How would you have handled this situation w/ MIL?

Sunflower7777 · October 2012

It's a minor thing, but it got under my skin. So I wonder how others would have reacted.

Here's the situation: IL's help us out a lot. (Babysitting, fixer-upper projects around the house, etc.) Saturday morning FIL was scheduled to come over to help DH winterize the sprinkler system. MIL & FIL showed up at our door at 7:30 am (the appointed time, but it was supposed to just be FIL - he and DH were going out to breakfast first). MIL brought a half dozen pumpkin donuts.

Ok, nice surprise. I'm still in my PJs and the boys (they're 6 and 3) were watching cartoons and thrilled with donuts. So each of my boys have one, and I move to set the box to the side and MIL goes, "Oh, don't put that away, I want another one." (I was purposefully setting it out of sight because I know my 3 y.o., and he would try to eat as much of the box if I let him.)

So I leave the box where it is, and 3 y.o. finishes his first donut and wants another. I say no. MIL looks at me and goes, "I bought enough so they could each have 2. You should just let him have it."

And then I'm just irritated that she's arguing with me in front of my kids.

My 3 y.o. starts wailing about the second donut. MIL looks at me and goes, "You've got to pick your battles, this one is not worth it."

WTF? At that point, I didn't have much of a choice, because 3 y.o. was melting down and it was going to turn into a big "thing" with MIL if I continued to say no.

Do you think MIL overstepped her bounds? How would you have handled it? I swear, I think MIL thinks I'm a food nazi, but I don't want my kids starting their day off with TWO donuts. It's a enough of a battle through the rest of the day.

[Deleted User] · October 2012

It's a treat, so I would have let my kid have a second donut. Maybe put some bananas out too or sumshit.

Also, I'd thank MIL for coming over to watch the kids so I could run errands. Then I leave as quickly as possible & let her deal with the sugar train-wreck. First-hand knowledge & experience are priceless. Wink

ginamcp · October 2012

I think that I would have been annoyed too. Your MIL has already raised children and gotten to pick her battles and now you are raising your children and picking your own battles. I think I would have likely reacted the same way as you did and if the issue came up again would say something like "I appreciate you getting enough donuts for the boys to each have 2 but I prefer they only have one this morning. I will save the other 2 so they can have one tomorrow as well".

EastCoastBride · October 2012

mbenit4:

If this is a once in a while treat, I would have let them have it and not cared. Who eats just one doughnut?

If she does this type of thing all the time then you need to address it.

This. One time, I'd let it go. But if it is a regular issue, then that would change my opinion.

ridesbuttons · October 2012

Meh. 2 donuts for breakfast once in a blue moon would not phase me at this point.

Now, my MIL once tried to give my 15 month old diet coke because 'he looked thirsty'. I told her that he could have water. She looked at me like I had 2 heads. WTF?

My kids are near the same age. A couple of donuts in exchange for plenty of help? NBD.

HElizabethDU · October 2012

It isn't cool how she talked to you about it with your kids right there, but I would have let them have another. In the long run are a couple donuts on the weekend going to hurt them, no. If they did something bad, then maybe not letting them have another, but since they didn't do anything wrong, I don't see the harm.

Sunflower7777 · October 2012

I think what got me is she *knew* what I was trying to do when I moved the box, and she clearly wanted to override me.

{sigh} Ok, I see what you all are saying and I'll chalk it up to grandmotherly privilege. Only so many of those passes a year though, Grandma!

LadyXaverian · October 2012

HElizabethDU:
It isn't cool how she talked to you about it with your kids right there, but I would have let them have another. In the long run are a couple donuts on the weekend going to hurt them, no. If they did something bad, then maybe not letting them have another, but since they didn't do anything wrong, I don't see the harm.

This is where I'm at. She doesn't get to tell you what battles to pick. The 2 donuts are nbd but undermining me in front of my kid is a no-no.

stdldb29 · October 2012

My mom does this ALL the time when we visit (which isn't that often), after pajamas are on she will ask if they want a cookie or something---I always tell them no, and that we don't do snacks before bed. My kids know that it is my rule and I really don't care if they throw a fit over a cookie. My mom always starts crying because I say no and the kids get upset---yet she does it nearly every time.

stdldb29 · October 2012

Sunflower7777:
I think what got me is she *knew* what I was trying to do when I moved the box, and she clearly wanted to override me.
{sigh} Ok, I see what you all are saying and I'll chalk it up to grandmotherly privilege. Only so many of those passes a year though, Grandma!

