Issues with SD....and BM

dawnm975 · October 2012

This week DH took SD's phone away for missing assignments in school (she's 15). We told her after October 3 if there are any more missing assignments there will be a punishment and she currently has 3. SD and I had a talk on Sat because besides the missing assignments she also has an F and two D's. She says she's completely stressed out and that causes her to forget things and not turn in things, which of course also has an affect on her grades. After a lot of talking it's coming down to how she's feeling about herself and she is shutting out others because she doesn't think they want to be friends with her. She has been going to counseling for a few years now and she is also going through some testing with a pyschologist in a few weeks. We discussed some things she could try and she seemed to be feeling much better the past couple days. So, one struggling with how to best help SD and help her realize the wonderful person all of us see and just want her to be able to see that too.

Secondly, BM has just been so irritating. She called DH yesterday and asked about a day off SD has and asked if SD could just text her about it. DH said that he took her phone away, but when he got home would find out the info and let her know. BM flipped out and asked why he would do such a thing and DH explained about her missing assignments/grades. BM said we should not take away her only form of communication (SD can of course still use our phones to call BM). DH was at work so he said he would talk to her later about it. But really - you're questioning us taking her phone away when SD told me at her BM's house when she's punished her phones gone and she's not allowed to go out or attend events. AND you're more concerned about this than even finding out about her assigments/grades??? BM doesn't take interest in SD's school - she doesn't attend conferences, events SD participates in or if she's even somewhat sick, she stays home when she's at BM (which is every other week).

At the beginning of school we also asked SD to put her phone on the charger in the kitchen just before she goes to sleep and she can grab it in the morning when she wakes up. We wanted to make sure she was not using at night; had caught her on FB and with school didn't want any distractions. SD text her mom about it and BM called DH asking why we were doing this. If she's in her room - she should be sleeping at night - so what need does she have for ther cell phone? SD has been very good about doing this every night and we haven't had to remind her about it; just feel everything we do BM is questioning it and it gets old. Neither one of these items are out of line with what other parents do......

CFjo2010 · October 2012

The cell phone rule with my 13 year-old son is that he hands the phone over to me at bedtime and it charges in my room. He gets in back in the morning when we're leaving for school. Ditto with his Kindle Fire. There is nothing wrong with taking away electronics at night to make sure the kids actually go to sleep. We have the same rule regarding grades. I check my son's grades every Monday, and if any assignments are missing, the phone and Kindle are taken away until the following Monday, assuming there are no missing assignments.

School is priority, FB and texting are not priorities. And if BM doesn't like it, too frigging bad.

Holly_1007 · October 2012

your house, your rules. if BM doesn't like it, too bad. stick to your guns with the removal of the cell phone privelages until SD's grades are better.

does she have an organizer or planner? can you take her out to get one? maybe that will help her stay organized and make sure her school work is all done on time.

PastaFanatic2012 · October 2012

When I was helping SD with her schooling, we had her teachers sign off on her homework from each class (she has an IEP but was in mostly mainstream classes), and then we reviewed it when she got home from school and obviously all homework was to be done then. But we were able to tell what she had to do.

FI had full custody of SD so I imagine it would be harder to deal with if you only have her half the time. What about setting up slight rewards for doing the work while she's at her moms? And of course punishment for missing them. But give her an incentive to do it when she's not at your house?

i second sticking with taking away the phone, it sucks that BM is trying to make it harder on you guys but SD at least seems to be respecting your rules. Handing vet the phone, etc.

GL!!

twister22 · October 2012

I guess I'm in the minority, but I would not be happy about SD's cell phone being taken away either. At that age, that is her main form of communication, and she should feel comfortable being able to talk to her mom when she wants too. Just as she should be able to call DH when she is at BM's. I think there are other forms of punishment you can utilize (turning off her data and/or texts on her cell, not letting her attend events, no other electronics, etc.)

I do agree with keeping the phone downstairs in the evening and wanting her to make school a priority though.

lvnlife3184 · October 2012

I don't think its wrong to take the phone away either but if that is the common source of communication between her and BM, it'd probably be best to make BM aware of it so she isn't wondering whey calls or texts aren't being returned. as should she if it is happening at her house too though. obviously she can always contact you guys but to have it all out in the clear it may be easier to make her aware of it. But are these children paying for their phones? If they are not then i see nothing wrong with it being taken away. at that point its a privelage. If they are working and paying for it then i think maybe its a different story. (i'd assume most teenagers are struggling with grades and homework because of the electronics distracting them anymore...)

i really like the idea of the phones/kindles being out of their bedrooms at night. good call moms!!

Question for all you moms also....What is the common age kids are starting to have their own cell phones now? and what kind of plans do you have for the phones for specific ages? are things blocked on them? just wondering for future reference.

CFjo2010 · October 2012

lvnlife3184:

I don't think its wrong to take the phone away either but if that is the common source of communication between her and BM, it'd probably be best to make BM aware of it so she isn't wondering whey calls or texts aren't being returned. as should she if it is happening at her house too though. obviously she can always contact you guys but to have it all out in the clear it may be easier to make her aware of it. But are these children paying for their phones? If they are not then i see nothing wrong with it being taken away. at that point its a privelage. If they are working and paying for it then i think maybe its a different story. (i'd assume most teenagers are struggling with grades and homework because of the electronics distracting them anymore...)

i really like the idea of the phones/kindles being out of their bedrooms at night. good call moms!!

Question for all you moms also....What is the common age kids are starting to have their own cell phones now? and what kind of plans do you have for the phones for specific ages? are things blocked on them? just wondering for future reference.

My son got a phone when he was 12, and it's a basic pay-as-you-go phone. He has unlimited texting on it, but calls are $0.25 a minute and there's no data plan. The only reason I allowed him to have a phone that young was because he was doing football and I couldn't be at the field with him for every practice. If practice was ending early, he would text me and let me know. Plus, he started wanting to walk home from school with his friends so he would text me when he left school and he had 1/2 an hour to be at the house or I would go looking for him.

dawnm975 · October 2012

Thanks for the feedback. SD does have an organizer already, but we talked about going over it every night as a check to make sure everything is complete and turned in. Hoping this will help her get back on track. We're thinking about what incentives/punishments are most appropriate for her yet....

SD's phone is mainly for texting/games. We would never stop her from communication with her mom. 99% of the time she asks to use DH or my phone to call her mom anyways and did say that we took the phone away that didn't include talking to her mom. That was the ironic part though because BM has taken her phone away for punishment. If SD doesn't answer her phone, DH just call BM's phone and talks to her.

Regarding the phone question; SD got a phone last year at the age of 14 with a few hundred minutes of talking and unlimited texting. If the choice was completely with DH and I she wouldn't have her "own" phone until she started driving.

+just+j+ · October 2012

Before cell phones, children of divorced parents communicated just fine with one or two phones in the home that everyone shared. I'm sure your SD will survive. Just as my SD did when we took her phone away for bad behavior. And BM will too.

Screw BM. You have custody for a reason. It shouldn't even be a discussion with her.

lily_721 · October 2012

We do the same with my SSs. They give us their phones at night. We had to start doing this because BM was calling/texting them at all hours, waking them up, etc. When they are missing assignments, they lose all electronics for one day for each missing/late assignment. They can still speak with BM, they can use one of our phones (she doesn't want us to have her phone # so she tells them not to call her -- whatever).

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