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Parenting
PeonyPumps
member
Really long- Possible molestation at DS's in home DC.
PeonyPumps
member
in Parenting
Okay so I need some really serious advice. DS has been in the same in home day care since he was about 5-6 months old, starting in August of 2011. We really like our DCP and have had no problems with her before this, minus a few random sleep issues, and that she is fairly expensive for our area. He is there with three of my coworker's children, another baby girl who is a few months younger than him, and there was one girl who was the age of 4-5ish when he started there.
The last little girl, we'll call her X, was at the in-home day care while DS was there from August-December of last year. All of a sudden in December 2011, X's parents left a check in DCP's mailbox with a note saying X would no longer be coming to her. DCP called them but they never called back. She didn't know what was going on initially, because I asked a few weeks after X was no longer at day care.
Fast forward to today, I was talking to my coworker (who is also one of my best friends in this area) whose three children are in the same in home DC as DS, and asked if she knew whatever happened to X when we were on a similar topic (coworker's sump pump was broken, we were talking about plumbers, X's parents own a plumbing business).
Coworker then tells me that X's parents pulled her from our DCP because X told her parents that one of DCP's neighbors "hurt her". X was sexually abused by someone, and is 100% not okay, and is now in therapy for it. Apparently, after the event, X identified the accused by name as one of DCP's neighbors (who has since moved and no longer lives in that neighborhood, but was while X and DS were both under DCP's care).
This was brought to trial, and the neighbor was acquitted of any charges. Coworker said that DCP testified at the trial that the neighbor was never alone with any of the children in her care and that it was not possible that this event could have occurred while X was under her care, but that DCP had mentioned to my coworker that from what surfaced at the trial, that X was very obviously abused by someone.
I had to leave the conversation as they paged me saying one of my outpatients was there, and I had to go start my therapy session. I did not say anything further to coworker/friend, and got my patient.
After I was finished seeing patients, I called the other baby girl's mother who takes her child to our DCP. She said she knew about it since X was taken out of daycare, because she is friends with X's parents. She said that X's parents didn't know what happened and that they were trying not to spread false rumors about anyone because they didn't know if it was true and didn't want to ruin this man's (the neighbor's) life.
Baby girl's mother also told me in that conversation that DCP was investigated twice during the time of the trial by child protective services in which they came to her house after hours after daycare to question her about his contact with the children in her care.
I am livid right now. Just livid. I barely spoke to DCP picking up DS today because I hadn't been able to tell DH about it yet and didn't know how we were going to proceed, but I could barely look her in the eyes I was so angry.
I don't care how little it is, but if DS even so much as stubs his toe, it is my right as a parent to know about it.
If you, as our DCP, are being actively investigated and have to testify at a trial about a neighbor of yours that the children have met or know ONLY through you even POSSIBLY molesting a child within your care WHILE MY CHILD could have been at your home, this should have been information I received as soon as you heard about it.
We are really trying to figure out what to do here. If she would have just come up to us from the beginning and said, "This is the situation right now, I can promise you that your child was never alone with this person or never had contact with this person. I can promise you that your child was never in danger. We are trying to get to the bottom of this situation and figure out what happened, but your child is safe and has never been in danger while under my care, and you as a parent need to know this information"- then maybe I would feel differently.
But she never said anything, not a single word. The ONLY reason I ever heard about it was because I asked my coworker today. (That is a totally other story, because if I had EVER heard of a situation where a child was possibly molested at the same place/time where her children were located, there would not be a soul in the world who could stop me from making her aware of that for her children's protection, but I am trying not to put fault and blame on her, because DCP should have been the one to tell us.)
So seriously, what the fvckings do we do? I want to tour daycares while I'm off on Monday and Tuesday and have him in somewhere new by Wednesday. I don't know if I can ever trust someone who knowingly kept something so huge and dangerous from our knowledge, even if it didn't directly affect him.
At the same time, he was not hurt, and I'm extremely nervous to trust ANYONE right now to care for him other than myself and my husband and am so scared to yank him from somewhere he has been comfortable and happy all of a sudden for somewhere new and scary, where I don't know the people there and they could be worse. This DCP has cared for my coworker/friend's children for at least 5 years and came highly recommended by everyone we asked. While all of the other parents BESIDES us knew about everything happening, none of them chose to pull their children from her care. We have no family here and no friends who could watch him. We have no one we can trust.
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Re: Really long- Possible molestation at DS's in home DC.
Maybe you should try talking to DCP. In situations like that, no matter who is at fault, often parents will pull their kids from the DC and just assume that there is some guilt involved on the DC's part. She may have been concerned that she will lose all her clients, and wanted to wait for a guilty verdict before discussing it. She may have been under judge's orders to not discuss the case in any way.
I agree she should have told you, but there were probably reasons why she didnt. You should talk to her and explain you are not sure how much you trust her and need to hear her story so you can decide what is best for your child.
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That ran through my mind, as well, although I would think once things were settled she should have been able to. I'd definitely be calling her tomorrow.
I would pull him too. If I was in your position, I would constantly wonder "if she didn't tell me THAT, then what else didn't she tell me?". I understand that nothing may have happened, but I just couldn't get over the fact that she withheld that info,
I feel bad for the DCP, but our kids come first, y'know?
Tour the centers, if you don't like them then maybe you want to consider talking it out and staying. But who knows? Maybe you'll fall in love with one of them.
This. I would think she would be required to notify the parents of any investigation going on - she does not need to give details of who is involved to protect their privacy but you should have been told about the investigation. I know it's hard to find someone you trust but she has proven that she cannot be trusted and I would pull my child out of there.