Stand your ground next time. Next time it will be something else. I have no patience for people who tell you how to parent.

Sunflower7777 · October 2012

Scout2005:
I would just be firm at that instant and say "well, I'm picking THIS battle, and he's not getting another donut. Thank you for bringing them, but one is enough."

I like this.

klondikebar · October 2012

HElizabethDU:
It isn't cool how she talked to you about it with your kids right there, but I would have let them have another. In the long run are a couple donuts on the weekend going to hurt them, no. If they did something bad, then maybe not letting them have another, but since they didn't do anything wrong, I don't see the harm.

I agree with this. If it is a constant issue though, I can see becoming a little irritated.

pepomntpat · October 2012

I would have let my DD have a second donut and so it would not have been an issue. However, once you said no your MIL should have backed you up. I don't care if you are unreasonable or not. Those are your children and she was out of line to talk to you that way in front of your children.

That's a side bar moment. She could have said, "Can I talk to you privately for a minute." And then told you she really wanted them to have a treat. Then you could have changed your mind or not without looking evil.

Smootchy · October 2012

I'm mostly annoyed that she brought 6. 2 for each if your kids, she had 2... That's 6. What a hor for not bringing more! Did you not get any?

...not cool that she "over stepped" you. But really nbd if it just happened once. If this is how she always acts and talks to you, especially in front of your kids, that's a problem

Unknown · October 2012

This content has been removed.

klondikebar · October 2012

chapski:
I'm mostly annoyed that she brought 6. 2 for each if your kids, she had 2... That's 6. What a hor for not bringing more! Did you not get any? ...not cool that she "over stepped" you. But really nbd if it just happened once. If this is how she always acts and talks to you, especially in front of your kids, that's a problem

LOL I like the way you think!

mom2pottamus · October 2012

I don't want to be told which battles to pick and I wouldn't want my hyper 3 yo eating two donuts. So my go to is "no more donuts right now, but since granny was nice enough to bring two you can have the other one after lunch".

Can you tell I have been there?

OhSewCrafty · October 2012

sofamonkey:
It's a treat, so I would have let my kid have a second donut. Maybe put some bananas out too or sumshit.

Also, I'd thank MIL for coming over to watch the kids so I could run errands. Then I leave as quickly as possible & let her deal with the sugar train-wreck. First-hand knowledge & experience are priceless.

I love this answer. Hahaha

ASmallWonder · October 2012

stdldb29:
My mom does this ALL the time when we visit (which isn't that often), after pajamas are on she will ask if they want a cookie or something---I always tell them no, and that we don't do snacks before bed. My kids know that it is my rule and I really don't care if they throw a fit over a cookie. My mom always starts crying because I say no and the kids get upset---yet she does it nearly every time.

Hold up. Your mother CRIES when you tell your children no? Sorry, OP, you've gotten all sorts of good advice so I've got to focus on this one. I would have zero tolerance for that childish asss ***. I really can't get over a grown woman crying over this. smh

shopgirl78 · October 2012

I'd be pissed she didn't purchase any donuts for me! 2 for her, 2 for 2 kids and...WTF...

I would have let them have two donuts, so it would have been a non-issue for me & MIL, though I agree, I don't like how she talked to you.

NotSharknado · October 2012

I agree on letting it slide, but in your defense, there was no battle to be picked until she created it. So her saying pick your battles would have bugged the shiit out of me.

sharksfan · October 2012

shanado:
I agree on letting it slide, but in your defense, there was no battle to be picked until she created it. So her saying pick your battles would have bugged the shiit out of me.

I agree. If it were me (and I tend to get a little snarky with MIL), I would have said something along the lines of this: "You're right, the number of donuts LO gets in the morning isn't a battle worth fighting right now. However, allowing you to tell me how to raise my children is something that I'm not ok with. And THAT a battle that I'm definitely going to choose. LO can have the 2nd donut tomorrow morning."

CoffeeBeen · October 2012

I agree with scout, the number of donuts is not the issue. You have every right to limit your child to one donut a morning.

Your MIL picked a battle, she chose to contradict your parenting decisions in front of your kids over a donut. Even if she disagreed, she should have backed off and let you make the call.

I probably would have smiled and nodded and let it happen because MIL only visits a few times a year. Sincen your MIL is local I think you need to be more firm. If this sort of thing comes up frequently then you or DH should remind her that you're the parents and tell her something like you would appreciate it if she supported your parenting decisions in front of the kids so that you present a unified front.

