Moms of 2: What's wrong with me?

honeybee111 · October 2012

I recently found out I'm pregnant. DD will be 3 in January. I'm in the middle of first trimester hell. I'm exhausted, nauseous, and crabby. And on top of that, I feel like I'm totally neglecting DD. I don't have the energy to play anything active with her - she asked me to help her ride her tricycle outside, and I told her mommy was tired. We played with some toys inside instead, but I feel SO bad. I'm not really putting much effort into her dinner tonight, because I can barely look at food. She's going to have a cheese/avocado/turkey sandwich, which she loves, but I still feel like I'm failing in my usual cooking.

On top of caring for DD, unlike when I was pregnant with her, I'm having a hard time being excited about this pregnancy. We were trying, so it's not unplanned, but I'm anxious and worried about adding an infant to our family. I'm worried about balancing my time between DD and the baby. And it makes me feel bad that I'm not ecstatic about being pregnant. I am happy about the baby, but there's this other part that's worried that I definitely didn't have the last time I was pregnant. I have a doctor's appt next week, so I will talk to him about it, but I just wanted to know if this is anywhere near normal. Thanks.

JuliaKL · October 2012

oh my goodness... you are FINE. of course, you should talk to your doctor, but... I really think everything you described is normal. I had the same feeling when I was pregnant with DS2 -- especially during the first trimester. I promise it will get better. And I promise, you WILL love your second baby just as much as your first, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. I literally had identical fears when I was pregnant with number two. Hang in there - you are FINE.

llc730 · October 2012

Agree with PP. You are FINE. Time to take a few deep breaths. I had horrible morning sickness with DD2. I was nauseous all the time. I think at that time I just had to let go of some of the "perfect mom" feelings. Sometimes you just have to be in survival mode (it will come around again when LO is a newborn) Believe me if your DD watches a couple extra movies or plays a couple extra computer/ipad games she will be okay. One of DD1's favorite activities when I just couldn't make it off the couch was to bury me with her stuffed animals. She had fun running back and forth to get them all and I would get excited about each one, ask her questions, etc. Also here is a great article filled with activities that don't require a lot of energy or active participation for you:

https://www.babycenter.com/0_40-ways-to-entertain-your-kids-while-lying-down_10350158.bc

HML5382 · October 2012

I'm not a mom of 2 yet, but I can tell you you're not alone! I do think things have gotten better in the second trimester though now that I have more energy and my hormones seem to be leveling out a bit. I've had similar conversations with a few of my mom friends too, so I think you're normal

Hang in there!

Novem06 · October 2012

I had all the same thoughts. You are totally normal! Once your second LO arrives your heart just makes room:)

mavs_girl07 · October 2012

Totally, absolutely normal. It sucks, but it's normal. We were also trying when I got pregnant with DS, but when "Pregnant" popped up on that pregnancy test...I honestly bawled like a baby. I immediately regretted it, felt like it was the worst decision we'd ever made, and I just knew I had screwed up DD's life forever. All through 1st tri I was nauseous, and exhausted and felt horribly guilty for not being excited over the pregnancy. It took a good 5-6 months into the pregnancy before I finally started to feel positive about having a second child. And the instant he was born and I held him for the first time, all of that melted away and I was in love all over again. I'm not gonna lie, having 2 is difficult sometimes. It's hard when they both want you at the same time, it's hard feeling like you're spread so thin. But the good days definitely outnumber the bad, and absolutely NOTHING is better than hearing your two LO's giggling together and watching how much they adore each other. You will love it, I promise.

