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May 2012 Moms
ebl2
member
I don't know who else to turn to...
ebl2
member
I don't want to talk to my friends or family because I don't want them to look at DH negatively.
DH tells me tonight that he absolutely does not want another baby... ever. He did not realize how much work goes into raising a child and (in his words) how "annoying" they can be. I do everything for our daughter so I think it's ridiculous what little interaction he does have with her he finds annoying and hard work. He said that he just wants to go to work and then be left alone. It breaks my heart because I could not raise two children basically on my own. We have no family near us to help so it's not like I would have that support either.
DH tells me that if we had a second child he would be in a severe state of depression and hate his life. I don't know if this is a new generation thing but he has always played a ton of video games and now, a grown man in his 30's, just wants to be left alone all night to play video games. What really kills me is he's calling me the selfish one. He says, "You already have one baby, why is that not good enough for you?", "Why do you want me to hate my life just so you can have another baby?"
He said to me tonight, "I don't want to have another baby because then it is required of me to help more and I just want to be left alone." It must be the only child syndrome because his parents always left him alone to play video games growing up. He's always been this way I just never noticed it or had a problem with it because for our entire relationship up until I became a SAHM we have had conflicting work schedules so I wasn't home and he could be left alone.
Now I feel like I'm in such a predicament. No matter what happens one of us will feel resentment towards the other. Anyone going through the same thing? Any advice?
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Re: I don't know who else to turn to...
Wow! A$$@?*?! sorry now that I got that out of the way...
my husband also plays a ton of video games and the majority of DD care is mine. He also finds babies frustrating and annoying and while he will watch her for short periods while I shower, etc, he would prefer not to be left alone with her because he doesn't know what to do with her. We are one and done ourselves because he has two older children from a previous relationship and we agreed on one before we got married.
that said, my DH loves kids when they aren't babies anymore. Once she starts talking and interacting more he says it will be easier for him and he will be able to take care of her for longer periods (I might even get to sleep in again). Maybe your DH is having the same problem and isn't mature enough to verbalize it? Maybe once you LO is bigger he will enjoy DD more and be more open to the idea of another one? Ultimately tho, if he doesn't change his mind, could you be happy with only one child?
I'll be honest, he sounds like a selfish jerk and that the problem goes deeper than just the baby. If he doesn't want to spend time with you after she goes to bed then when do you spend time together? Maybe suggest he get some counselling, either together or on his own?
i'm sorry you are going through this!
That said I agree with pp about dh liking to spend more time with our boys when they get a little older. The infant stage isn't as much fun for him as even the toddler years.
I know being a sahm is very lonely I can't imagine how much more so with a dh who wants to be left alone. You may need to find a good mommy and me group for yourself I know it's helped me be a better mom.
Just to clarify in case you didn't already know this; HE is the selfish one, not you. And to everything else, I'm so sorry you're going through that. I definitely hear you on the videogames, some nights I want to take DHs Xbox and smash his PS3 with it.
I agree with PPs that it may be the age your LO is at making it hard for him. I know MH doesn't know what to do with DD half the time and 90% of it will pass her over to me and say "she's hungry" even though she's not. He's just not comfortable with a child so young that it needs 24/7 attention and care. I feel almost like a single parent a lot because some days he maybe changes 1 diaper, or holds her on his lap while he plays videogames and thats his interaction with her all day. He loves kids though, so I feel once she grows up and can interact with him better, they'll have a better relationship because he'll be more at ease with her.
Maybe your husband just needs a little time to see your child as more of a person than a crying/pooping machine and would maybe be open to the idea of another baby once this one is older. Perhaps he is thinking of another baby as if it was in the house right now and would be fine after a bit of an age gap. My mother said my father only wanted one child but once I was 5 years old they discussd it again and he felt ok with having a second.
In all I hope the 2 of you can come to some common ground and also recommend sitting down and having a real talk about it, and it sounds like some therapy couldn't hurt.
He needs help. My H ended up very depressed when my son was about 6 months. He missed his old life, missed having me to himself, and when they're these tiny demanding take-and-no-give babies it was really hard for him to feel like it was worth it. (I'm paraphrasing but that's how he felt) He started going to a therapist and got on a medication and within a month was a different person.
These things he's saying to you are really nasty. They're below the belt. If he doesn't want another kid it's one thing, but telling you he will hate his life is really sad.
I agree with this. It's just such a huge life change to have a child and I think that sometimes we focus so much on PPD in women we don't realize that it can also be very hard on the dad. Sometimes people just need a little extra help to cope with the change and readjust their expectations.
Also, I think it's perfectly acceptable for a person to have a child and realize that they don't want anymore. However, in a marriage you have to figure out a way to compromise or solve the disagreement. That can be a real sticking point, and sometimes something worthy of seeing a counselor to resolve if necessary.
However, I do agree with PPs that say he is being unnecessarily nasty about it. It's uncalled for, but is most likely a symptom of the depression he is experiencing. That doesn't excuse it, but if this is not who he was before you had the baby then it's really a red flag that he has a true problem that should be addressed by a professional.
Sounds to me like maybe some counseling is needed. Correct me if I am wrong but he is not only not wanting to spend time with your LO but he doesn't even want to spend time with you?? The infant stage is so hard and some people (including moms) don't like it but saying he wants to be left alone seems like a bigger problem than just not liking babies.
Yes, this is not OK, and it isn't normal. Please don't just sit back and "deal" with it. Your husband has a family now, both a wife and a LO to take care of and both need attention and it seems that he wasn't and isn't ready for either. I'd definitely seek help and don't isolate friends and family from the situation because they will want to support you through the decisions you make. Although I understand your wanting of a bigger family, I wouldn't even think about it until you get the current situation fixed. Another baby will only make it worse at this point. Also, PRAY about it. God can help fix any situation.