Littledeer84 · October 2012

Scout2005:
The thing is, everyone, it's not about the donut. I would have let my kid have the second one too, that is if I hadn't eaten it already. The issue here is grandma being a condescendingnbsp; buttinsky and correcting OP in front of her kids. That's not okay.People don't have to understand your rules, and they can be mentally rolling their eyes at you, and that's fine. They don't have to get it. They do have to respect it. You know?nbsp;

ITA

stdldb29 · October 2012

elmoali:
stdldb29:
My mom does this ALL the time when we visit (which isn't that often), after pajamas are on she will ask if they want a cookie or something---I always tell them no, and that we don't do snacks before bed. My kids know that it is my rule and I really don't care if they throw a fit over a cookie. My mom always starts crying because I say no and the kids get upset---yet she does it nearly every time.
Hold up. Your mother CRIES when you tell your children no? Sorry, OP, you've gotten all sorts of good advice so I've got to focus on this one. I would have zero tolerance for that childish asss ***. I really can't get over a grown woman crying over this. smh

ETA: She did this recently with rock candy, she told the kids they could have it after dinner (it was already past their bedtime because her flight was delayed). I said no, there wont be time...so she started getting upset.

Yep, because she feels like she "promised" them something and then can't give it to them. She also does this when I tell her we dont have time to read them a bedtime story (because it is WAY past their bedtime) and she had already told them she would. Drives me up the wall.

changingnames · October 2012

I probably would have told ds that we don't eat two donuts for breakfast but if he is still hungry he can have xyz insert healthy treat. Then I would have told him he could earn the second donut with good behavior the rest of the day and have it after dinner or whenever, that way at least they would be spread apart. Mil can suck it. My dh is a food nazi though so I can always blame that stuff on him. He wants me to make all organic versions of the food they serve at school and send them so the kids can have the same things they are serving to the class but our kids get organic. Yikes!

MesmrEwe · October 2012

pepomntpat:

I would have let my DD have a second donut and so it would not have been an issue. However, once you said no your MIL should have backed you up. I don't care if you are unreasonable or not. Those are your children and she was out of line to talk to you that way in front of your children.

This.. It'd been one thing if you were at her house vs. your house. Your house, your rules, hers - what happens at GM's stays at GM's!!

Next time you need to nip something like this in the bud "You can have another donut if you have a piece of fruit first!" (usually they'll fill up on the piece of fruit if they do take you up on the deal).. The only thing I'm conflicted about here is depending on the donuts they might actually be pretty healthy if they're more of a homemade type donut given that pumpkin is a pretty healthy thing to eat.

Singingmama · October 2012

I would've just let this one go, but I still would've been bothered by the whole situation. However, my MIL thinks that the moment she walks into my house, all of my rules fly out the window. She's even said to my daughter, "Mommy sucks, grandma is the best", which just about put me over the edge. I have so many battles that I feel are necessary to fight with over (as they put my daughter's physical safety at risk) that I've given up on the food battles. My daughter's not a big eater, so the calories from two pumpkin donuts (although empty, I know) would'nt be the worst way for her to start out the day.

I sympathize with you 100% because I know exactly what it's like to have someone come into your house and sabotage your efforts to be a responsible parent.

MammaBear81 · October 2012

It's not the fact that it's two donuts that would bother me, it's the direct undermining of your parenting that would have set me over the edge. After you said no more "I bought enough for them to have two" (I would have responded with "then he can have the other one later" but hind sight is 20/20 right?!) and then in front of your child saying "you have to pick your battles, this one isn't worth it"- number one, I personally don't pick my battles, but if I did, I wouldn't want my 3 and 6 year old to know that! - Number 2, if I did pick my battles, maybe this one is one I want to put my foot down on, it's not up to you to choose. I guess I have the UO here, but I'm assuming that many of the PP's don't have parents/IL's that are constantly in their life. I think its different when grandparents come in and spoil every now and then, when they are a constant part of your life it is a totally different dynamic.

My mother helps with the kids now and then, and I do have to bite my tongue on certain things (ironically I have to pick my battles with her, not my kids) , but this would not have been one of them.

shakes · October 2012

I would be annoyed but I wouldn't be annoyed enough for it to bother me. It's just a donut and it's rare. If she made a habit out of it I would out my foot down. I agree with scout, I'd put out some fruit as well and redirect them. You control the portions as his Mom. I would agree to half of a second donut after he eat a cup of fruit and water. Happy medium. Maybe soup for lunch too to help clear out the system, since they`d be carbed out for most of the day. I get what you`re saying but it`s not a big deal.

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