Worcbride · October 2012

You are VERY normal. I had a difficult first tri too (was twins, lost one, was very sick etc); I can remember multiple times when DD (who was 22 months) was rubbing my back as I was throwing up saying "Mommy sick." The 2nd tri was much better but I did end up hiring a college student 6hrs/week so I could rest/she could have someone to play with. What was really nice is I kept this girl after so DD could have some consistency and I could get some 1:1 time w/the new baby. What I learned was that it was ok for DD to watch tv and cuddle with me when I was tired or just read books together for an afternoon. I was very go-go with her before I got pregnant and I had to slow down after I got pregnant. It all worked out. DD is a happy girl who loves her brother dearly. I hope you feel better soon

diana.filipi · October 2012

Well, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. That second pregnancy I just wasn't excited about much either. I am actually pregnant with our 3rd (and maybe 4th, we don't know how many took yet) and I am dreading that I won't get to nap the way I could with the second pregnancy. With my second pregnancy I was over it by around week 13 once we knew the sex.

welshgirl · October 2012

So normal! I think with your second and third, etc, pregnancies,you know what to expect. Its not all rose tinted glasses, so it's harder to be over the moon, in a way.

jannv11 · October 2012

Nothing is wrong with you. We all go through it. Relax and do what you can do. I'm sure DD likes playing with you no matter what the activity. I was like that the first trimester and it got better. I'm still nervous about adding a baby to the mix but we will all survive and it will be awesome!! Take care and hope you feel better!

AEN1029 · October 2012

When I found out I was pregnant with DD2, I had all of the same worries. After I had DD2, (I had a c-section), and couldn't care for DD1 the same as usual, I cried and cried and felt so bad. After the pain from the c-section wore off and I could go back to my normal routine, it got much easier. My DDs are 11 months apart and it was challenging, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. They are best friends and I do the best I can to spend time with each of them together and separate. Trust me, it all works out. I love it so much, I'm on to number 3! haha

As far as feeling bad right now, don't. I know as mothers we tend to be our own critics, but don't stress so much. Do what you can. Your DD knows how much you love her and she's not going to be 14 years old telling you "You didn't play with me when I was 2." lol No worries, love. Congratulations! Just breathe!

NicoleWI · October 2012

TOTALLY NORMAL.

ridesbuttons · October 2012

100% normal territory.

New normal. You cope with what you have to, you enjoy what you can, you take the new and cool stuff life throws at you.

Congratulations!

cchill01 · October 2012

MrsPM:
1st trimester with a toddler was the hardest. You will get through it. We survived! And my DS loves his new baby sister!!

Totally this. First trimester was awful. I was so sick and so tired. But, it was all so worth it. Seeing my girls laugh at each other makes it all worth it. And yes DD#1 gets a little less of my time...but she gained a friend for life. Seems like an okay trade to me.

spring_time · October 2012

I am sorry you are feeling so terrible right now. I am expecting #2 and DS will be 3 in April. The first trimester was awful. Seriously one of the worst times I can remember in my life. At one point, I started googling "depression" because I could not imagine the feelings were normal. I felt like an awful mom. I was not able to get off the couch, I told DS that I was too tired to play, and I plopped him in front of the TV for more time than I would even like to admit. The sight of my husband made my blood boil and I was certain that we would end up divorcing by the end of the pregnancy. Not only was a terrible mother, I was also a terrible wife. When I say it was bad, it is not an exaggeration.

Things started turning around at about week 13, but I did not start feeling like myself again until this last week. My energy is back and I am back to being the mom I think I should be with my DS. However, that does not negate the amount of guilt I feel for not having much interest in this pregnancy. I said something to my mom about not feeling excited and she made me feel terrible, so I haven't admitted it to many people. I like my life now, I do not want it to change. I do not want to neglect my DS in any way, and I feel like this new baby is an intrusion into our life. I have no idea how I will juggle two children and I am terrified at the prospect. I don't even want to think about the nursery, I would rather spend my time focusing on DS big boy room. I feel awful, but I can't shake the feeling. I hope things will eventually changes when we go to our ultrasound in a few weeks.

So...I don't know if it is normal, but I can empathize. For both of our sakes, I hope these feelings eventually diminish. Good luck!

AmandaAndTj · October 2012

I'm right there with ya girl! It's normal so all you can do is just try not to beat yourself up about it.

KateVA · October 2012

SO normal. Like everyone said, it will get better and in the meantime don't beat yourself up.

Is your daughter in any sort of preschool? I would highly recommend getting her in something two mornings a week or so to give yourself a break. When the baby comes, you will need it as well, so best to get her acclimated now. I stopped working when I was 7.5 months pregnant with my second son but I kept my first (19 mos at the time) going to his babysitter one day a week. It really helped

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