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February 2013 Moms
ajgoergen
member
Help me understand my DH
ajgoergen
member
My DH is acting so different. He is completely unsympathetic to all of my pregnancy symptoms. He's an extremely helpful DH usually with the cleaning, cooking and yard work. But lately, if the pregnancy makes him pick up anything I usually take care of (like grocery shopping) he gets so cranky about it. Also, you'd think I was asking for the world when I ask him to massage my feet after a long day. I just don't get it. Have any of you experienced the same thing and already talked to your DH about it? I'm just trying to understand his mindset a bit before I talk to him about it.
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Re: Help me understand my DH
Yep, I can totally relate. (See earlier post under Monday b!tchfest lol). I wouldn't say my hubs is completely unsympathetic, I think it's just more that he is unnerved and a little scared about how much I am changing, my body is changing and how much our lives are about to change in a huge way. I know for me I'm also much more hyper-aware of what he's NOT helping with now than I was before. I actually enjoyed (past tense) cleaning and doing the housework prior to getting pregnant. I think it's been an unwelcome suprise that now he has to deal with cleaning the bathroom since I can't deal with the chemicals, do the dishes because standing on our kitchen floor for a long time makes my back ache, etc.
I can't speak for everyone, but I think most first time Dads have a bit of an adjustment period which is different than ours. We have had months of getting used to the changes, whereas it probably seems more sudden for them.
How often do you ask him to do things you would usually do and give the pregnancy as a reason? If it's happening often, then he might think you're using it as an excuse to get out of chores. Since I'm assuming it's legit, could you offer to trade him next time instead? Like - "Hey, honey, carrying all the groceries is really hard on my back right now. How about if I do xxx this weekend and you do the grocery shopping?" To him, that might seem less like you're trying to take advantage of your pregnant state.
As for massages, why not offer to trade foot massages, too? "My feet hurt so much - how about if I massage your feet for the first half of show x (whatever you're watching) and you do mine for the second half?"
I think that offering some give with the take that often comes with pregnancy aches and pains might make him more amenable! If he continues to be cranky, though, then I would definitely sit down and try to figure out what's wrong.
BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence
This is exactly what I was going to say.
Our SO's are going through as much (almost) change as we are. Dealing with our mood swings, picking up extra chores, etc. on top of their normal jobs is sure to be overwhelming for them. Have you done anything to ease his burdens? Maybe offering him a back massage or picking up chores that he normally takes care of?
If you're not able to do something like grocery shopping because of pregnancy pains then I would just wait for another day to go shopping rather than ask you hubby to take care of it. He's probably tired after work. Maybe do little things that show that you appreciate him. Making sure DH has a cold beer in the refrigerator or buying him a fancy microbrew always puts a smile on his face after 12 hours of work. It's small, but he notices.
THIS! I think it's a great idea to offer a trade-off for him. Also, and I totally DO NOT mean this in a snarky way, but what are your reasons for asking him to do some of these things? I know we all have different symptoms and tolerance levels during pregnancy. For instance, I am so tired at the end of the day that that last track up the stairs w/ DD (who is closing in on 30 lbs) takes a toll on my back so DH carries her upstairs for me to tuck her in now. I also do not have as clean of a house b/c I just have more "tired" days (and DD is 2 and demands A LOT of my energy) these days. On the other hand, I have no issues or restrictions for doing stuff like grocery shopping (that's just me). Do you think he thinks you are taking advantage of the situation, or have you described what specific symptoms make these activities difficult?
Make a pregnancy ticker
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:26-27&33-34
The specific instance yesterday was I was on my feet for 5+ hours straight (not usual for me since i have a desk job) and am really struggling with swelling feet and hands the last two weeks. All you women who are on your feet all day, my kudos to you! Anyway, my feet hurt so badly I would have been happy not getting groceries at all yesterday but DH knew we needed them (which we did) so he went. Anyway, when he got back he was just so cranky about it saying he got the groceries just for me and I should be grateful. Which of course I was but my mind instantly went, well you never thank me for getting the groceries and I'm sure you're going to eat some of the food but held back from verbalizing that. I know several posters have commented about trading chores which is a great idea. More so than the chores, which honestly, usually I can handle just fine. Yesterday was an anomaly. I just want him to show concern when, for example, I wake up and can't bend my hands because of the water retention. Honestly, he acts like he has nothing to do with this pregnancy and I feel alone in dealing with it. As a FTM, I had visions of us doing it together even if all he could do is lend support.
Sorry, realized I didn't answer the question, besides the litter box and carrying 50 lb+ things for me, this is the first time he's had to pick something up because of the pregnancy.
It doesn't sound like you're expecting anything out of the ordinary from him. I'd be having a talk with him if I were you.
Edited for clarity.
First round of Clomid in May 2012= BFP #1, DD born January 2013
BFP #2 in January 2014, DS born September 2014
Men are such sensitive creatures and practically have to be coddled when they do something out of the norm....vacuuming, groceries, cleaning, etc... as women most of us do these things without even thinking or expecting a thank you, but men want the acknowledgement of appreciation when they do it.
That puts it into better perspective. I wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue on the "you should be grateful" comment. Not cool.
Honestly, you should just sit him down and talk about how you don't feel like you're getting much support from him. And ask him why the heck he's so grouchy with helping you out. Maybe there's something going on outside of the home that's stressing him out. Make him talk to you about what's going on and what you guys can do to work together to make things easier on the both of you.
Good luck!
My husband is of the "my grandma had a million kids and helped my grandpa on the farm during all of her pregnancies" mentality. He figures that if his grandmothers could lift heavy things and work hard during pregnancy, all women should be able to. He had zero sympathy for me during my first pregnancy (OK, maybe not zero, but he wasn't the type to run out and get stuff for my cravings or give me massages because I was tired).
He has gotten better with each pregnancy. I think it took learning about the actual changes my body is going through and watching me try to handle them on my own, plus a WHOLE lot of maturity, to finally get it. He's pretty good about letting me rest now and picking up the slack around the house when it needs it.
I think part of his change had to do with me not complaining about stuff. When all he heard was whining about my aches and pains, I think he thought I was overreacting and milking the pregnancy excuse. When I shut up and did what I needed to, and he started observing me straining to do things without complaining, I think he felt bad and started to see that I really wasn't just giving excuses. Perhaps his grandma having to lift bails of hay at seven months pregnant wasn't ideal after all - maybe it was out of necessity, hmmmmm....
I think he gets it now.
I don't really have any advice. I just think part of it is maturity. I've been there and know what it's like, so I'm sorry you're going through it.
Make a pregnancy ticker
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:26-27&33-34