I think we have the same mil! Haha.
Of course she does!!! And did your mil every "bully" you? I did not have a good home life and I think I cleaved to my H's family because I thought they were the perfect family!!! Fast forward to our freshmen year in college where I feel she bullied me and tried to turn my then boyfriend against me and against my family ::which was already a nightmare::: nothing has gotten better because now I just agree to everything she says and let her be "precious"! I smile, laugh, and will do whatever is easiest for her! Example: my entire wedding!!!! But with Bowen I will not do this!!! That is why for re first 9.5 months she was a two hour a week grandmother. It hurts in so many ways. Thank you so much for talking about this!

she would LOVE to bully me, except in most cases I'm too stuck in my ways. She just clings to who ever makes her feel the most needed (bil). she babies her sons and thrives off of feeling like she is doing you a favor. I try not to let her get that satisfaction from me. mostly since O was born. And I think this has pushed her further away - but I'm not letting her run the show...its our turn, ya know? try not to take your mils relationship w Bo to heart. its only her lose. Bo is a lucky little man with a hell of a solid, loving family! with or without the mil!

hoot179 · October 2012

becasmeca:
hoot179:
becasmeca:
Hoot! You can always come to me

My H and I have been together for 10 years...As long as he or myself are doing something to make them look look they are very supportive and involved. If it is just an ordinary day they are not and if they are it is on their terms for what is best for them.

Today when she called I thought it was to arrange a time for Bo to come.. but it was to tell me she is not going to get Bowen because she is sewing some pajamas for her mom??????? Haha... so I asked if Saturday would work? She then told me they had a costume party to go to so that is a no.

Okay.... if you miss your grandson so bad, why can't you take him with you? Jesus take the wheel!!! I wouldn't want him to go with them. I know they will be drinking so it is a blessing BUT! nothing adds up. The words "I want to see Bo" or "We miss him" do not add up to their actions... When I miss someone I spend time with them.
do you sometimes feel like since you have been together for ten years, she may still look at you like the teen you were when you met? this is how i feel. we just celebrated our eleventh anniversary, i was 16 when we started dating. I think she looks at me like a child, instead of the adult/mother/wife that I am! I think we have the same mil! Haha.
Of course she does!!! And did your mil every "bully" you? I did not have a good home life and I think I cleaved to my H's family because I thought they were the perfect family!!! Fast forward to our freshmen year in college where I feel she bullied me and tried to turn my then boyfriend against me and against my family ::which was already a nightmare::: nothing has gotten better because now I just agree to everything she says and let her be "precious"! I smile, laugh, and will do whatever is easiest for her! Example: my entire wedding!!!! But with Bowen I will not do this!!! That is why for re first 9.5 months she was a two hour a week grandmother. It hurts in so many ways. Thank you so much for talking about this!

she would LOVE to bully me, except in most cases I'm too stuck in my ways. She just clings to who ever makes her feel the most needed (bil). she babies her sons and thrives off of feeling like she is doing you a favor. I try not to let her get that satisfaction from me. mostly since O was born. And I think this has pushed her further away - but I'm not letting her run the show...its our turn, ya know? try not to take your mils relationship w Bo to heart. its only her lose. Bo is a lucky little man with a hell of a solid, loving family! with or without the mil!

tartertots9725 · October 2012

becasmeca:
Marion&Kit:
I'm not sure what relationship you had with your grandparents, but that's....pretty normal for my family. I was very close with my Grandma, but she never babysat or spent alone time with us, we just went to visit once a week for a few hours. 

Thank you for bringing me back to earth.

I did not have grandparents which could be why I am having a hard time with this.

 

I didn't have gparents either. Well, I did but they all died before I really have any memory.

But I'm a similar boat with my ILs. They live a couple hours away but will visit us and BIL up here. It's hard though because they will visit BIL and drink with him but not even stop by to see DS. It hurts so bad that they say they miss him so much but choose alcohol over him. They never come just to see DS. In fact for his bday party they came up the night before to go to ocktoberfest with BIL. They are coming this weekend to drink with him again but won't have time to visit us. It's just so heartbreaking.

Why do grandparents suck sometimes? Wah!

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