- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
PastaFanatic2012
member
Help me get over DD not being his first
PastaFanatic2012
member
Oh, it's so cliche. We have a two month old DD and he has a 16 yo daughter.
I really do think I wouldn't feel this way IF SD was part of our lives. Then we could all be loving on DD and each other together and she would be part of OUR family.
Since she's not, I don't have these loving feels towards her and instead jealousy, resentment, etc rear their ugly heads.
FI is an amazing father and I have no complaints about that. He does almost all the cleaning and house stuff, he works and I SAH, and he loves DD. But still.
I think part of it is I also genuinely like/love SD and miss her. Obviously I'm angry with her as she is with me but I miss her. I don't like her not being in our lives. It just brings it all up time and time again when people ask us if she's our first.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Help me get over DD not being his first
Holy Contradiction
Get therapy. Because being angry with a CHILD because she is not with you is luducris. At the very least turn your anger towards the two people who are really to blame, BM and your DH.
yeah I had some jealousy issues when I was pregnant with DS1 about it being my first time being pregnant, having a child etc and he had already done everything (prepared a nursery, done baby class etc) with BM.
I eventually realized nothing I do or say can change the past. it is what it is, I can either let myself get hung up on it and let it drag me down, or I can deal with it. every pregnancy is different, every child is different, etc.
I don't understand being mad at a child. Temporarily, yeah, but big picture, you're supposed to be the adult and model good character. Holding onto petty jealousy and keeping grudges aren't something you want to demonstrate to SD or DD.
Secondly, I think many of us in BF can relate - why, oh why couldn't he/she just wait until we found each other - life would be so much simpler...
DH explained it like this - yes, he wishes he didn't have to have any involvement with BM and he wishes I was his first and only wife, but, he can't wish SSs were anything other than who they are, and saying he wished he'd had them with me would mean they would be different people, and he could never wish that. Once I saw it that way, it was pretty clear why things happened as they did, because I could never wish SSs to be any different, either.
i didn't even make the connection between this and PPD. I had depression during the pregnancy and am still struggling with it now.
Also, as a pp mentioned, I had hoped to go natural but DD was stubborn (just like me) and I had to be induced at 42 weeks. I'm choosing to blame the epidural on that. :-) But I wanted to go into labor, ya know? Believe me, I know it could have gone way more off course but that may factor into it too.
i am sorry for not being clear, mobile typing isn't my friend. :-)
we had a falling out and that is why I'm angry with her, as well as her admitted manipulation after the fact. I am trying to remember she is a teenager. I am not angry with her because she is not physically with us. She wanted to finish school where she was so falling not, or no falling out, she wouldn't be living with us either but she would at least be part of our lives.
And I just reread my post and nowhere did I mention the falling out or the fact that she's the one choosing not to be with us. I fail. Sorry!
you know, sometimes I don't even know. It's so messed up.
basically, life was good until the BM and grand moms decided to try and break us up. They didn't want me 'taking SD and FI away from them.' I really can't blame BM, it's really just the grand moms.
that was too much confusion for a teenager so I can not blame SD. I 100% blame the adults, including myself. Both BM and FI have been giving into their moms SDs whole life which set the stage.
Fi and I have been seeing a therapist and SD came with us once. The therapist said that SD acted as if she really cared for me and was excited, well as excited as any teenager, for the new baby. But then after that, SD was all 'I don't wanna see you.' That was that. The therapist said, based on her behavior, that she thought she, SD, was afraid if becoming too attached to me and that I might leave - BM did, FIs ex girlfriends did, etc. As someone who has abandonment issues, I can understand that.
unfortunately, I don't think anything will change until SD is out from under the grand moms control and manipulation. I think it's the conflicting emotions that really get me. If I didn't like or miss Sd, I could just say 'I hate her and I wish she didn't exist.' But I do so I can't.
but I also can't be all like 'yes Dd isn't FIs first but look at how much Sd loves dd and how much he loves them both and how much I love them all!'
So I'm stuck with 'dd isn't his first but his first hates me right now and is a sore spot in the relationship.' Again NOT angry with SD about the situation, just angry with the situation. Thanks for listening and everybody's feedback.
Also part of my pp depression is we live in a HCOL area and while we want to either have more children or ideally foster/adopt, it's hard financially so the thought of not being able to have more children makes me upset as well.