This is exactly how I feel right now. That this is one of the hugest things that could possibly happen in a daycare setting, a child getting hurt or abused, and she chose to keep that from DH & me. Every other parent knew. Why didn't I know about this? And what the hell else don't I know that happens at her place?
It sounds like you know what to do. Pull DS from that daycare and find someone else Monday and Tuesday.
I loved the idea of homecare, but I felt skeezed out one day when I happened to arrive early and found all the kids with the DCP's husband while she was at the library. He'd met me at the door before with a beer in his hand. I didn't think too much of it because she was the one watching the kids. When I asked her about it, she said she regularly made trips to the library for new books and left the kids with her H, who was not part of the interview and we'd never really met or been introduced. I didn't like that she left that part out and that I only found out by accident. I'm trusting you with my child, and I expect to know who is caring for him. I pulled him out.
After that, we've only used larger centers with NAEYC accreditation. It is not a guarantee of quality, but they do have to meet more rigorous standards, and I had peace of mind that there were many eyes on my child.
ditto this. The whole thing sounds really fishy to me. I would maybe question her about it just to see what more information I could find out. But I definitely would not be going back.
I agree with PPs that centres are not the devil. Like I think it was CTgirl said, this is exactly why I felt more comfortable with a centre than an in-home - more regulations and rules and frankly more people around.
I get that your child was not in danger, and it's not your DCP's fault that the neighbour got accused, but again, what else don't you know about? How is it that that little girl even knows the neighbour's name if he wasn't around more than a couple times? (Not that he did anything wrong, but, you kwim? Who else was around that you don't know about?)
On another note, you said all the other parents are friends, so maybe DCP didn't tell any of them either and the news circulated amongst themselves and they all just assumed you guys knew too. I would assume DCP was not allowed to say anything.
But for sure talk to her and discuss how you feel betrayed.
Good luck to you!
I would personally talk to DCP first. She may very well have been told not to discuss it.
But, if you aren't comfortable, you aren't comfortable. You don't even have to have a good reason to switch providers.
When kids have something like this happen to them, they often feel guilty or like they are in trouble instead. Sometimes they do not accurately point out who actually hurt them, because they select their answers to match what they think the adults want them to say, especially at that young age. Its one of the things that makes it very hard to prosecute molestation, and it is unfortunately something that works in the perp's favor, that he/she is never pointed out or when they are, their lawyer can use that to cast doubt on testimony by a child.
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i would pull my child. i would constantly be wondering what else i wasnt being told and i would never be comfortable.
i use a large center that is regulated by the state, you need a key fob to get in, cameras everywhere, and they tell us about every little thing that happens - i mean everything. i have never once been worried about her there. i dont know what centers are like in your area but maybe after this experience you would feel more comfortable with a setting like that.
GL
This was my thought as well. The DCP may have been well advised to not discuss the situation with anyone while the investigation was active.
Now, that it is presumably over, she should be able to answer questions, but not necessarily all questions because even now the victim would have rights as would the accused (who has been exonerated).
But there is no indication that the children's safety was ever in question.
If I'm a DCP and this accusion comes my way that I know cannot be true, I would listen to the advice of the professionals. I would heed that advice.
Maybe the DCP made the decision to not share the events on her own, but it's hard to blame her if she was advised to not discuss it by professionals.
I don't know what the protocol is in cases like this at all, but I am wondering why everybody else knew and the OP didn't. How did they get their information?
As a parent, I would probably pull my child for my own comfort.
As a former Child Care teacher (center based) I am fairly certain that legally, she could not speak of the event with other parents due to the privacy of the child and not to interfere with the investigation.
Story from a center that I worked in at the time something somewhat similar went down. Child A tried to perform a sexual act on Child B, it was caught before anything had happened. Child A was asked what he was about to do, he informed the teacher what he was going to do. He was than where he had seen that before, he replied that his father did it to him. It was documented and CPS called, there was a trial (for the father) and many things were discovered about father. It was made very clear to all the staff from cooking and cleaning staff to director that it was completely illegal for us to discuss this with anyone, parents included.
Now I understand it is a different situation but assuming child X was the only child to leave at the time, if DCP spoke of the event, it would have compromised the privacy of a child. My guess is she ws instructed, by CPS and lawyers not to discuss the event. But, like I said, as a parent I probably wouldn't feel comfortable with my child there.
I suspect this is the case.
I also suspect that in the end, it doesn't matter what the law was - if you are feeling discomfort with your care provider, that's a problem.
I'm sorry, I've read this a lot and I don't know what I would do. Perhaps a frank discussion with the care provider *IF* you love love love her and are considering staying. . .
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Again, this is a different situation, assuming the neighbor is NOT a minor, there is no expectation of privacy.
Plus, unless the neighbor moved, there is an on-going risk.
No excuses, the parents should have been told.
Instead of quoting everyone by each comment, I'll put all the responses here:
- We were the only parents who didn't know. One set of parents found out because they were friends with child X's parents, who told her. My coworker was told by DCP. So she told one of the three sets of parents.
- The neighbor has moved, so there is no ongoing risk.
- We are meeting with another DCP tomorrow that a friend of ours uses. We are going to consider her in-home daycare. If that doesn't work out, I have pulled all the paperwork of the top two center based places we considered putting DS in when he was an infant. I will be calling them on Monday just in case we meet with the other DCP and decide it isn't a good fit.
ETA: I'm not against a center based daycare, while I do think it would be a shock to DS's system and I would be worried about that, his safety is obviously my number one objective. The new DCP we're talking to is aware of our prior situation (my friend told her what happened) and she has been extremely accommodating and supportive and is willing to take him starting Wednesday so he doesn't have to go back to our former daycare. She also charges $25 less per day than prior DCP and $33 less than the center we're considering, so there is also that to think about.
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